The Wedding Party of the Stars (of Villainy)
Diabloman.
Shit.
That was a complicated collection of emotions right there. Diabloman was the former center of Gary and my trio. We’d only been together a short while before things went to hell, but he’d been a fatherly figure to us both. A Satanic luchador, he’d been a big villain in the late Eighties and Nineties before time and black magic had taken its toll on him. Gary had rescued him from obscurity, and he’d guided us through a lot of pitfalls that we’d otherwise had fallen prey to.
Then he’d betrayed us. Mandy had gotten herself turned into a vampire and a soulless killer of evil. Which, you know, wasn’t great for me. I mean, I didn’t self-identify as evil, but all the murder and robbery could conceivably convince someone I qualified. Diabloman participated in a grand deception where his sister, the former superhero known as Spellbinder, had possessed Mandy’s vampire body. For months, maybe years, she’d impersonated Mandy and been a friend as well as lover to us. I felt unclean just thinking about it.
Eventually, it had all come out and Diabloman was lucky that Gary got to him first because I wouldn’t have just kicked him out of our home. Unfortunately, Gary had reconciled with him (somehow) and now Diabloman was married to Gary’s sister, Kerri. No, I don’t know what is with this family and rhyming names. Seriously: Cindy, Mindy, Mandy, Kerri, Gary, it’s damn weird. I keep expecting a third lovechild to show up named Mary or Jerry. No, that wasn’t a suggestion, God.
Where was I? Oh yes, Diabloman’s presence here was decidedly unwelcome. Unfortunately, I wasn’t about to cause a scene that might result in us getting thrown off the island before I could kill its owner and rob him blind. Still, Diabloman made me uncomfortable, and I hoped Gary had invited him on this heist or I was going to have to kick both off this team.
“Hello, Diabloman,” Gary said, reacting somewhat reserved and without much in the way of friendliness. It was funny that he was wearing a white tux and black bow tie with his black cloak that made him look like he was cosplaying as Sean Connery’s Bond. Perhaps I’d overestimated just how much they’d reconciled.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked, stepping into the conversation.
“I am attending the wedding of two dear friends,” Diabloman replied, opening the hatch to the Nightplane II.
“Really? You’re friends with Adonis and Achilles?” I asked, lowering my opinion of both men.
“No,” Diabloman replied. “I get the impression that I was invited not as a person they genuinely respected but because they wished to avoid giving me slight.”
“Ah, the Malificent invitation,” I replied, getting that. “You’re right. Better to have a supervillain not show up than feel the need to blow up the place. I mean, it would be absolutely crazy to not invite any women, for example, and they curse all of the guests to be transformed into pigs.”
“I see you heard about Circe’s reaction to the wedding,” Diabloman said.
I couldn’t help but grin. “It seems everyone’s gotten better.”
“They hired good magical security,” Diabloman said.
“What about Medea?” Selena asked. “The two of us used to have a thing and I’d be interested in how she reacted.”
Selena’s comment seemed directed less at Diabloman and more at Mandy. They’d broken up almost twenty years ago and hadn’t so much as spent an hour alone since then, but I got the impression there were some unresolved feelings there. Mostly negative ones as I understood it since not everyone possessed my fantastic ability to seduce again any man or woman I used to date.
“It is a good thing that neither Achilles nor Adonis have any children,” Diabloman said, calmly. “Medea’s wrath tends not to fall upon the perpetrator but their loved ones.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about Adonis not having any children,” I replied. “Given the way Greek gods and heroes cat about without protection, I wouldn’t be surprised if half of Hollywood or the fashion industry is related to them.”
“When’s the ceremony?” Gary asked.
“In a few hours,” Diabloman said. “You arrived just in time.”
“Is it going to be a problem being here?” I asked. “I have a history of murdering supervillains and so do most of the others here.”
“I don’t,” Dana muttered.
“We can ditch her, but I want to get the vibe here,” I replied. Just because I wasn’t friends with Diabloman anymore didn’t mean I wasn’t willing to pump him for information.
“Rule Fifteen of the Rules of Supervillainy: Supervillains don’t hold any grudges against those of their kind who murder other ones,” Diabloman said.
“We don’t?” I asked.
“The majority of our kind are sociopaths who have no loyalty to others of our kind,” Diabloman said. “Criminals are more inclined to kill others than police after all. It is only if you attempt to assist the authorities or rat them out that you are forever tarnished.”
“Snitches get stitches,” I replied, nodding. “Or the morgue.”
“Which may be a problem for this group,” Diabloman said.
I glared at Amanda. “How could you?”
“Why are you looking at me?” Amanda asked.
“Not her,” Diabloman said.
“I knew it was a mistake teaming up with the Human Tank and Black Witch,” I said, sighing. “They’ve been working with Ultragoddess way too much.”
“No, Cindy,” Diabloman said.
“Gary, I’m so sorry,” I said, sighing. “I knew your brief ill-fated attempt at superheroism would screw us over.”
Diabloman crossed his arms, staring at me.
“Okay, I’m confused,” I said, admitting that I was genuinely lost. “I mean, I’m fully prepared to throw my children under the bus but if the locals here know they’re time cops then we have bigger problems than my reputation.”
“They’re time cops?” Diabloman asked, surprised.
“Goddammit, Mom,” Leia said, covering her face with both hands.
“Why am I not surprised,” Mimi muttered.
“What?” I asked. “I’m not the one who betrayed their family by working for the law! Shame on you! Will it help if I declare them my archenemies?”
“Mom!” Leia said.
“Give into the Dark Side!” I said, pointing at her. “Don’t make me destroy you! Obi-Wan can no longer help you!”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Leia muttered.
“Gary, lend me your lightsaber, I have to chop off our daughter’s hand,” I said.
“Mom—” Mimi said.
“I’d chop off yours too but I’m pretty sure the lightsaber would just bounce off,” I said. “Believe me, it’s not a reflection on my nonexistent maternal feelings. I have a strong big sister energy for you both.”
“It’s not your daughters, Cindy,” Diabloman said. “It’s you. You are believed to be informing on other villains to the Foundation for World Harmony.”
I stared at him. “That is ridiculous.”
Dana took a deep breath and exhaled. “Well, at least no one thinks I’m guilty this time.”
“You’re a fascist so nobody thinks you’d work for the good guys,” I said.
“Argh!” Dana said, balling her fists and shaking them like she was a Peanuts character.
“You’re informing for the Foundation? Gasp, I say!” Gary said, putting his hand over his heart. “I’d ask for a divorce if we were married.”
“Funny, Gary!” I said, not remotely finding it funny. Turning to Diabloman, I shook my head. “This is a joke, right? The Foundation for World Harmony has put me in the kill list!”
“They believe that is a deliberate feint to distract from your collaboration with the authorities,” Diabloman explained. “After all, you haven’t done nearly enough to be put on the kill list, so they are overcompensating to hide your actions.”
“That makes no sense!” I said, trying to even parse that.
“Most criminals are deeply stupid,” Diabloman said. “Those that aren’t are prone to conspiracy theories and persecution complex.”
“This is all a plot against me!” I snapped. “Everyone is against me and afraid of me pulling off my latest heist!”
“Latest heist?” Diabloman asked.
“Yeah, we’re going to—” Leia started to say.
I gave her a death glare. Diabloman was family to my daughters, but I no longer trusted him and didn’t want them spilling the beans to him. I didn’t think he’d rat us out to the Dragon King but the fact I wasn’t sure was a risk I didn’t want to take.
“Something I have in the works,” I replied. “It’s not important now.”
Diabloman shrugged. “As you wish. Either way, you are unlikely to receive a warm welcome here on Dragon Island.”
I bit my lip then shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. I’m going out there no matter what. Then I’m going to find out who the hell is responsible for blackening my name as well as trying to kill me and my daughters. Oh, you too, Mandy. You were in the plane too.”
“Yes, I was,” Mandy said.
Amanda didn’t bother to correct me that she was there too. I mean, it was bad she was almost blown up too, but she wasn’t family.
“Someone tried to kill my nieces?” Diabloman asked.
“They are not your nieces,” I replied.
“We kind of are,” Mimi corrected.
“I mean in the sense that he’s married to our aunt,” Leia said. “Which, you know, is one of two ways you become someone’s uncle.”
“The honorific can also be applied to close friends of the family,” Mimi said. “Such as Aunt Amanda or Aunt Clarissa, also there.”
“Aw, you guys are sweet,” Clarissa said.
“Stop adding family without my permission!” I snapped. “Don’t I get a veto on this?”
Everyone in the Nightplane II looked at me strangely.
“Apparently not,” I said, fuming. “But what’s going to happen is I’m going to attend this wedding and then go get myself some vengeance. I’m going to kill everyone involved in spreading rumors about me and who fired those missiles at me, Foundation Agents or not. Sorry, Mandy, that includes your dad.”
Dana shook her head. “I thought this was going to be a heist but it’s like I’m stuck in the world’s most complicated family drama.”
I glared. “Shut up, Elsa Schneider.”
“Not a Nazi!” Dana said. “I voted for Ultragod! Twice! Or you know, I would have if not for the fact I had my right to vote stripped away.”
“Couldn’t care less,” I said. “Vengeance!”
“Vengeance is the Lord’s,” Diabloman said. “Or so the Great Enemy’s servants say. It is not a path to undertake lightly.”
“I always felt that was a trick because the Lord is all forgiving,” Gary said. “The guy chilled out significantly over the years from Sodom and Gomorra.”
Gary was an observant Jew, in the extreme loosest sense of the word, while I was areligious. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in the supernatural—I was attending the wedding of two Greek demigods after all—it was just I’d never really felt any desire to pray because of it. Gary believed Death, his boss, was an angel and refused to acknowledge he was a god even though channeling the power of a concept was apparently the general definition of one among cosmic beings. If I was a god, I would be building cults left and right with a phone number as well as donation page for every follower.
“I’m more an eye-for-an-eye sort of woman,” I replied, stupidly helping this conversation to keep going. “Except all their eyes!”
“That was actually meant to limit vengeance,” Gary said. “It was to restrict the revenge from being all consuming versus retributive justice.”
“Could not care less,” I repeated. “Vengeance!”
I stood up and headed past Diabloman, shoving past the mountain of muscle while muttering various curses to myself. Once I was on the dock, I managed to get a sense of just what was filling the streets of the mammoth resort I’d seen from the sky. It was a carnival-like atmosphere with parades, tents of incredible gourmet meals offered on display, kiosks where everything from fancy cars to gold-plated helicopters were being passed out as party favors, and places for elaborate gifts like extra-dimensional monsters floating in tanks or the gun that shot Lincoln. Humorously, there was a ten-foot-tall pile of ties next to a five-foot-tall pile of gold Rolexes for people who still believed anyone wore watches. A pity no one was crass enough to donate cash because I would have loved to have made off with that present.
“Excuse me,” I said, ducking under Dinosaur Girl’s pet T-Rex as it gnawed on an enormous brachiosaur bone.
“You’re excused,” The dinosaur replied in a pleasant continental accent I couldn’t quite place. “Oh, watch out for pickpockets.”
“They a problem?” I asked, pausing.
“Yes,” the T-Rex said. “There’s a game to find all fifty to burn them all alive at the mass sacrifice to Kronos.”
“Super!” I said, grimacing. “I suppose that’s what passes for entertainment around here.”
“I know,” the T-Rex said. “What a waste of meat.”
The ongoing party at Dragon Island was one that was impressive to look at and reminded me just how much money supervillains were willing to spend on their excessive self-aggrandizement. Even when you were successful, and that was a big if, the millions you took from ransoming the moon or emptying the Federal Reserve were often wasted in lavish displays like the one going on before me. Not only were there hundreds of supervillains present but, as Gary had suggested, they had brought their entourages with them.
There were also politicians, terrorist leaders, and corporate bigwigs who helped make up the super-rich. All of them had come with their henchmen, assassins, eye candy, and more than a few lawyers since some of these people couldn’t decide without consulting six different degrees of intermediary. As for Supervillains, there was everyone from the Juggernuke to the King of Crime and Samhain.
“Well, so far no one is recognizing me,” I said, frowning. “I’m kind of annoyed.”
It occurred to me it was a terrible idea just wandering off from the rest of my group but if I didn’t sign in for anything, the only people I had to worry about were those villains I directly knew as well as any magic that could overcome the charms I wore against recognition as anything other than Red Riding Hood.
I could see the Temple of Aphrodite that had been set up in front of Dragon Casino where Achilles and Adonis were holding court in separate thrones. A long line of supervillains was presenting their gifts and/or tribute.
A part of me wondered why the Dragon King had allowed so many supervillains onto his island, especially when he was going to be moving his fortune to a new location. Selena and Clarissa had talked about planning to stop the Dragon King from some evil plan, but I hadn’t bothered to investigate. I mean, archvillains were always doing evil plans. Why would this one matter versus any other time? It occurred to me that I might have been illustrating why I hadn’t taken the lead on previous endeavors despite my PHD and general savviness in all things. I had rushed headlong into this and browbeat any attempts to rein me in or come up with a plan better than, “It will work because I say it will work, goddammit.”
“Is it me?” I asked aloud. “Am I a crappy criminal mastermind?”
“Yes, Cindy, yes you are,” a voice spoke behind me.
One I recognized intimately.
Ultragoddess.