Changing the Channel
Problems can’t be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.
—Albert Einstein
Changing the Channel is a way for kids to change their thoughts from negative to positive. Using the example of a television set, anxious kids can learn how to change their thinking quickly and effectively.
Use When:
• Children are stuck in a negative place
• They aren’t thinking rationally
• Talking doesn’t seem to help
Why the Tool Works:
1. The anxious mind gets stuck.
Anxious kids get thoughts and ideas stuck in their mind. It may be a worry they can’t seem to get past or an idea they can’t seem to get over, but regardless, anxious kids have a hard time moving on. This is partly due to anxiety surges and partly due to their emotional intensity. Anxious kids feel things deeply and intensely, and to expect them to regroup on their own is often too much to ask. Their fears are so big that they overtake their minds and everything else gets put on the back burner. Eleven-year-old Daniel became consumed with his sister getting a computer and him not getting one. He just wouldn’t let it go and kept bringing it up every opportunity he had. His parents used Changing the Channel to get him to focus on playing his drum set, something he enjoyed much more than playing on the computer, and he was able to move on.
Being stuck is also why you hear kids say “I don’t care” when you threaten to take something away. Their emotional energy is so big that in that moment, it doesn’t matter if they have no privileges at all. They are stuck in a negative emotional state that trumps everything else. That’s why Changing the Channel works so well. It allows kids the space to get unstuck.
2. It removes blame and punishment (for the time being).
Consequences can get out of hand. When children are stuck in a negative place, parents are desperate to find something to get them out of it. If taking away dessert doesn’t work, then you take away tomorrow’s play date, and before long, you’ve taken away a week’s worth of privileges only to realize you’ve gone overboard and give it all back again. It’s important to remember that the only point to giving consequences is so children will do something different the next time. If a child comes out of time-out making the same choice that got him in it, the time-out was ineffective. That’s why punishing kids while they’re emotionally spinning doesn’t work. When they’re angry, they’re irrational and don’t have the capacity to see their wrong actions, so they don’t learn anything from consequences. Changing the Channel delays consequences long enough for kids to gain perspective. It doesn’t mean kids won’t receive a consequence; it just means you’ll address the incident when your child is calm enough to process their actions, and you’re calm enough to give appropriate consequences.
3. It gives kids a chance to regroup.
Kids say and do things they don’t mean. When they get upset, they dig themselves into holes they can’t figure out how to get out of. They say they hate you, hate themselves, and that they wish they were never born. They hit, kick, and destroy things, only to feel terrible about it later and apologize. Changing the Channel is a great way to throw a rope and rescue kids before they get in too deep. When the tool works effectively, kids will grab the rope and allow themselves to be pulled out of a negative place. They’ll let things go, make a good choice, and turn things around. The negative cycle will be broken, and anxious kids will be on stable ground again.
How to Implement:
Step 1: Change the focus.
Just as you’d change the channel on a television set, you can change the thought process for your child. If you are able to take your child in a different direction, you will see your child shift from negative emotions to positive emotions or, at the very least, neutral emotions. There are several ways to do this:
• Random Statements—When your child is emotionally spinning, you can say, “Guess who I saw today?” This will throw your child off track long enough to wonder who you saw. The space of wondering creates an emotional release for your child.
• Common Interests—“I wonder who the Cardinals are playing tonight?” is a statement that will cause your child to stop and think, thus removing the focus from what he was upset about.
• Exciting News—If you have something exciting to tell your child, wait until they need a good boost to deliver it. If you just firmed up your vacation plans to Florida, tell your child at a time when they need something else to focus on.
Step 2: Try to get them on board.
Sometimes just changing the direction of the conversation works. Other times, you’ll have to dig for some interest. If kids are really stuck, they may not bite, and if that’s the case, move on to something else. Say “I thought you would be interested in the Cardinals game tonight. I guess not” and move on. Don’t just move on to another topic, but move on emotionally. Emotionally detach from your child’s intense emotions while he’s in a negative state. If you go to the level of where your child is, you will only make the situation worse.
Another approach is to explain Changing the Channel to your child and encourage him to use the tool on his own. For example, when your child is upset, you can say, “I see you’re angry. How about Changing the Channel?” This acknowledges your child’s feelings and gives him an idea of what will help him through it. If he’s still in a rational place, he’ll be able to change the direction of his emotions and move on to something else.
Step 3: Address the incident later.
If your child’s actions warrant a punishment, come back and address the issue later. Once both you and your child have calmed down, say, “What you did today was not okay.” You don’t need to ask your child why he acted in such a way (as this only promotes lying) but instead, ask what he could have done differently. If a punishment is necessary, go ahead and give it now. Make sure you’ve come up with an appropriate consequence and that you’re not still upset about the event. If possible, try to make the punishment fit the crime. For example, if your child broke something, he needs to use his allowance to pay for it, or if he said mean things to his sibling, he needs to do something nice for her. For this last step, timing is everything. Make sure your child has enough time to regain composure but not so long he’s forgotten what happened. A general rule of thumb is to discuss consequences during the same day the actions were committed. If you wait until the next day, the child may have forgotten what happened.
What You Will Find:
Kids need help getting out of a negative place. Telling them things like “Try taking three deep breaths” and “You should be grateful we’re even going to the mall” while they’re upset is not helpful. When kids are upset, they’re not thinking rationally, and these kinds of comments only make things worse. Instead, change the conversation to something outside of the emotional event. This provides just enough space for kids to breathe and collect themselves. They may come back to the distressing event, but this time they will have less emotional intensity. They’ll be able to think more rationally or realize they aren’t really that upset after all. The longer kids sit in negative emotions, the harder it is for them to move on, but when you break up the emotional cycle, things will settle down much more quickly.