Chapter Twenty

SOMETIMES ALEX WANTS Eli so badly it’s like resisting a physical confrontation. Like a fight on the ice in the third period of a playoff game. Like someone has a hand in his jersey and is dragging him forward and he knows it’s going to end in a fist to the face, gloves off and bloody, but there’s nothing he can do to stop it, just maybe delay it a little. Because it’s going to fucking hurt when it’s over.

It’s all Alex can do not to kiss him when Eli comes down the arrivals staircase. Instead, he hugs him. Well. It’s a little excessive for a hug. “Picks him up and shoves his face in his sternum” might be a little more accurate but —

“Alexander Price, you put me down right now.”

“What,” Alex says, grinning up at him, arms tight around Eli’s hips. “Kuzy can do it, but I can’t?”

“I’m not afraid that Kuzy is going to drop me.”

“EXCUSE YOU?”

Eli laughs, stealing Alex’s hat and settling it, backwards, on his own head.

Alex puts him down so he can take it back. He’d left the house in a hurry, and his hair is a mess.

That’s when he notices the man with a camera.

He’s standing just to the side of the first rental car kiosk, all the way on the other side of the baggage claim atrium. The telephoto lens on his camera tells Alex that his presence there isn’t an accident.

“What?” Eli asks but notices where Alex is looking before he can respond.

Eli takes a deliberate step away from him, expression shuttering, and Alex is abruptly furious.

He slings an arm around Eli’s shoulders. “Ignore him,” he says, pulling Eli tightly to his side. “Let’s go get your bags.”

Eli glances up at him, uncertain, but doesn’t pull away. “Okay.”

The pictures are on the internet before they even get back to Alex’s place.

Alex knows this because his phone starts ringing as they’re waiting to pull into the parking garage.

“It was half an hour ago,” Alex answers in lieu of a greeting.

Jessica’s silence is judgmental. How, he isn’t sure. But it definitely is.

“Kuzy did the same exact thing, and he didn’t get in trouble,” Alex interjects before she has a chance to say anything. “I should be allowed to hug my—Eli, without people freaking out about my goddamn sexuality.”

He realizes he’s whining. It’s fine.

“First, you’re not ‘in trouble.’ If you want to pick up your friend at the airport—literally,” she says, sotto voce, “that’s your prerogative. I’m just here to talk to you about public reception and potentially mitigating speculation.”

“So?” Alex says. Well, sighs really.

He wedges the phone between his ear and shoulder so he can roll down the car window and scan his fob for the garage gate.

“So Eli’s pictures with Dmitri last week were actually helpful. Obviously, it’s early, but the journalist who published the pictures, and most comments so far, seems to think you’re intentionally messing with the press at this point. It also helped that you looked right at the camera before you put your arm around his shoulder.”

“Oh…kay?”

“Of course, there are those who speculate you’ve employed Dmitri’s help in covering up the fact that you’re in a relationship with Eli, but we can deal with that.”

Alex rolls his window back up. “Why do they think it’s me hiding a relationship and not Kuzy?”

Eli, quiet until then in the passenger seat, sucks in a breath.

Jessica doesn’t respond for a moment.

“What?” Alex says.

“You’ve never had a girlfriend,” Jessica says. “You’ve never even been seen spending one-on-one time with a woman. Never been caught on a walk of shame. And, for all your ill-advised exploits your rookie year, you’ve never been photographed in a compromising position with a woman. Ever. Do you know how unusual it is that I’ve not once had photographs of you groping some girl in a club come across my desk? Which—don’t get me wrong—I’m very happy about, but people who have been paying attention to your past are all too happy to point out that you have zero history with dating, or even hooking up with the opposite gender. Dmitri, on the other hand…”

Alex sighs.

Kuzy is a serial monogamist. He loves quickly, and wholly, and documents the minutia of his affection across various social media platforms until the relationships end. There’s no question that Kuzy loves women.

“There’s also—” She pauses, and Alex doesn’t like the sound of that at all. “There’s also James Petrov.”

Alex wrenches the steering wheel a little too sharply as he’s turning the corner and flails for a moment, dropping the phone as he tries not to sideswipe a Mercedes.

He curses while Eli leans over the center console to retrieve it.

“Hey. Sorry. Dropped my phone. What about James?”

Eli stills beside him.

“No one has published anything yet, but I did a little digging myself. Just to cover our bases. You two weren’t exactly subtle, in juniors. It’s like I said before—little things add up. And if someone ever decides to compile all the little pictures and interviews and Instagram posts…it might be compelling enough for people to take notice, is all I’m saying. Which is why you need to be careful. Provided—”

“Provided I don’t want to come out,” Alex says. It occurs to him he’s never actually confirmed to Jessica that he’s gay. But then, she always has been very good at her job.

“Yes,” Jessica agrees.

“Right.”

Alex pulls into his parking space and leans on the steering wheel for a minute. “Okay. Thanks. Keep me posted, I guess? I just got home.”

“I’m assuming Eli is with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Go enjoy your evening. We can talk more later.”

Alex hangs up but doesn’t move.

“Should I ask?” Eli says.

“It’s not a big deal,” Alex says, turning off the car. “Jessica was warning me there’s speculation. That we’re—you and me—are together, and Kuzy is, like, trying to help throw people off.”

“Oh.”

“Apparently my history doesn’t really help things.”

“History?”

“I’ve never had a girlfriend. And all the old media from juniors with me and James is a little damning, I guess.”

He takes off his hat and scrubs a hand through his hair before replacing it. “I’ve never been good at hiding how I feel.”

“That’s…not a bad thing,” Eli says. “Normally.”

“Yeah,” Alex agrees. “Normally. Come on.”

Alex pauses as he’s pulling Eli’s suitcase out of the back hatch. “Oh. Are you staying tonight? I didn’t even ask if you wanted to come here; I just assumed. Do you want to go back to your dorm? I can take you now. Or maybe after we’ve eaten?”

Eli reaches for the side handle on the bag and helps Alex pull it all the way out. “I was planning to stay here tonight, if that’s okay.”

“Oh. Good. Cool. Yes.”

They’re quiet on the way up to Alex’s apartment, elbows bumping in the elevator.

Once inside, Eli takes off Hawk’s vest, and Alex immediately drops into a crouch to say hi. She locates her braided rope toy under the couch, and they roll around the kitchen floor while Eli goes to shower the airplane off his skin.

Eventually, Alex’s arms get tired of playing tug-o-war, and he lies on the rug, faceup, letting Hawk use him as a pillow while she chews triumphantly on her rope—the knotted end occasionally whacking Alex in the face. Bells watches judgmentally from the couch. He loves it.

Eli, barefooted, damp, and smiling, finds them there a few minutes later.

He’s wearing Alex’s clothes. The T-shirt is one he’s had for years, over-washed and soft, the collar separated in places. Alex has to close his eyes for a minute.

“Hawk missed you,” Eli says, sitting next to Alex’s head.

“I missed her too.” He shifts Hawk off his chest and onto the floor so he can sit up. “Are you hungry?”

“Not really. Just tired. It was a good visit, but it was also…a lot.”

Eli’s phone buzzes on the counter, and he stands to retrieve it, huffing out a laugh as he returns. He sits closer this time, cross-legged, one bare knee touching Alex’s hip. His skin is still flushed from the hot water. He smells like Alex’s soap, and Alex can’t decide if he loves it or hates it.

“I’m sorry,” Eli says, looking at his phone.

Alex takes a moment to refocus. “Hmm?”

“Kuzy just sent me some screencaps of gossip articles, pretending to be jealous.”

“Jealous about what?”

“About how you and I have some sort of epic hidden romance. I know this is what you were trying to avoid, but it’s also—” He shrugs a little helplessly.

“It’s also what?”

“It’s nice. That people think, you know. That.”

“What?”

“That someone would want me. That someone like you would want me.”

The look on Eli’s face—a little embarrassed, a little pleased—makes Alex feel like he’s just been punched in the stomach.

And suddenly he’s angry.

“I need you to do me a favor and never say anything like that ever again,” he says.

Eli laughs, but it’s self-deprecating. And Alex just can’t handle it anymore.

It’s not graceful.

There’s a dog in between them, and Eli’s mouth is half-open because he’s about to say something else, but Alex just—

Kisses him.

In an awkward half lunge with one hand braced on the floor and the other moving to turn Eli’s face into his, and it’s—

It’s not graceful. But it is good.

At least until Eli shoves him away.

“What are you doing?” he says, standing with none of his usual grace.

Alex stands, too, because it seems like the thing to do.

“I don’t know,” he admits. And it occurs to him now how horribly, horribly stupid that was. “I’m sorry. Fuck. I’m sorry. But your face.”

“My face? What does that even—” Eli paces into the kitchen and leans both hands on the island, and Alex follows because of course he does.

“You drive me crazy,” Alex says. “All the time. And then you say things like— And it’s stupid. Because you’re”—he gestures wordlessly, unable to describe everything that makes Eli so—“you’re you. And that’s…the best thing. Anyone would be lucky to have you. I would be lucky to have you. Not, like, the other way around.”

“What?” Eli says.

“What what?” Alex answers.

Hawk, baffled and a little concerned, sits up to watch them.

“You can’t say you’d be ‘lucky to have me’ when you don’t want me. That’s bullshit, Alex.”

“I don’t—what are you talking about? Of course I do.”

“No,” Eli says. “No, you don’t. Because you said—you said you weren’t willing to risk your career, and you wouldn’t date anyone until you were retired.”

“Yeah, but I’d only known you for like a week at that point. How was I supposed to know that you’d—that you’re—”

“That I’m what?”

“That you’d be worth it! Maybe. I don’t know. And what about you? You said you wouldn’t be okay with dating someone who wasn’t out.”

“Okay,” Eli says, sounding a little winded. “That’s— I could say the same thing.”

“Say the same thing as what?”

“That maybe you’d be worth it,” Eli shouts.

“Well, fuck,” Alex says.

“Yeah.”

Eli exhales, sliding down the side of the island to sit with his back braced against it. After a moment of consideration, Alex joins him, pressed shoulder to shoulder, breathing unsteadily.

Hawk happily moves to drape herself across their laps, and they both reach out to pet her automatically.

Neither of them says anything for several seconds.

“So what if we…tried,” Eli says, attention on his fingers sifting through Hawk’s fur.

Alex opens his mouth and closes it again. “I’m going to need more than that.”

“We could try. Being together. I guess.”

“But you don’t—”

“You don’t either, but—”

“Yeah.”

This isn’t actually a conversation, Alex thinks a little hysterically. “We’d just—keep it a secret? And…see?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with that?” Alex asks.

“Yes.”

“You shouldn’t have to be anyone’s secret.”

“You shouldn’t have to keep me a secret, but the world sucks. So.”

There’s this feeling of rising…euphoria, maybe? It’s hot in the back of Alex’s throat, like maybe this can happen; maybe he does get to have this after all.

But he tries to push it down, at least momentarily, in favor of rational thought. “What if we’re a disaster? Apart from Jeff, you’re my best friend, and I don’t want to fuck that up.”

Eli leans into him a little, thinking. “We’ll just agree not to let things get weird. If it doesn’t work, we’ll be awkward for a couple weeks, and then everything will go back to normal.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

Alex breathes for a moment. Because things not working isn’t his biggest concern. And he could leave it. He doesn’t have to talk about it now. But he should. Because he learned the hard way that letting someone in doesn’t mean they’ll stay.

“And what if it’s great?” he asks.

“Then that’s…good?”

“No. I mean, what if we’re perfect together, and shit’s, like, real. And nobody knows.”

Eli bites his lip.

He doesn’t say anything for several seconds, which is a comfort; it means he’s really thinking about it.

“I’m not sure I could do that indefinitely,” Eli says finally. “Waiting until you retired, or whatever. I think I would get mad. Resent you. If I tried. So I’d have to know there was an end point. Even if the timeline was years and not months.”

“How many years?”

“Alex. We haven’t even—”

“No,” he says, insistent. “I’m not starting something if it’s just going to fall apart because of—”

“Three,” Eli interrupts. “Three years, max. By the time I graduate.”

“Okay,” Alex says.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. If things work.” He rubs his palms down Hawk’s spine, trying to get his hands to stop shaking. “I think I could be ready by then. I’m not now. But I could be, eventually. For a good reason.”

“I’m a good reason?”

“Best one I’ve found.”

“Holy shit. That was smooth.”

Alex laughs, which was probably Eli’s goal. “Thanks.”

Eli loops his arm through Alex’s, resting his head against Alex’s shoulder, and drags the knuckles of his opposite hand up and down the soft skin of Alex’s inner bicep. “I’m assuming you need a minute?”

And Alex does. Because this is big. This is huge. And the happiness in his gut is tempered by warranted fear.

“Do you need to call Anika?” Eli asks.

Alex’s first reaction is anger. That shouldn’t even be a question. It’s not fair that he lives in a world where getting something he wants—something he wants so badly—also necessitates a talk with a goddamn therapist. His second reaction, though, is overwhelming affection. Eli is probably freaking out just as much as he is right now, but Eli is still trying to take care of him and that’s…good.

“No. I’ll call her tomorrow. Thanks though.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Eli clears his throat. “So. We’ve been very mature and rational about this whole thing, I think.”

“Yeah?”

“Which is great. But could we maybe not? For a minute?”

Alex doesn’t understand. “I don’t understand.”

“Well, all this talking about the future and stuff is, uh, healthy. But—” Eli licks his lips, then bites them, then makes an embarrassed noise.

Oh.

Alex grins. “You want to make out like a couple of teenagers for a while?”

Eli grins back at him. “Yes, please.”

“I’d be okay with that,” Alex says magnanimously.

Eli leans over to snag Hawk’s rope toy and tosses it into the living room. The moment she scrambles after it, skidding a little on the concrete floor, Eli climbs into Alex’s newly vacated lap.

Alex’s hands settle automatically at Eli’s waist, palms cupping the lean swell of his hips, thumbs pressed to the sharp jut of his hipbones, nails dragging, lightly, against the warm skin just beneath the hem of his shirt. His hands move without him really telling them to—up the taut muscle of Eli’s sides, fingers settling briefly in the trenches of his ribs as Eli inhales sharply.

There’s so much of him that Alex wants to touch, and he can because it’s allowed now and—

Eli reaches for Alex’s face, laughing, and Alex remembers, a little belatedly, that he’s supposed to be kissing him.

“Hi,” Alex says.

“Hi,” Eli agrees.