When it comes to sports I am not particularly interested. Generally speaking, I look upon them as dangerous and tiring activities performed by people with whom I share nothing except the right to trial by jury. It is not that I am totally indifferent to the joys of athletic effort—it is simply that my idea of what constitutes sport does not coincide with popularly held notions on the subject. There are a number of reasons for this, chief among them being that to me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.
There are, however, several contests in which I do engage and not, I might add, without a certain degree of competence. The following is by no means a complete list:
As you can see, these are largely urban activities and, as such, not ordinarily regarded with much respect by sports enthusiasts. Nevertheless, they all require skill, stamina, and courage. And they all have their penalties and their rewards.
There are many such activities and I, for one, feel that the time is ripe for them to receive proper recognition. I therefore propose that those in charge of the 1980 Olympic Games invite New York to participate as a separate entity. The New York team would be entered in only one contest, to be called the New York Decathlon. The New York Decathlon would consist of four events instead of the usual ten, since everyone in New York is very busy. It would further differ from the conventional decathlon in that each contestant would enter only one event, since in New York it pays to specialize. The four events would be Press Agentry, Dry Cleaning and Laundering, Party-going, and Dog-owning.
Traditionally the Olympic Games open with a torch-bearer followed by all the athletes marching around the stadium carrying flags. This will not be changed, but in 1980 the athletes will be followed by seventeen Checker cabs carrying the New York team. The first cabby in line will have his arm out the window and in his hand will be a torch. The passengers in this cab will be screaming at the cabby as sparks fly into the back seat. He will pretend not to hear them. When the parade concludes, the first cabby will fail to notice this immediately and he will be compelled to stop short. This will cause all the following cabs to run into each other. The cabbies will then spend the rest of the Olympics yelling at each other and writing things down in a threatening manner. The athletics teams will be forced to start the games even though this collision has occurred where it will cause the greatest inconvenience.
The two contestants enter the stadium from opposite sides, having first been assured by the referee that both sides are equally important. They kiss each other on both cheeks and turn smartly toward the crowd. They do not look past the first ten rows. They then seat themselves on facing Ultrasuede sofas and light cigarettes. Two moonlighting ball boys race in with coffee black, no sugar. The contestants pick up their ringing phones. Points awarded as follows:
Two fully equipped dry cleaning and laundering establishments are constructed in inconvenient areas of the stadium. Several innocent people enter each establishment. These people serve the same function in this event that the fox serves in a hunt. They place upon the counters piles of soiled clothing, receive little slips of colored paper, and leave. Points awarded as follows:
A room exactly half the size necessary is built in the center of the stadium. Too many contestants enter the room. Points awarded as follows:
There has been erected in the stadium an exact replica of a fifteen-block section of Greenwich Village. Twenty contestants leave buildings on the perimeter of this area, each walking three dogs who have not been out of the house all day. The object of the game is to be the first to get to the sidewalk directly in front of my building.
When all of the points are added up, the contestant with the greatest number of points enters the stadium. He is followed by the two contestants with the next greatest number of points. The two runners-up go off to one side with the referee. The referee takes out a stopwatch. Each runner-up has five minutes in which to explain in an entertaining manner why he did not receive the most points. Whichever runner-up is the more arrogant and convincing is presented with the gold medal. Because in New York it’s not whether you win or lose—it’s how you lay the blame.