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It was after midnight. I sat on my balcony with a soda and a brand-new pack of cigarettes. I’d been sitting here for a while. I was thinking. I was thinking too much, to be honest. Tallahassee had a problem. Specifically, us. The FBI, NSA, DEA, and the SCTU were all in town working on different things. We’d released Amber’s picture to the media for some reason and tips were coming in by the thousands.
Yet, we hadn’t caught her. I heard the door on Gabriel’s balcony slide open and then Lucas’s head peaked out around the wall that separated our balconies.
“I knocked, you didn’t answer.” Lucas said.
“I was hoping you’d go away,” I responded.
“I won’t,” Lucas said and then grabbed onto my wall. There was theoretically a two-feet gap between the balconies, but every man in my life was apparently tall enough that this gap wasn’t an issue. I’d write an anonymous review about it later to let the hotel know their balconies weren’t secure.
“What are you doing?” Gabriel asked.
“I’m enjoying the night.” I answered.
“Lucas says he has to talk to you,” Gabriel said.
“Yes, yes, you people and your talks.” I responded a bit snippily. “Talk, talk, talk, make my life complicated.”
“Life was less complicated before you had friends, but was it better?” Gabriel asked. I was silent for several minutes as Lucas navigated his way onto my balcony. “Well, Cain?”
“No, it wasn’t better, Gabriel.” I rolled the ‘r’ in his name for some reason. I didn’t say anything out loud, but internally, I asked myself why and had no real answer. My life really had been simpler when Nyleena and Malachi were my only real friends. I hadn’t needed to worry about feelings, other people’s as well as whether I could muster up any myself. I’d been angrier and safer. I wouldn’t say I was happier, but in my screwed up way, I was happier.
“Go away Gabriel,” Lucas said as he took the chair next to me on the balcony.
“Sure thing,” Gabriel responded and then we heard his door close.
“West told you about Trevor.” Lucas made it a statement.
“Yes,” I answered needlessly. “Are you worried he’ll get hurt or are you afraid he’s stealing your thunder?”
“What?” Lucas gave me an unfriendly look.
“Trevor may have cracked one of the Zodiac codes. Fifty years of the most brilliant cryptographers in the country have been working on those codes and your husband cracked it. Are you angry because he cracked it or because West offered him a job, one he will obviously be good at.?”
“That’s deep coming from a psychopath.” Lucas snapped.
“Right?” I smiled at him. “I get it. You’re the macho one. You’re the alpha. You’re the one risking your neck to make the world a better place. Trevor is the guy who makes you happy, he’s where your home is. Now, he has the opportunity to be the guy who risks his neck making the world a better place. And you’re angry about it. You’re blaming West for even making the offer. Because you are afraid. I’m just not sure what exactly you’re afraid of. I need that part explained to me. Because from where I’m sitting, if Trevor really did crack a Zodiac code, the NSA needs him.”
“You ever worry you won’t be needed anymore?” Lucas asked in response.
“Every day.” I replied. “My last thought every night is what happens when they all find out I suck at this investigative stuff and the only reason I’m good at this job is because I don’t have to color between the lines.”
“Yeah,” Lucas said. “That’s the way I feel most of the time. I can throw around fancy words and seem important. But once I discovered that there was a real chance that Trevor had cracked that Zodiac code and the NSA wanted to hire him, I felt a crushing weight on me. I have looked at it from every direction I can think of and I cannot figure out why I’m not happy for Trevor. I should be.”
“Because you spend a lot of time with me.”
“What does that have to do with it?” Lucas asked, eyebrows raised.
“Before I came to this unit, you were the big dog when it came to the psychological mumble. But I can talk the talk and I can think like these monsters every bit as well as you. It dawned on me what the real problem was, when Peter told me he came to me because my opinion carried weight. It’s not about Trevor, not really. It’s about your insecurities.”
“Insecurities?” Lucas leaned forward a bit in his chair.
“It’s why you pump so much iron you look like The Hulk. We all forget that you are damaged goods, Lucas. You’re better adjusted than I am. You don’t have a personality disorder, but you’re damaged all the same. And that damage presents itself in insecurities.”
“That’s rich,” Lucas sniffed.
“But I’m right. The biggest, scariest motherfuckers on this planet are like that, because of their own insecurities. Malachi, you, me, Eric, Apex, we are all dealing with our own personal demons. Some of them were dealt to us by fate and some by genetics, but we all have them. Fate grabbed your life and stuck it in the blender and hit puree the moment your father and Xavier’s father met my father and me. And it wasn’t just you it fucked at that moment, it fucked Xavier and your parents and your brother as well. Because I would bet money that bullet in Xavier’s head was retribution against his father from the director of the FBI.”
“You have given this a lot of thought,” Lucas said.
“Lucas, I have been thinking about this since the moment you and Xavier explained why you were in my apartment in Seattle. I thought it would be fine. I have continually lied to myself and said ‘it’s fine,’ but even I knew it was a lie the first time the thought went through my head. And then all our lives continued to spin out of control, we free fell through hell and ended up on this balcony. And I know that I am at fault for most of it, but I can’t change it. If I could, I’d die instead of Callow.”
“You can’t blame yourself for what happened to my parents. My dad was an FBI agent Aislinn. The job has risks.”
“Just like our job has risks and being a code breaker for the NSA has risks. And it is okay to be afraid for Trevor, just as long as you don’t hold him back because of your fear.”
“Wow,” Lucas said after several poignant minutes of silence, during which time I smoked two entire cigarettes. “You’re right, I am afraid I will lose him to the job.”
“Imagine how he feels every time you tell him you’re going hunting.” I said.
“I have you, he doesn’t.”
“He has Peter West. He lives in an FGN. He will work from the central tower of the FGN. And if anyone ever harms a hair on his head, I will rip their fucking hearts out and we will all dine Aztec style.” I said.
“Beating heart and beans.” Lucas smiled at me.
“Yes.” I agreed. “And I bet being with me doesn’t make Trevor feel any better about your chances of returning.”
“It does, he’s told me so.”
“Then you should rest a little easier knowing that he has Peter. Peter isn’t scary like you or Malachi, but he’s very smart. He’s way smarter than the average bear. Although, he didn’t break a Zodiac code, so Trevor might be smarter than him. Hell, Trevor might be smarter than all of us.”
“It took him a couple of years, he’s been working on it since we met.” Lucas said.
“All the more reason for you to work on getting past your insecurities.”
“How do I do that?” Lucas asked.
“Beats me, I’m only good at helping reveal flaws, I can’t fix them.” I stared out over the lawn that surrounded the hotel. “You know, Trevor married you knowing you were a US Marshal working for the SCTU, didn’t he?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think he did it for your life insurance money, so he went into your marriage knowing how you felt about this job and what you’d endured during your life. He may see the job offer as a way to help you. How many weird puzzles have serial killers sent us? Trevor is good at puzzles and cryptography. His first thought was probably ‘I can use this job to help the SCTU and Lucas.’ Because he knows we’ve used NSA cryptographers in the past. And he is pretty selfless.”
“Except for the living Barbie thing.” Lucas said.
“Nope, even that is pretty selfless.”
“How so?”
“I just told you even I have insecurities.” I said. “Trevor helps me deal with them by picking out clothes for me, and planning manageable hairstyles and forcing me to do things I consider really girly, and he listens to me. He listens to my complaints and whining and tells me why I should do these things.”
“And that helps you?”
“It reminds me to be human. It forces me to try to connect with emotions beyond anger, rage, hate, and the calm. And it makes me feel better about myself. I don’t know why, but it does. His willingness to listen to me whine and complain and his willingness to spend that time with me, without any expectations upon me to be a girlfriend, a lover, or even a good friend in return, is something. It makes me feel like maybe I am sort of okay, maybe I’m not as broken as I think, not as horrible as I think, not responsible for the entire world.”
“I’m incapable of being selfless in return. There are days I wish I could be. You though, you are capable of being selfless, just like Trevor. Don’t push him away because you are afraid to give him what he gives you, unconditional support.”
“Moments like these, I forget your brilliant insight comes from being a psychopath.”
“You have to know a person to be able to manipulate them.” I sighed.
“There’s the reminder.” Lucas smiled wider. “Do you really believe our killer didn’t kill Durant or was that for Peter West’s benefit.”
“I really believe it. Our killer doesn’t use chainsaws.” I lit another cigarette. “Chainsaws are too quick and too messy. Our killer has a lot of rage to get out, hard to do that with a chainsaw. If they start using a sword, I would say it was ours, but not a chainsaw.”
“Hey, Ace,” Lucas stood up and stretched. “For the record, I don’t feel like I play second fiddle to you, even when you do talk the talk. I’ve never felt that. I know that you don’t feel like you sacrificed anything to get that insight, but Xavier and I feel like you did. We are both past our expiration dates as SCTU members. We also know that we are still here doing this job because you have taken a lot of bullets and blades for us.” Lucas gave me a hug. It was awkward, I’m not really a hugger and Lucas was standing while I continued to sit in my chair. “Trevor and I do have a favor to ask of you, though. Something we want you to think about. We’ve been putting it off because of the issues we’ve been having, but now that I know why we are having issues, it’s time we start thinking about it again.”
“Lucas, you know that I will do anything for you and Trevor. Name it and it shall be yours.”
“Yeah, you’re gonna want to think about this one.” Lucas pulled me to my feet and took my cigarette and put it out.
“What?” I asked.
“Would you be willing to donate your eggs to us?” Lucas asked in a rushed voice.
“I don’t eat eggs, I don’t think I have any.” I answered.
“No, Ace, your eggs, your female eggs. Trevor and I had been looking for a surrogate before you came into our lives. We were going to use his sister as a surrogate and her eggs, my sperm. We both want kids. Then you showed up and Trevor decided your eggs would be better than his sister’s. We’ve talked about it a lot, but if you don’t want to we will understand and we will continue with our original plan.”
“Lucas,” I stood and looked at the big man. There were tears in his eyes. “I’m a psychopath, a full blown psychopath. Regardless of which sperm gets used, the kid will have half the genes to end up as a psychopath. If you or he either one carries the other half, you could end up with a psychopathic child.”
“We know and we’ve been talking to your mom about what it’s like to have a psychopathic child. We would still prefer to take the risk with your genetics. But if you say no, that’s it, it’s done. We will never bring it up again.”
“Okay, you’re right, I am going to have to think about it.” I said. “I don’t doubt that you will both make great parents, I’m just not sure I want to pass my genes along to a child and hobble them right out of the gate.”
“Fair, just think about it. If you need a year or two to think about it, that’s fine. But really think about it, Aislinn. We actually think your genes are pretty great and should be passed along. Look at Cassie.”
“Yeah, but Kyle is showing some symptoms of psychopathology.”
“I know, but don’t let Kyle be what dissuades you. He’s a pre-teen, he may grow out of it, all teens and pre-teens have symptoms of psychopathy. What I’m getting at is if you decide you don’t want to do it, don’t do it for your reasons, not because your brother might have a psychopathic son.”
