9. After the Event: What Does Your New Schedule Look Like?

THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER HELPED YOU ORGANIZE YOUR SCHEDULE as you dealt with your life transition. This chapter will help you organize your time and schedule after the transition is complete and you have settled into a “new normal.” Approach this chapter after you’ve had time to begin to accept your new circumstances in life. Now that the transition is complete, are you finding it difficult to adjust to your more open or more crowded schedule? Can you relate to any of these quotes?

I spent so much time taking care of my mom, and now she’s gone. What will I do with my time now?

We got through the surgery and things are finally back to normal, but life seems, well, a little boring. I have time I didn’t have before.

The divorce is final, at last, and the kids are pretty self-
sufficient. I feel like I have all this free time to do what I want to do. I’m free to be me! But now what?

The kids are out on their own, and we are officially empty nesters. So what’s next?

I’m retired and love it. I know how I would like to spend my time, but I can’t seem to structure my day or be purposeful with my time.

Many people fear a blank slate, but if you look within yourself, you’ll find that you have plenty of interests and ambitions to fill that slate. Some of you will want to revive past interests you let go of for various reasons. There is comfort in returning to something familiar as you explore and add new interests as well. Other people will leave behind anything old and want to start completely fresh and new. They are comfortable with a completely blank slate and enjoy the adventure of learning new things.

The answers to the “what’s next” questions are inside you; you just haven’t asked the questions in a long while. You’ve been caregiving or parenting or grieving, and that process was necessary and required much of your energy. Only you can figure out how you want to fill your time now; however, I’ll give you key questions to reflect on to discover your answers. It’s time to focus on you, again, which may feel odd or uncomfortable at first—like a muscle that’s not been exercised in a while. Start slowly and build your interests over time.

One of the benefits of today’s complex world is that we are much more open to change. As our lives have become more complex and split into smaller and smaller pieces, we’ve learned to handle change more easily. The old adage was to have a five-year plan. We were told to create a vision for our work life, our personal interests, or our entire life, a vision that could be achieved in five years. I’ve used the visioning process myself and always found the process, rather than the result, to be enlightening. Now I go through that process at least once a year. In today’s world, five years is too far off on the horizon.

WHAT MATTERS NOW?

It can be overwhelming to try to plan the entirety of your next chapter in life at the very beginning of it, so don’t get bogged down in making a five-year or even one-year plan yet. The key question to ask yourself is, “What matters, right now?” Use short-term thinking and identify now versus not now. The second question is, “What do I know about what I want?” The answers to both of these questions are already inside you. To illustrate this, let’s revisit Lisa’s story from chapter eight.

We discussed how Lisa was dealing with her teenage daughter’s growing independence and her mother’s declining health. Her story continues from there. Lisa’s mother passed away about a year after I began working with Lisa. She had spent so much time caring for her mother, and now she would need to fill that time with something else. Time was a blank slate. After her mom died, I asked Lisa to identify “What matters now?” and “What matters three months from now?” I had asked her those same questions a year earlier. Her answers now were much different because she was in a different place.

What mattered now, in the immediate time frame, was:

• Time to grieve

• Going through some of her mother’s things

• Spending time with family

• Getting away for the first time in a long time

• Getting back to normal routines for school and around the house

• Time to just “be” for a while, to let the grief happen, and to accept that the days no longer include visits with Mom

And what mattered three months from now:

• Do something new for her daughter, specifically renovating the bonus space to give her a new bedroom.

• Finish up the home-organizing coaching so the first round of decluttering is done. She had decided earlier to do rounds of organizing and coaching through the house. As she worked through each room, she sensed that her tolerance for “stuff” was declining. This often happens when someone you love passes away. Death is a reminder that we are not our stuff at all. Making two organizing rounds helps process the grief in time and in stages.

• Begin figuring out what “spirituality” means to her by exploring and reading.

• Think about what the holidays will be like. What new traditions would she like to start on her own? How would she honor her mother? How would she deal with the grief?

And that was it for her three-month plan. More would come later as she figured out her next chapter, but this was enough for her. As you consider your next step, divide your wishes into time segments and take small steps, instead of believing you can define and create your new chapter right away. Let it unfold. Life events and change take up a lot more of your energy than you realize.

MEETING YOUR IMMEDIATE GOALS

After you identify what matters, you’ll need to figure out how to achieve those goals and honor those priorities. As Lisa’s example shows, they aren’t always easy. After all, how do you specifically take time to grieve? Here are some ideas that will help you identify action steps you can take to meet your goals.

Hire a life coach or Certified Organizer Coach®. Both are trained and certified in helping people work through self-exploration and issues such as determining the next steps in life. They are also trained in methods that will allow you to reinforce lasting change. They ask insightful, powerful questions to aid your thinking process. This is a helpful option particularly if you need to talk through ideas to process them or need an accountability partner to keep you focused and moving along in your process.

Read a book about the type of transition you’re completing. For example, a book about life after divorce or a career-coaching book. These books have advice on what’s next and are targeted to a specific issue. Books give you examples and advice. It’s up to you, or you and your coach, to apply these ideas to your life and goals.

Read a more general book about creating your next chapter. I read What’s Next: Women Redefining Their Dreams in the Prime of Life by Rena Pederson. She wrote case studies of women, famous and not, who had figured out a next chapter, so you read a variety of ways to figure it out. And she provides exercises to walk you through the process. A few clients have recommended I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was by Barbara Sher.

Attend a workshop. In my workshop, titled Give Your Life a Makeover: What’s Your Next Chapter?, a life coach and I provide participants with our approach to getting through the overwhelming feelings they experience when thinking about their next chapter. We provide a framework to work through goals for the participants’ next chapters.

Journal about it. Whether you write it down, use a tape recorder, or create a piece of art representing your feelings and ideas, the idea is to get the thoughts out of your head. Over time, any of these methods will get you to the deeper levels of thinking, which is where those answers are.

Spend time with a close friend and figure it out together. Start asking friends how they got through this period in between the last chapter and the new one.

Questions to Help You Take Action

These are the key questions to ask yourself as you decide what to do and how to spend your time in your next chapter. Some we have reviewed earlier, but now you are actually creating the next chapter, so let’s get back to them. Take time to reflect on each of these questions.

• What do you value? What is important now?

• Where are you doing the best in your life? Or living the best version of you? What’s working well?

• Which facet of your life would you like to improve?

• What do you currently know about what you want next?

• What do you know about your vision or about your ideas for your next chapter? Write it, paint it, say it aloud—whatever works to keep it alive.

• What is holding you back internally?

• What do you need to let go of? What makes it difficult to let go? What do you need or what questions can you ask yourself to make a no-regrets decision and move on?

• What is important to keep with you going forward? What is now permanently part of your being, your core, your essence?

• What has this life event taught you about yourself?

• How can that new information help you create your next chapter?

• How have you created something from nothing (or very little) in the past? What principles, ideas, or actions from that experience can you apply to this new experience?

• What are the major accomplishments in your life? How did you approach and achieve them?

• What is one goal you can limit yourself to for now? It’s important to start and finish one goal and then move on to another. If you start several at once, it’s difficult to sustain momentum because your first success takes longer. A success, no matter how small, feeds you.

• How will you know when you have achieved that one goal? How will you realize it, feel it, or see it? What does it look like or feel like when you’ve achieved the goal?

• What are the smallest steps you can take to begin chipping away at your goal?

FOCUS ON YOUR PRIORITIES

From your answers to the questions above, you’ll have a list of goals and, therefore, priorities for your time. Goals become priorities only after you rank them in order of importance to yourself. Take time to sort out all your goals and figure out which has top priority. Each goal has priority in your life, but ranking them shows you where you want to start.

Usually your number one priority will be income if that was affected by your transition. You’ll want to be sure that your basic and practical needs are taken care of before you focus on the “want” side of life. After that, rank the goals in terms of your current satisfaction with each area of your life. Life coaches have specific exercises to work you through these. If you are working on your own, list all your goals. Rank them by your current satisfaction. Think of each goal’s value to you, relative to the other. Or use a scale of 1–10, where each number can only be assigned to one goal. Or use the terms “very satisfied,” “usually satisfied,” or “hardly satisfied.” Note if there are goals you are already working on, so even if that goal score is low, you know that you’re already at work on that facet of your life.

Some people use the bucket list approach. This is the “Before I kick the bucket, I want to …” list. Some limit themselves to a number, perhaps two new activities per year or quarter. Last, if none of your goals sparks an immediate interest in you, then choose any goal and just get started.

If you find yourself with “too many” interests, read Refuse to Choose! by Barbara Sher. She writes that some people have many interests and it’s okay. Traditionally these people are thought of as dilettantes or as a jack-of-all-trades but master of none. She writes that some people are quite capable of deeply knowing many hobbies and are so curious that they need many activities. So it’s a positive to have “too many” interests. If this is you, keep your schedule manageable by choosing two new interests at a time and focus on those for a month, a quarter, a year, or for as long as you find them interesting. And then switch to other new interests. Keep a list or a journal of what you’re interested in next so you don’t lose good ideas.

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION

So for the first time in a while, perhaps, you’ll have no one to tell you whether your answers are good, right, wrong, worthy of your time, or not. You decide. Get rid of those nagging thoughts that say, What would Mom have wanted? or What would my husband have said? To get rid of these thoughts, you’ll need to replace them with new thoughts, and that will take practice. For example, practice thinking, What do I want?, Or I get to decide. This is fun. Or What do I need? And say the word I in a louder voice than the other words in the question, just for the positive reinforcement. Repetition works, and it doesn’t take as long as you might think. Choose your phrase, your mantra, or your new outlook and practice it out loud. I have never been one to say affirmations out loud. I write them down and post them on a bulletin board I see every day. I believe we attract what we think. So if the out loud practice doesn’t appeal to you, try to whisper the phrase under your breath so you hear what it sounds like. That also worked for me really well. Or at least take a moment to intentionally think that thought as you start your day.

KEEPING STRUCTURE IN YOUR SCHEDULE

I often find that if someone’s been tightly tied to a schedule, it’s easy to throw away the entire schedule once she has some freedom. But a little bit of structure will allow you to focus on your new interests and do something with them. Some people need structure to prevent discouragement from setting in during tough times. Others find structure early in the day gives them something to wake up for. And sometimes that lack of structure translates into the thought that we have plenty of time to start a new interest and then we don’t quite get around to it because there’s no rush. That was definitely my issue when I was out of work. I had no structure, so I frittered away my days. That was okay for a while, to give myself time off. But after a while, I needed a purpose.

To make the best use of your time, create a plan for how you will use your time. Think about how you planned your time in chapter eight. The process is much the same, but instead of adding new obligations and responsibilities, you’ll have time to add new interests and hobbies.

Mandatory Commitments

Start with schedules you must adhere to, such as work or volunteer days and hours. List those commitments in the chart on this page.

Family and Household Commitments

Now add the other household obligations that take up your time. Estimate the regular weekly time commitment as best you can. Again, it’s important to acknowledge how much time it takes to run a household; otherwise you’ll neglect some tasks and rush through others.

New Interests

Now you’ll decide on which one or two new activities or interests you want to add. Or maybe it’s one or two new friends you want to get in touch with again. Choose just one or two and absorb them into your schedule. If you then find you can handle more, add more. You don’t want to tire yourself out after everything you’ve just been through. Build things gradually. You may find you enjoy a slower pace.

Here are some examples of activities you might add. Let it inspire you to brainstorm your own ideas. Go back to your values and see if you find some clues there.

• Exercise

• Crafting

• Reading

• A hobby group or club: singing, writing, collecting, needle arts, sports, book club

• Musical instrument

• Weekly or monthly night out with friends

• A social group/place to meet new people

• Travel, local and long distance

• Events: concerts, festivals, museums, libraries. By joining some of these organizations or adding yourself to the newsletter list, you’re reaching out to find new hobbies.

• Volunteering

What’s your preference? Think about some loose guidelines you can create so you don’t end up with an overcrowded schedule that keeps you from enjoying the moment. Decide on how much time you want to spend outside your home. For some people, this equates to how many evenings they want to be out per week. For others, they’re out a lot on the weekends, but like staying in on weekday evenings. Or, if you’re looking for less structure, let your schedule grow organically and see where your interests lead you. If you go the organic route, set a trial period for activities so you don’t feel guilty about needing to drop an activity if you find your schedule is too full. Know your limits and don’t be afraid to say no.

If you’re on a budget you may feel as if you shouldn’t spend any money on fun because necessities are more important. But you’ll be more successful if you build in times to treat yourself. Give up coffee at the coffee shop just a few times one week, and you’ll have a ticket to a local concert, museum, festival, or something else you might enjoy.

MAKE PROJECTS MANAGEABLE

Are you overwhelmed by large tasks on your calendar? Break up your projects, goals, and new interests into smaller, workable pieces so you make gradual progress. For example, if you want to take an art class, break it down into steps: first, research the classes available; second, select the class; third, register for the class; fourth, get the materials list for the class; fifth, purchase the materials; sixth, attend the first class; seventh, schedule time to work on your art projects outside of class. This is a difficult skill to learn because it requires you to see the big picture first and then break it down into details. Some people see only the big picture, and others see only details.

Here are some different approaches to breaking up life goals into workable pieces.

• Use the phrase “one step closer.” Ask yourself what is one step you can take right now to bring you closer to your goal.

• Index cards. Keep track of all the steps using index cards. Write one step per card.

• Sticky notes are a useful tool to help your brain isolate one step at a time. Then move them around into the order to work through.

• Folders. If your goals have papers associated with them, make one folder for each goal so everything stays in one place. And keep the folders in one consistent place, too, so you can always find them. For home projects, treat yourself to some fun, beautiful file folders. For major projects like a home renovation, you can purchase “project” folders. On the outside of the folder, there is a preprinted form to list your steps and check them off as you get them done.

• Tape recorders are a great option for verbal or auditory people who find it easier to talk things through rather than write them out. Whether at your desk, at home, while taking a walk, or in the car, pick your topic and start talking out the steps. After you’ve recorded the steps, you can write them up on a list, on index cards, or use software that does it for you.

• Drawing pictures or mind mapping are fun and visual options. The concept behind mind mapping is that you’re creating a map of what’s on your mind. By using pictures, shapes, icons, and words, if you like, you’ll generate a diagram of those small, workable pieces that make up your goal. Starting in the middle of a piece of paper (flip chart size is particularly fun, but standard-sized paper works just fine), draw a picture of or write your project or goal or activity name. From the center, start writing whatever is in your head. Don’t be concerned about ordering the steps. Just let your mind go. If you find you have lots of ideas related to one aspect, connect those ideas to each other. I think of this as brainstorming with yourself. When you’ve run out of ideas and thoughts about the topic, you can start ordering the pieces or transferring them in order to a sheet (or index cards, your planner, etc.) you can work from

After you’ve separated your large goal into these smaller steps, it becomes easier to find time to work on your new hobby or go to school or look for that new career. The goal feels smaller and more achievable because you’re not taking on the entire goal at once. You’re simply taking the next step toward the goal, and eventually all of those steps add up.

You’re on the other side of this life event or series of life events. You’ve spent time reflecting on how to create your next chapter, how life could be different, and what possibilities you could take advantage of with more time to do so. Our next and last chapter will focus on organizing systems that help your household run smoothly, giving you more time for these new possibilities.