Josh was waiting for them as they arrived back at the Marquis of Granby Inn, he had an anxious look on his face.
‘I’m sorry, Captain. I’ve got bad news for thee.’
‘What? Is it the Breeze? What’s happened, man?’
‘Breeze got away, sir, they saw what was happening and hauled up ’anchor.’
Annie touched Matt’s arm to quell his anxiety. ‘Is anybody hurt, Josh?’
‘No, thank God, though they could have been. Revenue men appeared just as we were shipping stuff on shore. They must have been watching for ’ship, they seemed to come from nowhere. I’m sorry, Captain, Mrs Hope – and just when I was left in charge an’ all. I feel that bad about it.’
‘Did they get all the stuff? Nobody was caught?’ Annie pressed him for details.
‘They got most of ’brandy and geneva, and all ’bales of tobacco and they caught one man. He stayed to fight instead of running like ’rest of us. Master Toby allus said that if ’Rev men turned up we was never to argue or stand up to ’em, but to tail it as fast as we could. But he was allus a bit hotheaded was—!’ He was about to say the man’s name, then checked himself. ‘He’s on ’list as number eighteen, Mrs Hope. Tha’d better cross him off, he won’t be around for a bit.’
‘Have they taken him to Hull?’ She had a vision of the crumbling dank old gaol.
‘Aye. Onny I don’t know where they’ll house him, they’re pulling ’old gaol down. But they’ll find somewhere secure no doubt.’
‘Will he talk?’ Matt frowned. ‘Does he know names?’
Josh shook his head. ‘He’ll not talk, and onny name he knows is mine, but he’ll not give it.’ He gave an ironic snort. ‘He’s a sort of relation, my wife’s sister’s husband—, he’ll not talk cos he knows I’m onny one left to look after his wife and bairns while he’s in gaol.’
‘That’s a damned shame.’ Matt cursed softly as they walked back towards the cottage. ‘We’ll have to ease off for a while. I’ll take the Breeze along the coast for a week or two, Roxton will get fed up of hanging around the river-bank. It’s me he’s after of course, not the men on land, though he’ll get a bonus for capturing the goods. That’s if the commissioners pay up, they’re notoriously slow.’ He laughed. ‘You can hardly blame Roxton and his colleagues for being frustrated.’
‘He’s after me too,’ Annie added. ‘Only he doesn’t know it’s me! The last time I met him he said he was after my lover – he meant that stranger in breeches and boots who gallops around the countryside on horseback!’
Matt put his arm around her. ‘You must take care. They’ll put you in gaol as readily as any man.’
He kissed her goodbye when they reached the cottage. ‘I won’t come in,’ he smiled as she tried to persuade him. ‘If I do, I won’t want to leave, and the crew will be waiting for me.’
‘You’ll take care won’t you? Don’t antagonize the Customs men.’ She suddenly felt afraid, she couldn’t bear it if he should be captured, or killed as Toby had been; her life would be finished.
He laughed. ‘Would I do such a thing as that? Not I! The next time I come up river I shall have only legitimate goods, duty paid. So warn everyone there’ll be no activity for a few weeks.’
It amused her to visit Mr Beddows again, dressed in her breeches and boots and with Toby’s hat pulled over her face. She met him at night in his orchard on a pre-arranged meeting and they spoke only in whispers as he handed over the money he owed. She told him that there wouldn’t be any goods for him for a while as the customs were getting too close to take the risk.
‘Mm,’ he pondered. ‘That’s a pity, and Roxton can’t be bribed, it’s been tried. He’s as straight as an arrow that fellow. Well, never mind, young man, we’ll just have to be patient.’
Snow was falling as she rode into Hessle and she knocked on Robin’s door to ask him to tell Josh to collect Sorrel and have him stabled as the weather was obviously going to get much worse. Robin answered the door and she thought how pale and thin he looked, he hadn’t got over his last bout of fever, and his left hand was bandaged.
He held it up at her query. ‘I’ve been working at ’quarry,’ he said. ‘But I nearly sliced me finger off wi’ one of pick axes. I can’t go in now until its healed, so there’s no wages coming in.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m not cut out for this sort of life, Annie. I was meant to be a gentleman, I’m sure of it. It’s just unfortunate that I was born at ’wrong time and in wrong place.’
She laughed with him. He could always make a joke, could Robin, but she couldn’t help thinking that his slight frame wasn’t meant to be wielding a pick or crowbar in an effort to extract chalk from the quarry; or even to be breathing in the fumes as the chalk was burnt to make lime mortar for builders, for the work was hard and arduous and needed strength and muscle such as his brother Josh had.
The time hung heavily as the weather worsened and she brought in extra kindling and logs for the fire and fetched in another bucket of water from the spring. Then she opened her door one morning to find that snow had been falling heavily and had drifted halfway up the door frame. She’d brought in a spade just a few days before and with some effort managed to make a way through. The snow lay pristine and sparkling, a white carpet down to the river which in contrast to the snow, looked grey.
The following two days she couldn’t get out at all for the wind had blown the snow almost to the top of the door and window, so she built up the fire and crept back into bed to try to keep warm and hoped the thaw would soon come. On the third day she busied herself sorting out the lists of numbers for the contacts on land, the farmers and men of property who were eager to buy from those who ran the risk of smuggling the goods from across the sea, the labouring men and women who supplemented their meagre income by waiting on wet wintry nights by the river for the ship to appear and offload into their coggy boats.
She put her head onto the table. She felt tired and lethargic and slightly nauseous. I haven’t had much to eat, she thought. I’ll make some gruel, that’ll settle me and give me some energy. She poured water and oats into a pan and placed it on the fire to boil. It started to bubble and thicken and when it was cooked she poured some of it into a bowl. It was thick and glutinous and stuck to the spoon.
‘I never was much of a cook,’ she muttered to herself, ‘but I suppose it’s better than nothing.’
She ate no more than half of it when she started to feel sick again and so lay down on the bed. But a minute later sat up retching.
‘Oh,’ she groaned, her eyes streaming and the back of her throat strained. ‘I haven’t felt as sick as this since – since – our Jimmy!’
Realization hit her like a blow and she closed her eyes and put her hand to her head. ‘Oh,’ she whispered. ‘I never thought! I didn’t think I could!’
She never imagined that she would become pregnant again after the dreadful labour she had had with Jimmy. The midwife had shaken her head and said she needn’t worry any more. Her flux had never been regular and when she thought back she couldn’t even remember when her last one had been.
For a few minutes she was elated. This is coming ’cos of love, she thought, a bonding between Matt and me. I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. She went to fetch the hand mirror and held it up above her, looking to see if there was any change in her body, any thickening of her waistline, but there wasn’t, she looked just the same. She ran her hands across her belly and her hips, there was no sign, and yet she knew.
She thought of the first time she became pregnant, with Lizzie. She hadn’t known then. I was that ignorant, she thought. She hadn’t realized that she was pregnant or why she kept being sick, but Alan did, and when he came home one day and saw her retching, he’d hit her, knocking her onto the floor in his fury at her being caught with a child.
He hated me when I was big. Big and ugly he said I was, even though I wasn’t very big, not like some women. But he couldn’t stand the sight of me. She gave a sob. Each time, each time – as if it was all my fault. But at least he kept away from me, he didn’t want me then. Not ’till it was all over.
So how will Matt feel about it? Do all men feel the same? I expect they do. And will I be an embarrassment to him? ‘Yes, of course I will,’ she whispered despairingly. ‘He’ll not want a bastard child. It doesn’t matter to folks like me, there’s no shame in it – but he’s gentry, no matter that he tries to deny it.’
She went across to the window and peered through a small gap where the snow hadn’t reached. The sun was up and the snow crystals were sparkling and scintillating like shards of glass. I’m trapped, she thought, and I thought I was free. As she stood pondering, she saw two figures, dark against the white background, break through the hedge into the meadow and stand up to their knees in the snow, their hands shielding their eyes and staring at the cottage. They turned to each other and as if making a decision started to make their way laboriously towards it.
‘Mrs Hope! Mrs Hope. Is tha all right?’ Josh and Robin stood by her door, both with a spade over their shoulders.
She knocked on the window and called back. ‘Aye. I’m all right, but can you dig me out?’
‘Aye, that’s why we’ve come. We guessed tha’d be snowed in when we hadn’t seen thee.’
She could hear their grunts as they tried to clear a path to her door and then the scraping of the spades on the door as they reached it. She tested the kettle, just in time, this was the last of her water, the bucket was empty. She put it on the fire to make them a drink and then tried the door to see if it would give.
Her eyes watered with the brightness as daylight flooded in and with it the sharp cold air.
‘By, tha doesn’t look well, Mrs Hope. Has tha had nowt to eat?’ Josh was concerned as he peered at her face. ‘Tha looks that pale.’
‘Well I’ve been cooped up for a few days, and even if I could have opened the door I couldn’t have gone anywhere.’
They scraped their boots free of snow and came in at her invitation, she made them tea but didn’t drink any herself, the thought of the strong brown liquid turned her stomach and she poured some hot water into a cup and sipped it.
She felt Josh observing her with some consideration and presently he said to Robin, ‘Now tha’s finished tha tay, why dossn’t thee finish clearing ’path? I’ll come and help thee in a minute.’
Robin did as he was bid and Josh leaned towards her. ‘Tha’s got caught, hasn’t tha?’ he whispered. ‘In family way!’
‘How can you tell?’ she stammered. No point in denying it, not to Josh.
‘My wife allus drinks hot water to take away sickness, she can’t keep owt else down.’
‘What am I going to do. Josh? I’ll have to leave won’t I?’
He drew in his breath. ‘He’d look after thee and ’bairn; he wouldn’t see thee go short, but tha might be a hindrance to him; he’s gentry after all. And wives are for breeding and doxys’ for summat different, if tha’ll beg my pardon, Mrs Hope. I’ve seen how tha’s cared for each other, but he’s bound to take a wife of his own kind one day.’
A doxy! A mistress! She stared at the kindly man opposite. No word of reproach; he was only telling her that that is how it would seem. No-one would understand what love there had been. And of course he was right. He would need a wife one day to run that fine house on the Wolds. She imagined the scorn Matt’s father would pour on him if he found out about her, even though he probably had bastards of his own, if what Toby had said was true.
‘So do you think I should go? Should I leave?’ She willed him to tell her no, that everything would be all right, that Matt wouldn’t mind.
‘I’d be sorry to see thee go, but it’s how tha feels about him. Passion’s a strange thing, but love’s summat different, and if tha cares for him then tha’ll not tie him down.’
How strange, she thought, that this short, plain, homely-looking man, should give out wisdom on the aspects of passion and love. You don’t need to possess a handsome face or winsome grace to know of it. She smiled sadly. How lucky he was. Just as she was; for even though she knew the decision she must make, nothing could take away what she had shared with Matt.
A message had been passed on that the Breeze was on the coast somewhere near Whitby and would be in Hull in a week, she would then make her way up river towards Hessle.
Annie was desperate. I need to see him one more time. How can I go without holding him in my arms and kissing him goodbye? But it was impossible. He would know that something was wrong, she wouldn’t be able to hide it. He would be kind, she knew, and say that he would look after her. But she didn’t want that. She didn’t want to hold him because she was dependant on him, and she was so afraid that he would feel tricked or caught and would cease to love her.
And now doubts started to creep in and she started to wonder if he did indeed love her. He had said so many wonderful things, but maybe men of his class did that. How could she tell, never having known it before?
Tha’s tired Annie, she told herself, and depressed. Once more she slipped into her own tongue as doubts and self-deprecation flooded over her. But she gave herself a mental shake and cried out loud. ‘Don’t doubt him. What tha had was wonderful.’
She packed her bags with cloth and muslins and carried them down to the bottom of the meadow where the cart was hidden. The donkey had been stabled for the winter but Josh had brought it back for her and it was cropping on the hard ground. Then she took out all the silk from the chest and carefully folded it and packed that also. She took out the silk dress and lovingly stroked it and thought of that special night, then shook it to free it of creases and hung it on a peg on the wall.
It will be the first thing he sees as he comes in. He’ll remember that night when we never slept, and maybe he’ll always think of me lovingly. She sat and stared at it, at its shimmering softness, and remembered its luxurious sensuousness as it clung to her body, and of the enchanting evening when she had known such happiness.
‘I shan’t ever forget. How can I when I’ll have a constant reminder?’ She ran her hand across her breasts and down her waist to the special place where a new life was beginning.
She said goodbye to the Trotts. ‘I have to be moving on for a bit. I allus said I would, didn’t I?’
‘We’ll miss thee, Mrs Hope,’ Henry Trott said, nodding his head. ‘Where’s tha off to?’
She answered vaguely and waved her hand in the direction of the river. ‘I might take the ferry, I haven’t decided yet.’
Mrs Trott whispered in her ear out of Mr Trott’s hearing. ‘What about ’running? Who’s going to do that if tha’s not here. Tha’s letting a lot of folks down.’
No word of sorrow at her departure, only concern that the goods wouldn’t be coming in.
‘Josh,’ she whispered back. ‘He’ll tell you what’s happening.’
She’d persuaded Josh that he could organize the running on his own and had suggested that he asked Robin to become the agent and collect the money from the farmers and landowners who were supplied with goods.
‘He’s a presentable lad,’ she’d said, ‘and can add up in his head, and I’ll give him a letter to say he’s taking over. He can give up work at the quarry then for he’s not suited for it.’
‘I’ll not disagree with that,’ Josh had pondered, ‘but I was going to ask if tha’d take him with thee. Tha’ll need somebody on ’road to look after thee, there’s some villains about, robbers and that.’
‘I can’t, Josh. I can only be responsible for myself and the bairn I’m carrying. But, maybe I’ll send for him one day – if I get settled. I’m fond of him, you know that don’t you?’ And she’d asked him to say goodbye for her when she’d gone for she couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on the boy’s face.
‘Aye, he’s fond of thee, he’d do owt for thee would Robin.’
Sorrow gripped her as she left the Trotts’ cottage. She’d miss them all. She’d found real friendship here. Toby, Robin, Josh, Henry Trott, she’d even miss Mrs Trott, with her funny grasping ways, and at least her dislike was predictable.
As she walked back up the meadow towards her cottage she fingered the pearls beneath her shirt, the ones she and Matt had found in the chest and the ones he had brought for her hair. I’ll never part with these, she thought, never, even if I’m on my last crust, nor the scarf that Toby gave me. They were given in love.
Josh had asked her when she was leaving and where she was going, and again she’d waved vaguely towards the river. ‘Tha’s never going to try for London, Mrs Hope? They do say there’s fortunes to be made there, but it’s a long way off.’
She hadn’t denied it and told him that she would leave first thing the next morning, and she knew that he would be there to see her off. But that was the last thing she wanted. Lingering goodbyes would bring tears and she must harden herself for this parting.
She sat on the doorstep watching dusk fall. The river was turbulent, the crests of the waves were creamy brown as they tossed and tumbled. The air was cold and the ground hard with the frost that was still lingering. It’s not a time to be travelling, she told herself; once before I set off on a journey when winter was approaching, and now here I am again, continuing my travels in the middle of it. Well at least this time I have warm clothes and boots, and money – and goods to sell and a donkey-cart to ride in. What riches! If the folks in Hull could see me, wouldn’t they wonder at it!
But my poor bairns. It seems that I’m destined to be always parted from them. I wonder if you’re being a good lass, Lizzie? Maria and Will ’ll take care of you, I’m sure of that, God bless them. And my lads—! She bent her head and silently wept. It’s a punishment. I’m being paid back for what I did.
As darkness came she went inside and lit a lantern and packed bread and cheese into a cloth. She put on warm stockings and her boots and took the cloak from behind the door. She picked up the lantern and turned towards the door. I’ll not look back, she thought. Only forward.
But she couldn’t help herself. She turned and lifted the light. It lit on Toby’s boots, the ones she had worn, which were leaning lopsidedly against the wall. ‘Goodbye Toby,’ she whispered. ‘God bless thee. Sleep in peace.’ It shone on the dress, catching the silken scintillant threads in shimmering, radiant splendour. ‘Goodbye Matt, my only love. Don’t ever forget me.’
She closed the door behind her and hid the key where she knew Matt would find it, and holding the lantern high she strode out down the meadow.