Gemma watched Finn crawl around on the grass in Wendy’s backyard as the two women sat and enjoyed a rare quiet moment together. It was Sunday afternoon; Wendy had the day off, and Gemma shut the cafe at one on weekends.
‘Sounds like he took it better than I expected,’ Wendy said, sipping her coffee.
‘I guess. It probably helped that he’d taken most of his aggression out on Ben before he came over,’ Gemma told her dryly, watching as Finn kicked his legs and gurgled to himself.
‘That particular storm has been brewing for a long time. I’m surprised it’s taken this long to finally come to a head.’
‘They must have loved her an awful lot,’ said Gemma.
‘Who?’
‘Nash and Ben. They must have both really loved Kim to still be so angry after all this time.’
‘I don’t think it’s about that. Kim was a lovely girl. It was very sad, and a terrible waste of a young life,’ said Wendy, staring off into the distance. ‘But I don’t think it’s love for her that keeps those two hating each other. They were all teenagers. Nash and Ben had spent most of their lives fighting over one thing or the other. Kim was just the latest thing to get between them. Nope, those boys have been letting that night fester inside them for years. Both of them feel guilt. On the surface of it, Ben was the guilty party, and he paid dearly for it. He went to jail and served his time. I know some people around here think he got off too lightly, but I’m not so sure. They were kids. I have boys that age now and they do things all the time without stopping to think them through. I can’t bear to imagine one of my boys making one stupid mistake at eighteen and paying for it for the rest of his life.’
‘I guess Kim’s parents wonder why he should get to have a life when their daughter won’t,’ said Gemma. She could see both sides with painful clarity.
‘If he’d also died then he wouldn’t. But he didn’t die in the crash. I guess my point is that he was a teenager, and teenagers’ brains don’t work like an adult’s. I’m not excusing the choice he made. He should have known better than to drive after he’d been drinking. But it was one of those stupid, stupid decisions that an eighteen-year-old kid makes. I just don’t think it’s black and white when it comes to teenagers. And so they’ve come full circle with you.’
Gemma frowned at that. ‘I suppose Ben enjoyed getting on Nash’s nerves by being my friend. But Nash and I . . .’ She paused. ‘I don’t know what we are now.’
‘You need to give him some time to get used to the fact that he has a son.’
Gemma shrugged, her gaze on Finn. ‘I’ve got time. I’m not planning on going anywhere.’
‘He’ll come around, you’ll see,’ Wendy said comfortingly. ‘Things will work out.’
Gemma shook her head. ‘I didn’t come back for Nash. I came back for Finn. We couldn’t go back to the way it was before. It’s been too long. We’re both different now.’
‘Rubbish. You may be able to lie to yourself, but it’s clear to me that nothing has changed that much. He still loves you. He never stopped.’
‘He did a pretty good impersonation of someone who fell out of love, the day I left.’
‘I think he’s convinced himself he was doing you a favour.’
Gemma laughed shortly. ‘Nash was doing what he thought was right for Nash. He pushed me away before I could do anything to hurt him.’
‘Pride’s a pretty big thing around here. Sometimes that’s all a person has left when Mother Nature’s taken everything else. Sometimes they hide behind pride, out of habit.’
Gemma was sure Wendy was getting her hopes up over nothing. She was fairly sure Nash wasn’t thinking about anything other than his new role as a father.
Nash couldn’t concentrate. He was meant to be nailing a loose wire to a fence post, a simple enough job, but he swore as he hit his thumb for the fifth time that morning. It had been three weeks since he’d suddenly discovered he was a father. Three of the most confusing weeks of his life. His emotions had gone haywire: one minute he was walking around in a daze, the next he’d be grinning like a damn idiot when he pictured the little smiling face that greeted him each visit. Then he was plagued by insecurities: what the hell did he know about being a father? What if he did something wrong, messed up in some way?
He’d been dropping in to Gemma’s most afternoons, spending time getting to know his son. Gemma usually made herself scarce to give them time alone. He both appreciated and hated it. He knew she was trying to be fair to him, give him and Finn a chance to get to know each other, but he liked it more when they were all together. That confused him as well. He found himself thinking about it as he worked. He didn’t understand what Gemma wanted. She’d returned to Bingorra, brought his son out to be close to him, and yet she kept her distance.
He frowned and brought the hammer down hard on the nail as he recalled the sight of Henderson laughing with her that afternoon when he’d first learned about Finn. They’d looked close, and he suspected that Ben would like to be a hell of a lot closer to Gemma. But Nash hadn’t seen him since the afternoon at the pub, and so far he’d never seen any sign of him at Gemma’s place.
He knew he had a lot to make up to Gemma after pushing her away in the first place, but he was terrified that if he made the wrong move it would ruin this fragile truce they had made. He hated that she’d been in Sydney this whole time alone, having his baby. That stung more than anything. At first the thought of the time he’d wasted when he could have been involved in Finn’s life made him angry. But after the initial shock wore off, he began to see things from her point of view. Maybe she hadn’t tried hard enough to get hold of him, but given his treatment of her, he couldn’t really blame her. She’d never know how hard it had been for him not to contact her or how many times he’d dialled her number only to hang up before it began ringing.
He’d thought he was doing her a favour. He gritted his teeth as he slammed another nail in. The truth was he’d been protecting himself, and he’d almost paid the ultimate price for it. If Gemma hadn’t come to Bingorra, he might never have known he had a son at all. She could have married someone else and moved on with her life, and his son would have been brought up by another man. The fact that that thought felt like a punch to the stomach made him realise how much his world had changed in just a few short weeks. One tiny baby now had the power to drop him to his knees. His baby. Their baby.
He stopped hammering and looked across the paddock, lost in thought. Somehow he had to win Gemma back. He wanted a family—his family—and he’d do whatever it took to fix what he’d all but destroyed by sending her away.
Gemma turned off the road and into the driveway to Dunoon. Memories filled her mind as she forced herself to focus on the dirt track. ‘This is where silly Aunty Jazz brought Mummy on a working holiday,’ she said, glancing into the mirror at the small face of her son, who was staring out the window, his eyes wide. ‘Look, Finn, can you see the cow?’
A bubble of excitement began to float in her stomach as she neared the house. She hadn’t realised just how much she’d missed this place until now. Her time out here had changed her life forever in so many ways.
As she drew in beside the house, Nash came out of the shed, wiping his hands on a rag before throwing it into the back of the work ute. A smile spread across his face as he walked towards them, and her stomach flipped over. She remembered when his brooding looks had been enough to turn her knees to jelly, but when he smiled, the man was lethal.
The whole drive out, Gemma had been telling herself to be calm and courteous and nothing more. She was not going to put her son in the middle of something that had gone so badly wrong last time. That wasn’t fair to Finn. She and Nash needed to remain on purely friendly terms. No sex, no strings, no emotions. Just two mature adults who both loved their child.
The minute the car came to a stop, Nash had the door open and was unbuckling Finn from his baby seat. ‘Hey there, big fella. I’ve missed you.’
Gemma smiled a little at the sight of father and son grinning at each other. Nash’s big tanned hands gently cradled the small overall-clad bundle in his arms as Finn reached up chubby little hands and tugged inquisitively at the wide-brimmed hat.
Gemma reached into the back of the car to grab the nappy bag before shutting the door.
‘You remembered how to get here, then?’ Nash said, taking the bag from her and stepping back to allow her to go ahead of him.
‘It hasn’t been that long since I was here.’
‘Feels like forever,’ he said quietly, and Gemma briefly met his steady gaze before turning away to head inside. It did feel like forever. It felt like a lifetime ago, and it was. It was from a life before she’d become a mother. Life before she’d grown up. Life before her heart had been broken by the man who walked behind her now, carrying their child in one strong arm.
Pushing open the screen door, Gemma inhaled the familiar scent of the old farmhouse. Her parents’ house with its ultramodern furnishings and scented candles and bamboo sticks always smelled like a homeware store. By contrast, this old place smelled comfortable and lived-in, and had a welcoming feel to it, like a warm hug from an old friend. Today, too, there was a scent of something else in the air, something delicious that had her mouth watering.
Gemma’s gaze slid across to the kitchen table set with a tablecloth and cutlery, a vase of flowers sitting in the centre. The kitchen was tidy, not a dirty plate or coffee cup to be seen anywhere, so different to the first day she’d walked in here.
‘I’ve become a bit more domesticated,’ Nash said with a crooked grin as he watched her surveying the room.
‘So I see.’
‘I put on a roast.’ He dropped the nappy bag on the floor and walked across the kitchen to open the oven door and peek inside. ‘Should be another half hour or so.’
‘I’m impressed,’ Gemma admitted as she watched him cross back towards her, Finn balanced expertly on his hip. His grin was infectious and they stood for a moment sharing a smile, until Finn became restless and Gemma reached for him. ‘I might give him something to eat first, he’s hungry.’
‘Make yourself at home.’ Nash passed the baby across to her but didn’t step back. Gemma looked up and swallowed nervously at the look she saw in his eyes. She’d almost forgotten the dark, smouldering intensity of his gaze and the power it had to make her knees go weak. Only now there was something more. Something deeper. Beyond the hunger there was something else, something more serious, a promise.
Gemma moved Finn to her hip and stepped away. She lifted the bag by her feet to the benchtop, then withdrew a small container of puréed fruit. Nash moved around the bench and brought out a highchair, unfolding it.
‘You bought a highchair?’ Gemma asked, surprised.
‘Wendy gave me a heap of baby stuff. I set up one of the bedrooms as a nursery. It’s just the basics, but if there’s anything you need, I can get it.’
Gemma wasn’t sure what to say. He’d obviously gone to a lot of trouble to set up his house for a small child, and it touched her deeply. He was being so incredibly generous about the whole thing. He could just as easily have brought in lawyers and court orders and made her give him complete access if he’d really wanted to, but he hadn’t. ‘I’m sure what you’ve got will be just fine. Thanks.’
Her reply seemed to set him at ease; he stopped shuffling his feet and smiled again. Gemma busied herself feeding Finn in his highchair while Nash moved around the kitchen like a pro, stirring gravy and chopping veggies. Gemma smiled to herself at how homey the whole situation felt. Everything would have been perfect if she could just ignore that prickling sensation of awareness that flowed between them. The only thing that could mess up this situation now would be if one of them did something stupid . . . like acted on it.
Dinner hadn’t been as uncomfortable as she’d expected; in fact, it was almost like old times. Nash talked about the farm and filled her in on the local gossip she’d missed since she’d been gone and Gemma told him stories about some of the regulars that stopped by at the cafe. By the end of dinner, though, Finn was ready for bed, and Gemma began packing up their things to leave.
Nash stroked his grizzling son’s head gently. ‘Why don’t you stay?’ he said quietly. Gemma looked up in surprise and he went on, ‘It’s a bit of a drive back to town and I hate thinking of you trying to drive with him crying in the back. And this has been . . . nice. Don’t go yet.’
‘I don’t—’ Gemma started, but Nash quickly cut in.
‘Your room’s still there for you to use if you want and Finn would be right next door so you’ll hear him if he cries,’ he said calmly. ‘I’ve been thinking . . . I know you don’t want him to stay out here alone, but I thought maybe you could come out with him and stay . . . like on a weekend or something.’
Although Gemma knew she should just decline politely but firmly and drive away, her heart had jumped at his suggestion that she stay the night, and she felt the rush of something suspiciously like excitement. She’d enjoyed spending the afternoon and evening out here, and it would be a taxing drive back into town at night with a tired, irritable child in the back. ‘I’d have to leave early in the morning to open the shop in time,’ she hedged. She wouldn’t need an alarm out here, Nash would be up before sunrise. But more than anything it was the look on Nash’s face that made her accept his offer, that new, surprising mix of hope and vulnerability.
Any final twinges of uncertainty were washed away by his delighted smile when she agreed. Gemma turned away quickly from the look in his eyes. She had a feeling she was fighting a losing battle with herself. Deep down, she knew she was kidding herself if she thought she could remain immune to this man forever. She just wished she could trust that the risk would be worth it.
Nash hovered by the doorway of the nursery as she began to dress Finn after his bath. ‘Can I do it?’ he asked tentatively.
Gemma’s first impulse was to say no, but then she realised she needed to step back and let him help more. This is why you came out here, remember, she told herself.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d want to do the nappy thing.’ She stood back awkwardly. ‘Do you want me to show you how?’
‘Nah, I’ve got it,’ he said, stepping into her place at the foot of the change table, sliding a disposable nappy under Finn’s backside and quickly securing the tabs on either side. He glanced up with a look of pride on his face and her eyes narrowed.
‘How did you know how to do that?’ On her first attempt, in hospital, she’d put the nappy on upside down, and it had definitely taken more than one attempt to perfect.
Nash looked offended. ‘Gem, I drive high-tech machinery for a living. I analyse the weather and soil, I think I can manage putting a nappy on a kid.’
‘You got help,’ she said, her eyes suddenly widening. ‘You googled it, didn’t you?’ she crowed, and when he blushed she knew she had him. ‘Ha!’
‘What, you think you’re the only one who can fake your way through something?’
Gemma continued to laugh. She’d have to call Jazz and tell her about this.
‘Well, it worked, didn’t it?’ he said in a huffy tone.
With difficulty, Gemma forced her face back into a serious expression, clearing her throat.
‘Shut up,’ he muttered, going back to dressing his son.
‘You shut up,’ she said, pushing his arm.
‘See what Mummy’s doing? We don’t disrespect Daddy, do we, Finn?’
‘Pfft,’ Gemma said, her smile breaking through again as she watched the scene before her. If you didn’t know any better they looked like a happy little family. As Nash’s head bent close to Finn’s she had to blink away a sudden sheen of moisture from her eyes.
Later, as they stood silently beside the cot looking down at Finn, now fast asleep, she felt Nash’s hand reach for her own and then hold it. Gemma turned to look at him and caught her breath. She wasn’t sure who moved first, but suddenly his face was close to hers and his other hand came up and gently cupped the back of her head as their lips met and clung. At the first touch she knew she was lost. It was a deep, slow kiss, as both of them savoured the other, clinging and devouring, reluctant to let go. When they eventually pulled apart, they were both breathing unevenly.
Gemma searched the eyes before her, those brown eyes with green flecks that she’d seen too many times in her dreams. Her whole body craved his touch, but her brain was yelling at her to stop now, before there was no turning back. Resisting all her instincts, she stepped away, fighting to get her breathing and thoughts back under control. Nash reluctantly released her hand, letting her move back towards the doorway.
Gemma stood leaning against the verandah post, her arms wrapped around her. God, she’d missed this, she thought as she looked out over the darkened paddocks. It was so quiet. So peaceful.
She heard the squeak of the screen door opening and then felt Nash come to stand behind her. She didn’t turn around or acknowledge him, but her body had reacted immediately and was attuned to his, waiting for the moment when he touched her. She pushed away the stupid thought and frowned into the shadows. Not. Helping, she told herself angrily.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said at last.
Gemma shook her head slightly. ‘It was my fault.’
He gave a loud, aggravated sigh and she could imagine him running a hand through his hair as he usually did when he was frustrated about something. ‘I don’t get it, Gem,’ he said. ‘I can’t see what would be the problem if we acted on what we’re both feeling.’
‘It’s complicated, Nash. There’s Finn to think about now. It’s not just about us anymore.’
‘It’s got nothing to do with Finn and everything to do with us,’ he countered impatiently. He took a step closer and turned her so she had no choice but to meet his frowning gaze. ‘It’s still there. What we had before. It’s still there, as strong as ever.’
‘No, it’s not,’ Gemma said, hoping he couldn’t see her cheeks burning at the lie. ‘It’s just being back here like this. We’re confused.’
‘I’m a lot of things right now but confused sure as hell isn’t one of them,’ he growled.
‘We can’t just pick up where we left off. Things have changed. We’ve changed.’
‘Yeah, things have changed, but that doesn’t mean we can’t give it another try. We have a son now—’
‘Yes,’ Gemma interrupted. ‘We have a son now. And when you decide to send us packing again because you’re afraid that one day down the track we’ll leave you for some reason, I’ll have him to worry about.’
‘It’s not like that. Damn it, Gemma, are you going to hold that over my head forever?’ He let go of her arms and turned away, swearing as he threw his shoulder against the post beside her. ‘I made a mistake. I admit that. I acted like a complete arsehole, okay?’ Agitated, he pushed himself away from the post to stand in front of her once more. ‘But you’re the one who came back here. You decided to give me another chance. You can’t keep throwing the past in my face every time you get scared.’
Gemma tried to speak calmly. ‘I know what it felt like and I won’t let my son go through it.’
‘Our son,’ he said, raising his voice. ‘And I know exactly how bad it hurt you, because I went through it too. Every goddamn day you weren’t here, Gemma. I kicked myself for letting pride ruin the only good thing in my life. Every. Damn. Day.’
Gemma swallowed painfully past the lump in her throat as she saw the torment etched across his features.
‘It won’t happen again,’ he went on, with quiet conviction. ‘This time it’s different.’
Gemma wanted so badly to believe him. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself into his arms and let him promise her the world, but it was too soon. They needed more time to get to know each other again. They needed to make sure that her being back here was the right thing, for both of them and for their son.
‘Let’s just concentrate on Finn for now. I don’t want to confuse things with whatever’s going on between us.’
Nash bit his lip. ‘I’m not giving up on this, Gemma. You can try to deny it to yourself all you like, but I know that what we had is still there. I’m a patient man, I’ll wait until you accept it too.’
He held her gaze until she turned away and said a hurried goodnight, slipping inside before her traitorous heart could override her brain. She would not rush this. She was a mother now, and she couldn’t afford to make a mistake that could affect her child as well. This was too important to mess up just because her libido was having a meltdown.
Gemma blinked awake, slowly moving her arm off her face. For a moment, looking around the dim room, she forgot where she was. Then she heard the far-off sound of a cow bellowing, and sat up quickly.
She listened for Finn but could hear nothing. She stepped out of bed and quickly dragged on her clothes from yesterday before heading down the hallway to check the nursery, finding the cot empty. There was no one in the kitchen either, so she pushed open the screen door to check outside.
She spotted Nash over by the fence; his back was towards her as he pointed to something in the distance. As she drew closer, she saw him cradling Finn in one arm, talking quietly. The sight made her heart contract. It looked so right.
He glanced up and caught sight of her. ‘Look who’s finally decided to get out of bed?’ he said to Finn, turning him to face her.
She flashed him a sardonic smile, but it melted into a genuine one the moment her gaze met the beaming face of her child. Was it wrong to think yours was the most beautiful baby on earth? She was pretty sure it wasn’t just maternal bias, either. Finn was gorgeous—he looked just like his father.
‘What have you two been up to?’
‘Just checking stuff out,’ said Nash, rocking his arm so Finn’s chubby little legs swung back and forth, making him grin. ‘He’s an early riser like his old man.’
‘Yes. He’s usually up bright and early. I must have overslept. Well, I guess we better get ready to go. I have to open the shop.’
Nash’s smile vanished instantly, and she felt bad for ruining the moment. ‘I don’t want you to.’
Seeing the pain in his face, Gemma decided to tell him the decision she’d made the night before. ‘I know I said I didn’t want Finn out here without me, but that was before I saw that you obviously know what you’re doing. You can have him to stay here whenever you want.’
Nash continued to hold her eyes with his own. ‘I want you both to stay. Permanently.’
‘Out here?’ She shook her head in confusion. ‘That wouldn’t work. I’ve got the cafe, and Finn goes to day care. We’re set up in a flat and the cafe’s starting to make money. I know you think you’re helping by offering us a place to stay, but honestly, we’re doing fine.’
Nash’s face twitched in frustration. ‘I’m not offering this to help you out. I want us to be a family. I want us to get married, Gemma.’
She stood frozen in front of him. She knew she should speak, but she couldn’t seem to form a single coherent sentence.
Nash looked down at the baby, who was gazing up at him. ‘Finn and I have been talking and we think it’s a great idea.’
‘I . . .’ She didn’t know what to say. While part of her wanted to scream ‘Yes!’, a small part of her stunned brain urged caution. She scrabbled for a rational response. ‘Look, you’ve had him out here and he’s been on his best behaviour, but it’s not always like this.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like a TV commercial for nappies or something.’ Gemma threw her hands up in the air. ‘What happens when you’re tired and cranky after working all day and he’s teething and irritable and I’ve had a long day at the cafe? What happens when all you want is your peace and quiet back?’
‘Do you hear yourself?’
‘Yes—do you? I know you think I’m being ridiculous, but I have to think about these things.’
‘Does any other new dad get a choice in this? No, they don’t. So why am I any different?’
‘Because you weren’t there from the beginning,’ she snapped, and instantly regretted it when she saw him flinch. ‘What I meant was, most new fathers get nine months to prepare.’
He looked back at her with a determined expression. ‘Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been thrown in the deep end. I’m serious, Gem, and I’m not taking it back. I want us to be a family. Just think about it.’
As Gemma drove back into town later that morning she did think about it. In fact, there was very little else she could think about.
She just wasn’t sure she could make that leap of faith so soon.
Glancing in the rear-view mirror at her son’s happy, trusting face, she felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of the decisions she was going to have to make. Every choice she made now would affect not only her and Nash, but also their son. Did she have a right to put her emotions first? Or should she ignore the concern she still had about Nash’s motivation behind his proposal in order to give her child a life with a complete family?