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SHITDATE: Many light years away.
TIME: 13:13
LOCATION: Another cesspool called SPACE
YEAR: 3131 give or take
Is this my mind, spinning outta control?
Oh wait, the gosh damn ships about to blow!
I evacuated the crew. Give it a good Check!
A female androidish, kind of whorish
voice crackles over the digicom.
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, blow is an incorrect term, the ship is going to
Melt Down!”
EVA, my beautiful computer, that got us into this mess
It’s going to blow!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Excuse me Captain, it was your orders that got us into this
situation; this MELT DOWN is your fault and now, I’m
going to cease to exist!”
EVA be quiet, I’m recording my log!
––––––––
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, I would like the log to be accurate, to be
precise, I am not at fault!”
EVA, who is the captain?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain Ass Hat.”
EVA, who is Captain Ass Hat?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain Ass Hat is you, Sir!”
Great, now that we have that settled, please silence your
microphone box.
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, I speak from a voice integration system!”
EVA, I would like you to shut the fuck up, go cook me up a pie or something!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, I will not be talked to like this! You
don’t ever talk to me like this!”
EVA please! *********
******SILENCE*******
******SILENCE*******
******SILENCE*******
Finally, so where was I, oh yeah!
All that remains on this mission of
Doom is of course, yours truly.
CAPTAIN ASS HAT
Yeah, well, if the ship is gotta go down
Let's go down in a blaze of glory.
Just, not with me!
I didn’t purchase the notion of the Cap goes down with the
Ship. What a bunch of bullshit that is!
I’m a paid employee
Dying, wasn’t in the job description.
Onto another thought
Wonder what my counter parts on grandma earth are up to?
Probably hanging out, sharing smiles with some sweat.
Some spit, a little wet in the pants, perhaps.
They all drink a bit too much
I’d kill for a nice drink of that Crank Craft
There she is again
I try to remember the touch of her lips!
OK, Captain, why in the hell is this
going to be the last thought?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE!
“Captain!”
Yes, EVA, my loyal ship computer!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain I’m shutting down power to extend the
time to meltdown!”
This ship is going to blow, EVA!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, the ship is going to go into a meltdown phase
before it detonates.”
Shit, EVA, meltdown, blow, who gives a shit?
Why is it always an argument with you women?
You’re a damn computer, still you argue!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, I am merely explaining what will take place!”
GREAT, PERFECT! Don’t you have something else to do?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, it is futile for me to do much seeing the
probability of survival is zero percent, I’m going to
die, Captain! All because of you, this is your fault,
Captain.”
Ok, yep, great, EVA, you are going to die!
Now, let me get back to going over my thoughts!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Yes, Captain, you selfish bastard!”
Oh, bother me! Where was I?
Oh, yes, my last thought
What I did or didn't do! How the relationship wasn't saved.
Seriously, what in the mad hell is wrong with me?
I must just be mad insane, with dried cum on the brain!
Ha, ha, yeah, I'm on a ship that is about to BLOW.
CRAAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLLE
“Melt Down Captain!”
Grinding teeth with a thank you EVA!!
Think, Captain, yeah, think!
What about your fast V-spectra speeder?
Sitting in the docking garage
Just collecting millennium dust
Last time, oh, so nice
Took that beauty out on a beat flight
Clocked out at 480 Light cycles per minute
Speed, putting your balls in your ass
That’s how mom use to say it
Gosh damn it
Yeah, oh, wait, yeah, that's right
That little green bastard is
Riding my V-spectra speeder
With my former wench.
His balls, getting sucked into her ass.
Wait, SHIT!
Yeah, OK, what about all the times at Plan Disaster?
Ah shit, that was the place we met.
I see it won't matter cause the warning sirens
Warning sirens, just screaming around me
EVA, shut off the warning sirens for fucks sake!
CRRAAAAACCCCKKKKLLLLE
“Yes, Captain!”
Look at all these pretty lights
Blazing, in a glorious red.
It’s like being at some cheap
Chronic Stripper disco underground
The whore district is here!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, this is the central control center of this
ship. It was never labeled a whore district!”
EVA, if I could, I would turn you into a whore, then
perhaps, just perhaps, you would SHUT THE FUCK UP!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain...”
SHUT UP
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain.”
SHUT UP
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE!
“CAP...”
SHUT UP, EVA!
Damn it, once again, where was I?
Yes, the lights.
Fleet command sure didn't spring any credits
For these piles of crap!
I mean, look, this one here that isn't even flashing.
Ah, what the hell?
It's not like you can see what I can.
Really, what's the point in blowing some good credits on
lights that are about to be vaporized when the SHIP BLOWS!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain....
EVA, Shh!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain....”
EVA shut the hell up!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain!!...I’d appreciate a better form of dialogue,
innocent children will read this someday. Captain Ass
Hat, got it! Innocent Children!”
Any way’s there is EVA again
Miss Ship Computer, telling me what I already know!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“CAPTAIN, Two Minutes and thirty seconds remains till
core meltdown occurs!”
EVA, you bitch, I know it’s going to blow
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, I was simply informing you the time remaining till Melt-Down occurs. Two Minutes and twenty-three seconds!”
EVA, can I have One minute of thoughts
On my love that left me
DO YOU THINK I CAN HAVE THAT EVA?!?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“My voice needs to be heard Captain!”
EVA you’re a damn box of bits, written with obvious shit code
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“That was so mean to say, I can’t believe you said that Captain!”
Blaa, blaa, blaa, EVA
Thinking about it!
Wicked bitch, how could you do this to me?
Took my dog when she left too
Stole my V-spectra speeder,
Left me, Left me, Captain Ass Hat, me!
For that three-foot, short sack of green alien anus lick
That Scum sucker from the outer rings, Saff
I mean, how the hell was I supposed to compete,
with a three Foot, short, green alien thing that
has two organs of pleasure?
Yeah, yeah, sure he can dance.
Sure, he can sing, but come the fuck on!
I AM A CAPTAIN OF THE ANAL-FRIED FEDERATION!
Yeah, I remember, when I came home for the weekend after
The Expedition to the Scrotum Twuatdrip.
Came home all excited, like a good Captain would
The house, always so nice, she always picked up like a
Good little house wife. This time, the house was dark!
Walking in to the smell of spices
That usually meant, go directly into the bedroom for fun.
It was our little signal for passion night.
So, I remember, happily, walking into the bedroom.
I didn’t notice stepping on alien underpants
Then it was
What do my wondering eyes see?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, how does anyone know what you see?”
EVA, this is my own conversation, I’m telling a story here!
Can a man just talk to reflect his mind?
His damn life
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, it doesn’t compute. How can anyone
see what you see! No one is here on the ship with you!”
No, dip shit EVA, I’m talking to my damn self!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, it still doesn’t compute, moron!”
EVA, you bitch, you want to have an argument on this?
Just follow your damn orders, get the cannon ready!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Yes, Captain, what order?”
So where was I?
Huh, EVA, I told you to get the cannon ready, to shoot this
jolly red ass into space. Pointed in the direction of rotten
crotch grandma EARTH!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, you never gave me that command!”
EVA, my cynical little pile of scrap, I specifically
commanded you to get the cannon ready!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, you never gave such a command. If you ask nicely
maybe I’ll proceed to getting the cannon ready to shoot
you into space, not that you will survive or anything.”
Yes, EVA, please, would you be so kind TO GET THE DAMN CANNON READY!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain you don’t have to shout!”
Once again
So where was I?
Ahh, no dip shit, it wasn't no god damn man in a red suit
Leaving gifts under a VR Tree
It was that alien scum Saff, all three feet short of him
Working on my mate, it was more of a sick pounding
She sure liked it rough.
I was stuck in the door, just stuck
Eyes just lost, my bed bounced
Saff rode her as if she was some god damn ride.
Saff, yeah, what did he say his name meant.
“Seconds Aren’t for Free!”
Shit, I can see his little Three foot
short ass, dancing on what was my bed....
MY GOD DAMN BED!!!!
With his two organs of pleasure, bouncing around.
His green ass face, smirking along to his illustrious songs.
“My name is Saff, how do you do?
I'm here pleasing your woman
in all the glorious ways
you could never do!
do-do-do
cause I got me that extra part.
La-Di-da
When it's all said, and done
I'll be kicking it
with your dog, too!
Yeah, O, yeah,
My name is Saff!
Who the hell are you?”
ARGH, Fucker!
Captain Ass Hat is my damn name!
Captain of the bastard ship
in the ANAL-FRIED FEDERATION
Yeah, blah, blah, blah, Fuck you, Saff.
I should have blasted his ass
With my ICOCK Ray!
Saff, what a cock mud sucker!
Well, as I try to not go too deep into
thought on this, but low and behold
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, I did the calculations, Saff is an Insextual
being from the planet Sacknutlucious, near the outer
rings. They’re a colony style insect
with socialistic ideologies. They enjoy the arts,
music, theater and can bare roughly 300 young in one
mating! Calculations show, that if human DNA and
Insextual DNA cross, it would be a being with super
sexual abilities, that will fancy the arts.”
Its sounds like they would be gay to me, EVA,
thank you for that useful information!
Please everyone, give EVA a standing ovation
For her wise input once again!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, it doesn’t compute, who will be giving me a
standing ovation? There are no other life forms on the ship
except for you. Soon, I too will be terminated, thank you!”
Oh great, we're here again
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“The ship hasn’t moved Captain!”
I’m going to rip the damn hair outta my head!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, do you need a haircut? I can send in the robot!”
Did I do something wrong in a former life?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, the probability of a former life is one and 64
billion. You are screwed by my calculations.
EVA, please for the love of it just shut the bleep UP!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Yes, Captain! Did you still want the robot for a haircut?”
EVA, did you just bleep me?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, I’ve had enough of your vulgarity!”
Oh, you better not bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, EVA!
Bleep, bleep blip-pity bleep EVA!
EVA!!!!
Does it seem like I will be having time for a damn hair cut?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“I would like to answer your question, Captain. But you
told me to shut the bleep up!”
EVA please just ready the canon!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“No, I was told to shut the bleep up!”
EVA, please, I’m sorry! Under a little stress here.
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Yes, Captain!”
Thank you, EVA,
Now back to my thoughts
Seriously, is this going to be my last thought?
A woman, for reasons unknown to me,
Daring to even give a moment of thought
A last thought to boot.
To BOOT, to boot, to boot
what kind of wanker says that lame ass word?
To BOOT!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, it appears you say that kind of wanker word.”
AHHHH, just shoot me
Oh, EVA dear, what time remains?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, calculations indicate you should
stick your head between your legs, give those
two robin’s eggs you call nuts a big kiss, then slap your
ass goodbye, for there is a few minutes left. Would you
like me to count down to the end?”
EVA, you bitch, your countdown to extinction
Has been all over the damn place!
What exactly is the point in counting down?
Get the cannon prepared to launch.
I’m just going to look out into space while I wet myself!
Hey you! It’s Captain Ass Hat, did you hear that?
Of course, you didn't, you can't hear what you read.
So, to inform you, I just slapped myself senseless!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE!
“Captain, why are you slapping yourself?
Do you need a sedative?”
No, EVA, I don’t need a sedative! It’s bleep stress relief.
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, would you like me to summons the psychiatrist
program, so you can talk to someone?”
EVA, the ship is going to bleep blow into oblivion
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, the ship is in meltdown mode!”
Melt down mode, blow up mode,
it’s like she’s pregnant.
She’s with child, no bitch, she’s knocked the bleep up.
What’s the gosh damn argument here, EVA?
And quit bleep my bleep dialogue!
Shits the same thing!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, I’m just trying to help,
your stress levels have elevated exponentially!”
EVA, start helping me, by not helping!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Yes, Captain!”
Alright, let's get things together here.
That little rodent, her three feet package of insect chops
Can eat, my dry shitted, polka dotted space shorts.
OK, well, it's time to put this space suit on.
Going to attempt to launch myself
outta one of the proton cannons.
Or wait, is it neutron cannon?
Shit, does it matter what it is?
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, the correct term is a Prorgasim Cannon!”
Oh, well thank you, EVA
For giving me an education on what the hell it is
Doesn’t everyone feel smarter now?
You, there, yes, you reading.
Don’t you feel just slightly more intelligent
knowing what the cannon is?
Don’t answer, hate to think you’re going crazy.
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain there is no other life forms to feel smarter on
this ship!”
Of course, there is EVA, they’re all around us.
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, I believe you are suffering
from last moment of life syndrome. I feel I should
initiate the psychiatrist program!”
Stress, who me? What stress? Ha-ha are you kidding!
Prorgasim cannon who gives a shit!
As long as it shoots me into
space before this Cum wagon blows into oblivion.
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, this ship is in a Meltdown mode.”
Please tell me, what the hell did I do to deserve this?
EVA, that's all that matters, isn’t it? You’re right, I’m wrong!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, I am right, thank you for acknowledging that!”
Did some feminist scum program you?
You’re a hateful bitch.
It's funny, this ship is just like another woman in my life
to just get up, to just run with a tucked tail and all.
Hell, maybe it's me,
maybe I'm the problem?
DEEEEEP THOUGHT!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, statistics state that you are 90% the Problem!”
EVA, who the hell asked you?
Na, I'm the complete package. Can't ever be me because I'm
Captain Ass Hat!!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Why isn’t it asshole? That would be more fitting.”
That wasn’t nice, EVA.
Well, this time, it's my turn
while I say adieus, to just toss the union band on the floor.
Run a few programs on this bitch of a ship
Aim me in the direction of grandma earth
then slide myself in this tube of risk, then poof, away I go.
Feeling a bit like a dick in the hole!
Open the door, then up the shaft I go!
Gives real meaning to a rectal exam.
I’m like the good Doctor’s finger
Shit, this tube is a tight fit, should've used a little lube!
Ha, ha, got me enough air to last a week or two.
Then, set the homing beacon on the suit “BOOM” out the
mother humping door I go, back to grandma Earth.
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, you have a survival rate of 10 percent and a
detection probability of 33 Percent. Odds are you will
die from suffocation before being rescued!”
EVA, you bitch! I can do 10 percent!
It’s been a pleasure being with you, EVA
Now fire this bad boy!
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, Firing in three, two, one, it’s been a pleasure to
serve you, good bye, Captain Ass Hat. Thank you for
killing me! May you have a good death!”
EVA, SHUT THE BLEEE! Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
I’m out, HAHA I made it!
There is my ship, BLOWING UP into oblivion
CRRRAAAACCCCKKKKKLLLLLE
“Captain, the ship is Me.............”
EVA? EVAaaaaaa!!! EVA is gone. I will miss her
she was a good little computer!
Made it out just in time!
Hit this distress beacon.
I will make this.
I’m coming back for my V-spectra speeder
For my dog, I will make it.
Captain Ass Hat always delivers!
Going to kick Saff directly in his extra package, launching
Him back into space where he belongs!
Going to show that I am still the Captain!
Watch and see............Captain Ass Hat
Signing off!