A version of the material in chapter five was originally published by Esquire under the title “Exposure Therapy and the Fine Art of Scaring the Shit Out of Yourself On Purpose.” Thank you to my editor on that story, Megan Greenwell, whose enthusiasm helped give me the confidence that this could be a book. Thanks also to Tim Folger and Sam Kean, who selected the story for The Best American Science and Nature Writing 2018—another confidence boost.
Thank you to Lilianne Mujica-Parodi, Edna Foa, Justin Feinstein, and Ralph Adolphs for taking the time to talk through their fascinating research with me. Thank you as well to Merel Kindt and Maartje Kroese at the Kindt Clinics in Amsterdam not only for their important work, but for their time and their kindness. My visit to the clinic was genuinely life-altering. So too was my experience with EMDR; thank you to Mark Kelly and to Svenja. Sadly, Francine Shapiro died while I was working on this book. I regret that I didn’t get the chance to talk to her about her invention.
I had the assistance of a small army of brilliant colleagues and friends in writing and editing the book. Kate Harris and Kate Neville loaned me their off-grid cabin for two separate stints at critical moments: I wrote much of the first third of the book and, a year later, completed some near-final revisions in their little piece of paradise. Doug Mack’s assistance with my proposal draft was invaluable. Adam Roy, Simone Gorrindo, Ferris Jabr, Frank Bures, Krista Langlois, Kate Siber, Elon Green, Sarah Gilman, and Cally Carswell all pitched in to read drafts of chapters; Lauren Markham and Brooke Jarvis read large chunks of the manuscript; and after also reading some earlier portions, Katherine Laidlaw heroically went through the whole thing at the eleventh hour. Katherine and Brooke bore the brunt of my book-related fears through this entire process, and I am so grateful for their support and friendship.
Jane C. Hu fact-checked the science-focused portions of the book, and her keen eye brought me some much-needed peace of mind. Any outstanding errors are my own.
Jennifer Weltz, my literary agent, was on board with the idea for this book from day one, and has been a fierce advocate on my behalf throughout the process of bringing it into the world. Thank you to her and to everyone else who pitched in at JVNLA.
My editors, “the Nicks,” Nicholas Garrison at Penguin Canada and Nicholas Cizek at The Experiment, provided kind words, careful reading, and thoughtful feedback. The book is much stronger thanks to their attention.
My aunts Shelagh and Rosemary helped fill the holes in my knowledge of our family history, never hesitating to answer often painful questions about the loss of their parents. My dad, Doug Holland, also gamely answered any questions I had about his role in the story.
Thank you to everyone at Hospice Yukon. Thank you to Barb Lankamp-Kochis.
Many of my friends in Whitehorse have been a part of this story since I first began to admit my fear of heights. Thank you to Joel MacFabe and Nicolas Filteau for helping me down that frozen creek, to Ashley Joannou for encouraging my plan to sky-dive, and to Lindsay Agar and Kealy Sweet for taking me rock climbing. Maura Forrest not only became my primary climbing partner during my exposure therapy efforts, she also drove me to Alaska and back when I was too scared to get behind the wheel.
Ryan Agar and Carrie McClelland have been teaching me to face my fears and supporting my efforts in the wilderness for the better part of a decade now. It’s no coincidence that they turn up at key moments in the book. Thank you to them, and to everyone else who has ever talked me back to my feet when I was—literally or metaphorically—curled up in terror on the ground.