The dude was a stoner. I mean, a serious stoner. We’re talking first-thing-in-the-morning, last-thing-at-night stoner. An all day, every day stoner.
It didn’t start out that way; it never does. In high school, he loved to “party” — but only when there were actual parties. By the time he graduated college, he no longer needed the pretense of a party. He just got stoned — wherever and whenever. In fact, I don’t think he ever allowed himself to be un-stoned.
Everybody around him — his wife, his family, his friends — became increasingly troubled as they witnessed his steady descent into apathetic lethargy. But everyone was nervous about confronting him — no one wanted to create any turmoil. So, I took it upon myself to step up and have a real heart-to-heart talk with him. I let him know, first and foremost, that I cared about him. And that I was worried about him. His declining job performance. His physical health from smoking and his safety while driving. His agitated and depressive mood swings. The effects on those close to him. The disappointment of his wife. The role modeling for his kids. I laid it all out as clearly and convincingly as possible.
When I finished, there was a long pause. His eyes glazed over. (But then again, they were always glazed over.) He took a breath and attempted to muster some degree of earnestness: “Yeah bro, I hear ya. I definitely have to maybe start thinking about maybe cutting down or maybe something like that at some point…”
Well, that was the end of that. Words reveal intentions. I might as well have been talking to a wall…a stoned one.
He wasn’t ready. In fact, he might never be ready. And the rude awakening was that nobody could really do anything about it. I had run smack-dab into the limits of control. Mine. And everybody else’s.
If he wanted to change, it was up to him. It could all start with a decision, a commitment to take action. With that, we could help. Without it, we were helpless. We had to let go of our attempt to control the outcome. Even more disturbing was the realization that most things — and people — are beyond our ability to control. To assume otherwise is foolhardy and delusional. And we can put that in our pipe and smoke it.