As soon as she entered her bedroom and shut the door behind her, Kate was sorry for her reaction. Why had she blown up at Tony? He was only trying to help. But pushing the past into a closet and locking the door had taken every ounce of strength she could muster. As much as she cared for him, she couldn’t allow anyone to rattle that door. If it opened, she felt as if it would destroy her. It was the monster under the bed. The bogeyman in the closet.
She’d given up everything to come to Shelter Cove. Her past, her life, her very identity. When she’d arrived in the small town, she was lost in a dark abyss of pain and grief.
She pulled up one of her long sleeves and pushed back the silver bracelet she always wore. It had belonged to Kelly. Kate stared at the scars on her wrists. It seemed like such a long time ago. Somehow she’d survived. Little by little, she’d started to heal, but only by shutting the past away where it couldn’t touch her anymore. In the end, moving to Shelter Cove had saved her. The deaths of her parents, Kelly’s murder, the attack by Alan Gerard—they all existed in St. Louis. Not here. Not in this town. Why couldn’t Tony understand that? He was probably disappointed in her. He’d told her several times during the trials that he admired her strength. But she wasn’t strong. Not then, not now.
She stared at the doorknob, wanting to turn it. Wanting to go back out there and apologize, but she couldn’t. She listened for the front door to open and close, letting her know Tony was gone, but she didn’t hear anything. Was he still out there? What should she do? She waited for what seemed like an eternity but according to her watch was a little over fifteen minutes. Finally, she took a deep breath and got up from the bed. She slowly opened the door and made her way back toward the dining room. Tony was still there, just finishing up his meal.
“I helped myself to seconds,” he said. “I hope that’s all right.”
Kate put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “You don’t know how to take a hint, do you?”
Tony gave her a sideways grin, and her anger lessened.
“I really don’t,” he said. “It’s one of my weaknesses.” He pointed at her chair. “My job is to protect you, and that’s what I intend to do. Even if I have to protect you from yourself.”
Kate felt a cold hand of fear grasp her heart. He wasn’t going to leave this alone, was he?
“Look,” he said, obviously noticing her distress, “let me talk for”—he glanced at his watch—“ten minutes. That’s it. Then I’ll shut up. About the past. About all of it. After that we’ll only talk about what’s in front of us. The upcoming trial and how to prepare for it. Can you at least give me ten minutes? After all, I saved your life.”
“I can’t believe you’re holding that over my head.”
Tony chuckled. “Hey, I’m not above using anything that will give me a chance to make you listen to reason.” His smile slipped some and she could see the seriousness behind his attempt to lighten the tension between them. “Please, Kate. Just ten minutes.”
She sighed and sat back down at the table, picking at her food, which was cold now. Before she could react, Tony reached over and grabbed her plate.
“Let me heat that up for you,” he said. “Then we’ll talk.”
Kate frowned at him. “You didn’t say I had to talk. You said all I had to do was listen.”
“Fine. But if you feel like talking, you can. Let’s leave it at that, okay?”
Without saying another word, he left the dining room. As Kate sat there, it felt like the butterflies in her stomach had turned into frightened birds chased by a deadly predator. But it was stupid to be afraid of whatever it was Tony wanted to say. They were just words. She didn’t have to agree with them. She didn’t have to even take them in. So why did she feel almost frozen by fear? As if Alan Gerard stood over her again, his leering smile mocking her pain. For just a moment, she considered making Tony leave. Shutting this down before it went any further. Yet it bothered her that she was so terrified. If she really had a handle on the past, why did she feel like this? There was a part of her that wanted to face the demon. At the same time, a different voice whispered warnings to her. Telling her she couldn’t allow herself to become vulnerable. That she had to protect herself and her sanity at all costs. She shook her head in confusion. What was wrong with her? She felt as if it had been only a few days since Kelly died. Not six years.
“Here you go.” Tony came over and put her plate in front of her. She realized she hadn’t told him not to put her mother’s dishes in the microwave, but when she touched the plate, it was obvious he hadn’t. It surprised her that a man would take the time to figure out how to protect good china. Tony was always surprising her. During both of Gerard’s trials, it was as if he could climb inside her head. Whenever she needed encouragement, he picked up on it, knew just what to say. He was different from any man she’d ever met. Not that she had a lot of experience with men. Then . . . or now.
As he stood next to her, she could smell his cologne. It was the same scent he’d worn back then. Somehow the memory of it had stayed with her all these years. There had been times she was certain he was near because she’d gotten a whiff of that cologne. But it was just her imagination. Until now. He was really here, and for some reason all she wanted to do was push him away. It didn’t make sense.
“Thank you,” she said quietly. She waited until he sat down again. “You don’t mind if I eat while you talk?”
“No. In fact, I think keeping your mouth full might be a good idea.”
Kate felt her face grow hot. “Look, Tony. You grew up in a perfect family. Your parents love you, and you’ve got brothers and sisters coming out of your ears. My folks died in an accident when I was six, and my sister was murdered in front of me. Do you really think you can relate to me?”
She was shocked to see tears spring to Tony’s eyes. She’d never seen him get emotional—over anything. Even when he’d shot that guard, he seemed to take it rather nonchalantly. When she’d asked him if he was all right, he’d said, “I don’t want to shoot anyone, but when you’re in law enforcement you have to be prepared to do whatever it takes. I was just doing my job.” That seemed to explain everything. At the time she’d wondered if he’d suffered more than he let on, but since he never mentioned it again, she’d assumed he was all right.
“Kate, everyone has pain. Even if you can’t see the scars, no one gets through life unscathed.”
“I know that,” she snapped. “But I dealt with what happened after I moved here. You weren’t here. You don’t know what I went through, and you have no right to judge me. It’s been four years, Tony, and I’m doing fine. Really.”
Tony sighed. “If you weren’t hurting, you wouldn’t react every time I say something that touches a sore spot.” He paused and peered deeply into her eyes. “You know it’s true. You’re wondering right now why you felt so defensive about what I said.”
Kate was startled by his words. Once again, it was as if he were psychic, reading her mind. She didn’t say anything, just took a bite of manicotti. Even though she knew it was good, at that moment it tasted like cardboard in her mouth.
Tony took a long drink of his lemonade and then put the glass down on the table. “Look, it’s true. I grew up in an awesome family. My mother and father are my greatest supporters. They made sure all of us kids went to church, and all of my brothers and sisters are Christians. But we’ve had our share of trials. One of my sisters had a miscarriage, and my dad had a cancer scare. Thank God he’s in remission. Has been for ten years. There have been other things—nieces and nephews in trouble—one nephew was in a terrible accident, but thankfully he recovered.”
“None of that comes close to what I’ve been through,” Kate said. “Except for your sister. I can’t imagine losing a child.”
“Yes, you can,” Tony said. “It’s like losing a sister. Except we never got to see what Angela—that was her name—would have been. She never got the chance to accomplish anything in this life. Kelly did. You’re fortunate to know that she was a remarkable young lady, and that she’s in heaven, waiting for you.”
“Angela’s in heaven, too.”
Tony smiled. “I know. My sister reminds herself of that all the time.”
Kate put down her fork and leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms. “Your ten minutes starts now. I’m listening.”
Although she intended to hear Tony out, she really wanted to run away. Or tell him to leave. She’d lived with fear for a long time, and until Alan Gerard was released, she’d felt she’d conquered it. But sitting here in her own dining room, with a man she liked and trusted, she was hit with a wave of apprehension that rivaled her worst nightmares.