August 4 – Dear Blessed Mother, Didn’t you hear my prayers in the back of the truck? I went through the whole day thinking I had gotten away with it!
When Daddy got home after Mass that Sunday, he said, as he was taking off his tie, “It’s a good thing you’re not in the Navy. You’d be keelhauled.” He kept asking where Madcap was. I had the feeling she was in trouble. Did Daddy find out we hitchhiked?
Usually no one really cares where Madcap is. She gets away with it because there are so many of us, and because she’s daring. Most of the time, she’s part of the wallpaper. She comes in, and she goes out. But today, there was something in the air.
At supper, just in case, I kept my head down and set the table, making sure I remembered all the stuff Daddy likes around his throne at the head of the table: his coffee cup, cream and sugar, his special knife, Tabasco sauce. His martini, which was in his hand. My mouth was already watering; we were having spaghetti, my favorite meal. I could see the steaming pasta in the colander in the sink. The smell of bubbling tomato sauce permeated the kitchen. Garlic bread sizzled in the oven.
“All hands on deck!” Daddy called. He had that urgent, commanding sound in his voice, which usually resulted in a general hup-to; no one wanted to be the one, the straggler he might single out at times like this.
“Man the rails,” he said and we all knew that meant we had to go to our place at the table and stand behind our chair at attention. Like we really were on a ship in the Navy. Sometimes this was fun; we’d puff out our chests and look sideways without moving our heads and pretend we’d just gotten back from the barber and all of us had buzz cuts and sailor hats. The last time he had us do this, it was when everybody was afraid of the atom bomb from Cuba.
Tonight, I thought Daddy was going to tell all of us what Clara was really doing up there in Ventura with the Sisters of Saint Isabella. After all, Clara was like the Blessed Mother: far from home in her time of need, pregnant and without a proper husband. But no.
“Annie and Margaret, come up here,” he ordered us in a clipped voice. Everyone quieted down as Margaret and I shuffled closer to Daddy. It’s amazing how just a little hint of menace can get the room so quiet you could drop a pin and it would sound like an orchestra. You have to stop breathing when Daddy means business like this. You have to watch his face and pay serious attention. Otherwise, it could be you on the wrong end of a paddleboard.
I tried to shrink in size. Most of the time it’s as if no one really sees me—or cares whether or not I’m in the room. I’m a number and I have a place. You try all the time to get noticed, but when Daddy’s voice sounds like this, there is nowhere to hide.
“Yesterday,” he began, and my stomach sank to the depths. His voice for sure had that sound to it. “Margaret and Annie left home with a stranger and took a ride in his truck all the way up the coast to Ventura.”
“He wasn’t a stranger!” Margaret cried out.
“Without permission,” Daddy said, cutting her off.
I stood to the left side of Daddy, and Madcap stood to the right. She was doing something with her eyes, squinting them, and her face wasn’t scared. She had a look on it like she was angry. I put my head down, looking at my bare feet, which were sunburned.
“Do you know what happens to girls who hitch-hike?” Daddy barked at Madcap.
We were going to get it.
It was a familiar moment. You know you’re going to get a beating, but it hasn’t started yet. You have to wait for it, but you really wish it was over. Or, you just hope it doesn’t go on too long. Maybe he’ll hit you just once for show. So everyone will know. An example. I usually pray for that, while I’m sweating it out. It’s never worked. This is where the Blessed Mother and Jesus could improve their act; it’s definitely a weak spot. Maybe they have a policy: “Do not respond to panic prayers.”
“Margaret, who is the older sister of the two here,” Daddy said, gesturing, “didn’t tell Mother where they were going. Instead, she and Annie hitchhiked in a truck with a stranger.”
“He wasn’t a stranger!”
“For hundreds of miles.” When he added it all up like that, it sounded bad. But he was making it all Madcap’s fault. I felt sorry for her. My bosom buddy, close pal, and life-long friend. On the other hand, maybe I was off the hook.
But Madcap was going to get it. It was so quiet. When Daddy took a breath, I could hear the arm of the Baby Ben on the mantle moving from one second to the next.
“Then, after disrupting Clara’s holy retreat,” Daddy continued, “the three of them ran away—again—without telling the nuns where they were going. These things are very, very serious. Even dangerous,” he said, shifting his weight on his feet.
“Do you hear me?” he asked rhetorically.
“We hear you,” John-the-Blimp offered. Everybody immediately mimicked him.
“We hear you.”
“We hear you.”
“It is forbidden to leave this home without telling anyone where you are!” Daddy was working himself up even more. “Do you understand that?” Nodding all around. Sheep. We were all sheep, especially when Daddy got like this. “For your own safety, never get into a vehicle with a stranger. Do you understand? Never.” Buddy and Dominic mouthed the word, “Never.” Daddy’s manner softened ever so slightly. He waited.
“Never…”
“Never.” Jeannie and Bartholomew piped up, and then everyone decided it was a good idea to say “Never.”
When the group died down, Daddy took his cue, lowering his voice for effect, “But the worst part of it was—Margaret put her soul in danger and led her younger sister Annie down the path with her.”
I myself wasn’t worried about my soul. All I did was pray to the Blessed Mother on the way back. But it was the worst thing Daddy could accuse Madcap of doing. Putting her soul in danger.
Jude started kicking his feet in his high chair where he was still waiting for his dinner.
“Eat, eat!” he said, laughing and kicking and looking around the table, trying to catch the glance of any one of us. The twins nervously giggled. No one else moved.
“Pipe down!” Daddy bellowed. Mother leaned over to Jude, touching his small hands.
“Shhh, shh,” she said gently.
I waited. The story wasn’t over. There was this big part about Clara being pregnant. I was wondering how he was going to handle that one. And besides, the heat was really hot on Madcap, and I felt sorry for her. Even though Clara was the obvious sinner.
“Put your hand out, Annie,” he ordered me. Me? I was just going along! Then he unbuckled his belt in front of everyone and pulled it out of the loops.
My cheeks burned a bright red. I started shaking right away. My chest was going up and down and I couldn’t hide how hard I was breathing.
At least he wasn’t going to make me pull my pants down in front of everyone.
“Never leave the house without permission. Never get into a vehicle with a stranger,” he repeated. The sound of the silverware against the plastic plates and his china coffee cup pierced the silence as he started to push all the dishes and silverware away from his place. So he wouldn’t hit them with the belt. “Even if your older sister tells you it’s okay, it is forbidden.”
“Now, hold your hand out in front of me.” There was a collective sucking in of breath around the table where everyone was standing at attention as Daddy wrapped the belt around his hand. I stretched my hand out, palm up, like he told me to do. Maybe if I were obedient, he would go easy on me. He lifted his arm up over his head and slapped the belt down on my hand like I was a horsehide.
“Owwwwwwww!” I said, pulling my hand away. “Owwwwwwww!” My eyes started to water from the sting. I started jumping around on my toes.
“Even if it wasn’t your idea, it was wrong to hitchhike. It was wrong to leave the house and not tell your mother where you were going. I’m going to give you something to think about. Bring your hand back there.” I kept thinking: I just have to bear it until he stops. But I couldn’t put my hand out; I backed away from him.
“Get over here and put your hand down on the table!” He grabbed my hand and laid it down, palm up on the table. Then he lifted his arm and let another one down. Whack!
“Two!” he said.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Owwwwwh!” I had to cry out. I caught a glimpse of Rosie at the end of the table next to Mother. Her saucer eyes were frozen in terror, and her mouth was wide open. Mother got up and went into the kitchen. My neck started to get hot.
“Put your hand back there,” he commanded me.
“No!” I said, backing away. “It hurts!” He grabbed my hand again and laid it down on the table.
“Of course it hurts! I’m doing this for your own good. So you won’t forget!”
“Three!” he yelled and everyone winced as the belt came down. “Don’t you ever leave the premises without first getting permission, do you understand me?” I burst into tears at the sharp pain radiating on my fingers and palm.
“Yes!” I said. Just don’t hit me again, please. “Yes, I understand!” I couldn’t hide the panic in my voice.
“Put your hand back there,” he said. “And leave it there!”
Everyone standing around the table began to shift in their places. The twins were crying and rocking. Jude stared, perfectly still. Rosie slipped her thumb into her mouth and started sucking. Buddy put his head down on the table and covered his ears.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I said, “I won’t do it again, I promise!” I held my hand limply in front of me. He motioned me to put it back on the table.
“Put it there!” he yelled at me. My hand felt like it was about to fall off, and I couldn’t stop crying. Madcap was just a blur across from me.
“I said I was sorry! Daddy, please!” I pulled my hand away and the belt hit the table. I fell to my knees, sobbing.
“Mother!” I cried. “Mother! Help me!” The door to the pantry pushed open and Mother appeared in the dining room. Behind her, the door swung on its axis. She stood at the other end of the table with her arms crossed.
“That’s enough, Martin,” she said. “I think she’s learned her lesson.”
But it wasn’t enough for Daddy. He had to teach Madcap a lesson, too. He turned to her.
“Can I be excused?” John-the-Blimp dared to ask. Meekly. Daddy snapped his head back towards the table.
“You will stand at attention until you are excused. Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir!”
“Put your hand here on the table in front of me,” he said to Madcap, his face getting redder. I looked up from my crouch on the floor in front of Daddy. Madcap was shaking her head. She pushed Daddy aside and stepped around me.
And she turned and walked out the door, slamming it behind her.