Atlas was my first love, well, second if you count the snakes. They both had a lot in common! Atlas was six-foot-six, blonde, handsome, charismatic, and funny. I was seventeen and he was nineteen. He was married to an older woman, Jill, and they were separated. And yes, I was the one who egged her car.
The drinking age was eighteen, but everyone had a fake ID and no one cared. Everyone drank at Mel's Café, and we usually closed the bar. Then we would go to Fireside on Main Street because they had a license to stay open an extra hour. Back then, if the cops stopped you for drunk driving, they told your parents. There was no such thing as Mothers Against Drunk Driving. The laws were lenient. Anyone could beat a drunk driving charge if they hired an attorney.
Atlas and I were in love. We would make out for hours and constantly had our hands all over one another. Our peers would tell us to get a room. I was a virgin and planned on staying that way. He lived in a little rented house on Spring Street, and we would hang out there. He dealt pot for a living, and I worked at a little Italian store called Public Market. We hung out with friends and they would smoke pot and we would drink. I never cared for pot, but I loved my cigarettes.
One night after drinking at Mel's Café, we went back to Atlas's place and he asked me to go upstairs. I wasn’t ready and refused. We hung out for a while and I went to go home. There was an ice storm, and my Mustang's doors were frozen shut. He walked me back into his house, and I didn’t have a choice but to spend the night. He asked me again to go upstairs, and I refused again. He told me he would be right back. I heard a bunch of thumping upstairs, and then I saw him holding the bed above his head and carrying it down the stairs. He plopped it right on top of the coffee table in the living room. I was cracking up laughing. I loved this man. He held me all night. I was warm and safe. My heart was aching with love. I woke up a few times just enjoying his arms around me. I knew this was love.
Bang! Bang! Bang! What the heck? Someone was pounding at the door. It was daylight, and I jumped up and realized where I was. Atlas went to the door and opened it. It was my father. He was ballistic and red. I told Atlas to leave and he went upstairs. I was afraid my father would kill him. What a scene. The neighborhood was out again. I was trying to explain. But the sun was shining and my doors were unfrozen. And the bed with the crumpled sheets was obvious evidence of my demon behavior. He grabbed my arm and escorted me to my car. Boy, these neighbors were enjoying this. I was forbidden to see Atlas again. My dad took my car keys and I was grounded. My mom never said a word. I stopped trying to explain. No one believed me anyway.
The following night, I waited until my dad fell asleep, took my keys out of his coat pocket, and went to Mel's to meet Atlas. We went to his house and made love. The act wasn’t as important as the love I felt for Atlas. I thought, “There, Dad. Now your accusations are real. I am no longer a virgin. Now I deserve to be grounded. Also, I need to get some birth control.” I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood. Well, my dad took the keys back and hid them. Atlas's phone calls were never given to me. I missed my Planned Parenthood appointment because it was too cold to walk. My heart was breaking; I hadn’t talked to Atlas because my father was the phone police. We only had one phone hanging on the wall. Cell phones weren’t invented yet.
After a while, my dad lightened up. I think my sadness got to him. I cried constantly. I got my keys back with the stipulation I would not see Atlas. Right. I made another appointment at Planned Parenthood for a new reason. My boobs hurt. I was shaking when I went to my appointment. Yep. I was pregnant. OMG. One time was all, and I didn’t think it was all that. I told Atlas and he said he loved me. I was going to have a child at seventeen. I secretly saw Atlas every waking moment.
I was drinking vodka and grapefruit because the juice is good for you. I was smoking up a storm. I loved Atlas and had no worries about getting pregnant because I already was. We would meet at Mel's and go to his place again and again. My dad trusted me again because I was in by midnight every night and he thought I wasn’t seeing Atlas. On this one night, I had one too many drinks and suggested to Atlas that we race to his house. He lived four blocks from Mel's. Off we went like a prom dress. As we approached a bridge two blocks from his house, Atlas passed me. I was going so fast that my car was airborne going over the Pearl Street Bridge. Oh no! There was a car parked illegally just over the bridge. I landed on the rear end of a Pontiac LeMans. My face hit the windshield hard. My stomach hit the steering wheel so hard it was bruised. I don’t remember any more until I woke up in the Emergency Room with Atlas and my dad. They loathed each other. I could feel the hate. My nose was the size of an orange and my stomach ached. I didn’t dare tell the doctor I was pregnant in fear my father would find out.
Well, my nose was broken and I would have to have surgery. Then they canceled my surgery because I got a sinus infection. My nose healed on the side of my face. Dr. Barthy, the nose specialist, rescheduled my surgery and had to break my nose again because of the way it healed. I was awake for the surgery so I wouldn’t bleed to death, and was given cocaine as an anesthetic and to control the bleeding. My face was wrapped up for a month. Atlas wasn’t allowed at our house, so my depression outweighed the pain. I was still pregnant and would examine the yellow bruises on my flat tummy. I decided to have an abortion. I was afraid the baby would be born deformed.
My nose healed, and Atlas took me for the abortion. It was horrible, but it was over. Atlas was sad and gave me a rose as we drove silently back to Stanford. I loved him, but I thought he was acting weird. I wondered if he was cheating on me.
Atlas's behavior was changing. He was becoming very jealous. He was going out with his friends without me, and I was finding that I was by myself at Mel's a lot. I was hearing rumors about him seeing other women. He said he was just smoking pot with them. I was losing him. Atlas talked about his brother in Florida and how he would like to spend time down there. I suggested we go. My dad was a pain, and I would be able to finally be with Atlas forever. So, I ran away with Atlas to Florida. Cheating problems solved.
I met Atlas's brother. We stayed at his house in Coral Gables. He looked stoned, like he was on something. After two days, he left. He just disappeared. We had no food and no money to speak of. Before he left, he introduced us to some of his friends in Coconut Grove. They were pot dealers and loved Atlas to death. Me, on the other hand, they tolerated. I didn’t smoke pot and wasn’t a carefree person like my partner. Atlas started dealing with these people and I spent a lot of time alone. I sometimes collected bottles and cans to cash them in so we could eat. We sometimes had to eat boiled spaghetti with no butter or sauce. Atlas started making money and we moved in to an apartment in Miami overlooking Biscayne Bay. A doctor previously rented it. It was all white and pristine. It had a balcony surrounding the whole place. It was nice. We needed furniture, so Atlas talked me into buy-as-you-go furniture. We had no credit, so they wanted a cosigner. I forged my parent's signature. All we had to do was pay payments, and we were living well. I turned eighteen. I was an adult. We rented a car under my name. Atlas's brother would pop in every now and then, and he would be high as a kite.
Well, we were rich one day and poor the next. Atlas's brother offered to bail us out and pay the rental car. He hadn’t look as toasted lately. I was very grateful Atlas's brother was helping us out because we owed a lot of money to the rental car place. We just never brought it back. Atlas smoked pot constantly, and some pretty shady people were hanging around. I was uncomfortable. Atlas was stressed, and that was unusual. I lost all trust for him and had a feeling he was cheating again. I had no friends and no family. We went to the grove to visit with his friends one day and came home to an empty apartment. Atlas owed these dealers a lot of money, so his friends set him up and took our furniture to sell. You see, these dealers were his friend's dealers also. I’d had enough and I called my mom. She informed me they had an APB out for my arrest for a stolen rental car they’d found abandoned weeks earlier. She thought I was dead.
My parents wired me money and straightened out the rental car. The people who stole the furniture returned it to the rental place when they found out it wasn’t Atlas's. I thought they hated me and loved Atlas, but they only loved him when he was in the money. I flew back to my parents in Connecticut. My dreams were shattered again.
The depression was so bad and I thought about Atlas every second. I reunited with friends but wasn’t the happy, popular person they remembered. Months went by and I never heard from Atlas. I started cutting myself. Just a little. I only did it on the wrists and inside of my arms. After I would do this, I would hide my wounds and heal. I would be good and swear I wouldn’t do it again. But I did it again and again. It was a cycle.
He called; my heart jumped in my throat. His voice. I loved him like an abused child. OMG! I thought, “He loves me and needs me.” He wired me money. I took the next flight out. While making love, I noticed Atlas was not a good kisser. I’d never thought that before. Did he change his way of kissing? I guess I was happy. I should have been elated. I thought I was in love again. Then I got the crabs. I found the crab medicine under the sink in Atlas's bathroom. I confronted him, and he told me I must have caught them on the plane. What a liar. The proof was right there in the bathroom. Then he accused me of cheating. Bye, Atlas. I called Mom and she bailed me out again. I ignored his calls and I continued to cut. I hated it because it controlled me like Atlas. It was my embarrassing secret that no one knew until now. Eventually Atlas moved back to Connecticut. We were on again, off again. He would cheat on me. I had to face it; I needed to get away from this man. I was nineteen. Then I met Evan. Look out, Dad.