Madison tracked a particularly rowdy group of boys and another set of girls. The edges of their play touched but didn’t cross over. Carter and Del sat together on the ground between the two groups. It was the second week back at school, and the kids hadn’t settled down yet from their winter break.
She’d been hoping to catch sight of Jen at pickup or drop-off, but so far, she’d missed her. She didn’t want to call or text, afraid that Jen would just ghost her. For some reason, not knowing how Jen would react versus having it confirmed seemed easier to cope with. If she could just catch a glimpse or speak to her, however briefly, she could decide if it was worth the risk. And there were plenty of risks.
She’d had a lot of time for introspection over the holidays. Her mother had been right. Seeing Erika again had reopened all her failed relationships, and she’d gone over and over them trying to figure out how and why they ended, and she kept coming up with the same answer. It was always her. She ended it before it could get too serious. She wasn’t afraid of being alone; she just didn’t want to be left. And that fear had made her world very small.
Lost in thought, she heard shouts, and then one of the boys pushed another into Del. Del stood and swung.
Things escalated quickly, and by the time she got over there, Carter was already on top of another kid, arms swinging. Madison reached into the middle. She hauled him back just as he was swinging, and he clocked her in the face. She staggered back at his yowl of pain while her own mouth started to throb. Carter dropped to the ground and curled up around his hand.
She followed him down. “Are you okay? Where’s it hurt?”
He cradled his hand in his lap, tears streaming down his cheeks. More teachers arrived, rounded up the perpetrators, and dispersed the crowd. She got to her feet, using her body to shield Carter from the group. She scanned the adults and waved Eamon over. “I need to take him to the nurse. Can you—”
As he got closer, Eamon’s eyes went wide. He pointed at her face. “Are you okay?”
Madison tilted her head and touched her fingers to her lips. They came away red. She grimaced. “Yeah, I’m fine. Help me with him.”
Heading back into the building, she could feel her lip starting to swell. Carter whimpered when the nurse touched his hand. “We should get this checked out.” She made eye contact with him. “You need X-rays, honey. I’m going to call your parents.”
Carter shifted and said, “Please don’t. She’s going to be mad.”
The nurse paused. “She needs to know what’s going on, Carter.”
He pointed to Madison. “She can tell her.”
The nurse turned and cocked an eyebrow. “It’s up to you.”
The last time she’d spoke with Jen had been to break up with her. As much as she wanted to talk to her again, she wasn’t sure what kind of reception she’d get, and she was not looking forward to that cold, professional tone. Carter’s whole face pleaded with her, and her resolve crumbled.
“She’s not going to be mad at you. She might be worried, and she might be upset you used your fists instead of your words. But she’s not going to be mad. She loves you.”
She started to pull away, but Carter called her back. “I’m sorry I hit you.”
She knelt without touching him and said, “I know. I’ll be right back.”
His voice trembled. “Will you stay with me if she’s angry?”
Her heart went out to him, and she said, “Of course. Even if she isn’t.”
She didn’t have to be with Jen to be there for him. Even though Madison was willing to admit that she wanted to be there for Jen as well.
* * *
Jen’s cell rang in the middle of her staff retreat. Her boss glared at the intrusion. She glanced at the number and ducked out of the conference room. “Madison?” It was the first time they’d spoken since Madison had called it off. Her stomach dropped. She could think of only one reason she’d call in the middle of a school day. Carter. “What’s wrong?”
“Carter’s okay, but we’d like to take him to the ER.”
Thoughts of broken bones and unexpected seizures appeared in her head. “What? What happened?”
“He got in a fight with a couple classmates. His hand is swollen. We’re not sure if it’s broken.”
Madison filled her in as Jen walked back into the room to pack up. She scribbled a note and passed it to her boss. She didn’t even bother waiting for his reaction. If he had an issue with her leaving, he could fuck right off.
“Over what?” Her son had never been in a physical fight. His karate teacher had drilled the idea that an actual fight was a last resort, and he believed it.
“I think some words were spoken. I suspect transphobic because Del threw the first punch. Carter just backed him up.”
Jen suppressed a smile. Now that sounded like her son. She hit the button to the elevator and asked, “Can you stay with him? At the hospital? I’m in New York City.” Her car was in Providence, three hours away. “I need to get to Penn Station. Can I call you back?”
She stepped out in the street and pulled up her train app. She’d just missed one heading east and needed to haul ass eight blocks to catch the next one. She considered catching a cab but didn’t think it would get her there any faster. She hurried through the streets, switching her ticket on route. She just made the last call for the next train and slipped into the mostly empty business class cabin. Taking off her backpack, she leaned against the seat and closed her eyes. The adrenaline rush was crashing, leaving her cold and shaky. Of all the days to have something happen, she had to be three hours away.
Taking a deep breath, she called Madison back. “How’s he doing?”
“Good. We’re at the ER and waiting for the doctor.”
“Can I talk to him?”
“Sure.” She heard the phone being passed over.
“Hi, Mom.” His voice said he knew he was in trouble.
She spoke gently. “How are you feeling?”
“It hurts.”
“I know, baby. Are you okay with Madison being there? I could get Aunt Elizabeth.”
“No. I’m good. She’s good.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
Carter shared more details until he said, “I gotta go,” and handed the phone back.
“Jen?” The business tone was gone, and Madison spoke in a softer voice. One Jen hadn’t heard for almost a month and had missed every day since.
She swallowed her sadness and said, “I’m here.”
“How are you doing?”
“Wishing I wasn’t stuck on a fucking train.” She glanced around, realizing how loud she’d been.
“It’s going to be okay. I’ve got him.”
There were so many words she wanted to say, but all that came out was, “Thank you.”
“I can take him home after this. What time will you be back?”
“Around six. But I can call my sister if you need to go home.”
“Do you want me to go home?”
“No!” That came out more emphatic than she meant it to. “I mean no, not unless you want to go home.” Why the fuck was she so wishy-washy? She blew out a breath and finally said what she meant. “I want you there. I trust you with him.”
There was a slight intake of breath, and then Madison said, “Thank you.”
Silence hung between them while Jen struggled for something more to say. She didn’t want to break the fragile connection they’d just made.
“I should go. There’re taking him to X-ray now, and I should pay attention for you.”
“Right. Let me know what happens. And thank you again.”
“See you soon.”
While she waited to hear back, she called Rachel and filled her in. Rachel responded appropriately, even offering to come home.
“I don’t think that’s necessary.”
“Well, I’m here if you need me.” Carter might, but Jen didn’t.
“Thanks. I’ll let you know what happens.”
Forty minutes later, Jen breathed a sigh of relief when Madison texted.
Just a sprain. Getting discharged soon.
Despite leaving on time, the train stopped for an hour and a half on the tracks, and it was almost nine by the time she walked into her house. Most of the lights were off. Only a small set of track lights in the kitchen and the foyer were on. The living room glowed blue from the television, and two figures were curled up on opposite ends of the couch, fast asleep.
Her heart softened, and she sighed. Nat was right. She had needed to be rescued. When she’d first met Madison, she’d been trapped in a web of responsibilities that had all but drowned her. Each step with Madison had helped her recognize those ties. She’d never be free of them, but she could choose how they affected her.
* * *
Madison woke up, her lip swollen and sore, before she saw Jen standing in the doorway, lit from behind. She didn’t mean to fall asleep. Stifling a yawn, she shifted her body, and Carter stirred. “Mom?”
Madison rubbed her hand against his hand and whispered, “She’s here.”
Jen walked in and knelt next to her sleepy son. “Hey, honey. How’re you doing?”
Carter yawned. “Mmm. Okay. Sleepy.”
Jen kissed his forehead and then scooped him up in her arms. She groaned and put him back down. “Shit. He’s really too big for this.”
Carter plopped back on the couch, and Jen nudged him. “Come on, buddy. Let’s go upstairs.”
They steadied him and led him up the stairs and to his bedroom. Not sure if she was needed, Madison hung by the door and watched Jen tuck him into bed. She waited as Jen sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing his forehead until his breath evened out. Madison turned, expecting Jen to follow, but she didn’t.
Jen sat with her head bowed and her shoulders slumped. Nothing had changed between them. They still hadn’t talked, but Madison’s heart went out to her. Jen looked so defeated that she covered the room in two steps and pulled her into a hug.
Jen sagged against her, and Madison could feel tears on her neck. She’d never felt more vital and needed than in this moment with Jen. All this time, she’d been looking for always, and she’d missed right now. She’d been looking for declarations and gestures when all along, Jen was communicating through the quiet moments to her.
With a sniff, Jen finally pulled away, and Madison helped her to her feet. She quietly closed the door and led Jen into the hallway. She let go of her hand, not sure where they stood and not wanting to push her luck. Jen might have let her comfort her in the dark, but that was not a license for something more.
In the dim light, Madison could just barely see her face. “You must be exhausted.”
Jen murmured her agreement but said, “And hungry.”
“Come on. There are leftovers in the fridge.”
Downstairs, Jen moved toward the fridge, but Madison put her hand on her shoulder. “Sit. I’ve got it.”
Not bothering to switch on the lights, she gathered the chicken and rice she’d made for Carter and herself a few hours ago. She fixed a plate and put it in the microwave.
“You don’t have to do this.”
She glanced up. Jen sat with her head propped in her hand and with a slight smile and a curious expression. “I don’t mind. You’ve had a long day, and someone should look after you.” She spoke without thinking. After all her insistence on not wanting to be rescued, here she was doing it to Jen. Her face burned, and she started to backtrack. “I know things have been tense between us, and I didn’t mean to imply that you couldn’t. If you want me to go—”
The microwave dinged, and she set the plate down in front of her. Unable to keep from looking, she was caught by Jen’s gentle expression.
Jen stood, her chair scraping along the floor, and grabbed her hand. “I don’t want you to go anywhere.”
Madison turned. Jen gasped and flipped on the overhead lights. “Did Carter do that?”
Madison reached up and touched the cut. “What? Oh, yeah, but not on purpose. I got caught in the fray.”
Jen brushed Madison’s fingers aside and moved closer. She traced the cut’s contours, the edges still raw. “Does it hurt?”
Madison shook her head, closing her eyes at the gentle touch. “Not really.”
Jen pursed her lips and looked like she might say something more, but instead she guided them back to the island. Relieved and nervous, Madison sat next to her and watched her eat.
“Mmm. This is good. Thank you.” In between bites, she asked, “How was he?”
“Tired. Worried. He did really well at the ER, but he’s scared about how you’ll react.”
She sighed. “I bet. I got a message from Kathleen. Two days suspension. Were you there? Did you see anything?”
Madison filled her in on the details, omitting names, but Jen pressed her.
“Did he say anything else?”
“Not much. Mainly, he was concerned about your reaction.”
Jen took her last bite and leaned back.
Madison grabbed the plate, but Jen put her hand on its edge. “I’ve got it. You don’t have to clean up after me.”
Madison let go and moved back. “Just how much trouble is he in?”
Jen shrugged and stood. She poured herself a glass of water and offered one to Madison. “I’m not sure. I don’t want to encourage him, but sometimes, you need to stand up to bullies and bigots.”
“I’ve got a couple books that might help.” She felt slightly awkward offering Jen parental advice, but it was actually part of her professional wheelhouse.
Leaning against the sink, Jen smiled. Her whole face reflected her gratitude. “That would be really nice. I’m a little out of my depth these last two years. And Rachel is no help.”
“You’re doing a great job.”
“It doesn’t feel like it. I just can’t seem to get ahead of anything. Carter, my job—” She stopped, and Madison knew what she was going to say.
“Me.”
“You.” Jen folded her arms. “I’m not trying to rescue you.”
This conversation had been simmering beneath the surface since Jen had come home. This was it. If Madison left now, they’d never have another moment like this. “I was wrong.”
Jen raised an eyebrow. “About?”
Madison chuckled. “Everything. You, Erika, me. I thought if I really mattered to you, you’d fight for me. And you didn’t.”
Jen sputtered. “You told me you needed space. I’m not going to chase you down.”
She held up her hands in surrender. “I know that.” Smiling, she shook her head. “Now.”
The track lights cast half of Jen’s face in shadow, making her expression hard to read. “I thought we were done.”
Madison stood and moved closer. Jen’s eyes burned in the darkness. She’d been selfish and rash, not understanding just how much Jen had opened up her life for her. “I’m sorry I gave up on us too soon. I gave up on you.”
Jen locked eyes with her and held her there. “If this is going to work, you need to talk to me. You can’t just run away.”
Hope swelled up inside Madison, and she reached out for Jen. “And you. You can’t just take care of it. Fix everything. Let me help you.”
Jen wiped the corners of her eyes. “I know. I’ll try.”
“That’s all I ask.” She pulled Jen toward her.
“Don’t give up on me,” Jen whispered fiercely.
Madison held her. “I won’t.”