We left the car parked at the top of the lane. Soon enough stars would glitter and sing. As soon as the sun started going down the temperature dropped rapidly. Amanda would be lighting the fires. Not a cloud in sight. I don’t know where he thought the fog was going to come from. Alex pulled at the old barn door and the two of us tumbled in. A damp smell of straw and animals rose to greet us.
After days without a glimpse of him I thought I needed a closer look. He busied himself lighting another cigarette, one for me, but I refused. Alex was the sort of man who always looked at home wherever he went. His bones radiated confidence. You could have sat him on the throne of England, and he would still look cool. He was the first truly cool person I had ever met, apart from Dave. Was Dave cool? I had thought so once. How did that change? How did the once-cool stop being cool and become less than cool? They didn’t love you anymore, that’s how.
Alex sat swivelling around in the old scruffy chair behind the old battered desk, blowing smoke rings into the chilly air.
‘Well, so far it’s been truly fascinating. What are we waiting for? Robin Hood and his Merry Men?’
‘Did you miss me?’
‘No.’
He patted the desk. ‘Come here. I won’t bite.’
I stayed where I was. ‘What are we doing here?’
He ground out his cigarette on the barn floor.
‘What am I going to do with you, Rebeccah?’
He was taller than I remembered. He studied my face intently, tilting my chin first one way, then the other. I should have walked out the creaking door but I stayed because I remembered what his mouth felt like on mine. He slowly prised my lips apart with his tongue, deeper and deeper, I could hardly breathe, and I didn’t want to breathe, one hand sliding under my coat, under my jumper, up to my breasts, the other hand pulling me closer to him.
‘Beauty is truth, truth beauty.’ He kissed the side of my face. ‘That’s all you need to know.’
He leaned against the desk and I leaned against him, his hand slowly undoing my button-fly jeans.
‘Is this what you brought me here for?’
My hand on his. His hand holding the top of my jeans.
Pulling at them, come here, no don’t, come here, no.
I pushed his hand away and slowly did the buttons back up.
‘What’s up?’ He kissed me again. The tip of his tongue against my teeth. ‘Don’t you want to?’
It was way past six. I felt strange and careless. My cheeks burning in the evening air which began to tangle up in me. My arms ached, my stomach lurched. I didn’t know what I wanted as the fog rolled in. Once it was done it was done forever.
‘You scramble my bloody brain up, you do,’ he said. Just as he said that the barn door swung open and a beautiful shining dog panted into the barn.
‘Hey. Jojo, where have you been where have you been? I knew we’d find you. Jojo, Jojo. Where have you been?’ said Alex before he kissed me again, chaste and fierce. ‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘I didn’t bring you here for this.’
Jojo didn’t know who to lick first. How did you find me? Hello hello hello. He jumped up and put his dirty great paws all over his master, reclaiming him. Where have you been where have you been, eh, eh? He licked the back of my hand thirty times, and sniffed madly around the barn.
On one wall was a small window that overlooked the rapidly darkening field. Alex stared intently from it. ‘Ready?’
I shook my head. No. I’ll never be ready. I peered through.
Alex put his arms around me, nuzzled my hair.
It looked as if someone was turning on the lights in the field.
Alex said, ‘You okay?’
I nodded.
‘I get carried away, I can’t help myself sometimes, and you’re bloody lovely.’
A donkey brayed. Somewhere deep in the woods an owl screeched. I listened intently for the call of crows, the melancholy voice of the rooks. ‘Tell me why we’re here.’
‘Trust me,’ he said, walking out the door, Jojo racing out through his legs. ‘Nothing terrible is going to happen. It’s just incredible stuff—bloody amazing if you ask me. Come on. You like odd things, don’t you?’
Jojo shot back past us again.
‘Why d’you say that?’
‘That look you get on your face sometimes.’
I felt light-headed, like I did after a glass of champagne. There was just enough light to see where we were walking and mist was now swirling around our feet, working its way over the field. The air had grown much colder. The whole world felt muffled and quiet.