So let me go back to those original questions from the beginning of the book.
Does anyone in late night (including this lowly writer) really have an impact on presidential elections? Yes, we can paint the canvas when it is blank and we can amplify what is out there about the person who is trying to hold the most important job in the world. In the end, you may not trust Fox News or MSNBC, but our late-night hosts do speak for us.
Are those jokes all of us have watched on late-night shows important? Important like the polio vaccine, no. Important in helping us relax and laugh after a bad day . . . yes.
Do we comedy writers matter in the larger sense? Or are all of us who write for late night just immature class clowns too unattractive to be stars in front of the camera? Yes.
Don’t get me wrong. If I go back to late night, it’s not because I believe I can change America with the power of a joke. Nor is it going to be for the money, although that doesn’t hurt. It’s because I love the daily challenge of writing a hundred jokes and seeing and hoping that a few score.
Obviously a lot of this book is based on my experience with Jay. Jay never wanted his jokes and commentary to change the world. He just wanted to make people laugh. In doing so, his jokes, like those of so many other hosts, have in fact had an impact far beyond what he dreamed. Maybe not to the extent that the single line of Tina’s did about Sarah Palin’s, but like all late-night comics, his jokes did shape our opinions. Jay always felt his jokes reflected what was already out there (the thermometer), but to me, regardless of whether it was Jay or anyone else with a late-night microphone, their jokes do influence the way we view events. They are a thermostat. Hey, without them, we might never know that O.J. was guilty.
So I owe my thanks to Johnny, who I watched growing up and who made me want to write comedy, and to Jay, who gave me that chance. Like I noted, 500,000 jokes and more to come. For those that made you laugh, I’m grateful; for those that made you groan, I apologize; for those that hurt people undeservedly, I feel bad; for those that helped you realize that a lot of celebrities and politicians are schmucks, I take credit; and for the chance to share them with you . . . my never-ending gratitude.
Years after Johnny left The Tonight Show his longtime friend Peter Lassally said, “The thing Johnny misses the most is the monologue. When he reads the paper every morning, he can think of five jokes off the bat that he wishes he has an outlet for.”
I’m certainly not Johnny with an h but I get it. I’m lucky to have an outlet with the awards shows and comics I write for, but with the 2016 presidential race under way I can’t help but look at the candidates and get comedy trigger finger. So in case I rejoin the late-night fray or for those who are in it now or are fans of the monologue, here is my alphabetical listing of the top 2016 political targets in the presidential or possible vice-presidential category with what you can expect jokes about. Note that some of them are so unknown or so unblemished, there is nothing to make fun of at this point in time: those would be Jim Webb, Elizabeth Warren and Martin O’Malley, John Kasich and Scott Walker.
2016ers
JOE BIDEN: Being vice president, will say anything, talks too long.
JEB BUSH: The dynasty, the first name.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Temper, New Jersey, weight, and the fact he had more trouble with a bridge than Ted Kennedy.
HILLARY CLINTON: The dynasty, her being dead-broke when she left the White House, Benghazi.
TED CRUZ: He’s Canadian, he’s right-wing, he’s crazy smart, and crazy; he wants to deport every Latino except himself.
ANDREW CUOMO: Dynasty; temper.
MIKE HUCKABEE: Name, Arkansas (a funny state), seems like a perennial loser.
RAND PAUL: College days, ophthalmology.
RICK SANTORUM: Sweaters, bigot, equates gay sex with man-on-dog sex (how does he know?).
BERNIE SANDERS: Eccentric gadfly.