Ryder didn’t know it, but Chanel hadn’t been in this basement for over fifteen years. During the past weeks she had been home, she had lacked the courage to venture downstairs. Until today. So this was another milestone. Monumental.
She took the sonogram from under the protective film, and, spotting her name, covered it with her thumb before turning the picture toward him.
“Thanks for sharing it with me. I’ve never seen one of these up close. I missed this with Gabby,” he said, his voice filled with quiet awe.
Chanel smiled, bringing the image close to her chest and taking a deep breath. “She had a strong heartbeat. You should have seen her. Warren and I swore she was showing off. Kelly. That’s what we’d decided to call her. We predicted she would be a gymnast, but...she never made it past the womb.”
She closed her eyes as the tears fell and swallowed back a sob, knowing this would happen. It felt like her heart was bleeding, and after the way she had cried earlier, Chanel didn’t understand how she would have any tears left. She drew deep breaths—inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, exhaling.
Touching her shoulder, he said, “Cara, if this is too hard for you...”
“No. I want to tell you. One good share deserves another,” she said, making a feeble attempt at humor. She held up her index finger. “Just give me a minute. I’ve got to let this all out, or I’m going to burst.”
Ryder left for a few seconds before returning and placing tissues in her hand. Squaring her shoulders, she opened her eyes and forced the words out of her mouth.
“It was a beautiful spring day. Warren and I had graduated with our bachelor’s degrees in agriculture, and I wanted to celebrate. We went to dinner and stayed up until late, catching up on all the television shows that we had missed while in school on our DVR. We should have slept in the next day, but I insisted we go fishing. Warren was exhausted, but he—he couldn’t deny me anything.”
Her breath hitched. “If only he hadn’t listened. If only I hadn’t been so persuasive. If only... If only...” She bit her lower lip and shook her head. “I have gone through that morning several times, trying to decide what I could have done differently.”
“You can’t,” Ryder said. “You can’t be the hamster on the wheel, going over and over the woulda-coulda-shouldas. At some point, you have to stop seeking, stop searching for answers you will never have.”
“Tell that to my conscience.” She rubbed her eyes. “So, we took the boat out. The water was calm and the fish were jumping. It was perfect. Until it wasn’t.” Sighing, she lolled her head back. “Out of nowhere, the weather changed, and the calm day turned into my worst nightmare. Sixty-degree winds whipping our faces, water pelting our skin. Warren was an experienced boater, but he was no match against this thunderstorm.
“Warren tried to lower the sail, to get us back to shore, but the boat rocked so hard that... I fell over.” She gazed ahead, focused on the wall before her. “I still remember the freezing water like it was yesterday. And I—I wasn’t wearing a life jacket, so he...he reached for me, but the...the sail hit him on the head, and he fell into the water. I struggled to save him... He was going under...” Her chest tightened. “But he was so heavy. I yelled out to God to help me.”
Her body shook. Caught up in the memories, Chanel forgot Ryder was there, listening. So when he reached for her hand, she jumped.
“Are you okay?” he said, his eyes filled with worry.
Giving him a jerky nod, she continued, holding his hand like it was a lifeline keeping her in the present so she could talk about her past. Her shivers reduced to a slight tremor.
She licked her chapped lips. “I don’t know if it was the shock of the frigid water, but Warren jerked awake, jumped into the boat and pulled me inside. Then he began to take us to shore. I was determined to help, so I stood to give him a hand, and that was when the sail...the sail broke and spliced into my abdomen.”
Ryder gasped. “Oh, no. How... Wh—”
“Once he saw I was hurt, Warren shouted over the fury of the winds for me to stay low, remain calm.” She snorted. “I had no choice but to listen then. I clutched my stomach, begging Kelly to hold on, pleading with God while Warren got us to shore. Once he pulled that boat to land, he told me that he loved me, dropped to his knees and fell to the earth.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “He never recovered. Dry drowning.”
Chanel was surprised that Ryder’s eyes were glossy.
“Wow. What a love,” Ryder said, overcome. “Oh, Cara, I’m so sorry.”
“I must have passed out, because the next time I opened my eyes, I saw bright lights. I had been admitted to the hospital.” She faced her neighbor. “He died trying to save me. And he did save me. But I lost them both, two of the most precious people to me—my husband and my child—and all I have been left with is this overwhelming guilt and the nightmare of reliving that day over every night. My own personal Groundhog Day.”
Ryder yawned and stretched his neck. He had been in his office since 3:30 a.m. working on a rough draft of an article documenting the results of his team’s recent research. He was the lead author and wanted to submit the paper as soon as possible to the Journal of Cancer Research and Clinical Oncology. His hope was to get the draft done before the New Year.
When he wasn’t working, Ryder’s mind was occupied with Gabby’s hearing loss and Cara. Cara’s heart-wrenching story of her loss had stayed with him. When he had left her home a week ago, he was drained. Emotionally and physically.
It hadn’t been easy for either of them, taking that first step, opening the lid on the past, freeing all the hurt...remembering. But it was necessary for healing. Since that day, they had prayed together every morning over the phone. Like peas and carrots. Every day, the boulder on his chest eased, and he hoped that was the case with his friend.
Glancing at his cell phone, he could see it was 5:55 a.m. Ryder rushed to brush his teeth, knowing Cara would be calling in exactly five minutes for their morning prayer. While he brushed, he read the three words he had scrawled on a Post-it and placed on his bathroom mirror. Companionship. Comfort. That’s what he sought. One he found in Cara and the other in God.
Closure. That’s what he needed.
Today, his heart pounded thinking about a special favor he wanted to ask of Cara and hoped he wouldn’t lose courage.
For him, the task seemed daunting, but he knew Cara would be up for the challenge.
Just as he was rinsing his mouth, the phone rang. He wiped his mouth and rushed to answer. Seeing her name on his screen was like a shot of espresso. He bounded into his bedroom and plopped on the edge of his bed.
“I have a Scripture this morning,” she said once he had responded. “Jeremiah 29, verse 13, says, ‘And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.’”
Pulling up the Bible app on his phone, Ryder highlighted the verse. “What I like about this verse is that it uses the word shall. That means there is no doubt that it will happen.”
They took a few minutes to expound on the verse before they each prayed. When they were finished, Ryder cradled his phone to his ear, stood, and squared his shoulders. “Cara, before you go, I wanted to ask for your help with something.”
“What do you need?” she asked without hesitation.
He paced the room. “I—I...” Why was this so hard? Ryder thought of the little girl sleeping down the hall from him and knew he needed to push through.
“Take your time,” Cara said.
“I need help with Christmas,” he rushed out. “I want to give Gabby the holiday she wants, but I don’t know what to do. It might be asking a lot, but I’m hoping you would help me with it. I want to make a new memory. I want to see her smiling face.”
“I’d be glad to,” she squealed. “Oh, Ryder, I’m so glad you changed your mind. I think it’s really brave.” He could hear her clapping her hands, and despite his trepidation, he smiled. “I’m going to help you give Gabby a Christmas to remember.”
He just hoped it would be one he survived.