Roommates

A few days later Melissa called in deep and dire need of a babysitter. “Brice was supposed to take the afternoon off, and he had an emergency, and I have a doctor’s appointment. I really don’t want to take Jeffrey with me,” she said. “I’ll only be gone a couple of hours. Please. I’ll pay you well, and if you want to lie out at the pool while he’s sleeping, you can.”

“Thank you!” She heard Jeffrey squeal loudly in the background, and she wondered what in the hell she had just gotten herself into. However, now that she had a date lined up with Max, she could use the money for new clothes. She thought about how much more she could buy if she had the two hundred dollars that Justine owed her in her pocket. At times the irritation was so overwhelming that she couldn’t even think about it.

Melissa was holding Jeffrey when Elise arrived, and he looked huge in her arms. “Isn’t that bad for your back?” she asked. “I mean with the baby and everything.”

Jeffrey was sucking on a cherry popsicle, and he stuck his bright red tongue out at Elise when she looked at him. “Hi, Jeffrey.”

“Let’s show Aunt Lise your new toy. She followed them to the backyard. Jeffrey immediately squirmed free of his mother’s arms and ran toward a small child-sized Jeep. It was camouflage and had thick black tires and a fake walkie-talkie next to the steering wheel. “Show Aunt Lise how you drive it,” Melissa called.

He jumped into the little vehicle, and Elise imagined that pedals rested somewhere beneath the steering wheel. This would be great exercise for him, she thought. He could really use the cardio. She waited for him to pedal with all his all his strength back toward them, but instead his chubby fingers turned the ignition, and his little off-road vehicle came buzzing to life.

“Oh yeah. It’s so neat.” Her sister smiled from ear to ear, and Elise wondered what kind of drugs she and Brice were on. They gave him control of a car? No matter how small it was, the child was insane. She watched as Jeffrey steered the Jeep in circles around their hedges. Melissa didn’t seem to notice when he took out two branches on their Double Delight rose plant. Instead she waved to him, then turned to Elise. “Isn’t it fun?”

She watched Jeffrey ride over safe terrain, keeping within his concrete path for several minutes. He occasionally sliced the side of a hedge and sent leaves scattering like confetti over the ground, but for the most part he was a decent driver.

Shortly after Melissa left, Goldie, their golden retriever, came bounding out from her dog door and ran to the lawn. Elise watched as the dog sniffed the ground for a moment, then squatted her hind legs to pee.

Jeffrey was heading in the dog’s direction, and she thought for sure he would slow down when he noticed Goldie. However, she became a little alarmed when he didn’t. Rather he pursed his lips together and continued on the same route.

The dog was taking care of business and didn’t seem to notice the little army vehicle heading toward her until the last minute. Elise screamed for him to slow down, but he didn’t stop. Goldie bolted just in time, barely missing the Jeep’s front bumper. Ears back, she ran back to the house with her tail between her legs.

Elise was wondering how much longer he was going to ride the Jeep when she realized he was headed her way. She held up a hand and chuckled. “Uh, real cute, Jeffrey. Now slow down,” she said as calmly as possible while backing away from him. “You’re not going to run me over. Are—” She crashed into the a patio chair and fought to stay balanced. When she regained her composure she quickly headed for the grass.

As he sped up, a look of sheer delight crossed his face. At the last minute she jumped onto the lawn, coming within a millimeter of landing in the fattest pile of dog poop she’d ever seen. She was trying to maneuver her feet so she could flee without stepping in crap when she noticed that he was reversing right toward her. “Jeffrey!” she screeched as her eyes darted for a way out. She had no choice but to jump onto the Jacuzzi cover. He slammed on the brakes before crashing into the hot tub. She thought this might deter him, but he backed up and peeled out.

How was she going to stop him? And even more important, how did her sister deal with him every single day? Maybe he was different around Melissa. She watched as he tore around the yard, leaving skid marks on the lawn and shouting with glee every time a bird fled his path.

He was taking corners quickly, occasionally riding on two wheels. How would she stop him? Was she going to have to yell for a neighbor? Would the police come with a stun gun?

His arms were as stiff as missiles and his brows furrowed as he headed back toward her. He rounded the corner next to the spa, and his hair flopped over his head when the Jeep turned on two wheels. She watched in horror as the tiny auto flipped onto its side and sent Jeffrey flying from the driver’s seat like a small rocket.

“Oh my God,” she breathed as she jumped from the spa. She didn’t hear tears, only the buzz of the Jeep’s engine, its wheels still spinning even after the collision.

He sat up just as she reached him. He looked dazed, and a long piece of dead grass dangled from his hair. “I crashed, Aunt Lise,” he said quietly.

He nodded, looking more embarrassed than hurt. She caught a pungent whiff of poo and remembered where he had landed. “Let’s put you in the shower,” she said. “You landed in Goldie’s poop.”

He seemed to enjoy showering, as he refused to get out once he was in there. She thought for sure he would get sick of sliding around on the shower floor, but he sat behind the glass in their guest bathroom, his hair matted to his face like palm fronds, while his bare butt slid across the tile. Every time she went to turn off the water, he screamed so loud she was afraid the neighbors would call the police. So she waited, figuring he’d get bored sooner or later. It wasn’t until they ran out of hot water that he decided he’d had enough. After that, he fell asleep in front of Bob the Builder.

She was starving and was delighted to find their cupboards and refrigerator stocked full of good food. And it wasn’t even the generic stuff that Elise was forced to buy due to financial constraints.

How nice it must be to buy in bulk, she thought, as she pulled a chocolate-chip granola bar from a Costco-sized box. She could only hope for the day when buying things like granola bars didn’t seem like a luxury. She also helped herself to a soda before making herself a bagel with garlic cream cheese.

She was cleaning up her crumbs when Melissa returned. “If I’m not in labor by the thirtieth they’re inducing me,” she said. “I’m so ready to have this baby. I can’t sleep anymore because it’s hard to breathe when I lie down. Anyway, how was everything?”

Elise explained his little accident. “I’ll have Brice throw it out,” Melissa said. “Anyway, how is everything going with you? Your new place? Your love life? Any developments with the movie rights?”

“Well, everything is so slow in the book world. I’ve learned not to think about it that much. It could be a while before I hear anything about the movie rights.” She debated telling her about Max but then remembered how bored Melissa was and how she would undoubtedly tell her parents. Elise’s love life would be the most exciting thing that had happened in their country-clubbing world. She told her about Justine ripping her off instead.

“The girl has no class!” Melissa yelled. “And why can’t she pull her head out of her ass and quit thinking about her dumb boyfriend for one minute? If you don’t get that money back, sue her ass!” Elise hadn’t heard her sister cuss like this since she had become a mother. Clearly, her hormones were raging in the last part of her pregnancy. Talking about Justine with someone else made her even more angry and for some reason seeing her sister’s anger just fueled her irritation.

On the way home Max called her. “What are you up to tonight?” he said. “I have to go to The Casbah to do sound for The Dragons. But why don’t you stop by?”

She was not only happy that she would get to see him before their dinner date on Sunday but ecstatic that he, too, wanted to see her before Sunday. She was so glad he wasn’t the type of guy that played games, or that she wouldn’t end up borrowing Carly’s copy of He’s Just Not That Into You. He was into her, and after her day with Jeffrey she couldn’t think of a better way to spend the evening.

He’d told her to call him when she was parking, so he could come outside and meet her. She was sort of glad he’d made the suggestion because The Casbah wasn’t located in the friendliest part of town. It was situated just minutes from the airport and located in a neighborhood similar to her old one. She called him on his cell phone, and he waited on the corner for her while she parked.

He kissed her on the cheek when they found each other. She caught the same whiff of mint and leather. “Nice jacket,” he said.

She had stopped at the mall on the way home from babysitting and splurged on a velvet jacket with gathered sleeves. She’d also found a pair of delicious Marc Jacobs heels on sale at Nordstrom. The pink peep-toe heels were a little steep, but it was Max, she’d told herself.

The bar was dim but had a red glow cast over it, and she noticed some goats’ heads painted on the wall. So it wouldn’t be up Marge’s alley, but it was a mecca for local rock bands.

They chatted on stools in the back. Then he taught her how to play pool while the opening band played. She decided there might not be anything sexier than a man with a pool stick. Watching him lean over the table to concentrate on his shot stirred visions of him hovering over her, and she wondered what he would look like with no clothes on.

“Here,” he said, coming up behind her. “Aim to the left, and you’ll get that shot.” His hands brushed over her arms as he helped her reposition her pool stick. She knew she didn’t look nearly as skilled or sexy with a cue, but she didn’t mind him touching her.

She would’ve stayed all night, but he was going to be doing the sound for for the headlining band and she didn’t want him to feel like he had to entertain her. When she left, he walked her to her car. She felt her stomach turn with butterflies at the thought of him kissing her good-bye.

“Of course.” Then he lowered his head slowly, and without giving it much thought, she moved toward him. He was a fantastic kisser, very little tongue and mostly soft lips. She loved feeling the roughness of his soul patch on her chin.

He pulled her into his arms, and she felt him get hard right there in the alley near The Casbah. If she wasn’t concerned about the drug addict going through the trash ten feet away from them, she probably would’ve pulled him into the backseat of her bug and taken his clothes off right there beneath the glow of a streetlight. “You should probably get back to work,” she said as he kissed her forehead.

He looked down at the bulge in his pants, and they both started laughing. He waited until her car was started and she had pulled out of her space before heading back to The Casbah.

She smelled beer as she walked up the staircase. She expected to see a dozen random people passed out on their couches, but to her relief the party had apparently dissipated. However, a load of evidence remained. Dozens of beer cans littered the coffee table. A bag of potato chips lay on the floor, its contents scattered like shards of glass all over the carpet. She stepped over a spilled beer and headed to the kitchen.

She wanted tuna. Ever since she went to the horse races her appetite had gone on vacation, and she had started craving the strangest things at the oddest times. She’d lost weight, too. Just this morning she’d caught a glimpse of herself laughing in the mirror and was thrilled to see that the little ridges in her neck were showing, rather than the double chin she’d caught sight of only a month ago.

She opened a can of tuna, and since there were no clean bowls, she decided to eat straight from the can. She washed a fork, then took her low-carb meal to the couch. Fargo was on, and she watched the tail end of the movie while eating. Fargo was one of those movies she could never get sick of watching. She’d probably seen it thirty times and still got excited when it was on television.

When she got up from the couch she felt as if her hair had gotten wedged between a couple of couch cushions. She reached her hands back to feel what it was and release her hair and quickly withdrew when her fingertips touched something sticky. It felt like gum. Her suspicions were confirmed when she smelled her fingertips and got a blast of icy mint.

The last time she had gum in her hair had been in preschool. She couldn’t remember the specific incident, just that her mother had tried for several minutes to slip the strawberry pink gum from Elise’s hair with peanut butter. She’d gotten most of it out but eventually had to pull out the scissors and snip a small lock from Elise’s head. The damage had lasted a lifetime, because their family portraits were taken the following week, and Elise looked as if she had cut her own hair.

What would Max think the next time he saw her and one lock of hair was several inches shorter than the rest? She would have to cut her hair short and would look like a boy. She immediately went for the peanut butter. It wasn’t hers, but she didn’t care. She unscrewed the lid and noticed several blobs of various jelly flavors and streaks of greasy butter around the top of their Skippy. Wiping the knife clean before dipping into the peanut butter was just too much work for them. She used a wooden spoon to dish out some peanut butter and then rubbed it generously between her fingers.

She worked hard, rubbing it like grease into her hair where the gum was stuck. It took several minutes, but she actually felt like she was making some progress. She headed to her bedroom for a comb. She’d started stashing most of her toiletries in there after she’d noticed blonde silky hairs in the teeth of her hairbrush a few days earlier.

She passed a small pile of cat shit outside Iris’s door and avoided stepping in it. Elise’s bedroom door was closed, as she had left it. When she opened it, she was confused. There was a giant mound beneath her covers. Then she saw a dark mound of hair—no, two mounds of hair. There were people in her bed.

“Ah-hem.” She cleared her throat, and Scrubbles and Bella both looked up at Elise from the floor. Bella ran to Elise and jumped all over her calves. She even released a few yips. However, the dog barking did nothing to wake the two intruders. She looked at their shoes lying next to her bed. His and hers. If they had sex in her bed, she was buying a new mattress.

She didn’t know which roommate to blame for this, but due to the cat crap outside Iris’s door, she decided to try Megan first. She carried Bella with her to Megan’s room and held her with one arm while knocking with the other.

She waited, then knocked again. Nothing. Maybe she wasn’t knocking loud enough. She began to bang, and the dog squirmed.

Her tone immediately softened. “Oh. Elise, sorry. I thought you were Iris.” She heard footsteps. Then Megan opened the door with a towel around her chest. “What’s up?”

“Well, after getting gum in my hair, I went to my bedroom for a comb and found two people in my bed. Are those your friends in my bed?”

She thought for a moment. “Oh yeah. Uh-huh. They are. Brittany and Hunter slept in your bed. I thought you were staying with Max.” She walked out of her room, holding a towel around her thin body. “I’ll tell them to get out.”

Megan opened Elise’s door. “Hey you guys. Wake up. My roommate is home, and she wants her bed back. You guys have to get out.”

There were no apologies, and they didn’t even really seem to be embarrassed for that matter. Elise was just thankful they were wearing clothes.

After they left she spent an hour removing the gum from her hair. She was tired but relieved that she wouldn’t end up looking like Chynna Phillips in the early days of Wilson Phillips. It was too late to do laundry, so she ended up sleeping on the top of her covers. Bella slept curled against her side, and Scrubbles slept at her feet.