Arnold
WHEN NEWS REALLY DOES HAPPEN ON LATE NIGHT
Just as people say they were there, as in, “I was there when Kobe scored 81,” or “I was there when Janet Jackson’s nipple popped out,” I really was there the night of the Arnold announcement.
Over the years I had written jokes for Arnold when he did roasts, charity events, speeches, and talk-show appearances. That came about when Arnold was left to me in someone’s will. Back in 1996, my agent told me I needed to learn to write a sitcom. He suggested I work with legendary sitcom writer Milt Rosen, who for $1,800 would take me through a ten-week course on how to write one. So I hired Milt, and every Thursday I would go over to his house, learn at the feet of Buddha, and work on a sitcom script, and the next week we would review it and go to the next step. Bottom line, he was a wonderful teacher, I learned how to write a sitcom, and ended up selling a few shows (The Merchants of Venice Beach, The Puppet Show, K Street).
A few years later, Milt was sick and didn’t have long to go, and I would stop over at his house every once in a while, bring him matzah ball soup, and see how he was doing. He passed away in August 2000, and a few days later his widow called me. “Milt left you something,” she said. Since he wasn’t rich I was a little stunned. I said, “What did he leave me?” She said, “He left you Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
Turns out that for years Milt had worked with Arnold, supplying him one-liners for special events at which Arnold would speak. As he was dying, he gave Arnold my number.
A few days later the phone rang and I heard a voice say, “I need chokes.” Chokes? Wait, it’s Arnold and he needs jokes. He was giving a toast at one of Tom Arnold’s weddings or divorces, so I wrote some “chokes.” Jokes sent, check arrived, a few days later another call came for another event. Arnold started hiring me on a regular basis.
So when he called me for jokes the day before his August 6, 2003, appearance on The Tonight Show as the governor’s campaign was kicking off, I naturally asked, “Well, are you going to announce or not?” He said it was a surprise but that I should write the jokes under the assumption he wasn’t going to run. That made sense to me. He was a friend of former LA mayor Richard Riordan. Riordan was a Republican who appealed to both parties, Gray Davis was so unpopular, and at the time of the recall, Arnold was still a very popular movie star and would be giving up about $150 million in Terminator movie money to run . . . so I was sure he was going to endorse Riordan.
As a general rule I didn’t write for the guests on the show. They had their own material, or stories that they had reviewed with the producers. But sometimes the producers would ask the writers to help out the talent with a bit they wanted to do on the show and the writers would help; or there would be times when a friend of mine was coming on the show and if he or she called needing a few lines, I’d break out the laptop. It’s all about making the best TV and making the guest feel comfortable.
So the night before the appearance I wrote Arnold about forty jokes, thirty-eight under the theory that he wasn’t going to run, and two that he was. I often did that on news stories. When an O. J. Simpson or Robert Blake jury verdict was coming in I’d write ten to fifteen jokes both ways, guilty and not guilty, so that the second the verdict was announced, I could be the first one to hand them in to Jay. Yes, I’m that shallow . . . and competitive. Not all the jokes were political, but were the usual Arnold: semi-risqué and funny. Above all, Arnold “gets” self-deprecating. The first joke I ever wrote for him was this:
I AM LIVING PROOF that any immigrant can come to America and become a millionaire if he works hard, studies hard, and marries a Kennedy.
For some reason Republicans are much better at self-deprecation. Maybe because they believe they have God on their side. Which is the same thing ISIS says.
There were dozens of reporters set up on a stage next to our studio so that they could report what everyone was sure they knew—that Arnold wasn’t going to announce. Before the show I did something I rarely do, which is go downstairs to meet the guest. The only guests I ever saw before the show were people I knew, like Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, President Obama, Joe Biden, Marty Short, Bob Costas, Hugh Jackman, Terry Bradshaw, Mary Matalin, Chris Rock, James Carville, and Arnold. Pretty diverse group. Another question I’m often asked is this: How do you write for different people? My daughter Sam pointed out to me that when I’m talking to Carville on the phone I always sound a little Cajun. Maybe it’s a Zelig-like quality, where I imitate or emulate who I’m talking to, but it actually helps. Before I write for anyone, I like to listen to their voice on the phone for five minutes, just to literally get their voice and make me think like they do.
We went over his jokes and then I stayed in his dressing room with his publicist and George Gorton, a Republican consultant. We watched as Arnold and Jay did their segment, and then Jay asked him if it was a painful decision. Arnold delivered one of the jokes I had written that was in the “not running” pile. “It’s the most difficult decision I’ve made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978, when I decided to get a bikini wax.”
At that point I knew he was never going to announce. What kind of person would make that joke and then announce he was running for one of the most important elected offices in the country? It was so clear he wasn’t announcing that at one point Jay addressed the reporters offstage, saying they should have all been at Kobe’s court hearing. Kobe was on trial then in Denver for a loose-ball foul.
Arnold and Jay continued the segment and then Arnold started talking about how Gray Davis had failed the state, and he went on and on about the kind of governor California needed—his preamble perfectly describing Dick Riordan. When he said, “And that is why” . . . I knew right there that Arnold would be saying, “And that is why I am endorsing Dick Riordan for governor.” Instead he took a stutter-step pause and said, “I am announcing for governor of Cal-ee-for-nia.”
The place exploded. People started cheering and going nuts. Arnold’s publicist, who was very pregnant at the time (not by Arnold), sank back in her chair. George Gorton turned the color of Edgar Winter (Google the name) and said, “Arnold is going to need a phone and a private room to call Maria.”
It was suddenly clear to me, and to everyone else, that no one had known in advance, and Arnold had somehow in midsentence of his Riordan setup changed his mind.
Jay clearly didn’t know, because he was for the first and maybe only time ever taken aback by something a guest said.
Then George Gorton said he needed a place to hold a press conference. Wouldn’t you have had one lined up if your candidate was running? The show ended, and a late-night show probably elected an Austrian bodybuilder governor.
Not only that, Arnold became one of the greatest all-time sources for jokes. Here are a few from the night after he announced on our show:
WE HAD A VERY EXCITING SHOW last night. How many watched the show last night? As you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he’s going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn’t know. His staff didn’t know. I didn’t know. I had all these questions about who he was going to support. If he doesn’t get to be governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. He can keep a secret better than they can.
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IF ARNOLD IS ELECTED, you know who I feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine you’re about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it’s a reprieve, you hear that “Hasta la vista, baby.”
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ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER says he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him, and it started already. Today they released the one thing that could really hurt him—he once starred in a movie with Tom Arnold.
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ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER has filed to run for governor. Gary Coleman has filed. Gallagher has filed. Larry Flynt . . . Angelyne . . . I don’t know if it’s an election or a bad episode of Hollywood Squares.