On the third and last day of the camp, Mia holds court around the breakfast table. She’s signing some kind of story about someone else they all seem to know.
‘He came to camp two years ago, but he moved away,’ explains Freya to me, when I ask her who Mia’s talking about, off to the side. I turn back to the story and try to follow along. It’s fast, and I’m not certain on the details, but I do my best; there’s something about the guy being in an obstacle race at a school thing, but because of his hearing, he didn’t get what one part of the race involved properly - they only did a partial walk through - and then, after he won, someone accused him of cheating because he didn’t do it properly.
‘So not fair,’ signs Truck. He looks outraged, like just Mia, whose eyes flash with every hand gesture she makes.
Charlotte joins him. ‘I’d be so mad about that,’ she signs.
‘I know, right?’ says Mia. ‘Discrimination. Again. It happens all the time. It’s like deaf people don’t even exist. Hearing people just want to push us to the sidelines.’
There’s a flicker of something in my consciousness. It’s a thought, or, actually, several, that spring up like runner bean plants, twirling tendrils in different directions, and taking hold of support posts in my brain.
That’s not unusual, says one thought. Stuff like that’s happened to me before.
Another little plant pops up beside it. But it’s not discrimination, is it?
Maybe it is.
My eyes open wider, and I lean in further.
Charlotte’s signing now. ‘Mia, you’re so right. You just always understand what’s going on.’
Mia gives her a considered glance. There’s a half-second hint of something in her face that shows me she’s doubtful about Charlotte, but it relaxes and disappears. ‘You’re getting it,’ she signs. ‘Good for you.’ And I see Charlotte’s face glow with the praise.
After breakfast, we head back to the cabins. Mia and Truck walk ahead, with Charlotte making a keen third in their wake. I know I don’t have a place in their inner circle, but I’m not used to being popular anyway, so it’s okay to be in my normal place, dangling slightly behind.
There’s a tap on my shoulder. Freya has caught me up.
‘Look at Charlotte,’ she signs. She’s grinning. ‘So hopeful.’
I shrug. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Mia wouldn’t be paying any attention to Charlotte if she knew about her second implant,’ says Freya.
‘You know about that?’
Freya makes an of course face at me. ‘She told me weeks ago.’ She makes an amused face. ‘It’s like Charlotte’s trying to make up for it, even before she gets it.’
To be honest, I don’t really understand what Freya’s talking about. The question in my mind is more about Truck.
‘Are they, like, a thing?’ I gesture to Mia who is laughing with Truck, slapping him on the back.
Freya looks shocked. ‘No way. They’re like brother and sister. They’ve known each other since they were tiny. Nothing going on there.’
‘Oh,’ I sign again. And I don’t know what else to say.
‘I get it,’ Freya signs. She gives me a knowing look. ‘You like him…’
I look away, confused. I mean, maybe. I don’t know. Truck seems nice, and yesterday he was hanging around me. Today he’s not, and Mia seems to be the one who’s made the difference.
‘Look,’ signs Freya. ‘Mia is…’ she pauses. ‘Mia is Mia. She’s just like that. When she decides you’re okay, it’ll be good. She’s just wary. She gets angry if people come in and try to make it like there’s something wrong with deaf people, or we need help.’ She shrugs. ‘She likes being Deaf, and she doesn’t want to be hearing. And until she figures that she can trust you, she keeps her distance. As for Truck, he follows Mia.’ She makes a face. ‘We all do.’
More tendrils start growing in my brain.
We need help.
Something wrong with deaf people.
…she can trust you.
I stand still on the path, letting people pass me. Freya stops too, with a question on her face, but I don’t answer it. Something’s happening inside me. It’s like I’ve been standing in front of an amazing painting my whole life, but with most of it covered over. Until this moment, I’d never even known I wasn’t seeing everything, but now the covers are being taken off and the painting is coming into focus: clear, large, and more awe-inspiring than I ever knew.
‘Have you always known?’ I ask Freya, but I hardly know what I’m signing.
She looks at me like I’m stupid. ‘What?’
‘Have you always known that you’re okay?’
It’s not what I mean to ask, but it comes out anyway. My questions are bigger than that. Have you always known that hearing people looked down on you? Have you always felt less than, and small, like something was wrong with you? Have you always been given pity, and then no pity, and told to try harder and do better and just get on with it? Have you always known that people have no time for you? Have you always known that the world is not built for people who can’t hear?
Freya’s face is still confused. ‘Known that I’m okay, like how?’
And suddenly, my eyes prick with tears. I wipe a wet spot away with my hand. ‘It doesn’t matter. I don’t even know.’
But I do know.
And it does matter.
Freya’s deaf, and she’s okay.
Truck’s deaf, and he’s okay too.
Mia’s deaf. She’s as okay as anyone could possibly be.
I look down at my hands. There’s a wet smear across the back of one, so I wipe it on my shorts.
I’m deaf. Jazmine is deaf.
I’m deaf. Jazmine is deaf.
I fold the words over each other in my head. I haven’t been okay. But I’m going to be. Somewhere inside my body, everything stops, breathes and relaxes. The tears disappear, and a smile arrives on my face.
Freya’s confusion is still there.
‘So what shall we do today?’ I sign, and I give her a big grin. ‘Last day of camp. Let’s make the most of it.’
We sit in another group session, with a speaker who talks about ‘being yourself’ which is cool because while he’s talking, I think about being Jazmine, and what that’s all about, and what kind of person I am, and I get the feeling that actually, I like myself quite a bit, even though maybe that sounds weird to most people - because aren’t teenagers supposed to be all miserable and everything?
The fact is, I’ve probably been through more stuff than most people, and I’ve learned heaps in the last year and a half, and I’m so much happier than I used to be, and now it’s even better, being here with people like me. I almost have to pinch myself because I feel so right and happy. It’s really hard to keep the smile off my face, so I don’t bother. I just grin through the whole session.
At free time, Freya and Nick and I go down to the river and skim stones in, which is harder than it looks at first. When I’m just beginning to get it, and laughing my head off, because Freya looks hilarious when she does it, all legs and arms going everywhere, Mia, Charlotte and Truck come down to join us, which is cool as well. And even though everyone’s attention is still on Mia, I’m okay with it, because I’m okay with myself and I’m happy.
Happy to be here, happy to be part of it all.
Happy just to be.
The kids who are doing the video come down to get some footage of the stone skimming. They giggle when they see Freya’s style, and they clap when I show them what I can do, and even Mia looks slightly impressed.
‘Good job,’ signs Charlotte.
‘Skills, girl,’ signs Truck, and I beam with pride.
The end of the camp is mid-afternoon. We have lunch, and then time to pack, and then a final get-together for awards. Truck gets a certificate for ‘biggest splash in the pool’, which he accepts by giving a super-confident face and making muscle arms. I get an award too: ‘Most Confident Newcomer’. It surprises me, but I go up to get it anyway and shake Shannon, the camp leader’s hand.
‘Awesome job, Jazmine,’ she signs to me, and I smile, kind of shy, and then not shy at all, and accept it.
‘Thank you,’ I sign. ‘I had a great time.’
‘Well, come back next year,’ she replies. ‘You’re part of us now.’
I make a happy face and go back to my seat, and then it’s time to watch the video.
It’s hilarious.
There are kids making faces, kids dancing, kids jumping in the pool and kids skimming stones. There are kids eating, chatting, giving piggybacks, laughing, snorting water out their noses, and sitting quietly, watching the sunset over the river.
And I’m in it, too. I do quite a good shimmy, I think to myself, when my dance moves get featured. Truck elbows me and I elbow him back. From the seat on the other side of him, Mia looks over at me, with a different expression on her face. It’s less dismissive: more interested.
I quietly smile inside my head.
At three, the parents start arriving, and the hugs and tears for goodbyes begin.
My heart leaps when I see Grandma’s face amongst the group of parents, standing on the concrete area in front of the dining room, and I run up to her.
‘Grandma,’ I sign, forgetting. “I mean, Grandma.” My voice takes over from my hands, but it’s muffled in my head because I’ve left my hearing aids in my room. I give her a big hug and feel her hug me back. “I won’t be long,” I say, though I can hardly hear myself. “I just have to get my stuff and say goodbye.”
Then I run up to my room to grab my bag and my pillow and everything. Charlotte and Freya are there already; Charlotte’s bag was completely packed before breakfast, but Freya’s still pushing toiletries into a zip lock plastic bag and I can see her sleeping bag hanging over the edge of her bunk.
‘I’m always the last,’ she signs. ‘I always forget.’
‘I’ll make you do it earlier next year,’ signs Charlotte. ‘Next year: it’s such a long time away.’ She makes a sad face, and I feel as tragic as she looks. ‘Are you coming back next year, Jaz?’ she signs.
I nod. ‘I wouldn’t miss it,’ I sign. ‘It’s amazing.’
Freya grins. ‘I knew you’d be cool,’ she signs. Her hands go into speech mode and she stops picking her things up. ‘Even Mia…’ she starts, but then the door of the cabin opens.
It’s Mia.
‘Gotta go, girls,’ she signs. She hugs Charlotte and then Freya, and then she looks at me. ‘Are you coming next year?’
I shrug and stare straight back at her, confidently, but not meanly. ‘Yep.’
She holds the stare for a second longer and then she nods. ‘That’s good,’ she signs. ‘I’ll see you then.’
She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door behind her, and Freya gives me a nudge. ‘What did I tell you?’
Charlotte’s eyes are huge. ‘She likes you, Jazmine.’
I shrug again. I don’t do a big smile or anything on the outside, but on the inside I’m grinning. ‘That’s good, I guess,’ I sign, and then I hug first Charlotte, and then Freya.
‘Thank you so much,” I sign. “I’ll see you soon, okay?’
And then I pick up my stuff and head, happy, down the path to where Grandma is waiting.
I have to remember to get my hearing aids out of my bag and put them back in my ear. It’s pretty hard to get used to again; I almost feel swamped with sound at first, and for a while, my voice seems gravelly, now that I’ve switched back to speaking. I almost have to sit on my hands to stop them jumping in and talking for me. Grandma hardly has to ask any questions, I’m so chatty.
“It was amazing, and so great, and just incredible,” I say. “Like, really, the best thing ever.”
Grandma’s face is amused. I can see the side of her smile as she looks straight ahead at the road to drive.
“Really? That good?”
“Totally that good. And they were all heaps nice, even Mia, at the end, once she got used to me. Truck was hilarious, and Freya and Charlotte were so great.”
“So you had a good time?”
I sink back into my seat. “They’re my people,” I say quietly. “It’s my new home.”
And then I remember. I’m going back to Mum and Geoff, into our new house.
My new home.