Emily
WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE, Emily liked to dream about her wedding day. She always imagined her dress as a bright white lacy number with pastel rainbow-colored bows and big puffed sleeves, like those Velcro-fastened gowns her Barbies wore. She would have flower girls and bridesmaids in the double digits, wearing dresses the color of Easter eggs. The groom would be built like one of Jason’s G.I. Joes but with neatly coiffed blond hair and blue eyes. He would wear a baby blue tuxedo with a pink flower on it. The cake would have ten tiers, icing roses and a bride and groom on top.
What she hadn’t imagined was that she would wake up on the morning of her wedding without her groom in bed next to her, and with no idea where he was.
It had been a long ride home from the emergency room. David had glumly gotten into bed with her and said that he’d talk about it in the morning. Now it was morning and he was gone.
Emily found Marla in the kitchen making coffee, wearing a sheer beige kimono over a pair of linen pants that could have passed for breezy beachwear or pajamas.
“Have you seen David?” Emily asked.
“He went out.” She motioned toward the door.
“Did he say when he’d be back?”
“No.”
“Oh, great.”
Marla opened a container of yogurt. “What are you having a fit about?”
“Mom, it’s my wedding day and I don’t know where the groom is. I think I’m allowed to be upset.”
Marla shook her head. “So I guess today’s all about you, isn’t it? I’m starting to wonder if you inherited some narcissistic traits from my mother.”
“I’m Elsa!” Ariel shouted.
“No, you’re not!” Mia shouted. “I’m Elsa!”
The kids started wrestling on the nursery carpet. Jason and Lauren sprung to attention to separate them.
“Mia, stop!” Jason said. “Don’t pull your cousin’s hair!”
“It’s a wig!” Mia said as she tugged on Ariel’s hair. “He’s a boy.”
“Boys have long hair sometimes, Mia,” Lauren said calmly. “Ariel, set boundaries. Tell her that contact is not something you consent to.”
“I don’t consent to this,” Ariel said. Mia didn’t seem to understand. She kept pulling his hair. Ariel pushed her and she fell backward. Mia paused for a moment, then cried hysterically once she realized everyone was looking at her.
Emily appeared in the doorway. “Guys, I need your help.”
Jason picked up Mia. “What’s up?”
“I can’t find David, and Mom is acting like a complete cunt.”
“Are we going to Cunt today?” Ariel asked, jumping up and down.
“No. I’m talking to Auntie Emily.” Lauren turned back to Emily. “Go on.”
She tried not to cry. “David seriously just walked out of the house this morning and nobody has seen him. Mom was no help at all, Dad is still at the Ritz, and I have no idea who else to ask. I’ve texted Mark and Kevin already, and they both said they haven’t heard anything from him.”
“I’m sure he’ll show up in time for the wedding,” Jason said, nonchalantly. “Dude probably just went to get a beer and have one freaking moment to himself. Mia, no! You don’t get to kick people. That’s not how we do things. Use your words.”
“It’s not like that,” Emily said. “He barely spoke to me last night. And nobody drinks a beer in the morning.”
Jason shrugged. “I’ve already had two today.”
“Okay.” Lauren pulled Ariel onto her lap. “So maybe David left because he’s pissed at you right now. But that doesn’t mean he’s not coming back.”
“I’m not just going to wait around for him!”
Jason paused to think. “Did you text Nathan?”
“Why would David choose to hang out with him at a time like this? Nathan drives him crazy.”
Her phone buzzed. She eagerly checked it. “It’s a fucking calendar alert. I have my hair appointment with Eva in fifteen minutes.”
“Wait, you’re going back to her?” Lauren said. “I thought you hated her for wrecking your hair.”
“I have a two-for-one coupon, and I don’t want to waste money. Also, my hair is kind of the least of my concerns right now.”
Lauren shrugged. “Okay, so skip the appointment.”
“Are you kidding me? I don’t want to look ugly.”
* * *
“Ah, yes,” Eva said as Emily settled into the chair. “You the lady who get very angry about the hair.”
“Yeah. That’s me. I’m over it. I have bigger issues to deal with.”
“Bigger issue is when your town mayor steal your only pair of Levi jeans to pay off his mob debt. Bigger issue is when pet rabbit thrown out window to ward off evil spirit that make your dog make sex with grandfather clock.”
“Does that happen in Russia?”
“Who say I from Russia? So what is your bigger issue? It couldn’t be bigger than when my last husband was stolen by twin sister saying she was me. He still believe it.” She stared sadly into the mirror from behind Emily.
“I’m pregnant.”
“Pfffft. That not big issue. Come back when baby born with head of goat.”
“That happened in your village?”
“No, it just a saying. You don’t say that here?” She shrugged. “It mean bad luck with money.” She tied the plastic cape in the back of Emily’s neck and brandished a curling iron.
Emily nodded. “Well, the father isn’t very happy about the baby. Or maybe he’s just mad at me for not telling him about it. I don’t know.”
Gabrielle, who had been flipping through her thick binder of hairstyles, rushed over at the sound of the word baby.
“You’re pregnant, oh my gosh!” she said, hugging Emily’s neck. “This is amazing! How could David be angry? Oh, he’ll adjust. He’s just freaked out! Who could blame him? I’m sure he’ll be fine by the time of the wedding. Even though our baby was planned, when Mark found out about it, he scheduled a boys’ trip to Vegas and lost a thousand dollars on blackjack. Men are so weird.”
“You tell husband night before wedding?” Eva gave Emily an incredulous look in the salon mirror. She lowered her voice to a secretive whisper. “That not smart. What you do—you wait until after honeymoon, then you tell. Then he cannot leave even if paternity test is false and it belong to mayor.”
“It’s his baby. He just freaked out that I didn’t tell him right after I found out.”
“He the real baby. In my village, when woman get pregnant, all men in town bring their guns out to town square for dancing and shooting ox.”
“Well, in America, men are usually pretty freaked out when their girlfriends get pregnant accidentally.”
“Nonsense. He forget everything at wedding. Like we say in my village, men are like shallow pond—they catch fire easily.”
“What?”
“They have quick temper. Then they get over it. He just need vodka. Also in my village we have problem with ponds catching fire because of pollution. So what kind of hair you want for the wedding?”
“Loose curls!” Gabrielle squealed. “Sorry, you get to choose—but my vote is for loose curls!”
“What about Jennifer’s vote?” Emily asked. “I don’t know how much longer we should wait for her.”
“She hasn’t been responding to my texts,” said Gabrielle. “I hope she’s okay.”
“Fuck. This is so typical. Loose curls it is.”
* * *
Emily sat in her bedroom in her white strapless wedding gown, which, though it had been let out a little, was still dangerously tight around the expanding waist and bust. Gabrielle had done her makeup using her new products from Sephora—matte and soft, as she put it. Emily couldn’t look at herself in the mirror. She felt like Miss Havisham haunting a spooky Victorian manor in her old wedding dress. Lauren and Maddyson, both wearing their bridesmaids dresses, looked at their phones, avoiding what Lauren no doubt would have called “the gorilla.”
“Where the fuck is Jennifer?” Emily finally asked.
“Oh, that reminds me,” Gabrielle said. “I should check my phone. I turned it off to save battery.” She opened her gold clutch bag to retrieve her phone.
“You’re low on battery? How is that possible? You’re the most organized person ever.”
“Oh, I’m not low. I just wanted to conserve it in case there was some emergency and I needed a fully charged phone. Like, what if there’s a blackout?”
“Don’t say that,” Emily said. “That’s the last thing I need. Maddyson, have you heard from Nathan?”
“Nope,” she said, swiping through her phone and lounging back on Emily’s bed. “I have no idea where he is.”
“When was the last time you saw him?”
“This morning. He just took my mom’s car and drove off somewhere.”
“Seriously?” Emily’s heart raced as she sprung up. “Nathan took off for no apparent reason? Fuck, Lauren, that’s a clue! Nathan never leaves the house, ever. That’s what David is doing. He’s with Nathan!”
“Maybe,” Maddyson said. “What’s the big deal?”
“Emily told David she’s pregnant and he freaked out,” Lauren said, as if recounting the plot of a boring Kate Hudson movie.
“You’re pregnant?” Maddyson said. “Shit.”
“Don’t,” Gabrielle snapped. “Don’t freak her out.”
“No, I mean, she looks good for being knocked up,” Maddyson said. “No offense, Gabrielle.”
“Thanks,” Emily said. “Weirdly, that does make me feel better.”
“Now I see why your boobs are so huge,” Maddyson said. “Hashtag, jealous.”
“Oh wait, I missed a call from Jennifer!” Gabrielle smiled and swiped her phone.
“Call her back!” Emily said. “Ask her where the fuck she is!”
Gabrielle rang Jennifer. Her brow raised in relief when Jennifer picked up, but her facial expression quickly changed to one of disappointment and confusion. “Oh, hey, Jennifer? Yep, thanks for picking up. We’re all sitting here wondering where you are. The wedding starts in—oh, really? Are you serious? Do you want me to tell Emily? Yeah, well, she is going to be mad. Jen, wow. Are you serious?”
“What? What is it?” Emily asked.
“Okay, Jen, I’ll call you back later.” Gabrielle hung up and turned to Emily. She exhaled deeply. “Jennifer can’t make it.”
“Can’t make what?”
“The wedding.”
“The wedding? She flew out here for my wedding! She’s a fucking bridesmaid. What could possibly have come up?” Emily hated the fact that she was screaming while wearing a bridal gown, which probably made her look crazy, but this was just too infuriating for her to worry about how she looked.
“Apparently Kevin thought she hooked up with Jason and lost interest in her. She was really upset about it. So last night she splurged for a ticket to Los Angeles to see her ex-boyfriend. Apparently he’s still in love with her and she felt like everything with Kevin was a sign that she should go back to him. You remember her talking about Carl, right?”
“Los fucking Angeles? Carl? She couldn’t have done this after the wedding?”
“I’m just the messenger,” Gabrielle said weakly, her hands in her lap.
“Well, this is just great. I’m one bridesmaid short.”
“I say we make the best of this,” Maddyson said. “Let’s pop some champagne.”
“Sorry to be a downer,” Emily said. “But fifty percent of the people in this room are pregnant.”
Maddyson shrugged. “I’ll have some then.” She took a bottle of cheap strawberry champagne out of her oversize tote bag and untwisted the cap, drinking directly from the bottle. She took a quick selfie before screwing the cap back on.
Emily looked aghast. “Where did you get that? You’re eighteen.”
“Nathan gets me alcohol sometimes. In return, I let him touch my hair.”
Emily was not going there. “Speaking of Nathan, we need to find him,” she said.
“Jason knows Nathan better than either of us do. He’ll find him.”
* * *
“How about some tunes?” Jason asked. Lauren was driving and he was riding shotgun. “We need some finding-the-groom music!” He pumped his neck forward and back like a clucking chicken.
“No,” Emily said from the back seat. “I don’t want to listen to anything right now. What’s Nathan saying?”
“Seriously, Jason, do your job,” Lauren said.
Jason looked at his phone “He says...and I quote... ‘Good sir, my brother has entrusted me with his privacy. I have no honor if I give this information to anyone who asks.’”
Emily lunged forward, reaching for the phone. “Let me have your phone. I’m going to kill him.”
“No, we can’t be mean to him,” Jason said firmly. “We need to speak his language. We need to get him to agree to give up the info. Otherwise he’s just going to get off on this whole ‘honor’ thing.”
“Jason’s right,” Lauren said. “Nathan gets bullied all the time. Telling him off won’t intimidate him. If anything it will encourage him. He loves the ‘me against the world’ narrative.”
“Okay, fine,” Emily said, sitting back. “Jason, is there anything you could offer him? Anything he really wants?”
Jason paused to think. “There is one thing.”
“What?”
“I could take him out on the town in New York City. I offered it to him after the bachelor party, mostly because I was drunk, but I think he really wants to do it. He wants me to show him how to talk to girls.”
Lauren rolled her eyes. “Right, because you’re such an authority.”
“Whatever,” Jason said, texting Nathan. “I’m a hell of a lot more of an authority than he is. I’m pretty sure the only girls he talks to are cartoon characters.”
Jason’s phone buzzed.
“What, what?” Emily asked.
“He went for it. He’s telling me where David is.”
“I love you,” Emily said.
* * *
The patrons of Jojo’s Ice Cream Shoppe in Fairfield turned and stared as Emily rushed in, pushing the door open so fast that the little bell around the doorknob rang and smashed against the door as it slammed shut. The vibrations from the slamming door caused the pink-and-white-striped awning outside to shake. Emily looked around and saw a couple with a young child looking up from their banana splits to gawp at her. The pudgy teenage cashier stopped chewing her gum and stared. It was only then that Emily remembered she was wearing a wedding dress.
Nathan and David were seated by a window. They were in their tuxes, which Emily took as a good sign. David’s face, however, told another story. He looked sullenly into a barely eaten ice cream sundae that was made to look like the face of a teddy bear.
“Seriously?” she asked.
“I just wanted a moment.”
“You had your moment. What were you going to do, not show up to our wedding?” Emily was too upset to care that the teenage checkout girl was taking a video of her. She could imagine the viral clip on YouTube now: “Epic Ice Cream Bride Fail.”
“He had no intention of jilting you,” Nathan said. “I would never permit him such an indecorous gesture.”
“Thanks, Nathan, but he’s being pretty fucking indecorous already.”
“Let’s talk outside,” David said. He got up, and noticed Lauren and Jason outside the front window, staring into the shop. He sat back down. “Fine, let’s talk here. Nathan?”
Nathan made a deep ceremonious bow and peeled off. Emily sat down. David resumed morosely eating his ice cream sundae.
“Why would you do this?” she asked.
“I just needed some time alone to think.”
“You’re being such a child!”
“I’m not being a child!” he said, stabbing his spoon into the teddy bear ice cream sundae. He lowered his voice. “I just...”
“Yeah?”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I couldn’t handle it?”
The words started tumbling out of her. “I don’t know, I just... I’ve had so much pressure on me this week with my family and the wedding, not to mention your job and... I screwed up, I know I did, but...”
“It’s not about stress. I’m going to be your husband and you can’t even tell me you’re pregnant? What the hell was your plan?”
“You can do better than me!” Emily blurted out, fully aware that everyone was staring, but no longer caring. She was holding back tears. David looked taken aback.
“Why...why would you think that?”
“Just look at us! You were popular in high school, I wasn’t—”
“Oh, come on, we’re adults, who cares about—”
“Let me finish.” Emily inhaled deeply. “You’re handsome, you’re smart, you’re successful—”
“Not really anymore.” David smiled self-effacingly. “I’ll allow ‘handsome’ and ‘smart,’ though.”
“You will be successful, though. If not with Zoogli, somewhere else. You have everything going for you. I don’t know why you’re even marrying me! Am I like...some kind of reliable starter wife? Or are you subscribing to the idea that ugly girls are more grateful and give better blow jobs, which I know I’m very good at?” She heard some fourteen-year-old boys laughing from behind giant sundaes. At the very least, she had given them a funny story. She shuddered to think that all the funny things she witnessed in public were the ends of other people’s lives.
Although she feared her comment would insult David, he started to laugh. “You’re not ugly by anyone’s standards, Emily. You know how when you walk into a room, you think everyone is staring at you because you’re ugly? They’re staring at you for the opposite reason. I’m flattered that you think I would marry someone I find unattractive for the sake of a good personality, but come on. You think I’m that deep? Of course I think you’re beautiful. It’s one of the many reasons I’m with you. You’re caring, you’re smart, you’re funny in a way that so few people are, you don’t judge me, you like all the weird food shit I like, you and I can stay up till two in the morning making each other laugh...and, actually, your blow jobs could use some improvement. Not enough hand use. But it’s okay, we have sixty years to work on that.” Emily was too busy holding back tears to worry about the teenage boys knowing her blow jobs were subpar. Sixty years with this wonderful man. She wished it could be two hundred.
She couldn’t help staring at the ice cream bear. “Are you going to finish that?”
He slid the bear over to her.
* * *
The wedding party was mustering in the lobby of the Ritz. Gabrielle checked her phone. “Well, now we’re missing the bride and the groom. I don’t know if that counts as progress.”
“Wait, here they come,” Mark said, spotting Emily and David, followed by Lauren, Jason and Nathan.
Gabrielle embraced Emily. Her black binder cut into Emily’s back. “Ow.”
“Sorry.” She spoke in a hushed tone. “Is everything cool?”
“I think so. I don’t know. I hope so.”
“What’s up, motherfuckaaaaas?” Emily wheeled around. It was Stephanie Morris, the old high school friend she had seen at the airport. “You have got to be kiiiiidding me!” Stephanie shouted, running over. “You look amaaaaazing!”
“Stephanie!” Emily said. “What are you doing here? I thought you had a bonfire...”
“Oh, that fell through. The dude who was supposed to provide the peyote couldn’t make it. Plus, I figured your wedding would be way more awesome. I know I don’t technically have an invite, but that’s so lame, you know? I can’t believe your mom wouldn’t let you invite your best friend!”
“Best—”
“You look so hot. Your boobs are so big, Emily! When did that happen?”
“Since I got pregnant.”
“Whoa,” she said, covering her mouth. “That is like, a normal person’s life on molly. But not during the high. After the comedown, when you’re depressed.”
“Thanks.”
“Can I be a bridesmaid? Can I please? I’ve never been one. No one’s ever asked me, not even my sister, that bee-otch! I know I’m not wearing the exact same dress, but I’m wearing peach!” She motioned to her casual long sundress. To her credit, it was peach, but it was strapless and patterned.
“I say, let her,” Gabrielle whispered. “She’s far more dedicated than Jennifer would be. And besides, didn’t you want the number of bridesmaids to equal the number of groomsmen?”
Christina arrived, holding Mia in her arms. She came over and joined the rest. “Emily!” she gasped. “You look beautiful!” Mia’s hair was curled. She was wearing a mint-green flower girl dress with white patent leather Mary Janes. “Jason, where’s your tux?” she asked.
Jason was wearing a faded tee with a picture of a big-eyed kitten under the words Pussy Monster.
“I’ll change,” he said sheepishly.
“Just turn it inside out,” Emily said. “You don’t have time. I’d rather you look like an idiot at my wedding than not be there. Although to be clear, that T-shirt is a disaster nonetheless.”
“I heard about Jennifer,” Christina said, ignoring Jason. She gave Emily a deep, perfumed hug. “It is what it is. But what a bitch.”
“Yeah, we’re kind of one bridesmaid short,” Emily said. “I feel like such a loser.”
“Oh, I’ll step in!” Christina said. “I knew I’d be escorting the little ones down the aisle for the procession, so I wore the right colors!” She motioned to her dress—a knee-length peach chiffon cocktail dress with beige pointed-toe pumps. Her hair was done up in an effortlessly pretty chignon, and her earrings were ivory pearls. She looked like a J.Crew model.
“The thing is, Stephanie also wants to do it.” Emily motioned to Stephanie.
“Who are you?” Christina asked, only just then noticing Stephanie.
“I’m only Emily’s best friend from high school.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Christina said. “I’m Emily’s former sister-in-law. I think if anyone should take the missing bridesmaid spot, it should be me. Your dress is also extremely inappropriate. This isn’t Coachella.”
“Seriously?” Stephanie said. “Her former sister-in-law? I’m her current best friend!”
“I...don’t want to be mean,” Emily stammered. “But Stephanie, I haven’t even seen you in years.”
“You saw me at the airport, dude.”
“I meant, you know—on purpose.”
“Whatever,” said Stephanie, not showing a hint of being insulted. She turned to Christina. “I say we both do it. Girl power.” They both turned to look expectantly at Emily.
“Fine,” Emily said. Then she laughed. “Fine.”
* * *
“We are gathered here today to witness the union of David Porter and Emily Glass,” the officiant, Katherine, who had come highly recommended on Yelp, said, “who have come all the way from San Francisco to wed in the presence of their families.”
“Woohoo! San Francisco!” shouted Stephanie, standing with the other bridesmaids. All eyes turned to her. “I’ve never been, but I’ve heard it’s cool. So awesome that you guys live there. Represent!”
“Emily and David met a few years ago at a start-up expo event, as they said in their email to me,” Katherine said. “One might say this is an unexpected place to meet your future spouse, but their love has only grown through the years. Today, they will join together in a union of loyalty and devotion. They have written their own vows. Emily?”
“Oh, um...” Emily stammered. “I never got around to writing mine. So I guess I’ll be winging it.” She heard murmurs from the wedding guests. Who were these people? Her parents invited way more friends than she had expected. She looked out at a sea of Judy Steins. At least Dr. Leibowitz didn’t seem to be there. Maybe Marla got the message after all. Emily cleared her throat.
“Some of you already know this, but this has been an insane week. First of all, I’m pregnant.” There were gasps and giggles. “Yeah, I know. And I was so busy with that, and freaking out about it, that I didn’t tell David or write my vows. This is basically the shittiest thing I’ve ever done. So I’m just going to say—I don’t know, I guess, just...” She turned to him. “David, I’m sorry. I was wrong to hide this from you. I know you’ll be a great father. I’ve never doubted that. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you and I’m really kicking myself for it.”
She turned to the guests.
“This wedding is kind of a mess,” she said, feeling as if she might laugh or cry or both. “My parents aren’t staying in the same house—”
“Emily!” Marla snapped.
“Well, it’s true, Mom, and everyone knows. Not to mention, one of my bridesmaids is missing because she decided it would be reasonable to go to Los Angeles today instead of coming to my wedding. And, of course, none of that compares to the fact that David and I had the biggest fight today that we’ve ever had. But I guess that’s life. Life is just...it’s just one long shit show. And David, there’s no one I’d rather go through it with than you, because there’s no one in the world who can make me feel as calm as you do. Whatever happens, whatever scary shit life throws at us, I know I can handle it as long as I have you.”
He took her hand and started to speak. She didn’t hear a thing he said. She just looked at him and thought, he is perfect.
Jason
“Good sir!” Nathan said joyously, waddling over to Jason as he sat at his table, next to his father’s empty chair, drinking Scotch on the rocks. He wasn’t completely sloshed yet, although he intended to be by the end of the hour. “You won’t believe what just happened!”
“What? If this is about video games, you need to reevaluate everything.”
“It isn’t. I finally had a successful interaction with a female. Nay, a woman. A beautiful woman.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes! I joined a dating site for LARPers and found someone named Daenerys95. She lives in Greenwich with her parents and she’s looking for like-minded atheist males. She specifically said ‘non-WoW players need not apply.’”
“You realize that just because you found a woman’s profile doesn’t mean you have a girlfriend, right?”
Nathan pursed his lips in frustration. “You underestimate me so. I never said she was my girlfriend. But we have a date next Saturday.”
“No way, man! What was your strategy—did you neg her, maybe say something about her weight? She sounds fat.”
Nathan looked perplexed. “No. I just sent her a message asking what her favorite book was.”
“And that worked?”
“Yes, good sir. I mean, I question some of her taste, she still has a fairly rudimentary understanding of atheist literature and she glorifies the frankly overrated George R. R. Martin, but I can enlighten her further.”
“You need to make sure she sees you as the top dog.” Jason took another sip of his drink. “When you go on the date, make some joke about how she looked hotter online and then say, ‘just kidding.’”
Nathan scrunched up his face. “You may be my best friend, Jason, but you are, for lack of a better term, a douche.”
“I take more of an issue with ‘best friend,’ but point taken. See you around, buddy.”
Nathan returned his attention to his phone, where he presumably messaged his fair maiden as he walked off toward the buffet.
“Your turn,” Christina said, walking over and plopping Mia on the floor next to Jason.
“I’ll take her,” he said. Mia was clutching her mother’s iPhone firmly in her hands.
“Can I seriously trust you with this task?” Christina asked. “Just play Frozen clips for her if she gets unruly.”
“Sit down for a sec,” said Jason. He pulled his father’s chair out and patted the seat, hoping that didn’t make him look too pervy.
“I’m supposed to be getting Susan a drink. We were in the middle of a conversation about the Rockettes.”
“I only need a second,” said Jason.
Christina rolled her eyes and sat down with a huff, crossing her freckled arms and legs. “What is it?”
“I just wanted to say,” said Jason, “I’ll try harder. I’ll be a better dad. I’m sorry I’m not always there.”
Christina opened her mouth as if to say something, but stammered. Finally she said, “You’re telling me you haven’t been a good dad.”
“Yes,” said Jason. “I admit it. The whole marriage and fatherhood thing... I screwed it up. But I love Mia, and I want to be there for her. I want to be in her life. I think I can be there for her, be what she needs. I think I can learn to be a good dad. I don’t want to be the...the douche anymore.”
Christina nodded as if she was waiting for Jason to shout, “Psych!”
“Also, I’m sorry about you...about everything I did to you,” he added. “I don’t expect you to like me, or be friends with me but...for Mia’s sake, let’s at least be polite to each other.”
Christina nodded. “I want you to read some articles first,” she said softly. “I have a very particular way that I’m raising her, and if you’re going to get involved, I want us to be on the same page.”
Jason shrugged. “Sure, what are they?”
“I’ll email them to you, but just to give you an idea, I am raising her to believe that all women are goddesses. I am raising her to believe that if she wants something, she should go for it. And I am raising her to believe that she should never, ever, compromise anything she wants for a man or back down for anybody.”
“She’s three.”
“Yeah, but this kind of thinking starts early, especially with girls. I’m never going to let her make the mistakes I did.”
Jason paused for a moment. “Christina, those are all the mistakes you made. You never compromised. I’m not saying I was a good husband at all, but if you want her to have healthy relationships, she needs to learn give-and-take.”
“And you know give-and-take?” Christina snapped.
“No, that’s what I’m saying. I sucked at being a husband but at least I know it. I’m not going to tell her to do what I did either.”
“So I sucked as a wife?”
“Not nearly enough.” He smirked to himself. He couldn’t help it—she had put it in his lap. Well, not literally. Zing again, he thought.
“I should have known better than to talk to you for even five seconds,” she said. “A-s-s-h-o-l-e.” She stood up, but Jason grabbed her hand.
“Don’t touch me,” she snapped.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just feel like if we’re going to do this together, we need to agree on some things, and I didn’t agree with what you said. You know me, I like to joke around. I just don’t want her growing up to be entitled. I don’t want her growing up to be a princess. I want her growing up to be a healthy adult with self-respect, and respect for other people. Not that I’m a healthy adult, but the least I can do is try to help Mia become one.”
Christina sat back down and cocked her head. “I suppose we can compromise on that,” she said. “Will you still read the articles?”
“I’ll read them,” Jason said. “Can we compromise here? Can we coparent? Can we spend a few minutes around each other without fighting?”
Christina looked at Mia, then back at Jason. She nodded. “I guess,” she said. “But I have some rules too. No smoking or drinking in front of her. No McDonald’s in the house, even if she’s not eating it and no women whatsoever, unless I’ve met them first. I don’t need her meeting all your bimbo girlfriends.”
Jason laughed. “You obviously think I do way better with women than I actually do. I mean, I banged this girl from Celebz but she seemed kinda unhinged and it was only oral.”
“Shh! Not in front of Mia!”
“She doesn’t understand,” he said dismissively. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is—you don’t need to worry about me with women. And if, by some random turn of events, I actually want to get serious with someone who wants to get serious with me, I’ll have her meet you before she meets Mia. Fair?”
“Fair,” said Christina.
“And that goes for you too,” said Jason, smiling at her. “Any dude you’re getting serious with, have him meet me first.”
“Why?”
“So I can provide suicide counseling to him ahead of time,” Jason murmured.
“What?”
“I’m joking. I just think everything should go both ways. I don’t want some creep hanging around my daughter.”
“Can we at least not joke around in front of Mia?”
“Deal,” said Jason. “Now go have fun. I’ll watch her for the night.” He dislodged the iPhone from his daughter’s tiny hand and led her to the dance floor.
Emily
“Care to dance?” Steven asked Emily. Emily nodded. She hadn’t seen him interact with Marla since the ceremony. On the bright side, worrying about her own marriage all week made her a bit numb to any fears about her parents’ marriage.
“Sure, Dad.” There hadn’t been an official father-daughter dance, mostly because Emily knew it was accompanied by a mother-son dance, and as much as David would be happy to dance with Susan, she didn’t want to run the risk of bringing up unwanted feelings about his mother. When Lauren noticed that Emily had declined to incorporate this tradition, she congratulated her for “not pandering to that patriarchal father-as-husband bullshit.” Emily just said thanks.
Steven took Emily’s hand. In heels, she was almost taller than him. Neither of them knew how to dance, so they merely stepped in rhythm, going in a slow circle.
“You’re going to be a great mother, Emily,” he said.
“Wow, Dad, really? You mean that?”
Steven shrugged, keeping his hand on Emily’s. “Well, being a parent isn’t particularly difficult. You don’t exactly need to be a genius.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
Emily looked to her right and saw Lauren waddling around on the dance floor alone. Matt was nowhere to be seen. Nathan approached her, bowed with his fedora in his hand, and asked, “May I have this dance, milady?”
Lauren shrugged and sighed. “Oh, what the hell. But I’m taking the lead.” Emily smiled as she saw Lauren and Nathan waltz off together. Nathan’s hand grazed Lauren’s lower back and she quickly swatted it away.
Earlier, Emily had seen Jason bending over to dance with Mia, but that was five drinks ago. Christina was entertaining Mia and Ariel with Peppa Pig clips on her iPad while Jason danced with Stephanie Morris, who was twerking upside down on the wall. Her maxi dress draped down over her head, and she was wearing a faded white thong that was so old that it looked dirty. What Jason was doing couldn’t really be called “dancing” as it would have been impossible to truly dance with her without getting a face full of ass. He was bopping in place, staring directly at her butt. At least he was showing a mild amount of restraint. At the end of the song, Stephanie got back on her feet, wrapped her arms around him and began making out with him furiously.
“Hello, Steven.” Emily turned around to see Marla. “I hope you’re having a nice time.”
Steven stopped in his tracks. “I am.”
Marla lowered her voice. “You know, it may be a bit embarrassing for Emily to be dancing with you for this many songs. It’s her wedding, after all, and she probably wants to spend time with her peers. Perhaps you should let her find her husband.”
“Yes, I’ll dance with you, Marla.” Steven let Emily’s hand go, and placed his hand around Marla’s waist. Emily watched as they held hands together through the crowd.
* * *
Emily ran into Lauren again at the buffet toward the end of the reception. She was sullenly gazing at the array of desserts but neglecting to put anything on her plate.
“Matt knows,” Lauren said, looking at Emily with dead eyes.
“I’m... I’m sorry. I didn’t tell him, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“He doesn’t know the literal truth, and there’s no reason for him to know something that will only hurt him. But we were sitting at our table, and he just turned to me and said, ‘You don’t love me, do you?’”
“And?”
“I told him I didn’t. It isn’t fair to waste his life like this. He stormed out. Of course he’s angry, but he’ll be better off without me. And frankly, I’ll be better off without him. He’s quirky and all, but can a white cishet man ever really relate to my struggles? If anything, his hipsterism is an appropriation of my otherness. He’s queering himself because he lacks any markers of real oppression, and frankly, that’s emotionally abusive.”
Emily sighed. “You’re allowed to just be sad about losing him, you know. You don’t have to come up with all these...reasons.”
“I know.” Lauren popped a mint-green chocolate almond in her mouth. “I think I just need a hug.” They hugged and Emily found herself silently whispering to her baby, That’s Aunt Lauren you’re hugging.