We play touch footy.
The clouds blow away and the sun comes out, and I’m warm from the running, and warm from the sun, and warm because my best friend learned some Auslan.
Gabby’s pretty good at touch footy too. She can weave and duck, and she’s fast.
‘You’re not too bad,’ Truck signs to her and I translate it into spoken words. She grins and gives him a thumbs-up.
At half time, we’re down by two points. Our team gathers around Shannon, the teacher from camp, who’s coaching us from the side.
‘We’re getting the ball,’ she signs. ‘We just have to keep it.’
I interpret for Gabby and she brings her face close to my ear. “What about if she swaps Truck and Mia around? I think they’d do better that way.”
I look at her. “Have you played before?”
She nods. “School sport. All term.”
I shrug. “Okay.”
I put my hand up to get Shannon’s attention. “What about swapping Mia and Truck around? It might help.”
There’s a moment of questioning. Truck looks at Mia, and Mia looks at me, and the look on their faces says, huh, it could maybe work. Shannon raises her eyebrows. ‘What do you think, guys?’ she signs. ‘I think it could be a good idea.’
‘Let’s do it,’ signs Truck.
‘Why not?’ signs Mia.
They swap positions, and Gabby is right. It makes the difference. We gain our two points back in the third quarter, and ten minutes into the fourth quarter, we’re two more points up.
‘Good idea of yours,’ signs Mia when there’s a break in play. ‘It’s working.’
‘Not my idea,’ I sign back with a smile. ‘My friend’s.’
I see her eyes narrow, and she takes a step back, but I can’t worry about it now, because we’re playing again, and I have to run, and catch, and pass the ball on to Truck, who sprints for the try line like he’s playing in a footy grand final on the telly. It’s another point for us, and we jump around and clap like we’re crazy, because it’s the end of the game, and we’ve won.
I’m high fiving everyone I can see, and I catch a glimpse of Gabby hugging and giving thumbs up to everyone around her too.
‘Awesome,’ signs Truck, running up to me. ‘Great pass.’
‘You’re so fast,’ I sign. I suddenly feel shy. ‘Amazing running.’
He looks down at the grass, like he’s embarrassed, and then I see the twinkle in his eye come back. ‘Yeah. I’m amazing.’ He grins at me. ‘Ha ha. Jokes.’
Gabby comes running up beside me. “That was so fun,” she says. “I loved it so much.”
I feel awkward. “Truck, this is Gabby, my friend.” I sign it and say it at the same time, so Gabby knows what’s going on. “It was her idea to swap Mia and you.”
Truck looks around for a moment, like he’s not sure. ‘Do you know Auslan?’ he signs to Gabby, after a moment, and I repeat his question out loud for her.
“Oh, not yet,” says Gabby, her voice enthusiastic in the way that only Gabby’s voice can be. “I’ve just signed up for a course though. I think it’s cool.”
I forget to interpret for Truck. Instead, I stand and stare at Gabby. “Have you?” I ask her. “Really? A course?”
“Yeah,” she grins. “I got Mum to pay for it and everything. It starts next term. At the community college thingy, in the evenings.”
“Oh,” I say. I stare at her a little more. And then I hug her. “That is really awesome.”
Truck taps me on the arm. ‘Hey, we have to shake hands with the other team. And you never interpreted Gabby’s reply for me.’
‘Sorry,’ I sign. ‘Distracted.’ And I follow him to the middle of the field where we meet with the other team and shake hands before we file off to our side.
Freya catches up with Gabby and me. “Awesome, you guys,” she says out loud.
Gabby turns to her, her eyes bright. “You too,” she says.
I want to stay with them, and be in the conversation, but Mia is pulling me aside. She touches on my arm, and drags me away so our backs are to the others, our signing out of sight of everyone.
She doesn’t look happy.
There’s a catch in my breath, and I’m suddenly aware of my fingers clenching together.
Fear.
I can’t be afraid.
‘Why did you bring her here,’ Mia signs to me. ‘This is a deaf game. She’s hearing.’ She stands back and looks at me, almost incredulous.
I shrug, and I swallow. I push down the fear. ‘She’s my friend. She lives close. I wanted to introduce her to you guys.’ I sign with only the tiniest hint of a tremble in my hands.
‘But can’t you see? If she’s invited, why not invite every hearing person who lives close and who likes touch footy? Why does she get to barge in to our games? Everything’s always about hearing people. They run the world.’ Her face is frustrated. ‘Why can’t we have a simple game of footy, just for deaf people?’ She frowns. ‘I thought you understood this stuff, Jaz. I thought you were really getting it. If you don’t understand this, you don’t really understand anything about being deaf.’
I take a deep breath in, and push it out again. When she puts it like that, I guess I feel bad. I can see what she’s saying. I really can. And yet, I can see the other side of it too.
Maybe she’s right.
Maybe I don’t understand anything about being deaf.
I guess what I’m trying to understand is about being Jazmine.
I shrug my shoulders. ‘I know, Mia. I really do.’ It’s easier to be brave now that I’ve started. ‘But she’s my friend. She was pretty much my only friend back when I had no friends. She’s done a lot for me. We have each other’s backs. She says she wanted to learn what it’s like for me, and I thought this would be something.’ I look at the ground. I see what Mia is saying, but I have a point of view too.
‘It’s like this. I’ve got two worlds to live in,’ I tell her. ‘I want there to be some cross over.’
Mia’s face is frustrated. ‘You have to choose,’ she signs. ‘You’re either deaf or you’re not.’ She turns as if she’s going to go, going to walk away from me, but I pull her arm.
‘Don’t walk away,’ I sign. ‘It won’t fix things.’ There’s a courage surging through me. ‘I can’t choose,’ I sign. ‘I don’t want to choose.’
Mia looks shocked, like she’s never heard this before. But I’m this far in, I might as well keep going.
‘The fact is, I’m not really part of either world. I’ve figured that out now. The hearing world thinks I’m deaf. The deaf world thinks I’m hearing.’ I make a face at her. ‘Be honest. You wouldn’t even talk to me when you first met me.’
She makes a little head movement, like, okay, you’ve got me there. ‘But then you showed me you wanted to be deaf, so we let you in,’ she signs.
‘But even then I felt like I was pretending a bit,’ I sign. ‘To be hearing, I have to try so hard I’m exhausted. To be deaf, I have to try so hard that I’m confused. It’s impossible to be me.’ Now I feel angry. ‘I’m on the edge of both worlds.’
I take a step away from her and look up to the sky. The clouds are returning, and with them, a dark edge that threatens rain. ‘Maybe I can make my own world for people who are exactly like me, but I think it’s gonna be a small population.’
Mia is quiet and still, just watching me. Inside me, there’s rage that still has to come out.
‘Fact is, there’s nowhere else I can go. I’m going to have to live in both worlds. So I’d like them to know each other a little. And I’ve decided: I’m going to be crossing over a bit.’
Mia turns to leave again, and then she stops, like she’s thinking the better of it. She turns back to me, and her face is dark, not with anger, but… almost sadness.
‘You can cross over,’ she signs. ‘And that’s where we’re different. You can pretend to be in the hearing world. I can’t even start.’ She looks up and swallows hard. ‘Those people out there - they just treat me like I’m nothing. Like I’m broken and I have to be fixed. But I’m not.’
‘I know,’ I say to her. ‘I know what you mean.’
‘There’s no place out there for me. And when you bring them in here, it just feels like… betrayal, all over again.
I put my hand out to Mia’s arm. She’s almost shaking. I’ve never seen her like this.
‘I’m really sorry, Mia,’ I sign. ‘Freya told me about Sarah. It sounded horrible.’
‘Charlotte would have done the same thing,’ signs Mia. She can hardly look directly at me. ‘That’s why we dropped her.’
‘I don’t think she would have,’ I sign. ‘I didn’t know Sarah, but I don’t think Charlotte was like that. Anyway, I don’t want you to drop me. I like you guys a lot. I feel more at home with you, here, than I’ve felt anywhere. Like, forever.’
‘You’re weird, for a half-deaf kid,’ signs Mia. She’s got a small smile on her face though.
‘You’re weird too, for a Strong Deaf kid,’ I sign back, and I grin at her. ‘And when you do your online shop, I’ll be the first one to buy your t-shirts. One for me, one for Gabby.’ We start to walk back to the group together. ‘She’s learning Auslan, you know.’
‘Yeah,’ signs Mia. ‘We’ll see. All the hearing people say that, and they never do.’
I grin to myself. I know something about Gabby that she doesn’t know, and that is that if Gabby says she’ll do something, she does it. Gabby doesn’t give up. And she especially doesn’t give up on her friends.
I don’t tell Mia that though.
Instead, I sign, ‘Yeah. We’ll see.’