Tony cleared his throat and then took a deep breath. As he slowly exhaled, Kate could see the uneasiness on his face. Whatever he was going to tell her was difficult for him. That was obvious. She had a strange urge to tell him to forget it. To keep his personal demons to himself. But that was selfish. Tony had been there for her when she needed him. The least she could do was listen to him now.
“Just now, when I told you about my family, I left someone out. My brother Jeremy. He was a great kid. Two years younger than me. Followed me everywhere. Looked up to me. Tried to be like me. Sometimes he got on my nerves. Probably the same thing all big brothers go through.”
Kate noticed he’d used the word was. She sat up straighter in her chair, dreading the rest of his story. Even though she’d been angry at Tony for pushing her, she didn’t want to see him in pain. She noticed that he’d turned pale, and she tried to brace herself for what was ahead.
“In a large family, you have to work to get attention,” he continued. “Eventually Jeremy quit trying. His grades dropped, and he started spending a lot of time alone. In high school, I played football. Dated the head cheerleader. Little by little, Jeremy got lost in the shuffle. I noticed something was wrong, and I tried several times to reach out to him. My parents were worried about him, too. Took him to a therapist. Tried to help him. He kept telling everyone he was okay. But when he was thirteen . . .”
Kate wanted to find a way to keep the next words from coming out of Tony’s mouth. Apprehension skittered through her. The scars on her wrists began to itch like crazy, and she had to bite her lower lip to keep from scratching them.
He gulped a couple of times and began again. “When he was thirteen, he killed himself. My mother found him hanging in his closet.” He blinked back the tears in his eyes. “We found out later that a neighbor we’d trusted had been molesting him.” Tony locked eyes with Kate. “If he’d told someone—faced what was happening—he’d be alive today. Instead, he buried it. I guess he thought ignoring the damage inside would keep it under control. It’s the same thing you’re doing, Kate, and I don’t want to watch you self-destruct the way Jeremy did.”
Tony got up and crossed over to where Kate sat. Before she could move, he grabbed her arm. “I know what these scars mean, Kate. I have no intention of standing by while someone else I care about drifts away.”
Kate felt as if she’d stopped breathing, and she realized tears were flowing down her cheeks.
Tony let go of her arm and sat down in the chair next to her. “When Jeremy died, it felt as if part of me died with him. I blamed myself. If only I’d paid more attention to him. If only I’d helped him when he needed it.” Faint furrows of concentration wrinkled his forehead. “For the first time in my life, I realized why people take their own lives. When depression overtakes them, they’re not thinking about anyone else. Not because they don’t want to. It’s because they can’t. The pain is so powerful, it encompasses everything. And in that moment, making it stop is something you have to do because you can’t find a way to bear it anymore. I don’t judge anyone who makes that terrible choice. I’ve felt the draw of it. Honestly, it’s like realizing you’re on fire and you have to put it out yourself because no one else can. The only way I got through it was one step at a time.”
“One breath at a time,” Kate whispered.
“What?”
“One breath at a time.” Kate ran her hand through her short hair. “After Kelly died, I remember thinking people didn’t take their own lives because they couldn’t face the next day. It was because they couldn’t face their next breath.” She shook her head. “When I first got here, I felt so alone. Kelly was gone. Being a twin is . . . different. It’s like you’re two parts of a whole. Half of me was gone and the other half was dying. I was stranded in a strange place by myself without a friend. Without anywhere to go for help. It was terrifying. One night it just seemed too much. I grabbed a sharp knife and . . . Well, you can see the results.” She pulled up both sleeves so he could see the twin scars. She couldn’t help but feel exposed in front of him. Almost naked. With great effort, she forced herself to continue. “Thankfully, I didn’t cut deeply enough. When my wounds healed, I promised myself I’d never do anything like that again.” She sighed so deeply it felt as if it came from the deepest part of her soul. “You know, a few days before I did this, I heard a soldier talk about suicide on TV. He compared killing yourself to being a suicide bomber. Once the bomb goes off, it leaves an empty spot where the bomber stood. An almost perfect circle. But what lies beyond that circle is devastation. Death, carnage, bodies blown apart.” As she looked at Tony, her eyes felt hot with the tears she tried to blink away. “He said suicide doesn’t just destroy you—it demolishes those around you. Those who love you.” She nodded her head. “His explanation made perfect sense. One death affects so many other people. The people in your life are horribly injured—possibly forever. His intent was to make people think about the damage they could cause by their actions. But when I heard him say these things, all I could think was . . . there’s no one in my life who would miss me. Who would be injured by my death. That realization was the final straw.”
Tony’s eyes sought hers, and she knew he understood.
“At some point, if you really know God, you realize there’s a way out,” he said. “A way to live again. He’ll walk you through it if you let Him. I had to give everything to Him after Jeremy died. Everything. I couldn’t handle life on my own. And He was faithful.”
“I believe that,” Kate said emphatically. “I prayed. Turned it over to God. I’m doing okay now. I really am.” She hated the sound of desperation that pierced through her words.
“I know you believe that, but deliverance isn’t denial, Kate. And it isn’t delusion. God wants to heal you, but you have to be honest with Him . . . and with yourself.”
Tony sighed and gazed into her eyes. “Maybe I’m wrong, but to me it sounds like you’re hiding in your house. And in the café. And why do you wear your sister’s bracelet? Are you trying to remind yourself of her death?”
“No,” Kate snapped. “I wear it to be closer to her.”
“It’s just a piece of jewelry. It isn’t Kelly. You might think you’re wearing it to honor her, and someday you might be able to do that. But right now? I’m afraid it’s just a reminder that you lived and she died. And it makes you feel guilty.”
“So what if you’re right?” Kate asked, her voice quivering. “What do you want me to do? If I have a breakdown, will that satisfy you?”
Tony leaned forward until his face was only inches from hers. “Of course not. But you’ve got to face the pain, Kate. The fear. The loss. No matter how hard it is.”
Kate wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. “I . . . I can’t, Tony. I can’t. I tried. It was like dying, like I was drowning in deep water and couldn’t fight my way back to the surface. This is the only way I can make it. I know it. You’ve got to leave me alone. If you don’t . . .”
“If I don’t, you’ll go on like this until the day comes when your mind can’t protect you any longer. And when that happens, it will be worse than you can imagine, and I’m afraid you won’t have anywhere else to hide. You might not escape next time.”
Kate forcefully blew out a breath of air. “I’m not turning into one of those people who lives the rest of their lives as a victim. I can’t stand being around people like that.”
“I understand that. I’m not talking about people who find their identity in their problems. I want to see you free to be the person you were always meant to be.”
“I’m not trying to hang on to my pain. I’m really not.”
He reached over and took her hand. His grip was warm and reassuring. “I believe you. But you’ve got to grieve, Kate. To honestly grieve. Even if it scares the heck out of you. And you’ve got to forgive yourself for . . . surviving. It will be hard, but I know you can do it.”
Kate shook her head. “After Kelly died, everything was about making sure Gerard was punished. I spent hours and hours with the police, the D.A. and his people. Going over what happened. Identifying Gerard. Rehearsing my testimony. And then came the trial. And then the second trial.” She stared at Tony for a moment. “There wasn’t any time to even think about what I’d lost. How I felt. My whole life was about finding justice for my sister. I know you thought I was strong, Tony. Determined. But I was just focused. When I got to Shelter Cove, I had to concentrate on blending in. Finding a new life. When the grief started to come, I . . . I couldn’t accept it. I’m sure what I did . . . what I tried to do . . . happened because I didn’t know how to deal with those feelings by myself. Facing it alone almost killed me, but I made a choice to live. I’ll never hurt myself again. I’m certain of that.”
Tony let go of Kate’s hand and leaned back in his chair. “After Jeremy died, I did the same thing. Pushed my pain and confusion into a dark place and tried to ignore it. My family needed me, and I wanted to be strong for them. And then one day the past came flooding in. And when my emotions surfaced, they exploded with a vengeance. Thankfully, I had another brother who recognized what was happening. Vinny got me to someone who could help me. The therapist helped me to see that acknowledging the damage in my soul wasn’t weakness. It was strength. Strength faces the truth, Kate. And seeks real healing. It doesn’t run from it.”
Although she could understand what he meant, Kate felt the bars around her bruised psyche go up, protecting her from facing the shadows that whispered her name.
“I . . . I’m sorry about Jeremy,” she said softly. “And I appreciate what you’re saying, but . . . I need time to think. Please. I’ve listened. Now give me time to process everything.”
“Fair enough.” He got up and went back to his original chair across the table. Then picked up his glass and drained it.
“Can I get you some more?” Kate asked, trying to keep her voice steady.
“Thanks. I’m fine.”
The look of concern on his face made Kate’s pulse pound. “I need to pack and make arrangements for someone to cover the café,” she said. “When are we leaving for St. Louis?”
“Not right away. There’s been . . . a development.”
“I don’t understand. What kind of development?”
Tony drummed his fingers on the table for a few seconds. Kate could tell he was upset about something.
“The D.A. doesn’t have all his ducks in a row. He wants us to wait a bit. If we go now, you’ll just have to cool your heels in a hotel room for a while. Wouldn’t you rather wait here?”
“Yeah, I would.” She frowned at him. “Everything’s all right, isn’t it?”
He stood up. “Everything’s fine. Don’t worry.” He looked at his watch. “It’s getting late, and we need to get some sleep. We’ll talk more tomorrow. You still haven’t told me how you got involved with the café, and I’d really like to hear about it.” He hesitated for a moment. Then he turned his head to stare at her. As she met his eyes, her breath caught in her throat.
“I would be injured, Kate,” he said, his voice low and soft. “If anything happened to you, I would be injured.”
It took her a moment to understand what he meant. Then she nodded and watched him leave. She sat still and listened to his car start and then drive away. Part of her wanted to run after him, beg him to come back. But another voice in her head warned her that Tony DeLuca was dangerous. If she got too close, there was a good chance she’d slip back into the darkness. But this time she might pull Tony in with her.