Subsequent entries in the Headingley MS A notebook continue in much the same vein. This second grouping, like the first, leans heavily toward internal spiritual debate. Vague but vociferous charges of irregularities (sensuality, 17; immoderate mirth and anger, 15; evil speaking, 20; inadvertence and temptations, 16) stand in tension with professions of sincerity, praise, thankfulness, and faith in a God who is both powerful and loving (e.g., in 35, 38, 42, and 43).
Woven into these devotional strivings are entries that offer several more specific insights into Susanna Wesley’s life. One is her entry on drinking ale (29); another, her extended reflection on the catechism’s requirements for Communion (3.5); and still another, an outline of what her ideal morning routine might look like (41). Her intent in all this is to take note of “common mercies” and to maintain a “constant sense of God upon the soul,” nicely caught in a stanza from George Herbert in yet another meditation (40).
[15. Speaking truth.]
R. upon Reflection of Errors in practice1
April 21, 1711
Endeavour to keep a due guard over your words, that you may habitually speak nothing but what is true on all occasions. Consider what a high offence it is against the God of truth to speak falsely, either through design or inadvertence. In telling any story or relating past actions be careful to speak deliberately and calmly, avoiding immoderate mirth or laughter on the one hand and uncharitableness and excessive anger on the other, lest your invention supply the defect of your memory, ever remembering you are in the presence of the great and holy God. Every sin is a contradiction and offence to some divine attribute. Lying is opposite and offensive to the truth of God.
[16. The danger of feeling “holier than thou” in contrast to neighbors and of forgetting God’s grace.]
Even[ing]
Whenever you find any extraordinary assistance from the Spirit of God, either by illuminating the mind whereby you have a more clear perception of God or spiritual things or when he strengthens the soul or raises the affections, etc., then be sure for some time after to keep a stronger guard upon yourself lest by your unfaithfulness to that good Spirit you provoke him to withdraw his influences and so leave you in a state of uncomfortable darkness.
I am verily persuaded that the inequalities in a Christian’s temper is [sic] chiefly owing to their own inadvertence. To a remissness after secret duties and a presumption on their own strength, which makes them careless of improving their graces and unmindful of those many temptations that they are hourly exposed to, which by reason of their smallness (never considering their number) we are apt to despise, when in truth those lesser but numerous temptations are the greatest trials of our virtue.
I have often observed that after the greatest enlargements2 in prayer and the greatest professions of devotedness to God, we are permitted to fall into great temptations, which I humbly conceive to be commonly for one of these reasons: to try the sincerity of the mind, to show us whether or no we are in our outward conversation the same we profess to be in our retirements. Or else to humble the mind which upon such occasions is too apt to be elated, it being very natural upon reflection on any extraordinary performances to entertain too high a conceit of ourselves, especially if we live among people that are licentious in their lives and that observe no rule in their actions.3 Then we are presently ready to say, “Stand by thyself, I am holier than thou.”4 So apt is vain, foolish man to turn the grace of God into wantonness and to forget that God that makes them to differ from the rest of the world. To whom be glory!
[17. Working with God’s grace through a thrice daily examination of conscience, a performance of duty even in the absence of “full assurance.”]
Morn[ing]
What an exceeding condescension is it for the Holy Spirit at any time to vouchsafe his assistance to such sinful worthless creatures as we are!5 And how careful ought we to be lest at any time we should grieve him and provoke him to depart from us. God hath said, “My Spirit shall not always strive with man,” 6 and how know we when we wilfully reject his motions and that by our strong adherence to sensuality, which he would persuade us to forsake, we shall not cause him to leave us, never to return more, the consequence of which can be nothing less than final apostasy.7 By grace we stand, but if we despise or neglect this grace, what remains but a certain fearful looking-for of judgment and fiery indignation!8
Be then extremely careful to purify your mind from all that may offend him. Keep it calm and composed and, as much as possible, separate from the world. That still small voice is not heard amidst the thunder and noise of tumultuous passions.9
Keep the mind in a temper for recollection, and often in the day call it in from outward objects, lest it wander into forbidden paths. Make an examination of your conscience at least three times a day and omit no opportunity of retirement from the world.10
“My grace is sufficient for thee,” was the most that an apostle could obtain upon very earnest prayer.11 Not shall be, but is, 12 signifying that his utmost endeavours might be used for obtaining that grace. And if an apostle had not a full assurance given him that it should be actually sufficient for his support, what can such a one as thou art expect?
However, do thy duty, make use of all the means for obtaining that grace which God afford thee,13 throw thyself upon the divine goodness for success, and firmly rely on the merits of Christ Jesus to supply the deficiencies of thy performances—and if I perish, I perish.…14
[18. Due regard for the “temper of the soul” in times of prayer and devotion.]
Even[ing]
Beware of immoderate mirth, anger, or any other passion, especially for some time before the family or private devotions. Take care to guard the mind against them. Take at least a quarter of an hour to recollect and compose the thoughts before your immediate approaches to the great God. If but an earthly prince or some person of eminent quality were certainly to visit you, or you were to visit him, would you not be careful to have your apparel and all about you decent before you were to come into their presence? How much more should you take care to have your mind in order, when you take upon yourself the honour to speak to the sovereign Lord of the universe? Upon the temper of the soul in your addresses to him depends your success in a very great measure. He is infinitely too great to be trifled with, too wise to be imposed on by a mock devotion, and he abhors a sacrifice without a heart. An habitual sense of his perfections is an admirable help against cold and formal performances, but the lamp of devotion is always burning. Yet a wise virgin will arise and trim it before they [sic] presume to go forth to meet the bridegroom.’15 Rash and precipitate prayers and abrupt breaking off from them to follow business or pleasure is such an affront to the holy God as he will not endure and will be sure to punish.
[19. Inadvertence to the self-evident principles of religion versus a “constant habitual sense of God.”]
Noon
I am inclined to think that all people, even those who have not the light of the Gospel as well as Christians, do know more than they advert to or practice.16 The common principles of morality are so self-evident, though perhaps not innate,17 that ’tis hardly to be supposed any person in the world can be really ignorant of them, and the reason why the generality of mankind does so often act contrary to them is rather for want of advertence than for want of knowledge. What creature under heaven that has the use of reason can be ignorant of the being of God and that they ought to live in subjection to him from whom they receive their own being and all things necessary for the support of that being? And yet how few do in reality practice an unfeigned subjection of themselves towards him! And what can be the reason of this, but the want of consideration and advertence to these first principles of Religion.
Be careful to avoid this inadvertence and to maintain a constant habitual sense of God in your mind. Live and act as in his presence. Think often of his omnipresence and omniscience, of his power, wisdom, goodness, justice, truth, etc., and above all of his infinite purity, which will be a check upon the mind and be the best preservative against all temptations.
[20. Avoid speaking evil of the innocent, the dead, and the absent.]
Even[ing]
Innocence is sacred and ought to be reverenced by all, and therefore the honour of persons that are so happy as to preserve it ought always to be held inviolable.
Those that are dead have no longer a part in the land of the living—they are passed into the region of either pure or unhappy spirits and therefore we should not remember their vices, at least not speak of them to others, since they are no longer subject to any earthly power, and we know not what sentence is passed upon them at that tribunal before which we must all appear.
The absent hear not what we say, and, if we speak against them, whether true or false, not hearing, they are not capable of making us an answer. And it seems very unjust and uncharitable to bring an accusation against such as cannot plead in their own defence. And though they should afterwards hear of it and should justify themselves, yet ’tis odds but some that might hear of the crime may not hear the vindication, and so their reputation may be blasted, and their interest weakened past recovery.
This is like wounding a man in the dark, whereas a generous person should rather choose to confront his enemy and allow him fair play for his life. It always argues a base and cowardly temper to whisper secretly what we dare not speak to a man’s face. Therefore, be careful to avoid all evil speaking and be ever sure to obey that command of our Saviour, in this case as well as others.18 “Whatsoever you would that men should do unto you, do you even so unto them.” 19 Therefore, be very cautious in speaking of these three sorts of persons, viz., the innocent, the dead, and the absent.
[21. Acquiesce to God’s uniting of minds with bodies, but pray for strength to govern and regulate the affections.]
Noon
’Tis in vain to contend with divine Providence or to think of changing the course of nature. And since it hath pleased the infinitely wise God in this state of probation to unite our minds to these gross bodies, we must acquiesce in his appointment and not pretend to separate them wholly from all the inconveniences that are incident to this union. We cannot receive the knowledge of things without us but by our senses, and we cannot altogether prevent the strong impressions that sensual objects are wont to make upon the mind.20 We must in this case endeavour what we can to maintain the superiority of mind over matter, lest it be corrupted by a too close adherence to sensible objects. We must preserve the government of reason and not suffer our passions to get the ascendant over us. “He that is washed,” says our Saviour, “needs not save to wash his feet, and is clean every whit.”21 If our affections are but purified, the work is done. Sensual objects works [sic] immediately upon them, and by means of our passions they prevail over the soul and insensibly influence the last practical dictate of the understanding.
Therefore, be sure to be very hearty and earnest in praying to God for strength to govern and regulate your affections. “It is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.”22 Therefore, humbly implore the divine majesty to steer your soul by his Holy Spirit through all the intricate scenes of human life. Depend not on your own strength or reason, but rely only on his infinite wisdom, and he will guide you by his counsel and at last conduct you to his glory through Jesus Christ our Lord.
[22. Daily problems: opportunities to exercise virtue and receive the benefit of divine strength. Always beg God’s direction and assistance.]
Even[ing]
There is hardly one day that does not verify the truth of our Saviour’s words, St. Matthew,23 “Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof.” What through the weakness and corruption of our natures, the unavoidable business of our station, many unforeseen accidents, unexpected company, cross occurrences, with abundance of other […],24 incident to human life, we have occasion given us daily to exercise our virtues of one kind or other. Yesterday you had an extraordinary occasion to use your justice and patience, today your prudence, temperance and charity in forgiving injuries.25 You did well in applying yourself to the supreme Fountain of virtue for grace in this perplexed affair, and you accordingly succeeded well and found that his “strength is made perfect in weakness” 26 and that he is Truth itself and “all his promises are yea and amen” 27 through Jesus the mediator. Did you ever once in your life in a full sense of your own impotence of mind with humility and sincerity implore the divine assistance without being heard in what you feared? Then may you “set to your seal that God is true,” 28 since you have always found him so. And as you have this day had a fresh instance of his hearing your prayers, so be very careful never to venture upon any business without first begging the direction and assistance of God, which will be a check upon your mind when you would do any thing you know to be unlawful or dubious and will encourage you with hopes of success in your lawful undertakings.
[23. Opportunities for both “retirement” and a particular piece of business; but submit to Providence if illness or family business does intervene.]
Morn[ing]
God gives you many opportunities of retirement for his service. Adore the divine goodness, therefore, and be careful not to neglect improving them. Endeavour somewhat in your business relating to——. If you can possibly do somewhat in it every day, yet do not lay too much stress upon such performances as to be uneasy if you cannot. If bodily infirmities or extraordinary business in the family, etc., should prevent you, submit to the order of providence, for “obedience is better than sacrifice.” 29
[24. Religion defended against charges of melancholy: allowing for the inevitable imperfections of this life, the only truly happy people are good ones.]
Even[ing]
How unjustly does the profane part of the world charge religion with melancholy and moroseness, as if it tended only to destroy the comforts of our enjoyments and rendered the professors of it fit only to converse with themselves. Whereas, on the contrary, all things in the world where that is wanting cannot possibly make us happy or easy to ourselves or others. Whatever we enjoy of the good things of this life are attended with so much “vanity and vexation of spirit” 30 that any considering person may easily perceive that our happiness even in this world does entirely depend on the favour of God, which we cannot hope to enjoy without the constant practice of piety and virtue.
I will not say but it may sometimes happen that religious persons may now and then be peevish and morose, but I dare say ’tis not religion, but their want of it that makes them so. The best men in the world are here in a state of imperfection, and corrupt nature will not be wholly conquered in this state of mortality.31 There will be deficiencies in their virtues and oftentimes great imperfections mixed with them.32 Yet, notwithstanding all the inconveniences or faults which attend good men, they are the only persons that can in any tolerable sense be called happy and well-tempered.
Be not you discouraged with your own failings, nor do not [sic] spend so much time in thinking on them. Consider that perfection is thy Saviour’s endowment, sincerity is thine. His merits (if relied on by a firm faith joined with your sincere endeavour to obey the whole will of God) will supply thy deficiencies. That incense which is offered up by the angel of the covenant with the prayers of saints33 will prevail for the acceptance of thine, if they have but that one ingredient of sincerity, though they too often have a sad mixture of vanity and inadvertence.34 Therefore, go on, confess, and bewail;35 who can tell how soon God may be merciful to thee and give thee grace to amend? Amen! Amen!
[25. Patience and submission in bodily infirmities; puzzlement at an acquaintance’s lack of faith under her afflictions.]
Even[ing]
Often interrupted by bodily infirmities, indeed. Yet such is the will of God; therefore, in this case your duty is patience and submission. Still remember, “obedience is better than sacrifice.”36
I cannot conceive how any person that truly fears God can speak such words as M. H.37 is said to speak, now she is under such afflictions. Those of——are great trials, indeed, but still one would think that nothing a person can suffer in the world could be sufficient to provoke them [sic] to say, “I don’t know whether there is a God, but if there is, I have but little to thank him for, for he sends me nothing but plagues.” 38 Good God! That any person out of hell and that has received being and preservation, food, raiment, etc. from thee near sixty year should think or say that they have nothing to praise thee for! But what is still infinitely more than all we can receive of temporal blessings, thou has sent thy only Son into the world to save sinners, and though thou should deal never so severely with us in relation to the world, that one infinite, inestimable mercy is sufficient to excite us to praise and adore thee to all eternity!39 How different is this from the temper of J. H. who says, when in contemplation of the love of God in giving us a Saviour, “I can live on and rejoice in the faith of Jesus Christ though I were ready to starve.”40
Her condition is indeed very pitiable, but the temper of her mind under her affliction is much more deplorable than her circumstances. Remember, therefore, always to pray for her particularly. Who can tell whether God will be merciful to that wretched soul or not?
[26. Practice your own written rules; perform your thrice daily examination better; do good, on pain of damnation, especially to souls committed to your care.]
Morn[ing]
“A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump.” 41 A little irregularity in any passion puts the whole mind into disorder. And those persons that are uneasy to themselves can never be easy to those about them. Why do you not take more care to practice your own rules? What reason or for what end do you write them down, if not that you may remember to practice them in your conversation in the world? If it be necessary to keep the affections under due government and to be careful not to offend in speaking of people that are absent, and you are convinced that it is your duty so to do,42 be more careful for the future not to be guilty in this matter, lest by sinning against the checks of conscience, you provoke the Holy Spirit to forsake you.
Perform your daily examination] three times a day more accurately; let no trifling matter divert you. It requires not much time. Opportunities once lost can never be recovered.
“Whatever your hand findeth to do, do it with all your might,” saith Solomon.43 Doing nothing or nothing to the purpose is in effect the same. This trifling temper in matters of eternal moment is above all things to be avoided. When you have an opportunity, therefore, thankfully and vigorously make use of it. And remember that for all these things God will bring you to judgment. Sins of omission are most dangerous, and our Saviour’s charge at the last day will be chiefly made up of such. He when on earth “went about doing good.”44 And you must also do what good you can, especially to the souls God hath committed to your care. If any one soul among your children or servants should perish for want of your example or instruction, your own would be in danger of eternal damnation. Let the thoughts of this be a spur to your undertaking in——,45 and do not be discouraged by infirmities or labour.…46
[27. Thanks to God for peaceful conscience and no violent passions.]
Noon
There is no joy like peace of conscience, nor any pleasure comparable to the satisfaction of the soul when it feels itself strengthened by the grace of God to perform the several duties of one’s station.
It would be well if in extraordinary occurrences we could keep the mind from being too warm and speaking too eagerly; yet however, praise God for preventing your falling into violent passion and for any power of recollection. Trust him with all events and beg his blessing on your honest endeavours. May he guard your mind in the afternoon and inspire you with devotion in singing his praise.
[28. Desire for closer union with God; glory to God despite apprehensions of divine displeasure.]
Even[ing]47
Give God the praise for any well-spent day—But you are yet unsatisfied because you do not enjoy enough of God, you apprehend yourself at too great a distance from him, you would have your soul united more closely to him by faith and love—You cannot say with the Apostle, “Lord, thou that knowest all things, knowest that I love thee.”48 But you can appeal to his omniscience, that he knows you would love him above all things. He that made you knows your desires, your expectations, your joys all centre in him and that ’tis he himself you desire, his favour, his acceptance, the communications of his grace that you earnestly wish for, more than anything in the world, and that you have no relish nor delight in anything when under apprehensions of his displeasure. You rejoice in his essential glory and blessedness, you rejoice in your relation to him, that he is your Father, you Lord, Your God.…49
You rejoice that he has power over you and desire to live in subjection to him, and yet he condescends to punish you when you transgress his laws, as a father chastiseth the son whom he loveth50—Thank him that has brought you so far, and beware of despairing of mercy, but give God the glory of his free grace.
[29. Strong drink, a vow, and a “nice constitution.”]
Morn[ing]51
I do not approve of your drinking twice of ale in so short a time. Not that I think it unlawful for another to do so, or that it is a direct breach of your vow, but it is injurious to your health and so does not fall under your own rule, viz., never to drink anything strong but merely for refreshment. You have great reason to adore the great and good God! that hath given you so nice52 a constitution as will not bear the least degree of intemperance. He might have made you strong to endure the excesses others run into, and so you might often have been exposed to temptations to offend, whereas now you are doubly guarded both by his wise and holy laws and an infirm body. Glory be to thee, O Lord!
[30. A sincere heart can make up for inattentive worship—and various other impediments.]
Noon
“The spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak”53 was the kind excuse that a merciful Saviour pleaded in behalf of his disciples when through infirmity they could not watch one hour with Jesus. And it is said by an apostle that …54
Therefore, though by reason of infirmities you can rarely exert the powers of the soul and vigorously attend on God’s service, yet if the heart be sincere, you may hope for acceptance. A little time, a great deal of weakness, and much business are impediments that much of love will overcome. Purify the mind, then, from all worldly regards, cease from desiring any applause “from man whose breath is in his nostrils, for wherein is he to be accounted of?” 55 And apply yourself vigorously to——56
[31. God is powerful—but willing? Grace is worth waiting for.]
Even[ing]
“God spake once, and twice have I heard the same, that power belongeth unto God,” saith David.57
The mind of man is naturally so corrupted, and all the powers thereof so weakened by the first man’s transgression, that we cannot possibly aspire vigorously towards God or have any clear perception of spiritual things without his assistance.
Nothing less than the same almighty power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead can raise our souls from the death of sin to a life of holiness.
You do not question his power, but you apprehend58 his will, and indeed that is an obstacle (if it be against you) that cannot be removed. But how do you know that he is unwilling? Whence proceeds these desires if not from him? Perhaps he still defers his assistance to make further trial of your faith and patience. His grace is worth waiting for; therefore, be not discouraged, but remember the words of our Saviour, “that men ought always to pray and not to faint.” 59
[32. A brief essay on government: the human right to govern oneself (albeit in the context of civil and ecclesiastical hierarchy).]
Morn[ing]
Piety, power, prudence and courage seem to be of the essence of government.60 Piety secures the end, prudence directs to the choice of means, power is requisite to the act and is the nerves and sinews thereof, and courage is needful for the exerting power and encountering the difficulties and obstacles we may meet with.
Piety is the most solid basis of government and doth most effectually secure the end of it, viz., the glory of God and the good of mankind.
Though these qualifications are requisite in the constitution of civil powers, yet, it not being my present design to speak of them, I proceed to say something briefly of that government which every person in the world hath a right to, viz., the government of himself.
The right that a man hath to govern himself is unquestionable, and though almighty God, the supreme Lord and Governor of the universe hath distinguished his creatures into various ranks and orders and amongst men hath established governments ecclesiastical and civil which include61 all men in one case or other, in one respect or other to be in a state of subjection, yet, as he hath not by any law of his own, so neither has any human law a right to invade or deprive a man of that power which God has given him to govern himself. As he received this right from the author of his being, so in his using it according to the will of his creator consists his glory, perfection and happiness.
[33. Further musings on self-government.]
Even[ing]
By “himself” I mean his better part, his mind or soul, taking the word “mind” in the largest sense,62 comprehending all his spiritual powers, understanding, will, passions, or affections. Nor do I63 confine here the term “understanding”64 only to the simple power or, to speak more properly, act of perception, though the first in order, but include judgment and reason within the verge of that power.65
[34. Reason’s government of the passions by God’s (and Nature’s) laws.]
Noon
Whether what we call the several faculties or powers of the mind are really distinct in their own nature or only distinguished by us because of their various operations, concerns us not to inquire at this time;66 ’tis sufficient that what we call understanding, judgment, and reason ought to have the government of the passions or affections, and this is the province wherein every man ought to rule, this the kingdom wherein a man ought absolutely to govern, and the laws by which he ought to govern are those of God and, what is in effect the same, the laws of pure uncorrupted nature.67
[35. The catechism’s requirements for communion prompt an extended believing-doubting reflection on repentence, confession, assurance, and prevenient grace.]
Morn [ing]
The Church replies to that question, “What is required of those that come to the Lord’s Supper?”: “To examine themselves whether they repent them truly of their former sins, stedfastly purposing to lead a new life, have a lively faith in God’s mercy through Christ, with a thankful remembrance of his death, and be in charity with all men.” 68
“Whether they repent them truly of their former sins …” This you have done, but you still fear that your repentance is partial and that you have not remembered the thousandth part of your transgressions; and indeed who can tell how oft he offendeth! 69 But you have taken the commands of God for your rule and have confessed the several kinds of your sins, though not every particular act of each kind. And this you have done, not that you think repentance or confession hath any proper merit in themselves, but you perform as a condition to which the promise of pardon and grace is annexed, and you rely only on the merits of Christ for pardon and acceptance and do humbly hope that the redundance of his merits will supply the deficiencies of your repentance.70
You renounce your own righteousness, your own performances in point of merit and rely only on “Jesus the mediator of the new covenant.” 71
You are at a stand about the second general head: “purposing to lead a new life.” What is the import of this purposing? If it be you desire to lead a new life, this you fully assent to; ’tis the grief and exceeding trouble of your soul that you have not, nor cannot (as you apprehend) serve God any better. But if it implies a resolution of a more exact obedience, you cannot resolve because, discouraged by the experience of daily renewed failings, you say, “Oh, that it might be so, that you might be entirely devoted to God.” 72 But “who is sufficient for these things?” 73 “Better not to vow than not to perform.” 74 You cannot, dare not, undertake for your bad self, but you humbly throw yourself upon the mercy of God and beg that his grace may be actually sufficient for you.75
“Have a lively faith in God’s mercy through Christ.” You seem to stagger at the promise of God through unbelief—what is it that you stick at? You do believe that God hath a desire to the work of his omnipotence and that from eternity as he foresaw the fall of man, so he provided a remedy that his creatures, whom he purposed to create in his own image, should not perish.
Consider the infinite boundless goodness of the ever blessed Trinity, adore the stupendous mystery of divine love! That God the Father, Son and Holy Ghost should all concur in the work of man’s redemption! What but pure goodness could move or excite God, who is perfect essential blessedness! That cannot possibly receive any accession of perfection or happiness from his creatures. What, I say, but love, but goodness, but infinite incomprehensible love and goodness could move him to provide such a remedy for the fatal lapse of his sinful unworthy creatures? If he had been willing you should perish, he might ha’ let you ha’ perished without the expense of so many miracles to save you. Why did he give you birth in a Christian country of religious parents by whom you were early instructed in the principles of religion? Why hath he waited so long to be gracious? Why hath his providence so often prevented76 you? And why hath the same good providence so often reclaimed you by punishments and mercies? Why hath his Spirit so long striven with you, cooperating with the means of grace, illuminating your mind, purifying your affections, in some measure awakening your conscience, not suffering you to enjoy any rest or quiet in a course of sin? And though sometimes you have been impatient under the checks of conscience in lesser miscarriages, yet he hath not given you over till he hath brought you to repentance. You may remember the time when you were strongly inclined to——,77 and you cannot forget your state of temptation that you were in two whole years, and what a doubtful conflict you then sustained—but yet the good Spirit of God never totally left you, but the better principle at last prevailed to the eternal glory of free grace. And may you not argue as Manoah’s wife, “If the Lord were pleased to destroy me, were willing that I should perish, would he have at all regarded my prayers, would he have enabled me through the assistance of his Holy Spirit to conquer this temptation and to break such an inveterate habit of evil thinking?” 78
’Tis the frequent relapses into the power of the world, etc., that is certainly the occasion of these strange perplexities and so often shocks your faith and trust in God’s mercies through Christ. “If any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ … and he is the propitiation for our sins.” 79 “If any man sin …” 80 The apostle here does not say such a one should be discouraged or despair of mercy, but directs to look up to Jesus Christ and tells us in such a case that we should remember “he is the propitiation for our sins.” That he is “an advocate with the father,” pleading his own meritorious sufferings on the behalf of sinners. “If this thy creature hath wronged thee or oweth thee ought, place that to my account.”81
[36. Reflection on a mind-body problem: intense preparation for the sacrament can lead to temporary spiritual indisposition.]
Noon82
You have of late often experienced that the more accurate you have been in the work of preparation for the sacrament, the more indisposed you have been to spiritual things (especially for meditation and reflection) for sometimes one, sometimes two or three days after. And this hath been a great discouragement to you, and you have thought that your soul has received no benefit from that sacred ordinance.
Now the reason of it I apprehend to be this—long intense thinking, keeping the mind for a considerable time to hard exercise, does necessarily impair the bodily strength where persons are of a weak constitution, and then the mind, being under the influences of the body in this imperfect state, it cannot exert itself till that hath again recovered its vigour, which requires some time, and you may observe that as the body is refreshed the soul is strengthened. Therefore, be not discouraged, but endeavour to keep your mind as composed as possible, and pray to God to preserve you from temptation during this bodily indisposition and that, “as your day is, so your strength may be.”83 Amen, Lord Jesus!84
[37. The sinful self humbled before the great and holy God.]
Morn[ing]
You above all others have most need of humbling yourself before the great and holy God for the very great and very many sins you daily are guilty of in “thought, word, and deed, against his divine majesty”!85 What a habitual levity is there in your thoughts, how broken and inconsistent are they, how many vain impure thoughts pass through the mind in one hour, and though they do not take up their abode for any long continuance, yet their passing through often leaves a tincture of impurity. How many worldly regards, even in sacred actions, what habitual inadvertence,86 seldom any seriousness or composure of spirit, the passions rude and tumultuous, very susceptible of violent impressions from light and inconsiderable accidents, unworthy a reasonable being, but more unworthy a Christian. “Keep thy heart with all diligence (thy thoughts, thy affections), for out of them are the issues of life.”87
Who can tell how oft he offendeth in this kind. “O cleanse thou me from my secret faults.” 88
“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.”89 How many vain unnecessary words are you guilty of daily, how many opportunities of speaking for the good of the souls committed to your care are neglected, how seldom do you speak of God with that reverence, that humility, that gravity, that you ought?90 Your words as well as your thoughts are deficient—you do not conceive or speak of God aright. You do not speak magnificently nor worthily of him who is “the high and lofty one that inhabiteth eternity”!91 ’ The creator of the universe, an immense infinitely perfect mind. Holiness is his essence. ’Tis the eternal infinite rectitude of his nature,92 causing him to act always suitably to the transcendent excellence and dignity of his own perfections! He is absolutely separated from all moral imperfection. There is no contrariety or contradiction in him, “no variableness, neither shadow of turning!”93 He is Power! Wisdom! Justice! Goodness! Truth! He is perfection of being which comprehends all and infinitely more than we can possibly conceive!
He is essential glory, nor can his glory admit of access or diminution by any act of his creatures. ’Tis an impropriety of speech to say we glorify his name, for ’tis the exercise of his mercy, goodness, etc., upon man that reflects this glory on those perfections.
[38. Consideration of hell and redemption: abundant reason for praising God.]
Morn[ing]
If a little pain or an uneasy bed be so tiresome for one night, what will you do if God in his infinite wisdom should think fit to afflict you with a long or very painful sickness before he takes you out of the world? Or what will a painful lingering disease be to a state of everlasting torments? Let the torments we suffer in this life be never so severe, yet death will sooner or later infallibly put an end to them, but from hell there is no deliverance, no flying from the power and justice of the Almighty, no alleviation of torment for one single moment, no refreshment, no diversion, nothing but solid substantial misery to all eternity!
O what abundant reason have you to adore, to praise, to magnify the goodness and love of God for sending his Son into the world to die for sinners! What reason have you to praise and adore and love your Saviour that suffered so much to redeem you from that place of torment! What sentiments of gratitude should [you] conceive for such boundless charity to souls! And how gladly and cheerfully should you take up your cross for him that suffered death upon the cross for thee? How ought you to praise and adore the blessed Spirit that sanctifies and illuminates the mind, that cooperates with the means of grace! That condescends to visit and assist and refresh your soul by his powerful influences! Glory be to the Father! Son! and Holy Ghost! Joint authors of man’s salvation!
[39. The difficulty of an even temper in devotion.]
Noon
“The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it?” 94 How difficult a thing is it to maintain an even temper, one minute praising God, the next averse from that most blessed employment, stupid, dull, and heavy, immersed in matter. Lord, pity and forgive.
[40. Be thankful for common mercies; aim. for a “constant sense of God upon the soul.”]
Even[ing]
How uneasy is the mind when either company, business or anything else diverts it from its usual course. What reason you have to praise God for suffering you to meet with no more interruptions. Not thankful enough for daily opportunities, common mercies are often unregarded, but this is a great fault, for the more common the mercy, the more valuable. Surely repeated acts of goodness require repeated acknowledgments and praise. When you have been for some time interrupted in your great work, and the thoughts of God have been diverted, how pleasing is it to the mind to feel the motions of his Spirit quickening you and exciting you to return, but how much more delightful is it to find a constant sense of God upon the soul, as Mr. Herbert excellently expresseth it.
Not thankful, when it pleaseth me;
As if thy blessings had spare days:
But such a heart, whose pulse may be
Thy praise!95
This, this is the temper of a good Christian, this is what you should chiefly endeavour to get and keep. Do not despair: “With God all things are possible.” 96 To whom be glory!
[41. Clues to her morning routine: a “due method” and even temper help redeem the time.]
Morn[ing]
’Tis only want of temper and recollection that disorders your affairs. If you go not into the family till 8:00, then you have till 9:00 to give orders and oversee, which time is sufficient to manage much business of that kind, if a due method be observed. Beware of vain mirth, immoderate anger, any diversion till family duties are performed, however, and walk not into the air till after——,97 for you find that it discomposes your head, and, if possible, redeem some time for preparation for family prayer.…98
[42. “Mean and contemptible” performances, yet grace and mercy continue.]
Even[ing]
Praise God for any ability to serve him and for enabling you to perform relative duties which are a great part of natural and revealed religion. The constant sense of your infirmities I know discourages you. But God will not “despise the day of small things.” 99 ’Tis his grace that makes you what you are, that keeps you to stated times of devotion, and that in any measure preserves you from total apostasy. I grant your performances are mean and contemptible and unworthy the acceptance of God. Yet still, if he utterly rejected them, he would not so often give you grace to repent and mourn over them and. enable [you] to rejoice in any little victory you get over your daily infirmities. I know you would not willingly offend; therefore rely upon the merits of your Saviour and never despair of mercy.
[43. The affections (and faith) must keep pace with knowledge: “You must know, that you may adore and love.”]
Morn[ing]
Praise God for illuminating your mind and for enabling you to prove demonstratively that his wisdom is as infinite as his power.
The use you are to make of these discoveries is to praise and love and obey; therefore be exceeding careful that your affections keep pace with your knowledge, for if you study the divine perfections as matter of mere speculation, your acquests100 of knowledge will but enhance your guilt and increase your future torment. You must know, that you may adore and love! And if you are now more rationally persuaded that God is infinitely wise, then learn by this knowledge to practice a more hearty and universal subjection to him, more cheerfully submit to the order of his providence. Submit your reason so far to your faith as not to doubt or scruple those points of faith which are mysterious to us through the weakness of our understanding, and adore the mystery you cannot comprehend. Be not too curious in prying into those secret things that are known only to God, nor too rash in censuring what you do not understand. Those methods of providence that seem to you involved and intricate perplex not yourself about, but resolve them into the infinite wisdom of God, who knoweth “the spirits of all flesh”101 and best understandeth how to govern those souls he hath created. “We are of yesterday and know nothing,” 102 but his boundless mind comprehends at one view all things, past, present and future, and as he sees all things, so he best understandeth what is good and proper for each individual with relation to both worlds.103
1. The allusion here is probably to an author. Though I have not been able to ferret out the reference, one possibility would be the Cambridge Platonist and bishop of Dromore, George Rust, to whom she refers elsewhere. See journal entry 155 and the “Religious Conference,” in part III of this volume.
2. Absence of constraint; conscious liberty.
3. She has in mind the sometimes rough country folk, the nonmethodical people living in and around Epworth.
4. My quotation marks; direct quotation of parts of Isaiah 65:S.
5. The exclamation point seems to be inserted in the middle of the sentence after the original draft.
6. Genesis 6:3; quotation marks added.
7. She may be offering her own definition of the variously interpreted, unforgivable “sin against the Holy Ghost” (Matthew 12:31, Mark 3:29, and Luke 12:10).
8. She is outlining a doctrine of synergism, the divine-human cooperation necessary for salvation.
9. Cf. 1 Kings 19:12.
10. S. W is reinforcing the importance of her own routine of meditation and journal keeping.
11. 2 Corinthians 12:9; my quotation marks.
12. In her notebook S. W. spaced these words out for emphasis; my italics.
13. Her son John was later to emphasize the “means of grace” in early Methodism, similarly interpreting them as extending beyond the church’s sacraments.
14. My ellipses replace S. W’s dash at the end of the entry.
15. S. W started with a singular subject but switched the reference in the second clause to the more familiar plural of the account in Matthew 25:1–13.
16. There is a hint here of Platonic epistemology. In our own century the scientistphilosopher Michael Polanyi has argued a theory of “tacit knowledge”: we know more than we can say.
17. Her Platonism is tempered by her reading of Locke, who contended that there are no innate ideas, only those developed by sensation and reflection.
18. Cf. Matthew 12:34–37.
19. Close paraphrase of Matthew 7:12; my quotation marks.
20. Another reference to Lockean epistemology.
21. John 13:10; direct quote except “needeth” in AV; my quotation marks.
22. Jeremiah 10:23; my quotation marks.
23. Matthew 6:34; S. W left space for the chapter and verse citation but did not fill it in. I have added quotation marks.
24. Space left blank.
25. Compare the “cardinal virtues” (prudence, temperence, fortitude, and justice) taken over from Greek philosophy by the church fathers and often combined with St. Paul’s “theological virtues” (faith, hope, and charity) in subsequent Christian moralizing.
26. 2 Corinthians 12:9; quotation marks added.
27. 2 Corinthians 1:20, paraphrased; my quotation marks.
28. That is, vouch for the conviction that God is true. John 3:33, paraphrased; my quotation marks.
29. 1 Samuel 15:22, paraphrased; my quotation marks.
30. Ecclesiastes 1:14; my quotation marks.
31. Cf. her son John’s later doctrine of “Christian Perfection.” This sentence, embarrassing to mid-nineteenth-century Methodist editors (who would have assumed that the “best men” could indeed through grace be made perfect in this life), was omitted from The Wesley Banner (1852), p. 366.
32. After “imperfections,” S. W originally wrote, then crossed out, “in their graces” before completing the sentence as it stands.
33. Cf. Revelation 8:3.
34. Last phrase omitted in Wesley Bonner, p. 366.
35. Cf. BCP, General Confession.
36. 1 Samuel 15:22, paraphrased; my quotation marks. Note previous uses of this phrase above, entries 11 and 23.
37. These initials and the blank in the next sentence indicate Susanna’s usual reluctance to name persons in her journal, especially those, like her current subject, whom she describes in less than glowing terms. See her motto, above: “be very cautious in speaking of … the innocent, the dead, and the absent.”
38. My quotation marks in place of dashes in MS.
39. Cf. BCP, Morning Prayer, General Thanksgiving.
40. Possibly John Hacket (1592–1670), bishop of Lichfield and Coventry, reputed author of Christian Consolations (1671), a work later attributed to Jeremy Taylor.
41. 1 Corinthians 5:6; my quotation marks.
42. See her entry 20 on this subject.
43. Ecclesiastes 9:10, paraphrased; my quotation marks.
44. Acts 10:38; my quotation marks.
45. The context suggests that the blank might stand for the theological treatises she was composing for her adolescent children or for her overall educational scheme.
46. I have substituted ellipses for the dash with which Susanna punctuates this final sentence.
47. This meditation, which paradoxically echoes both mysticism and Calvinism, appears to have offended the editors of the Wesley Banner, who completely omitted it. See ibid., p. 404.
48. Close paraphrase of John 21:17; my quotation marks.
49. My punctuation; MS has a dash.
50. A loose paraphrase of Hebrews 12:6–7 and/or Deuteronomy 8:5, substituting “chastiseth” for the biblical “chasteneth.”
51. Wesley Banner, p. 404, rejoins the MS here.
52. Fastidious, dainty.
53. Matthew 26:41; my quotation marks.
54. Line skipped. S. W evidently intended to insert a proof text after finishing her train of thought but never did. Ellipses added.
55. Isaiah 2:22; my quotation marks.
56. Meditation ends. Once again Susanna has failed to spell out what is obviously an important personal project.
57. Psalm 62:11, BCP; my quotation marks.
58. Are anxious, apprehensive about; dread.
59. Luke 18:1; my quotation marks.
60. Possibly a reference to a contemporary political theorist. I have not been able to trace a source.
61. Word unclear in MS; the Wesley Banner reads “impel.”
62. My quotation marks.
63. MS: “Nor I do not.”
64. My quotation marks.
65. As the meditation moves from civil and ecclesiastical government to the governing of oneself, S. W may be echoing Locke, An Essay concerning Human Understanding, ed. Peter H. Nidditch (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1975), 2.11.1–2 (pp. 155–157), 2.21.5–6 (pp. 236–237).
66. Locke, 2.21.6 (pp. 236–237), wants to discriminate in this matter.
67. Four lines to the bottom of the page are left blank.
68. BCP, catechism, final question and answer; question mark, colon, and quotation marks not in MS. Quotation marks have also been added when S. W. repeats phrases of this passage below.
69. Such scrupulosity was not uncommon among pious people; a good example nearly two centuries before was Luther’s anxiety over complete repentance before his “discovery” of grace.
70. Last clause, “and do humbly hope,” missing from Wesley Banner, p. 405. The editor may have felt that this did not reflect well on Wesley’s mother or, more likely, that it did not sound sufficiently perfectionist.
71. Hebrews 12:24; Quotation marks added.
72. My quotation marks.
73. 2 Corinthians 2:16; my quotation marks.
74. Ecclesiastes 5:5, paraphrased; my quotation marks.
75. See 2 Corinthians 12:9.
76. That is, gone before.
77. Probably some former sin, now overcome, yet still not entrusted to paper.
78. An expansion of the idea in Judges 13:23: “If the Lord were pleased to kill us, he would not have received a burnt offering … at our hands.” Quotation marks and question mark added.
79. 1 John 2:1–2 and BCP, The Communion, the “comfortable words”; quotation marks and ellipses added here and in the phrases from the same passage quoted again below.
80. Quotation marks and ellipses added.
81. S. W. paraphrases Philemon 18 and puts the Apostle’s words in Jesus’ mouth; my quotation marks.
82. This entry begins a quarter of the way down the page, which has been uncharacteristically left blank to that point.
83. Deuteronomy 33:25, paraphrased; my quotation marks.
84. Wesley Banner transcription inserts here a brief meditation from MS p. 190, out of order.
85. BCP, Communion, General Confession; my quotation marks.
86. Inadvertence is a continuing theme. See, for example, entries 15, 16, 19, 24, and 38.
87. Close paraphrase of Proverbs 4:23, adding the parenthetical explanatory words and substituting “them” for “it”; my quotation marks.
88. Psalm 19:12, BCP; my quotation marks.
89. Matthew 12:34; cf. Luke 6:45; my quotation marks.
90. Question mark added.
91. Isaiah 57:15; my quotation marks.
92. I have substituted a comma for the mid-sentence exclamation point that appears here in the MS.
93. James 1:17; my quotation marks; S. W’s exclamation point.
94. Jeremiah 17:9; quotation marks added.
95. “Gratefulness,” lines 29–32 (the concluding stanza), from The Temple, in R E. Hutchinson, ed., The Works of George Herbert (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1941), p. 124; original punctuation, from The Temple. Sacred Poems … 12th ed. (London: Jeffery Wale), 1703, p. 117, inserted (though the exclamation at the end is S. W’s).
96. Matthew 19:26 and parallels; my quotation marks.
97. Possibly indicates her morning devotional time.
98. My ellipses replace MS’s dash.
99. Zechariah 4:10, paraphrased; my quotation marks.
100. Acquisitions.
101. Numbers 16:22 and 27:16; quotation marks added.
102. Close paraphrase of Job 8:9; my quotation marks.
103. Wesley Banner concludes its transcription of MS A here.