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The phone chimes away
This comatose mind states
It’s an earthquake?
Fuck this, L.A.
I reach into the dark
My hand, frantically flailing in the air
Smashing into the lamp
Banging the nightstand
Searching for the one said-
Noise making communication device
There is the piece of shit
I hear it
A voice cries out
Dear reader, understand
Have a little sympathy for me!
I’m now fucked that I hit the green
instead of the red
annoying voice blazes away
Are you there?
Ahh, fuck!
Oh, sorry, did I wake you?
No, not at all, it’s only, what, five AM?
You serious, no huh, just your normal sarcastic self
What the hell do you want?
Oh, sorry, just needed to talk, totally not important
For the love of baby Jesus, it’s obviously important
Ok, well, having a hard time here
Yeah, great, now what?
Need to find myself, I’m fat
Oh, how tragic
Serious, I don’t feel important; men won’t want me like this! Being fat in this town is a death sentence
Tragic, who said you were wanted?
That’s not nice, thanks for that
Welcome
No, serious, I’m fat
Well, maybe you’re not fat enough, ever think of that?
Why would you say that? You think I’m fat, knew it
Shit a loaf of bread, what do you think?
You’re an asshole and not a safe place
Safe place, what, am I a house?
Meant, a place to come talk
Now I’m a support group, how great
Didn’t mean it like that, just need a place I can come tell my issues, talk about them
Isn’t that called a diary, don’t you have some dumb box you’d call a friend, ya know, another female to call and talk to at 5 fucking AM?
Hate women, they’re bitches, I should know
Wonderful, maybe that is part of the problem
I told you I was a lot to deal with
Well lucky fucking me, did I sign a waiver?
Whatever! Why are you being rude?
Oh, I don’t know
Enter some fucked-up female noise
I’m so fat, don’t know what to do, can’t fit into my pants
Fuck me! Shit, meant, do you really think you’re fat?
Oh, my god, seriously, like I’m a blimp, my pants don’t fit
Shit, you’re like a hundred pounds wet, how can this be?
My pants don’t fit and I have to go to work
What the hell am I supposed to do?
What is your problem, I just need to talk!
Of course, you do
So, reader, at this point there is a series of silence, like eternity or something. Shit, I might have nodded off, who the hell knows? Then the voice comes back rudely
Aren’t you going to say something?
Throw on some fucking yoga pants, is that all you needed, bills’ in the mail
Why don’t you listen to me?
Did I die, is this hell?
What does that mean, gosh, like, I never! Asshole!
This is what I’m talking about
What are you talking about?
This
Why did I even call you?
FUCK
Yes, reader, another series of silence, brutal it is, when all you want to do is sleep. Then the voice comes back after some heavy breathing and sighing
I called because...
After another moment of silence, this is that point where I needed to be a goddamn mind reader through the phone or something at 5 AM
Oh, let me guess, I’m supposed to know what you need?
Something like that would be nice, I want to be heard
Then go outside and scream
I’m serious
Yeah, you said that
Ugh, why do I call such an inconsiderate asshole?
That is a mystery you will need to figure out
I guess I don’t think right
Maybe it would be best if you just stopped thinking
Do you think that would help?
Listen, you are nice and all but a bit too loopy for me
What the hell does that mean, too loopy?
It means, well it means, you are fucking crazy
That’s not fair, I thought you were a safe place
I know how you can fit into your pants
How is that?
Jump off a rooftop into them
Click goes the phone
the world is dark
World, beautiful again
Silence
Time to go back to sleep
Farewell 5AM sanity test
Issued from the mentally insane
I’ve walked a lonely road
What feels like millenniums
Upon shoeless toes