Feelings Check-In
Knowledge is being aware that fire can burn; wisdom is remembering the blister.
—Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy
Feelings Check-In is a set time everyday where both you and your child choose three feelings to discuss. This tool raises emotional intelligence, as well as the connection with your child.
Use When:
• Children lack emotional awareness
• They avoid talking about their feelings
• They enjoy one-on-one time with parents
Why the Tool Works:
1. Emotional awareness can be taught.
Some kids aren’t good at talking about their feelings. When you ask them how they feel, they say, “I don’t know.” If you ask them why they hit their sister, they say, “She hit me first!” I was working with an eight-year-old boy recently who had a habit of saying “I don’t know” every time I asked a question. After his third or fourth “I don’t know,” I said, “What if you did know?” He thought for a second and said, “I guess I was scared.” We then were able to begin a conversation about why the situation was scary and what he could have done to help himself feel better. If I had just let him stick with the “I don’t know,” we wouldn’t have gotten to his feeling and never would have been able to address the issue. Many kids say “I don’t know” because they really don’t know why they are afraid, frustrated, sad, etc. Other kids just don’t want to talk about it. Regardless, you can help kids learn to identify their feelings and express them in appropriate ways.
2. Talking about feelings helps kids understand themselves.
Saying things out loud can be extremely helpful. It’s not just because the person listening can understand us better, it’s because saying things out loud helps us understand ourselves better. This goes the same for kids. Anxious thoughts are swirling in their minds, and when they are able to express them verbally, they gain perspective. Identifying how they feel and being able to voice it helps kids figure out their own problems. “That makes sense,” one child said to me recently. “I got scared at the last sleepover. No wonder I have been feeling nervous this week.” This kind of awareness is extremely valuable in that the more kids know and understand themselves, the more they will be able to manage their own anxiety.
3. Modeling emotions helps kids learn it’s okay to talk about their feelings.
The fact that parents have to eat, sleep, and have emotions is shocking to kids. Nonetheless, this is important for kids to understand. The fact that you get angry, frustrated, and irritated is important for your child to know. The fact that you handle those emotions appropriately is even more important for your child to recognize. The fact that you get angry when someone cuts you off in traffic or worried before you have to give a presentation at work, yet you handle those emotions appropriately, teaches kids how to handle their own emotions appropriately.
How to Implement:
Step 1: Buy or make feelings cards.
Kids, especially ones who aren’t good at expressing their emotions, are going to need some help identifying how they feel. If you simply ask, “How was your day?” you’re likely going to get “Fine” as a response. Furthermore, if you ask how kids feel, they will generally say “Fine” as well. Several years ago I heard that “fine” means Feelings In Need of Expression, and for kids, this is largely true. But to expect kids to automatically know how to identify their feelings is often too much to ask. Instead, an effective way to help kids identify and express their feelings is to give them concrete choices to choose from. In my office, I have a set of feelings cards called “Feeleez” (www.feeleez.com) that includes twenty-five feelings faces kids can choose from. There are other types of feelings cards online, or you can make your own. If you choose to make your own though, include the face with the name of the feeling. The face helps kids understand how feelings are expressed and helps them better identify other people’s feelings as well.
Step 2: You choose three feelings, they choose three feelings.
This step is a great way to connect with your child. You can either choose your feelings first or allow your child to. Regardless, it’s important to choose your feelings too, as it is a great way to model emotional intelligence. In choosing them, I would encourage you to choose at least one negative feeling such as worried, angry, frustrated, embarrassed, overwhelmed, etc., along with one positive feeling, such as excited, happy, calm, etc. The other feeling can be anything else you choose. Choosing at least one negative and one positive feeling allows kids to see that both negative and positive feelings can exist within the same day. After you choose your three, go through each one and say why you felt that way. For example say, “I felt worried when I thought I was going to be late for work” or “I felt sad when I saw a lost dog on the side of the road.” Then have your child take their turn and do the same thing.
Step 3: Begin identifying feelings outside of the check-in time.
It is a great step when a child says, “I don’t need the feelings cards. I already know how I feel.” Especially when he is able to choose words such as embarrassed, overwhelmed, or jealous without needing prompting. A nine-year-old girl who had a difficult time expressing her emotions came in from school after only a week of doing Feelings Check-In saying, “I know my three feelings for the day. Can we go ahead and do our check-in?” A comment like that lets you know your child is becoming more emotionally intelligent. She was becoming aware of her feelings throughout the day and was wanting to share it with her parent, something she was not able to do before.
What You Will Find:
Once kids are able to share how they feel, they not only understand themselves better, but you also understand them better. If your child can tell you he’s jealous of his sister, you will be much more understanding than if he just hits his sister and walks away. From saying he’s jealous, you can talk about ways to help him feel more secure in his relationship with his sister by saying things like, “When do you feel the most jealous of her?” and “What would make you feel more loved and appreciated?” Being able to identify and express emotions is one of the most important steps in helping an anxious child, and this tool provides an important step in helping your child do just that.