Roommates

7. The Baby Storm

The first thing Elise felt when she woke up was the dry, chalky texture of her mouth. Water. She needed it badly, but also felt as if she would barf if she swallowed anything. She was hung over in the worst way. If she had a higher tolerance she wouldn’t have gotten so drunk to begin with and probably could’ve avoided a hangover altogether. She glanced at the clock and thanked God that she still had several more hours of sleep before her sister’s baby shower. It took all her strength to crawl from bed and drag her feet to the kitchen. If she had to drink straight from the Sparklett’s water tap, she would.

She turned on the light and for a moment wondered if she were still dreaming. Standing at the refrigerator, naked as Michelangelo’s David, was Jimmy. His legs looked like two long, hairy pencils, the pink eraser standing out brightly as his privates. “Holy shit!” she spat when she realized this was no dream.

“Oh shit, man. Sorry. I thought you were asleep.” He cupped his hands over his genitals.

She threw a hand over her eyes before quickly shuffling back to her bedroom.

“Sorry!” he called.

She closed the door behind her. Not only did she drink straight from her bathroom sink but also slapped a wave of cold water over her face, trying to wash away the memory of Jimmy’s penis hanging between his skinny legs like a limp celery stalk. She swallowed two Aleve before pulling the covers over her head and praying she wasn’t plagued with bizarre dreams for the rest of the night.

She woke three hours later, feeling somewhat refreshed but also slightly afraid to set foot outside her bedroom door. How awkward would it be now? She had seen him. Nude. It was bad enough that she was privy to all the sexual noises they made, but now she felt as if a line had been crossed. However, knowing him, he wouldn’t even care. He’d probably think it was funny rather than embarrassing.

She rolled over and nearly screamed aloud when she looked at the time. Her alarm never went off. She had to pick up the cake and drive to Crystal’s house in Carlsbad, which would take an hour. The shower started in forty-five minutes. She spent about ten minutes getting ready and cursed herself for not being more like Carly when it came to wardrobe planning. Carly always knew what she was wearing to every event at least a week prior. Elise had no idea what to wear. Furthermore, having access to a washer and dryer still didn’t make her do her laundry on a regular basis. She had no clean clothes and ended up in a wool turtleneck sweater in the middle of summer and a denim miniskirt.

She entered the living room wearing sunglasses. This way she wouldn’t have to make eye contact. However, neither one of the Cheecherses were around, and she cruised out of the house, avoiding any embarrassing encounters.

Being late usually didn’t stress her out. For example, going to the movies. She rarely saw the previews but rather cruised into the theater just in the nick of time. No big deal. She kind of liked sitting in the front row. However, there were occasions when being late really alarmed Elise, like midterms or missing a flight. Melissa’s shower was one of these occasions, and she honestly felt as if it was worse than walking in late to a wedding. She might get in trouble or be reprimanded at this shower.

Just as she sped onto the freeway, her cell phone rang. For a split second she debated answering. She didn’t recognize the number, and whenever she didn’t recognize the number, she never bothered answering. Why run the risk of facing an undesirable ex-boyfriend? Or someone who wanted a favor. However, after the second ring, she realized it might be part of Melissa’s shower committee with last-minute instructions. She picked up.

“Hello,” she said.

Instead of being greeted by her mother or Crystal, she was greeted by an electronic voice, which informed her she had a collect call, before the familiar and disturbing voice of Jimmy was spliced in to identify himself. “To accept these charges press pound,” the robot said.

For a moment she was thrilled. Maybe he was in jail! Then he couldn’t live with them anymore. In fact, she would never have to see him again. Of course, she would accept. If anything, it would be a great story to share at the shower.

“Uh, hello,” Elise said after pressing pound.

“Elise?”

“Yes.”

“Thank God,” he sighed. Elise waited for him to explain that he’d been arrested for driving under the influence that morning, but instead he went on to explain that he’d been driving Justine’s car to pick up a drum set, and it had broken down in Sorrento Valley. He was stranded and needed a ride. If Elise remembered correctly, Sorrento Valley was an industrial town with little to no shops or restaurants. He really was stuck in the middle of nowhere.

“How did you get this number?” she immediately wanted to know.

“Well, Justine gave it to me. She would pick me up, but obviously she doesn’t have a car, and I don’t have a Triple A card. I’m stuck.”

“Well, I’d love to help you, but I’m actually on my way to a baby shower right now, so I can’t get you. I just don’t have time.”

“Really? Because you’re the last person I tried. No one is home.”

“I’m sorry, Jimmy. But there is no way I can pick you up and take you back to City Heights at this point.”

“Well, I can wait in the car while you’re at your shower.”

He wanted to wait in the car? Why couldn’t he be in jail? “All right,” she said. “I’ll pick you up. Where are you?”

She found him sitting curbside with his elbows propped on his knees.

“Thanks man! You are the greatest, and boy does it ever feel great in here!” He slid into the air-conditioned car, and obviously felt no embarrassment or discomfort for their encounter in the kitchen earlier that morning.

Just as they were pulling away, her phone rang again. A feeling that she was in serious trouble washed over her, but then she realized that she had the perfect excuse. She had to save a stranded motorist. Anyone would’ve done the same thing if they were in her shoes. “Hello!” she said with confidence before immediately launching into her story about how she had come to Jimmy’s rescue. “He’s going to wait in the car though,” she said.

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” Melissa said.

“I knew you would understand. It’s not my fault that I’m late.”

“No, I mean don’t make him sit in the car. Bring him in.”

“Uh . . . well. Um, actually he’ll probably do better in—”

“Do you know how hot it is today? Besides, who says showers are only for women? Bring him in. And I want to meet him, after all the stories I’ve heard about him from you and Mom.”

Oh good grief. What had she gotten herself into? Maybe she should drop him off at a strip mall in Carlsbad and let him roam the aisles of the grocery store. It was cool in there. She didn’t want him coming to the shower. He’d probably get drunk and start singing at inappropriate times.

“Well, maybe I’ll drop him off—”

“Oh hey, gotta run. Aunt Sherry just got here. Can’t wait to see you guys.” The line went dead.

When they arrived at the bakery to pick up the cake, he said he would wait in the car and asked if he could use her cell phone. When she returned, he was speaking to someone. “Yeah, Max will be there,” he said. “We can ask him to do it.” Her ears perked so high, she imagined she must’ve looked like an Australian shepherd. It really was a blast having a crush on someone, even if she’d only been around that person three times in her life. Where was he going to be? She wanted to be there. Jimmy said good-bye to whoever he was talking to, and she debated asking him about Max. However, like Stan, he’d probably just do something to embarrass her. She wondered if Max would call Brooke, or if she would stop by his shop. She was gorgeous, so who could blame him if he did?

She thought it was actually nice to have Jimmy along, because he held the cake the whole way to Carlsbad.

After parking outside Crystal’s town house complex they followed a trail of pink ribbons. Jimmy held the cake and immediately began skipping. What in the hell was he doing, and with the cake in his hands? “Follow, follow, follow, follow the piiihhhnk ribbons,” he sang in munchkin voice as they headed down the path leading to the shower.

“Ha-ha!” Elise laughed. “I do feel like we’re following the yellow brick road.” And right now it wouldn’t surprise her if the shower turned out to be like Oz. She hummed The Wizard of Oz tune as she traced her way through a maze of condominiums. Her stomach ached when she knocked on the front door, and for a moment she wondered why she was suddenly stricken with nervous anxiety. There would be food and games and hopefully alcohol for those who weren’t expecting. And she could just ignore Jimmy. But there was a fear that crept up on her, the same kind of nervous fear she had come to associate with giving speeches.

Then she remembered. It was Crystal. Elise normally liked her, and she had been best friends with Melissa for as long as Elise could remember. She was like Melissa’s Carly.

She really had nothing against Crystal. She was a fantastic person with a heart of true gold. But for some goddamn reason that Elise would never understand, she loved doing sentimental, speechy things at every single event that involved Melissa. Elise still woke up in cold sweats, fighting off nightmares about Melissa’s bridal shower and bachelorette party when each guest was forced to go around the room saying their name, how they had met Melissa, and their favorite Melissa story. She had even upped the ante at the bachelorette party and made them all share a story and say what they liked best about the bride. It had been painful to say the least. And why?

Elise had always been one of those people who loathed the first day of school for the simple reason that the teacher might make everyone go around the room sharing their name, favorite color, and what they did for the summer. She had even asked for the hall pass on a few of these occasions and had camped in the bathroom until the icebreakers were over. If she had wanted to be a public speaker she would’ve become a priest. She was a writer, and writers felt comfortable behind things like their computers.

As she waited for someone to answer the front door, she tried to be optimistic. Perhaps Crystal would show mercy at this event. After all, what could she possibly do for an icebreaker at a baby shower? It’s not like they could tell stories about the baby. She wasn’t even born yet.

“Hello,” Crystal cooed from the door. The past few times Elise had seen Crystal she reminded her of a newscaster. Pretty, thirty-something face. Flawless makeup and perfectly cut and styled shoulder-length hair that looked like it could withstand a hurricane. “It’s Elise! Come in, and here, let me take that,” she said pulling the gifts from her hands. “And you must be Jimmy.” She extended a manicured hand. After the introductions she set Elise’s gift on top of a mountain of presents all decked in pink wrapping paper and extravagant ribbons. She clapped her hands together after setting Elise’s stuff in the pile. “Now, what can I get you guys to drink? We have—”

“A beer would be great,” Jimmy interrupted.

Crystal was silent for a moment. “Um, well okay. I think we have some beer in the fridge. My husband occasionally drinks it, so let me see.”

They followed her into the kitchen. “And Elise, the same for you?”

“Uh, no.” She saw some champagne chilling on a table. “I’ll just have champagne.”

“Great.”

She handed Jimmy a beer. “Now, go introduce yourself to everyone, but before you do that, please visit Madison and Kayley over at the game station. We have a little icebreaker planned.”

Shit. Here it was. They’d probably have to write letters to the infant and then share them with the rest of the group while gathered around Melissa. Instead of joining Madison and Kayley at the icebreaker station, Elise felt like yanking a long ribbon from the gift pile, binding Crystal, and hiding her in the closet. Maybe it was unethical, but she’d really be doing the whole shower a service.

Elise looked at her young cousins standing behind a small card table, drinking Sprites and grinning devilishly as if they had a mischievous secret. Perhaps they, too, had plans to hide Crystal.

“Game station?” Jimmy said as they approached card table. “We’re playing a game? That’s what goes on at these things? Like are we going to play poker or—I don’t know—quarters?”

“No, Jimmy. It’s an icebreaker to get people to mingle and chat amongst themselves.”

“Hmmm,” he mumbled before taking a swig of his beer.

Kayley leaned over and whispered something in Madison’s ear before they both burst into laughter. However, the girls quickly became very composed when Elise and Jimmy arrived. “Hi, Elise,” they said.

“Hi, guys.” She hadn’t seen her two young cousins in a while and thought they were blossoming into pretty young girls. Madison actually reminded Elise a little of herself at thirteen, experimenting in a realm of fashion that few dared to go. “This is Jimmy Chee—” Shit, she had almost called him Jimmy Cheecher. What was his last name, anyway? She had no idea. She chuckled, and began to cover up the mistake. “Brain fart! I started to call you Jimmy Cheekonimos. I knew a guy named Jimmy Cheekonimos in high school, and every time I think of the name Jimmy, I just think of Cheekonimos.”

It was a blatant lie, but it seemed to work, because he said he knew someone named Steve Freebin in high school, and he always called every Steve he knew ‘Freebee’ out of habit.

“This is the game table, and here is what you do,” Kayley said. “We stick a name of a celebrity to your back, and then you go around asking people yes and no questions only.”

“Like for instance,” Madison chimed in, “you can ask, ‘Am I married?’ or ‘Is my hair brown?’ but you can’t say, ‘Who am I married to?’”

“Then everyone is going to reveal who they think they are, and we’ll see if they’re right.” Kayley finished with a smirk on her face.

“Fun,” Jimmy said. “Hook me up with someone cool. Like Mick Jagger.”

“They’re all women,” Madison said.

“Well, even better,” he said. “Give me someone hot then.”

Elise caught a glimpse of the girls exchanging smiles before they began applying sticky name tags on their backs. She wondered if Jimmy was getting Gwyneth Paltrow or Julia Roberts. Maybe she should ask for someone hot, too. She realized she ran the chance of getting pinned with someone really undesirable. She had played this game at a good friend’s bridal shower a couple years back and had been Courtney Cox, which was a winner.

She thought this icebreaker was a great idea for a couple reasons. One, it would force Jimmy to mingle, and she wouldn’t have to be responsible for him. Two, it sure beat writing letters to the unborn.

As soon as they left the game station, they looked at one another. “Let me see your back,” Elise said, turning him around. She expected to see J.Lo or someone like that. Instead, written in childish handwriting was Mary Kay Letourneau.

“What the . . . ?”

“What?” Jimmy twisted his neck around. “Is it bad?”

“Um . . . I’m just surprised,” Elise said, wondering if she was Martha Stewart. When had shower games taken on such a twist?

“Well, let me see yours,” he said, excited as he spun her around. Elise waited for him to say something. Chuckle, or even nod. However, he just stood there. “I don’t know who this is,” he said, his brows knit.

“You have no idea?”

He shook his head. “No. Do you know who I am?”

“Oh yes.” She knew all about the thirty-four-year-old delusional schoolteacher who had seduced her twelve-year-old student and then mothered two of his children, one from behind bars.

“Well, am I single?”

“Um, no.”

“Do I have dark hair?”

“No.”

“Have I been in any movies lately?”

This line of questioning continued until she was certain he would never, in a million years, figure out who he was. He thought he was the kind of celebrity that was known for her talent or good deeds. He’d even guessed Oprah at one point.

“Let’s mingle,” she said. If she was going to figure out who she was, she needed to talk to people who watched the news. As they headed toward the rest of the party, she looked at the other guests’ backs. She caught a glimpse of Crystal, who was arranging hors d’oeuvres and was totally oblivious to the fact that she was Heidi Fleiss. Utterly brilliant.

She glanced at Tanya Harding and Lorena Bobbitt and wondered how Madison and Kayley had gotten away with it. Crystal never would’ve allowed this.

Then she realized that the girls had managed to infiltrate some celebrities that weren’t criminals. Their eighty-three-year-old frail grandmother with dementia was Lil’ Kim. Elise noticed Courtney Love and Pamela Anderson in the mix, too. On a lighter note, there was also Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Kidman, and Kelly Ripa.

Melissa noticed Elise and came toward her, arms outstretched. Except for her belly, she still was a complete twig, and Elise hoped that she looked as thin and spritelike when she was pregnant. She was also glad that her sister would be able to meet Jimmy. She would now have a visual to refer to when she listened to all of Elise’s roommate tales. “You must be Jimmy,” she said.

And who are you? Elise wanted to ask. Amy Fisher? God, what if Elise was Amy Fisher? She was so naïve, getting involved with that Buttafuoco man. She’d rather be Belle Starr, “Petticoat Terror of the Plains,” from the historical Wild West.

She looked at Melissa’s back and read in the same childish writing: Melissa Holden. This might be perhaps the best hoax of all. Melissa was herself. “I can’t figure out who I am,” Melissa said. “I honest to God have no idea.” If only she knew how ironic that sounded. “Let’s see yours?”

Elise turned around. “That’s odd,” Melissa muttered. “I wonder why Madison and Kayley picked such strange people. Mom is Lizzie Borden.”

Then she looked at Jimmy’s back. “This just gets even weirder.”

Elise’s Aunty Sherry walked up and immediately gave her a huge hug. “So introduce me to your boyfriend.”

She had to keep from choking on her champagne. “Actually, this is my roommate’s boyfriend, Jimmy. His car broke down, and I just brought him along. It’s a long story.”

“Let’s see your back,” he said to Aunt Sherry.

“I can’t figure out who I am for the life of me,” she said as she turned around. “I was thinking maybe Maria Shriver?”

Tammy Faye Baker. “I don’t know who any of these people are,” Jimmy said. “Are all these people in all those old Alfred Hitchcock movies you like to watch?” He pointed to one of Melissa’s friends across the room. “There is one I recognize. Pamela Anderson.”

Elise asked her aunt several questions and surmised that she had blonde hair and was in jail for some time. It wasn’t for murder, robbery, or extortion of any kind. Her crime was sexual and involved a minor. She was about to ask if she was Mary Kay Letourneau, too, when she noticed Crystal, name tag removed, frantically removing labels from each guest’s back, ripping them off as if she were preventing them all from realizing the game hadn’t gone according to plan. Her mother looked startled when she was interrupted from conversation and had her name tag peeled off her back like a Band-Aid. “Is the game over?” she asked, slightly disappointed. “I never figured out who I was.”

“No. The game has been canceled. There was a mistake, and we’re going to do another kind of icebreaker.”

Elise scanned the room for her cousins, who were nowhere to be found, and wondered what kind of game they would all be playing now. She saved Crystal the task and had Jimmy remove her name tag. She was indeed Mary Kay Letourneau. Those little devils had given them the same one. Jimmy went to the fridge to help himself to another beer. Apparently he was feeling right at home here. She found her cousins hovering over a cheese platter.

“Looks like your game got called off,” she said.

Madison shrugged. “Crystal flipped out when she found out that she was Heidi Fleiss.”

“Whatever,” Kayley said. “She never said what kind of celebrities she wanted us to use. She just said celebrities.” She giggled. “Then we gave you and your boyfriend the same one to see if you guys would ever figure it out.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“He’s not?”

“No!”

“I didn’t think your parents would be happy if you had a boyfriend like that,” Madison said. “He just looks like he would play in a band.”

She thought of Max and his tattoos. Even her preteen cousins knew how conservative her parents were.

“All right, everyone!” Crystal clapped her hands together. “If I could get your attention, please!” The room became hushed as all eyes focused on the camp director. “We’re going to move into the living room to do an icebreaker, so please grab your drinks and make yourself comfortable.”

Jimmy strolled up with a new beer and followed Elise to the living room. She felt her stomach become twisted and painful and knew they were in store for a solid dose of public speaking. She slid into a folding chair in the farthest corner of the room. Jimmy sat down next to her, and she hoped they would somehow be skipped.

“All right,” Crystal said once everyone had taken their seats. She looked at the group as if she were Barbara Mandrel, getting ready to serenade them. “Since most of us don’t know each other, we’re going to go around the room and say our names, how we know Melissa.” She spoke slowly and enthusiastically. “And a wish or hope for the baby.”

Elise could’ve sworn she heard a few muffled groans and sensed she wasn’t alone in her opinion. At any rate, her mind immediately began to think of a wish or a hope for her unborn niece.

The first person to go was a woman Elise didn’t recognize.

“My name is—”

“Stand up,” Crystal interrupted. “Just so we can all hear you.”

She stood, and Elise noticed that her cheeks looked a little flushed. “My name is Gina Young, and I’m Melissa’s husband’s assistant.” Her eyes nervously darted over the room. Why were they doing this? Couldn’t Crystal see that the woman was suffering? Behind her Fox News smile, Elise thought the woman must have a sadistic side. “Um, well, I guess I just wish the baby a lot of happiness and laughter.”

Everyone clapped. “Very nice,” Crystal said.

Moving on, there were all the obvious wishes like good health, success, good relationship with parents. Someone wished that she had lots of great girlfriends and an ahh fell over the room. Once all the easy wishes were used up, Elise wondered what in the world she was going to say.

She felt an elbow in her ribs. She expected to see terror in Jimmy’s eyes when she looked at him. However, he hadn’t even meant to elbow her and had actually been clapping enthusiastically for the person who had just gone.

She thought of all the things she valued in life, what she was most thankful for. Most of them had been mentioned already. She could say that she wished the child success by twenty-eight so that she didn’t have to live with roommates anymore and could decorate her own place. Suddenly she thought of the perfect wish. For as poor as she was, she wouldn’t trade her career for anything. That’s what she would say. She wished her niece the ambition and creativity to pursue her dreams. She wanted her to be happy in her career. It was golden. She felt relieved that she had come up with something, but her palms were still sweating when it was Jimmy’s turn. She was next. Clearly comfortable in the spotlight, he stood without hesitation and smiled at the whole group. “Well, you’re probably all wondering what I’m doing here. I mean, how many guys do you see at baby showers?”

He paused to absorb all the amused chuckles that came from the audience. Elise looked around the room. It was like an audience for Oprah. They all watched with delight. He had the crowd eating out of his hands. “Anyway, I actually met Melissa today. I’m Elise’s roommate’s boyfriend, and it’s a long story how I got here, but I’m thankful that Elise invited me, and I’m glad to be here with all you ladies.” There was a long ahhhhh before he continued. “Anyway, I’m a musician, and it’s taken a lot of sacrifices to be in this career and do what I love doing. But it’s been worth it.” Was he using hers? “I’d like to wish the baby courage and creativity and the ambition to pursue her dreams. I hope she does what she loves doing.” He practically got a standing ovation. And while the group roared with applause, Elise sat, shell-shocked, wondering how he had read her mind. The bastard. She sat there for a moment, confused, wondering what in God’s name she was going to say. Then she felt a tap on her shoulder. It was Jimmy. “It’s your turn.” The whole room waited.

This part she had rehearsed in her mind a million times for the past twenty minutes. “Well, most of you know who I am. But for those of you who don’t know, I’m Elise, Melissa’s younger sister.” She caught a glimpse of her mother smiling and then locked eyes with Crystal, who was beaming like Kathy Lee Gifford. Her eyes wandered over the rest of the room before her settling on a large bowl of bean dip. “Anyway, um, I wish that . . . the baby, um, has a real flair for cooking.” Dead silence followed. “Because you know, um . . . food is important.”

“Well, all right. Thanks Elise,” Crystal said. “Moving along.”

She slid into her chair and waited for the day to end.