ST. GARRETT THE PETULANT (died 1974): Patron of make-up artists, invoked against puffiness and uneven skin tone.
Garrett was born in Cleveland in 1955, or so he claimed. His father was a factory worker who took little interest in his pale, delicate son. His mother, a pious woman who supplemented the family income by selling cosmetics door-to-door, was perhaps Garrett’s earthly inspiration.
From the time he was a very small child Garrett exhibited an almost precocious generosity of spirit, and was constantly volunteering to do “at least the eyes” of those females with whom he came in contact. At the age of eleven, clad only in rayon, he walked forty-seven miles in a terrible blizzard in order to place in the deepest forest an offering of food for the woodland creatures. The site of this blessed action is now often visited by pilgrims from all over the world, and is known as Cherries in the Snow. It was also around this time that Garrett performed his first miracle by correcting the appearance of a local matron’s broad and fleshy nose without the visible use of contouring powder.
In the summer of his sixteenth year Garrett met a visiting New York stage actor in the Greyhound bus station, and it was through the kind offices of this man (whose own deep sense of humility has led him to request anonymity) that Garrett had his first great revlonation. Spent and trembling, he saw before him a large reflective surface surrounded by shining lights. He saw needful, begging eyes. He saw undefined cheekbones. He saw dry, parched lips. He saw an array of splendid colors. He saw his destiny.
Much inspired by Garrett’s way, the actor assisted him in his journey to the city of New York. Here Garrett performed his second miracle by purchasing and furnishing a lavish co-op apartment despite the fact that he had no visible means of support.
News quickly spread throughout the city that Garrett was capable of truly amazing transformations. Women who were the recipients of his attentions called him Blessed and he was soon Venerated by all those in the know.
Despite his exalted position Garrett practiced humility and was often to be seen in rough districts of the city behaving in a most submissive manner while performing low and menial services for others. Garrett was found martyred in the bedroom of his East Side penthouse apartment late one Sunday morning.
ST. AMANDA OF NEW YORK, SOUTHAMPTON AND PALM BEACH (died 1971; came out 1951): Patroness of the well-bred, is invoked against the “cut direct,” having to dip into capital and improper use of the word “home.”
The daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Morgan Hayes Birmingham IV of New York, Southampton and Palm Beach, Amanda was born at Doctors Hospital in New York on January 3, 1933. She made her debut at the Gotham Ball and was a graduate of The Convent of the Sacred Heart and Manhattanville College. Her paternal grandfather, Morgan Hayes Birmingham III, was a member of the New York Stock Exchange and the founder of the firm of Birmingham, Stevens and Ryan. She was a descendant of Colonel Thomas M. Hayes.
Almost from birth it was apparent that Amanda was blessed with an almost sublime sense of tact. During her baptism at St. Ignatius Loyola she was the very picture of infant dignity and neither cried nor wriggled, despite the fact that the attending priest was generally thought to be something of an arriviste. Her childhood was characterized by a nearly fanatical attention to detail, and notice was first taken of her miraculous powers when at the age of three there appeared, appropriately placed about the nursery, Lalique vases filled with perfectly arranged, out-of-season flowers. The second indication of these powers occurred when Amanda, a mere nine years old, managed to correct, while dutifully attending her French class in New York, an extraordinarily indelicate seating plan committed by her maternal grandmother’s social secretary in Hobe Sound.
Amanda’s martyrdom took place during a weekend house party when she knowingly allowed herself to be served, from the right, a salad containing wild mushrooms picked by her host, rather than strike an unpleasant note by refusing.
ST. WAYNE (died circa 1975): Patron of middle children, invoked against whatever’s left over.
Wayne was born two years after his brilliant and handsome brother Mike and three and a half years before his perfectly adorable sister Jane. Very little is remembered of his life and works, if any, and his canonization is the result of a unique mix-up in which Mike was made a saint twice and with typical generosity gave Wayne his extra sainthood.
ST. INGMAR-FRANÇOIS-JEAN-JONAS-ANDREW: Patron of graduate film students, invoked against going to the movies for fun, detractors of Stan Brakhage and disbelievers in the genius of John Ford.
St. Ingmar-François-Jean-Jonas-Andrew was born in a starkly lit delivery room in the kind of small American town that is all small American towns. From infancy he was astonishingly perceptive, and invariably saw layers of meaning not apparent to the average moviegoer. As early as his sixth birthday Ingmar-François-Jean-Jonas-Andrew displayed the remarkable dual tendency to overwrite and underexplain.
Among the many miracles to his credit are getting adults to actually attend a Jerry Lewis Film Festival and introducing a course at an accredited university entitled “The Philosophy of Busby Berkeley and Its Influence on Rainer Werner Fassbinder and Robert Bresson.”
Rather than martyr himself, St. Ingmar-François-Jean-Jonas-Andrew sent one of his students.