12. The Hunt Begins
They had thirty days to pack up and get out. In college, the word eviction had been associated with raging parties and excessive complaints from lame neighbors. Back then, eviction had signified the end of an era. The end of keg stands and live music.
However, their landlord wasn’t kicking them out because he’d reached the end of his rope. The owner wanted to sell, cash in, and profit from the soaring California real estate. For the first time in Elise’s life she actually felt warm when hearing the word eviction. It would force her to leave City Heights.
The afternoon after they learned of their eviction, Elise found Justine and Jimmy in the kitchen, making scrambled eggs that were brown. Elise tried to ignore the turquoise and purple guitar airbrushed on his cheek.
“So,” he said. “I picked up the paper this morning at Ray’s, and I think we better get looking soon. There are a lot of good ads in there for the City Heights, North Park area.”
As he slid the classifieds toward Elise, she felt a pang of guilt. They expected her to move with them, to continue as their roommate? She figured they would ask what her plans were and she could politely bow out, using the excuse that she really wanted to live by the beach. They, of course, wouldn’t be able to afford to relocate with her and would wish her well. “Oh,” Elise said. “Um, well . . . I don’t know if I want to stay in this area.”
They both stopped and looked at her as if she had just told them they had bad hair.
“Oh,” Jimmy said.
“You’re not going to live with us?” Justine asked.
She suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. Maybe she should stay with them. Even though they made her want to kick the piano with annoyance on a regular basis, they weren’t mean people.
On the other hand, what was she thinking? They drove her nuts, and Jimmy didn’t even pay rent! They probably only wanted her around to cover the other half of the apartment for them.
“It’s just that I’ve always wanted to live by the beach, and Carly’s lease might be ending soon. We might look for a place together.”
They nodded in unison. The excuse about Carly was a lie, but this seemed to make them feel better. “Well, you’ll have fun living with Carly,” Justine said. “But I’m sooo sad you’re not going to be my roomie anymore.”
“Man, this eviction sucks,” Jimmy said as he picked up Bella and kissed her on the top of her head.
It didn’t take them long to find a place. That afternoon, Justine signed a lease for a studio in City Heights. Elise could’ve also found a studio in City Heights, but she’d been telling the truth about living at the beach.
She spent her afternoon scouring every kind of classified ad for roommates. After dozens of phone calls she’d heard the same things over and over again.
“Sorry. Our landlord doesn’t accept pets.”
“Oh, you’re a little late. I just found a new roommate.”
“Rent is fourteen hundred a piece.”
The final call was to a two-bedroom house in North Park. The girl on the answering machine identified herself as Jules. She spoke with an upbeat southern accent and promised to call back as soon as she got the message.
She had just hung up the phone when it rang. She glanced at the caller ID and was surprised to see Carly. Elise had called her last night to tell her about the eviction, and she hadn’t answered. She had been hard to find lately, and Elise was surprised that she had called back so soon.
“Okay, so who’s the guy, and why haven’t you told me about him?” Elise asked.
Carly laughed. “What? There is no guy.”
“You’ve been missing in action lately, and I can tell by the lilt in your voice that someone is making you happy.”
“No, seriously. I just got assigned a great project at work. If I can impress my boss enough, I might just get the raise I’ve been waiting for.”
“Oh, that’s great! Why didn’t you say something before? I’ve been wondering what’s been going on.”
“Well, you know. I guess I just didn’t want to jinx anything. So anyway, what’s going on with you?”
“I’ve been evicted. Max gave me the cold shoulder, and I can’t find a new roommate,” Elise said happily.
“Okay, start with the eviction.”
Elise told her about her new shot at freedom.
“I wish I hadn’t signed that stupid lease. You and I could be looking for a place right now,” Carly said. “But I’ll spread the word around the office that you’re looking for a roommate. Now tell me about Max.”
“It’s no big deal, really. I just dropped by his store the other day, and he wasn’t around, so I left him a note, which I know I probably shouldn’t have done. It’s so, I don’t know . . . And now he hasn’t made any effort to contact me, and I’m feeling really lame about the whole thing.”
“Oh get over it. This isn’t nineteen fifty-two anymore. Women can make the first move, and furthermore, stop worrying about your image. Everyone knows you’re cute and talented and not desperate. Forget your ego already. Did you leave your number?”
“No.”
“Well, what do you expect?”
“He knows where I live. He can make a little effort, too. And I didn’t want to seem too forward like Brooke who offered everything but her social security number that night in Ocean Beach. I just thought that was kind of obnoxious.”
“She was obnoxious. But it’s about time you made a move with him. You can’t sit around wondering forever, and I’m proud of you for leaving a note. But next time please leave a way to get in touch if you ever want to make it out of the gray phase.”
Carly was making her feel better. However, Carly was the type to leave notes and pursue someone. She had sex way before Elise had in high school, actually at the young age of fourteen. Elise had saved herself until college with her first serious boyfriend, Tim. Carly had also never had a serious boyfriend; rather a series of sex partners who never made it to the point of meeting Mom and Dad.
Elise hated the gray phase, the hunt. There was such a fine line between making an ass out of yourself and making the first move.
“Well, do you want to meet for drinks tonight or something?” Elise asked.
Carly paused. “Um, well, I should probably work on this project, but sometime soon.”
After they said good-bye, Elise wished for roommates who were single and wanted to have fun. Without Carly, she really had no single girlfriends. She decided to grab lunch and a copy of the Reader so she could scour the classifieds. She drove to Mama’s, grabbed her falafel, then stopped for the Reader at a liquor store on the way back.
“Did anyone call?” she asked Jimmy. If she didn’t ask, she’d never find out.
“Uh . . . let me think. Yes! I wrote it down. Jules called.”
He handed her a piece of paper with “Jewels” scrawled across it and a phone number. “She told me to spell her name that way, just like the diamonds or emeralds.”
“She did?”
“Yeah.”
Elise quickly ate her falafel before calling the little gem back.
A bright southern accent greeted her. “Hi there!”
“Hi, Jewels. This is Elise Sawyer. I’m calling about the ad.”
“Yes, sweetheart. Of course! Tell me a little about yourself.”
They exchanged information about one another as if they were going on a blind date. Jewels worked in sales and was looking for a clean, quiet roommate. Her house was “darlin’,” and she honored privacy and personal space. She struck Elise as a younger version of Dolly Parton. But Dolly Parton was kind of cool and probably a real blast to hang out with.
“Well, listen, honey, why don’t you get your sweet little self over here this afternoon.”
“Sounds great.”
A few hours later she left the barriers of the ghetto and headed into North Park. When she turned down the final street listed on the directions, she felt the same kind of excitement involved with stumbling upon a blowout sale at her favorite bookstore. Lined with adorable Craftsman-style houses and pert little picket fences, the whole block looked like the type of neighborhood where Girl Scouts could safely sell Thin Mints and neighbors exchanged gardening tips. She could already picture herself slipping on a pair of dainty gloves and tending a rosebush.
Unlike City Heights, this neighborhood didn’t look as if it had been hosed in paint thinner. She slowed down in front of a cozy white cottage with a spray of colorful roses bordering its emerald lawn. She studied the street address, just to make sure she was in the right place. After she was positive this wasn’t some cruel joke played by Mapquest to mislead her, she pulled up the parking brake.
The sweet scent of orange blossoms followed her all the way to the front door. She took a deep breath and silently asked God to make Jewels as cool as the house. If all went well, Elise would soon fall asleep to the lullaby of sprinklers softly raining over the landscape instead of sporadic gunshots and bloodcurdling screams. God, let Jewels be cool.
“Coming!” A voice called from inside.
A perky brunette with a smile as big as Alabama and purple eye shadow opened the front door. She had a pert little nose and was one of the few people who matched Elise in size.
“Hi! You must be Elise!” she said in her southern drawl.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Elise extended her hand.
She took Elise’s hand into both of hers and held it for a little longer than Elise liked to shake. “It’s a lovely pleasure to meet you, Elise.” Her lips were so glossy that Elise imagined them serving as glue traps for small flying insects. “You come right on inside here, and I’ll getcha a drink and give you a tour of the place. It’ll be just wonderful. Are you hungry? I know it’s getting close to suppertime.”
“Oh no. I’m fine. Thanks.” Her southern hospitality was charming, and Elise found herself sort of wishing for a southern accent so she could sound as interesting and warm. She’d be the life of the party.
They stepped into a pink, lacy, rosy, country, baskety land. The house was a small palace of wicker furniture and paintings that featured barns and quilty things drying from clotheslines. She half expected Jewels to pull an apple pie from the oven and offer her a tall glass of lemonade, which would’ve actually been nice. In fact, she could get used to living here, even if Jewels seemed a little high strung and wore more makeup than a dancer at Cheetah’s.
“Now. What would you like to drink, missy?” She put her hands on her hips.
“Oh, nothing. Really, I’m fine.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. I don’t want to trouble you.”
“Oh c’mon. Have something. It’s a hot day. You must want something . A Coke? Water? I make great lemonade.”
“It’s okay.” Elise was really anxious to see the place.
“All right. Suit yourself.”
“So, you’re a writer?” she said as she led her down a hallway adorned with a gallery of picket fence and patchwork paintings.
“Yes. And you never told me what field of sales you were in when we spoke on the phone.”
“Well, I work out of the house, too! I actually sell a wonderful line of makeup called ‘Glow.’ Have you ever heard of it?”
She hadn’t but didn’t want to hurt Jewels’s feelings. “I think so.”
“Well, it’s the best there is. And I mean the best. The only other place you can get it besides a Glow Girl, like me, is on QVC. And let me tell you, you don’t want to get it there. The prices are marked up, and they won’t give you a free consultation. I can get you a deal you won’t be able to believe on a whole entire line of products. I can match your skin tones and tell you what season you are. It’ll be great.” She pushed open a door. “Now. Here is where you would be living.” Elise looked at a tiny bedroom with a window peering into the front yard. It was minuscule but had hardwood floors and a cute bookshelf built into the wall.
When she turned around, Jewels was watching her with a vacant look in her eyes. But in a split second, a smile snapped onto her face and she clapped her hands together. “Let’s show ya the rest!”
They looked at a tiny bathroom and Jewels’s bedroom, both covered with fluffy pink things. While walking back to the yard, the phone rang.
“Let me grab that! You show yourself to the back, and I’ll meet you out there.”
Elise let herself out a sliding door and into a small yard with a cobblestone path and a small, perfectly trimmed square of green lawn. Perfect for Bella.
“Well, whatdaya think?”
The place was the Ritz-Carlton compared to her current living situation. But there was something odd about Jewels. However, Jewels had a strange way of looking at her, as if she were trying to figure her out. “The place is really cute.”
“Well, c’mon inside. We can sit down and talk a little bit more about the place.”
After Elise sat down on the couch she noticed it. A square, patent, pink case with shiny little snaps and the Glow logo written across the side of it. A small tag dangled from the case, which read, “Jewels Anderson, four-star consultant and master of makeup artistry.”
That’s when she knew she should get up and run for her life. Clutch her purse to her chest and claim she had a contagious form of diarrhea. If she didn’t come up with an excuse to get out of there quick, she was going to be sucked into the clutches of relentlessly high-pressured makeup sales from Jewels. Then she remembered that she’d already mentioned she was free for the rest of the afternoon. What the hell had she been thinking?
“So, do you think you’d be interested in moving in?” Jewels asked.
“Umm . . . well, I actually have another place to look at on my list.” It was a bold-faced lie, but she really didn’t know if she wanted to move in. She needed to think about it, get to know Jewels a little more. “A friend of a friend. I promised I’d stop by. So, I’ll have to wait to give you an answer.”
“That’s fine. I know this isn’t a decision that you can rush into.” Jewels told her a little more about the technicalities of the lease, and that utilities were included in the rent. Elise had foolishly begun to think she’d make it out of there without having to look at a single Glow product when Jewels stealthily crept in, as smooth and skilled as any assault at a department store makeup counter. “When I was on the phone just a minute ago I was just thinking about your lovely hazel eyes, and this new line of eye shadow we just got in. I haven’t tested it on anyone yet, and I thought well . . . since you’re here, it would really help me to get an idea of what this would look like on a pretty face. You have such lovely skin tones. I can only imagine it would look perfect. Do you have just a second for me to test it out? I’ll give you a free sample of the shadow?”
Come up with an excuse. Now.
“Um . . . er . . .” She listened to little snaps unclasp, like a nurse peeling the protective wrap off a fresh syringe.
“The color is called Lava Green. Don’t you just love that?”
“Well, I never really wear eye shadow, actually. I’m not big on makeup. Just a light amount of lipstick, and mascara.”
“That’s it?” She began to pick through her box, pulling out tubes and vials. “Gosh, well this is going to be a real blast for you then. I’m gonna make you look great.” She paused and looked at Elise, her eyes wide, her face stern as if she were a neurosurgeon. “This is going to be a life-changing experience, Elise.”
Elise prayed for another phone call, for Jewels to be distracted by the doorbell, or even a fire. However, she decided to make the best of the situation and find out more about Jewels. This was not a difficult task. Jewels was more than willing to discuss her life. In fact, Elise probably said five words during her entire makeover.
Born and raised in Alabama, her parents divorced when she was five. Her mother then took the kids to Baton Rouge where she married a Baptist minister who was later arrested for fraud. She had five brothers, two sisters, and a passel of stepsiblings, two of whom worked in the adult entertainment industry. She dropped their sparkly pseudonyms, as if Elise were supposed to jump from her seat and beg Jewels to hook her up with autographed headshots. She’d followed her boyfriend, a sailor in the United States Navy, to San Diego.
Elise found it all very interesting and was so absorbed in Jewels’s stories that she sort of didn’t mind her drawing all over her face. The most exciting thing that ever happened in her family was Stan’s tattoo.
An hour later Jewels had applied three different face creams, two different eye shadows, tear-proof mascara, blush with sunblock in it, flavored lipstick, and a waterproof, food-proof, and kiss-proof lip liner.
“Are you ready?” she said.
Ready to leave? Yes. Her stomach was growling, and her mind searching for ways to make it out of there without purchasing a single Glow product.
Jewels held up a hand mirror in front of Elise. It took all her strength to swallow the shriek that nearly exploded from her lips. Worse, this was one of those grueling moments when laughter struggled to cut itself loose from her throat like an out-of-control puppy slipping from its leash. There were certain times laughter was totally inappropriate, and this was one of them. It would hurt Jewels’s feelings, but she feared that if she opened her mouth to say one single word, her ability to maintain composure would go down like a ship on fire. She used all her strength to control the muscles in her face, to keep from revealing the hysteria she felt inside.
She looked like a cheap and colorful piece of artwork sold on the side of intersections on Sunday afternoons. Her eyes were a green sunrise, her lashes as dark and looming as spiders’ legs. Her cheeks popped out like two red traffic lights, and her lips looked like the same kind of pink glue traps that Jewels sported. She realized that if she didn’t leave soon, Jewels could start spraying her with self-tanning cream. She’d seen a few bottles in there.
“Well . . . what do you think?”
She swallowed. “Well, it’s uh . . . different . . . than what I normally wear.”
“I knew you’d love it!”
“Um . . .”
“You are not going to believe the kind of deal I can get you, sweetheart. This whole entire set will cost you eight hundred dollars on the QVC. Eight hundred dollars. And guess how much I’m gonna charge you?”
“No idea.”
“C’mon guess.”
“Ummm . . . I don’t know. Four hundred dollars?”
She slapped Elise’s knee hard. “Do you think I would charge you, my future roommate, that kind of money? No sir. I can get you the whole set for two hundred and fifty dollars. This cream alone would cost two hundred on the Home Shopping Network. She held up a small tub of cream, then unscrewed the lid. “Here. Smell it again.” Elise inhaled something similar to the tea rose perfume her grandmother had worn for over twenty years. “And let me tell you something. All the celebrities are using this. Jennifer Aniston just bought a case of it.”
Who did she think she was fooling? “I really can’t afford it. As you know, I’m in the middle of moving, and I’m trying to save.”
“I can work out a little special for you. I usually don’t do this, but I’d be willing to take off fifty dollars. Off the whole set. It’s a real bargain.”
Even if Jewels took off two hundred and forty-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents, Elise wouldn’t fork over the penny. “That’s still way too much. I really can’t afford to be splurging on makeup right now.”
“Well, which products do you like? I can work out a little package for you.”
“Actually, I didn’t even bring my wallet. I didn’t think I’d need it. I always thought roommate hunting was one activity that was supposed to be free. Ha!” She chuckled, but the stoic expression on Jewels’s face suggested that she couldn’t take a joke. For once, she looked defeated.
“Well, all right. I’ll send you home with some pamphlets and brochures, and you can look them over. Just get back to me when you make up your mind.” But judging from her dry tone, they both knew Elise would never be ordering a single thing from Glow.
“I also have this, if you’re interested. I don’t tell everyone about this, but you seem . . . like you would be open to it.” She reached for another case. Elise felt like kicking the box like a soccer ball from her hands and running to the car. “I also host Passion Parties. They are the latest rage and a real blast. You might know some girlfriends that are interested in having one.”
She didn’t know anyone who would want to host a party for a makeup line called Passion, or any makeup line for that matter.
But when she opened the box, Elise immediately realized she wasn’t talking about makeup. What lay inside was X-rated. Dildos, vibrators, creams, and sex toys galore rested inside the little chest. “Now, I know you said you didn’t have a boyfriend. But you might need a little helper.”
Maybe she did need a vibrator, but she had come here looking for a roommate. She grabbed her purse, popped from the couch, and blurted out, “I just remembered something. I have to pick someone up at the airport.”
“Oh?”
Elise was already heading for the front door. “Yes. They’re flying in from . . . Singapore. Thanks for doing my makeup. Gotta run.”
She was practically sprinting down the driveway when Jewels called her. “Wait. You forgot these!”
Elise turned around and found her waving a stack of Glow pamphlets and brochures. She was afraid if she took one step toward Jewels she might pull out some other briefcase, this time filled with cocaine and opium. “I’m in a hurry. Just mail them to me.”
She sped from North Park without looking back.
When she pulled into Casa de Paradiso, Justine was standing outside their apartment smoking and watching Glorious D. His head bobbed up and down beneath funnels of cigarette smoke as she eyed him. She was edging into her parking space when she noticed their door ajar. Inside stood Max, holding a guitar and chatting with Jimmy. Her lava green eyes nearly exploded from her face. Even from her distant and slightly obscured view he looked hot. She could see his muscular forearm, the way veins ran down the muscle. She looked at his hair hanging loosely around his neck. Justine and Glorious D waved, and she noticed that her arm was a little unsteady from surprise when she waved back.
Remain calm. Calm, she told herself. Inhale. Exhale. She’d saunter inside, after making a few witty and insightful comments to Glorious D and Justine, which Max would overhear and think how sharp she was. Then she’d calmly say hello to him as if they were old friends. Hopefully, he’d tell her how happy he was to run into her because he’d gotten her note and had been meaning to take her up on the offer for white pizza.
She glanced in her rearview mirror just to make sure she didn’t have anything in her teeth. A startled moment passed as she actually thought that a local prostitute had snuck into the backseat of her car and was now waiting for the right opportunity to carjack her. “Damn,” she mumbled. She had forgotten about how bad she looked. There was no way in hell she was going in there looking like she’d just come from a meeting with Elvira’s makeup artist. She looked for something, anything, to wipe away the remnants of Jewels’s project. A week ago the Volkswagen had been littered with napkins and receipts, and now she wondered what in the world had possessed her to clean her car.
When she glanced back at the door, she noticed something even more alarming than her extreme makeover. Max was backing out of their doorway, saying good-bye to Jimmy. She had only one choice. She threw the car into reverse and screeched from her parking space. Glorious D turned to look, and Justine held out a hand, her brows furrowed. Elise had no idea if Max turned around, too, because she sped from the lot.
Driving from the parking lot like a madman was repairable, but facing Max looking like a stripper could cause irreparable damage.