Structuring the Unstructured
Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night.
—Anonymous
Structuring the Unstructured puts boundaries around unstructured time so kids don’t become more worried. It is a great tool to use during breaks from school, weekends, or after-school times.
Use When:
• Children don’t adjust well to change
• They like structure and routine
• They are in a period of downtime
Why the Tool Works:
1. The anxious mind likes routine.
Day after day, anxious kids do the same thing. They get up at a certain time, eat a certain kind of cereal, get dropped off at school, learn the same subjects in the same order, then get picked up at the same time, eat dinner, brush their teeth, and go to bed, only to do it all over again. Then summer hits…and everything changes. Then suddenly, there are no set bedtimes or wake-up times. Instead of a busy school day, there are hours of unstructured time, and anxious kids become flooded by thoughts: What am I going to do today? What should I do today? What’s happening next? When will I see my friends? Will I even have any friends when school starts back again? These thoughts occur not only once school lets out, but also often weeks, even months, before school ends. They also occur during fall and winter breaks from school and at the end of a school day when there are no activities planned.
2. Structure helps ease the anxious mind.
When anxious kids have structure, their minds relax. Instead of wondering what’s going to happen next, they know what’s going to happen next. Instead of wondering what to do, who to play with, or how to spend their day, they can relax into a schedule that’s already made out for them. For 180 days each year, kids get this type of structure. That’s why breaks from school are so hard. The abrupt change in structured vs. unstructured time is too drastic, and instead of adjusting slowly, anxious kids panic. Structure also helps the weekends and after-school times go more smoothly. Because anxious kids do better with structure, having a schedule in place allows them to know what’s coming. They will know what activities lay ahead and will be able to settle into a routine more smoothly.
3. Kids need a balance between structured and unstructured time.
When kids become too structured, there is no room for creativity and play. When they become too unstructured, they become out of control and anxious. The key is balancing the two. By including unstructured time within the structure of a day, kids can experience the benefits of unstructured time without the anxiety of worrying about how long it’s going to last. Within an eight-hour day, kids can have an hour or two of unstructured time. This allows them time for creativity and play, while they can also relax in knowing the unstructured time will have an ending. Having small amounts of unstructured time still allows kids to foster creativity and independence, but they do not become anxious and overwhelmed. Once anxious kids get used to having unstructured time, the time slots can be extended to several hours or even a full day.
How to Implement:
Step 1: Make a schedule ahead of time.
Using a large calendar that has enough space to write a number of activities within each day, begin scheduling unstructured time. You can buy a large white calendar or make your own, but the point here is to: (1) have enough room for activities to be written, and (2) make it visible enough for your kids to see it at any given time. For example, if you are scheduling the summer, begin your calendar with the last day of school and schedule until the day before school starts the next year. Start by blocking out vacations, sleepaway camps, day camps, time with grandparents, etc., then fill in the holes. On the days your child is at camp, you won’t have to structure the evenings as much, as he’ll likely be worn out. On the days where he’s not, schedule play dates, picnics, bike rides, etc. You can either schedule half-day activities or full-day activities. The in-between activities are where the unstructured time comes in.
Step 2: Ask for your child’s input.
You may have ideas for your child’s summer, and he may have ideas of his own. The important part is to give anxious kids a sense of what is going to happen. If you are sending your child to sleepaway camp and you don’t plan on telling him until a week before, you’re going to have some problems making your calendar. It’s better to give anxious kids an idea of what to expect. That way, if there is a part of the summer your anxious child is dreading, you can put the things he really enjoys on both sides of the event. You can put his favorite summer camp right before he starts the dreaded swim team and a family vacation right after. When he looks at the calendar, he will be able to see the whole picture rather than just worrying about the one part of the summer he is dreading.
Step 3: Stick to the schedule.
When in doubt, stick to the schedule. If your child does/does not want to do an activity and you end up making last-minute adjustments, you will give your child the sense that the schedule can’t be trusted. Even if it’s something exciting, changing the schedule can cause chaos, unless there is an empty spot where the new activity can easily fit. Especially if the event is something your child is dreading, changing the schedule to reduce anxiety only exacerbates it at a later date. The easiest way to handle these situations is: If you’ve already made plans, stick to them. Even if you schedule something your child doesn’t like, stick with the plan anyway. Help your child get through the anxiety-producing event without letting him out of it completely.
What You Will Find:
Kids will handle unstructured time much better if there is a schedule in place. When kids know what to expect, unstructured time doesn’t feel so overwhelming. If they know they are going on a picnic at 12:00, what happens before and after 12:00 is not as important to them. Until 12:00 they can play independently and enjoy the morning, knowing the unstructured time will end soon. After the picnic, they’ll be more tired than they were in the morning and can settle into unstructured time much easier. Over time, anxious kids will get more comfortable with unstructured time. They’ll not only get used to it, but will also learn to enjoy the time they have to be creative, independent, and free from activities. Many anxious kids actually end up craving unstructured time. They will go from despising it to wanting more of it, because once they settle in, they realize it can actually be a lot of fun.