ANICK CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF VIVEKA AS SHE WENT DOWN THE veranda’s stairs and out of the house. She pushed her way through the guests, excusing herself. But just as she reached the veranda, Valmiki caught her. He held Anick by her shoulders and said, “She’s going home. Let her go. She isn’t feeling well.”
Anick’s face crumpled. Valmiki gripped her hard. “Stop it, Anick. Don’t make a scene. You can call her later. Nayan’s coming; get hold of yourself.”
But Anick broke away from Valmiki and ran down the stairs. Valmiki let her go; as she glanced back, Anick could see that he had caught Nayan and was congratulating him, saying with studied lightness that Viveka had been complaining about a headache and nausea all morning. He and Devika had told her not to come but she had insisted, and now she had a temperature. Anick had gone to tell her goodbye. Valmiki’s voice carried on, asking Nayan how the visits to the obstetrician were going. And fortunately, before Valmiki’s attempts to hold Nayan back could become too obvious, Nayan was called back into the dining room to regale the guests with stories of his hopes and dreams for the child that was to be born.
The Krishnus’ car was parked among a long line of guest cars out on the road some distance, but still visible, from the house. Viveka was already in the driver’s seat trying to back the car out of a tight spot when Anick approached. She rolled the window down. Silently, tears ran down Anick’s face.
Finally Viveka spoke. “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me.”
“I only found out yesterday, and I couldn’t tell you on the phone or here today. I wanted to tell you first.”
The pregnancy was an answer to all the questions welling in Viveka’s head. There was no need to ask them. She was too stunned to feel anything more than confusion. She stared in the direction of the house as she spoke. “I guess I am really stupid. I hadn’t realized that you two still slept together. I am an absolute idiot.”
Anick was silent.
“How come you still sleep with him, Anick?” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them.
“Oh, Viveka, he is my husband. I cannot tell him no every time.”
“Do you want to — are you —” She didn’t know, really, what she wanted to ask.
Anick hazarded an answer. “I don’t know what to do. I cannot stay with Nayan any longer. I am not in love with him anymore. I love only you. We can wait until this child is born and then you and me and the baby, we can go away together.”
Viveka glared at Anick in disbelief. “You think you can take Nayan’s child, Ram Prakash’s grandchild, and go your own way?”
“We can go away together,” Anick repeated desperately. “You and me, we can be a family.” It was as if the particulars of her situation, the reality of Nayan, the Prakashs, of Viveka’s own family, of their position in Trinidad society, had vanished from Anick’s comprehension. Viveka glanced again at the house. Then se gripped the steering wheel and readied herself to drive away.
She wanted to tell Anick to get inside the car with her right away. What would she do then? she wondered. There was no hideaway on a small island. Drive to the airport, abandon her father’s car there and get on the first plane going anywhere? The outside world, which had always seemed unfathomably grand, suddenly felt too, too small. At the same time she knew she had to get away. But no, not with Anick. In a way she had, minutes ago, already left Anick.
“Say something, Vik. I am so sorry. I didn’t want this to happen. But, please, say something. Say you will wait and you will go away with me.”
Viveka looked at Anick. She wanted to get out of the car and hold her, wrap her arms around her. “Do you love Nayan, Anick? Tell me. I need to know.”
“I told you already. But is not that I love him or don’t love him.”
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t hate him, Viveka. Is just that —”
Viveka cut her off. “I don’t understand you. I don’t understand this push and pull. You seem to have done that to him from the beginning. Don’t do that to me.”
Anick reached a hand into the car, to the back of Viveka’s head. She grabbed a handful of hair and gently closed her fist on it. “Vikki, I have no life without you. Do you understand this? I love you. Only you.”
Viveka thought, I have no life here. She started the engine of the car. Anick let go of her hair and stepped back into a clump of flowering cock’s comb. She remained there until Viveka had backed out, driven off, and disappeared.
THE AIR-CONDITIONING IN THE CAR WAS SWITCHED ON, THE WINDOWS rolled up.
We have good news . . . the baby will be born in April . . . Oh Viveka, he is my husband. I can not tell him no every time . . . you better watch yourself . . .
The words formed an endless loop in Viveka’s mind. Her limbs felt limp. Thoughts of Anick came to her, and each time she felt a gripping sensation deep inside, as if pleasure and pain entwined there. As she neared San Fernando, a thousand realizations buzzed in her brain: all that she and Anick had felt between them had been real; she had felt more open and authentic than she had ever felt before. Big. Full. Full of purpose. How could any of this be wrong? She had to find a way to be all that she was, regardless of how society would view her. She could not live clandestinely. She would not. Nor would she let her present sadness devour her. She had to train herself to remain above it, otherwise she would become like Merle. There simply had to be a place where she would fit in, and she would find that place.
She thought of her and Anick’s first kiss, of her fingers sliding inside Anick, of Anick gasping and thrusting against her, and she determined not to go mad. Of the tip of her tongue encountering Anick’s heat and wetness, of how good that had been, and she promised herself that she would find a way out. She thought of lying on Anick, Anick gripping her tight, whispering into her mouth, against her cheek, and tears welled in her eyes. She thought of her parents holding her back from participating in sports, trying to break who she was and redesign her so that she didn’t bring notice to herself and shame to them, and she wept uncontrollably. She recalled hovering, moving her body against Anick, and the strange, absolutely true feeling in those moments that between her legs there was an appendage, a phantom one that swelled with all her desire and something baser, too, something more bestial and demanding, something that could enter and penetrate Anick, empty itself into her. How many times had she wished that she could cause Anick to become pregnant, and how often had the futility of the wish made her feel inconsequential and invisible? Tears poured down her cheeks and she made sincere bargains with a God she hadn’t really believed in before. In exchange for honesty, integrity, a lifetime of service, she prayed that she and all people like her be granted the freedom, so long as it did not hurt anyone, to love whomever they chose, to love well, and have that love returned without judgment. She implored, and her thoughts rambled on, and she made promise after promise and apology after apology for anything she had done to put big and small obstacles in the path of her way of loving. She thought of Nayan and the hurt he might have been caused, and apologized to him — then quickly decided that Anick and Nayan had been hurting each other so much, it was their love that should have been brought to an end, not her love with Anick.
She had to leave. That was clear. But leave how, and go where? What if she were to find a haven in the Trinidad Anick had told her about, in the north of the island? But in her heart she knew that there was nowhere on her small island far away and safe enough. After all, it was not only her security but that of her family, her mother and her father and Vashti, that would be affected.
By the time she arrived home in Luminada, Viveka was drenched in sweat, her face and neck tear-stained. She had no map of her future, but she knew who she was. She would not be diminished because of it.