Jen dropped Carter off and took the long way through the school, hoping to get a glimpse of Madison. It had been two weeks since she’d—they’d—broken it off. Two weeks filled with the shit of her life and no one to really share it with. Her lawyer called mid-week to say that Rachel had signed the papers. The divorce was final, and the house was hers if she’d pay Rachel a dollar. That last part shocked her. She’d been prepared to pay half.
“A dollar? Did she say why?”
Her lawyer said, “No. But I’d recommend you cut a check as soon as possible.”
Now the house was hers, and she felt absolutely miserable. She hadn’t realized how integrated into her life Madison was until she wasn’t. Every day, she woke up, and for one moment, she’d feel all right, then reality would set in, and she’d be stuck with another day going through the motions.
The bagged lunch program was in full swing this semester, with several parents rotating the responsibility of housing and delivering lunches to the kids. A victim of her own efficiency, Jen had created a system that didn’t need her or Madison’s help. Still, she started to time visits to the school when the chance of overlap would be high, the urge to see Madison so great. She couldn’t bring herself to text or call, but she’d managed to convince herself that she was still respecting Madison’s boundaries if she accidentally bumped into her at school. The cruel irony was, she saw Shawn more instead.
She left school with no sightings and, feeling sorry for herself, called in sick to work. She drove over to Olneyville and pulled into Nat’s garage.
Nat was standing under the hydraulic lift with her hands buried in the undercarriage of an Aston Martin. Jen leaned against the wall and watched her work without a word of greeting.
Nat spoke without looking her way or stopping. “Are you just going to stand there all day?”
Loath to get rid of the silence and yet eager for the companionship, Jen sighed and pushed off the wall. “I was thinking about heading to the shore to do some surf casting.”
Nat pulled her hands away from her work and wiped them on the rag hanging out of her back pocket. She hitched an eyebrow. “Awfully cold day for it. No work?”
Jen grinned. “No work.”
“Forecast calls for snow.”
Jen shrugged. “Then I leave.”
Nat searched her as if for the meaning behind the words. “What happened?”
Her question punched through her shields and scored a direct hit at Jen’s heart. Shoving a fist against her mouth, she held in her tears. “She left me.”
“Oh.” Nat walked over. “I’m sorry. What did you do?” She said it without malice, but the implication that it was somehow Jen’s fault hit her hard.
She sank to the floor and choked on her tears. “Nothing. Everything.”
Nat followed her, their knees touching.
“Why do you think it’s my fault?”
“I didn’t say that.”
Jen stared at her, surprised that she’d deny it so quickly. “What did you do?”
Nat moved her head side to side. “Well, when you say it like that, it does sound like your fault. But that’s not how I meant it. Tell me what happened.”
And she did.
Everything that happened, including the divorce.
Nat’s only comment came at the end. “She’s right.”
“Rachel?”
Nat made a face. “No. Madison.”
“About what?”
“Taking care of her.”
Those words stirred up the anger and hurt she’d felt the first time she’d heard them. “I do. I did take care of her.”
Nat leveled a look at her. “But did she need you to?”
Jen opened her mouth, but no words came out.
Nat shook her head. “You spend all your time making sure everyone is taken care of that you don’t pay attention to what’s happening inside you.”
“But I thought you said I should be careful with her?” She racked her brain trying to figure out Nat’s angle in all this.
“I did. But that was for your sake and not hers. She’s not the one who needs to be rescued. You are.”
My track record’s a little damaged.
But you’re not.
And that’s what it boiled down to. She took care of things so she wouldn’t have to take care of herself. Madison had seen right through her act and had called her on it.
“I’m just saying, if you want her back, you need to show her that she’s your equal and not another responsibility.”
Jen took a deep breath and wiped her tears away. Nat waited until she had pulled herself together before patting her on the knee and getting up. She hauled herself up and brushed her hands on her pants. She felt hollow inside but better, like the first good day after a long illness.
With a tilt of her head, Nat said, “I can’t go today, but this Sunday I’ve got time.”
Jen nodded. “I’m going to head out anyway.”
Nat went back to work, and Jen went to the back room to gather her gear. When she came back out, Nat had already attached the rack to her roof and held out her hand for her pole.
“I’m glad she signed the papers. I never liked her.”
She’d always assumed that Nat’s personal distance had to do with her own innate need for solitude and not because of the company Jen kept. “Why didn’t you say something?”
She shrugged. “You weren’t ready to hear it.” She tugged on the fasteners and stepped back. “Keep the gear if you want, but text me when you get home so I know you’re okay.”
Jen gave Nat a brief hug and headed down to the south shore. She wasn’t expecting to catch much; both the time of day and year conspired against her. But as she cast her line into the surf and started reeling it back in the cold January sun, she felt the peace that the action and the ocean gave her. A sea otter’s head bobbed along the waves, indicating that the sea bass she was looking for were out there. She got a pull on the line and tugged. It tugged back. She reeled it in slow and steady and pulled in an empty line.
She checked her lure—the one that Madison had given her for Christmas—and cast back again. While she tracked the oncoming storm, her mind replayed the last few months. She’d tried so hard to fit into the molds she’d created. Good wife, good parent, good employee, that she’d forgotten what she wanted in life.
All this time, she’d thought it was Rachel holding her back. And in some ways, it was. But really, it was her own grief at the dissolution of their family. She was holding them together and not letting any of them grow. Carter needed to establish his own life with Rachel. Rachel had always been a capable parent, but Jen had interfered and put her own stamp on all their interactions together. She needed to back off. Carter had already accepted the split and was done living his life in one house.
As much as she railed about the nesting agreement, it was her who had been afraid to let go of that. It would mean that the relationship was truly over, and she had failed to make it work. And that was the real kicker for her. Failure. She’d failed to fix her marriage.
Her mother had always wanted her a certain way, and even though she’d loved Rachel, Rachel had been her mother’s wish for Jen. Madison was her own choice for her own self, independent of expectations and obligations. What was she afraid of? Not that she’d say no but that she’d say yes. Yes to a lifetime together to the ups and downs that she’d always thought she’d share with Rachel but never had.
Madison was the first person to see her as she was, not who she could be. She didn’t know she needed that until Madison came, and now that she wanted it, it was gone. If she’d been the cause of their breakup, she could have salvaged it and made it work. She always had. But it was Madison who’d pulled the plug, and there was no going back from that.
She lost track of how many times she’d thrown the line and reeled it back in as the snow started to fall. She quickly packed up and headed to the parking lot, alone and empty-handed.