Charlotte paced the length of her chamber, her head spinning. For so many years, she had longed for Colin to make the admission he had made in the music room. She had gone so far as to utterly humiliate herself in that hope.
But now that he had said it, all she felt was fear. Pure, unadulterated terror. There was no way he could mean those beautiful words. A man like Colin would never love, never settle down with just one woman, no matter what he said about infinite variety.
She shook her head. He had said the words in the heat of passion. That was all.
As she paced, she passed by the dressing table where she and Colin had left their washbasin full of fantasies. Charlotte stopped moving and stared at them. Colin had written sexual things here. And they could serve as reminders that all he wanted was her body. No matter what he said in the afterglow, the things he wrote were more truthful than his words.
She reached into the bowl and drew out a sheet of paper. She opened it. Colin’s hand greeted her.
I wish to eat a meal from your lush body. And you are my dessert.
Well, no wonder he’d been so excited when she mentioned food. She shivered as she set the fantasy aside and drew another paper. This was hers and she discarded it for a third. Colin again.
I want to make love to you outside. But since it is cold enough to kill us, I would settle for your orangery, surrounded by flowers and plants.
She smiled. Again, he had tapped into one of her passions to mix with his fantasy.
She pulled another paper and unfolded it.
Let me love you, Charlotte. Give me another chance to make you mine, not just in body, but in spirit, in soul. Forever. Let me love you.
Her heart lodged in her throat as she read the words again and again. She dropped the paper, letting it flutter to the floor like one of the puffy snowflakes outside her window.
Unlike his statement downstairs, she could not dismiss this as meaningless words spoken in passion. They had both been quite calm when they wrote down their fantasies.
Colin had wanted her love even then. And from the wording of that “fantasy,” it wasn’t just for a fling. He said forever.
Forever with Colin.
No, that was impossible. And it was about time she explained to him why.
Colin surged to his feet with a start when the door to the parlor flew open and Charlotte barged inside. She held a piece of paper in her hand, which trembled wildly as she marched inside and closed the door behind her.
“What is the meaning of this, Colin?” she asked, holding out the paper.
He didn’t have to look at it to know what it was, but he did regardless. It was one of the fantasies he had scribbled down that morning. His ultimate fantasy. The only one that really mattered to him.
“It means exactly what it says,” he said softly, even though her response meant everything. And this was not the one he had hoped for when he came here.
“What kind of game is this?” she snapped.
He moved on her as desperation unlike anything he had ever known swelled in his chest. He supposed he deserved it. He’d fallen in love, and now he was going to have to deal with everything that came along with that. Including a need to prove himself to the utterly tempting woman who stood, trembling, before him.
“There is no game, Charlotte.” He shook his head in frustration. “I meant every word I wrote on that paper. And every word I said to you in the music room earlier today. I am in love with you.”
She bit back a cry, but from her expression, it was not one of pleasure. It was a sound of pain. Anguish.
“I came to you, I stood before you seven years ago, and I offered my heart to you,” she whispered, her tone harsh. “And you refused me. You do not love me.”
Colin squeezed his eyes shut and thought of the night to which she referred. She had been twenty and he twenty-three. He was just coming into himself in Society, just realizing how much power he could wield with a smile, a wink.
One night Charlotte had appeared in his chambers, un-escorted and uninvited. She had confessed that she wanted to be more than his friend. She had laid her heart out to him, much like he was doing now.
But youth and fear and a longing to experience more of life before he settled down had won out over the curious draw he felt toward her. Colin had refused her, as kindly as he could. Even as a callow youth, he had known he hurt her deeply. Their friendship had barely survived it.
“Do you not believe a person can change in seven long years?” he asked. “I was hardly more than a boy when you came to me. And a very stupid one at that.”
“And why have you never said anything to me before now?” she asked, her hands still shaking, her voice quavering just as hard.
He shook his head. “You married someone else. I didn’t want to ruin your marriage or our remaining friendship by telling you my feelings had changed. And then your husband died.”
Charlotte sucked in her breath. “You could have told me then.”
He barked out a humorless laugh. “God knows I wanted to. I could have screamed it from the rooftops on the day of his funeral, but that would have been wrong. I realized it was better to bide my time, allow you to complete your mourning. Only I waited too long. When I found out Darnell asked you to marry him, I panicked because I knew I might lose you again.”
“So you followed me here,” she whispered, her voice barely carrying in the quiet room.
He nodded once. “I did.”
Charlotte swallowed hard and her eyes were wide as saucers as she stared at him. “But you-you said you came here to meet with my brother. You lied.”
He held up his hands in acknowledgment of what he’d done. “I had no choice. I didn’t want to burst into your home and simply blurt out my heart. I feared you would be too shocked to accept it. My hope was that if I won your body, I could win your heart. But make no mistake, Charlotte. I came here for you. For all of you.”
Colin took a few long breaths before he moved forward and took both her hands. Charlotte flinched when he touched her, but she didn’t pull away. She only stared at him, still filled with disbelief and confusion.
“I came here because I love you. You owe me no quarter and I deserve none, but I hope that there is something in you that still wants me. Wants me for more than just your bed.” He released one of her hands and brushed his fingertips along her satin cheek. “Please, Charlotte.”
There was a long moment of silence in the room, and finally Charlotte spoke. Her voice cracked.
“You are right, Colin. So much can change in seven years. When I came to you that night, when I offered my heart to you, I was young and naïve. I didn’t know what kind of damage a man like you could do. When you refused me, it broke my heart. I thought I would never want anyone else.”
She pulled away from him, pacing across the room restlessly. “And then I met Griffin Kendrick. I can admit now that I married him because he was…” One glance over her shoulder was all she afforded him. “…you. He was a wit. A rake. He even looked like you in some light.”
Colin flinched, but let her continue uninterrupted, as difficult as it was.
She shook her head. “He tried to be a good husband, God knows he tried. But he couldn’t fight his nature. Ultimately, he only wanted me until he had me. Then the desire faded. He found other women to fill his time and his bed. By the time he died, we sometimes only spoke when we said a passing hello in the hallway.”
“I would never—”
She spun on him, anger in her gaze. “Do not say you would never, for you have no idea. And it was one thing to experience that kind of pain and humiliation from him. It would be far worse from someone I love.”
Now it was Colin’s turn to let his mouth drop open in shock. “You love me still?”
“Of course I do,” Charlotte said, though there was no pleasure in her voice or her face. “I always have. And being here with you, feeling your arms around me, having this time alone when we could be friends and lovers…it only made it stronger, no matter how much I hoped it would make the feeling lessen.”
“Then we should be together,” he insisted.
She lifted a hand to ward him off when he moved toward her. “No.”
It was one word, but it was spoken with such finality and conviction that it stopped Colin cold.
“No?” he repeated.
“I may love you, but I wish I didn’t. And I certainly don’t want a life with you. There is nothing you can say to convince me that you could stay faithful. That your heart would stay true to me.” She frowned, an expression so sad that it broke his heart as much as her words. “I won’t go through that a second time. Not with you, Colin. With you it would break me.”
Colin stared at her. As a child, he had always admired the stubborn set of her jaw. How she could make up her mind to do something and see it through no matter how difficult a task it was.
Now he hated those things he’d once admired. They meant his doom. His loss. His heartbreak.
“The storm is easing,” Charlotte said softly as she turned away to stare out the window. “I think you should go and leave me to consider the offer I was made.”
Colin flinched at her coldness. It made him angry.
“You are a coward,” he snapped. “You run from love because it is frightening, you deny yourself happiness because of the chance of heartache.”
“You are correct, Colin,” she said without turning. “So you would be better off not to waste your time here any longer.”
He stared at her stony back. Then he executed a quick bow. “Very well, my lady. I shall depart at first light tomorrow and leave you to your peace as you require.”
Then he turned on his heel and left the room. He did not look back, so he did not see Charlotte slip to her knees and sob silently into her hands.