“What do women want?” This question has baffled men for millennia. Although I am not a fan of Freudian theory, I have to confess that I felt a certain degree of kinship with Herr Doktor when I learned that this mystery plagued him as well, evidently throughout most of his professional — and personal — life.
In my first year of graduate school in psychology, this topic was the fodder for passionate, and sometimes fierce, classroom debates. The consensus was that although men have their own idiosyncrasies, they are, by comparison, relatively simple creatures. But there was no resolution as to what drives women.
I became thoroughly obsessed. For weeks, I was a man on a mission. I asked every woman I knew — and even women I’d never met before — “What do you think women want?” I heard it all: “To be understood.” “To be taken care of.” “To be adored.” “To be respected.” “To be rescued.” “To receive equal pay.” “To be listened to.” “To be worshipped.” “To be ravished.” “To be loved.”
Then very late one night, I was at a friend’s apartment, listening to some music with his roommate, an eccentric thirtysomething woman named “Birdie.” Although this was the early 1980s, Birdie looked like a remnant from the Woodstock era — replete with fringe jacket, tie-dyed tank top, and free spirit. Hoping that Birdie would have something unique to say about all of this, I posed the question to her. She took a slow swig of her Southern Comfort. Then, with a knowing smile and a twinkle in her eye, she replied, “Oh, I know what they want.” My curiosity was piqued: “Okay, what? Ya gotta tell me!” She responded with cool confidence: “It’s just a four-letter word.”
This was big. Was one of the great mysteries of the universe about to be revealed to me? Was I going to peer into the inner recesses of the feminine psyche? The anticipation was excruciating. My mind raced…What four-letter word could it be? Was it “love?” Was it the linguistically crasser version of “sex?”
Her response froze me in my tracks: “M-o-r-e.” I didn’t understand. “More what?” I implored. She shrugged, grinning from ear to ear. “Whatever. More whatever.” “But,” I countered, “what if they’re asking for less of something?” She replied, “Then do more of that.” By now, my brain was sloshing around like a Maytag washer in overdrive: “You mean, ‘more’ includes doing ‘more less’?” She looked gleeful, almost triumphant, as she readjusted her macramé headband, and sauntered off to the kitchen to pour herself another two fingers of whiskey.
When I saw Birdie a few days later, I mentioned that her insight really had a powerful impact on me. She looked puzzled and asked me what I was talking about. So, I recounted every detail of our conversation. Her eyes widened. “Did I say that? Hmm. Oh, well.” As if it never even happened…
Was she just drunk? Was she toying with me? Did she really reveal a profound truth? Was it all of the above?
Well, I’m not saying that Birdie was right. And I’m not saying that she was wrong. But I do know that “what do women want?” seems as elusive as ever — destined to take its place in the pantheon of other age-old questions, akin to “what is the nature of creativity?” “what is the meaning of life?” and “what is the origin of the cosmos?” And while we busy ourselves pondering these imponderables, I think it wise not to get a bloody head from futilely bashing it against a wall. Some things seem destined to remain unknowable.