The Business of You

For the Business of You, it is important that your customers (managers and coworkers) are happy with the relationship, continue to buy your product (your gainful employment), and desire to purchase more (giving you promotions and additional compensations). And as you climb the ranks, your ability to work with people becomes even more important for getting things done. Leadership—formal or informal—is all about compelling groups to operate at a high level. That is why employees who flourish are typically the ones who excel in establishing deeper and more productive relationships with the people they work with, which allows their teams and project groups to produce at a high level.

To take your customer relationships to the next level at work, you will need to invest in those relationships to maintain and strengthen them. That investment is made through the skillful management of more advanced interpersonal skills. Those skills include: providing honest feedback to others without alienating them, resolving conflict, influencing others, and becoming fluent in the nonverbals going on around you.

In this chapter, we will show how to develop some of these more advanced and challenging strategies for relationship building and maintenance in the workplace.

Peter Drucker, who has been described as the founder of twenty-first-century management, said it best: “The purpose of business is to create and keep a customer.” That is why in business, once a well-performing company gains a customer, they do everything in their power to retain that customer. Client acquisition is extremely expensive and time consuming.

Strong organizations invest heavily in cultivating strong customer relationships, with the aim of retention. They invest in various resources:

Similarly, in order for the Business of You to prosper, comparable investments need to be made to cultivate your customer relationships.

The foundation of deep and impactful relationships in the workplace and in your personal life is having open, honest channels of conversation. Unfortunately, we are all guilty of not confronting reality at times, because we naturally feel the urge to avoid tough conversations. Confronting reality can be challenging and makes most of us uncomfortable. There are a multitude of reasons for this feeling of unease: aversion to conflict, not wanting to hurt others’ feelings, worry about hurting the relationship, and so on.

Starting at a young age, we are taught to not say anything if we do not have anything nice to say. This leads many of us to be hesitant to provide critical feedback, because we fear hurting someone else’s feelings. Also, we are submitting to our natural setting of pain avoidance (the pain, here, is having to engage in a difficult conversation). It’s natural to not want to hurt someone else’s feelings, but it is the wrong response. By not providing the necessary feedback, we are doing the other person and the organization a disservice. The key is to provide feedback the proper way, so everyone benefits. That can be challenging. Providing feedback so that it is not received as an attack, but rather as a gift intended to help improve performance, can be accomplished through honest conversations.

Honest conversations occur when we come from a well-intended place and provide feedback and opportunities for improvement that will help another person. That intent is completely based on improvement and is not about knocking someone down a peg or two. The content of honest conversations is pragmatic, focusing on performance and behaviors, not on ego. When done correctly with positive intent and the right focus, the feedback helps the person receiving it to improve, and ultimately it deepens the relationship between the two parties involved. And when everyone involved becomes comfortable with having honest conversations, the ensuing trust will translate into more effective cooperation and collaboration between the parties.

The first level of honest conversations is providing feedback actively in real time. Being critical or voicing a contradictory opinion requires a delicate balancing act of maintaining respect while providing insightful feedback from your vantage point, which helps all parties land on the best possible resolution. If you are going to be taken seriously in the organization and not viewed as part of the office décor, sitting in the room quietly watching, you will need to voice your opinion in active discussions with your superiors. Doing this correctly demonstrates confidence and respect. You do not want to be labeled as a “yes man” or “yes woman” who will follow the leader blindly off the cliff without saying a word. But if you raise objections too frequently, you will establish a negative reputation as a contrarian or naysayer. If you deliver a fact-based opinion respectfully, you will be in a good position to manage this delicate balancing act.

It is paramount that your intent is pure. It should not be about winning an argument or proving someone wrong. Your mind-set for engaging in the dialogue where you will provide feedback should come from a place of improving the discussion or resolution by providing the facts, insights, and opinions from your vantage point.

Equipped with a well-intended focus, you can then shift toward assessing the situation and the appropriate way to engage in the conversation. At first, take note of the venue of the discussion. Is this a formal presentation? If so, it is probably not appropriate to provide feedback on the spot. Take notes on the topic you want to discuss further and follow up with the individual one-onone or during a planned question-and-answer session. Is it a public forum or a one-on-one meeting? In a public setting where there is an audience (especially if leadership or your supervisor is in attendance), ego is likely more at play. Use caution in this setting, because the person receiving the feedback is more likely to default to a defensive posture. This tendency to get defensive can be magnified by the level of ownership and pride the person presenting has with the project or thoughts. Take extra measures to demonstrate respect (compliment elements that you agree with and assume positive intent with your questions) when in a public venue and providing constructive feedback. That will elevate the tone from the outset if the discussion is delicate in nature.

Try your best to understand where the presenter is coming from. Is this an idea they just came up with, or is it a passion project they have spent large amounts of time on? If you know the presenter well, are there any personal biases that have shaped this person’s stance or perspective? You should always tread lightly and respectfully in sensitive areas, but you can see how considering some of the factors previously mentioned will provide you with a solid gauge for determining whether to use additional caution to guard against an emotional response.

Once you have a strong grasp of the surrounding environment and factors at play, you can initiate the feedback process. Start by asking clarifying questions. Make sure to challenge your assumptions and clearly understand what is being presented. The worst thing you can do is to be critical of something that doesn’t exist—because you jumped to conclusions. You can look foolish and damage your relationship, all at the same time.

Here is an example of how to provide feedback in a productive way by initiating a fact-based dialogue.

I was in a meeting with our marketing team and they presented their idea to introduce a low-cost product. Our brand is firmly positioned in the premium product category, so an obvious concern I have is that this low-cost product could potentially erode the brand equity we have established. Therefore, I asked the following question:

This question is powerful because it safely starts the dialogue on the topic without being accusatory. Additionally, how the question is framed here assumes positive intent (that the impact has been considered). That is so much more productive than a negative approach. A common misstep here would be to ask a biting question that makes the questioner feel smart and makes the receiver of the question feel under attack. That is the quickest way to shut down a productive dialogue. I have witnessed leaders of organizations ask questions like this:

See the difference? You can easily see how being on the receiving end of this negatively framed question could quickly put a person on the defensive.

Once you have opened the discussion in a positive manner with your initial question, cite the facts as you view them (acknowledging this is your view) when raising objections. Don’t simply say, “I don’t like your stance.” Your objections should be well-thought-out facts and insights from your experiences. Systematically lay out your thoughts on the matter. To avoid being viewed as completely undermining the individual, make sure to acknowledge the areas where you agree to help establish a commonality. Lay out the facts as an equation of positives and negatives that have shaped your stance. This shows that you put careful thought into your position and that you are evaluating the decision, not the person. That is an important distinction. At no time should the other person feel like this is a personal attack. Focus on the facts and the ultimate objective of the project or decision.

This dialogue should go both ways. After you present your thoughts in a concise and clear manner, make sure that the other person understands them. Then open yourself up for comments or criticism by the other person or the broader group. You could say something like . . . “That is how I see things from my vantage point. Does that make sense to you?” Or, “Are there any flaws in my logic, or any additional thoughts anyone has on this matter?”

This approach shows humility and demonstrates a willingness to get to the correct answer without worrying about authorship.

If the conversation starts to veer off track, topic- and productivity-wise (which can happen often when you have competing viewpoints), take a moment to reset the conversation by asking the other person(s) what they believe is the end objective, and share your view of the end objective. Anchoring back to the objective is a great way to avoid straying too far from the end goal. Additionally, this can reestablish a positive trajectory, as both parties should find some common ground on the end objective, and some of that goodwill should spill over into the rest of the conversation.

If you stay true to the intent of improving the end outcome, demonstrate humility, focus on the facts, and have a willingness to hear others out, you will be in the right place to have a constructive dialogue that will result in better outcomes and relationships.

Throughout your career you will need to provide planned feedback to a coworker, manager, or subordinate. Planned feedback can range from conducting a performance review to addressing a team member who is not pulling their fair share of the load with a project. Delivering candid feedback is an important skill for a contributor at any level. It is how you get the most out of your coworkers and your relationships in the workplace. One of the reasons most don’t excel in this area is because people often shy away and say that you are doing “great” instead of having an honest dialogue about performance. That approach lacks courage and helps no one. Let’s look at some of the important preparation elements required to provide planned feedback effectively.

Is this a person who is open to feedback? Do they have certain sensitivities? Take these into consideration when planning what you say and how. These sensitivities do not mean that you change the topics you are covering. It means that you are mindful of these “emotional land mines” and will proceed with extra levels of respect in those areas.

During this conversation, the other person may feel vulnerable. That is why it is important to start out by creating a safe environment for the other person to receive constructive feedback.

The right environment consists of two things—location and timing. Constructive feedback discussions should take place in private. If you are going to be treading on topics that are highly sensitive to the other person, think about having the discussion in a neutral location like a conference room instead of your office.

Try to avoid inopportune times to deliver this information. A less-thanideal time could be right after some other bad news (which makes it feel like the sky is falling) or right after great news (bursting their bubble). Unfortunately, there is not always a perfect time to deliver constructive feedback. Sometimes you will just need to plow ahead, but try your best to avoid undesirable timing.

Plan on some small talk to warm up the room and the discussion. Is there a shared interest or something that would help the other person feel comfortable? Use a topic like that to help them relax and to get the conversation off to a rolling start.

Once you transition into the actual purpose of the meeting, start by saying this is a safe place and everything that is said stays in this room. The most important part of this statement is to mean it and live by it. Verbalizing this helps to provide a sense of safety and helps to prepare the other person for the seriousness of the upcoming conversation.

Another way to show respect and create a feeling of safety is to ask permission to have an open discussion about the potentially uncomfortable topic that you are planning to cover. As you jump into the topic, it can be helpful to start out with an example to reframe the conversation. For example, “My objective today is to talk through a couple of elements that I believe are potentially limiting your effectiveness. My goal is to have an open and honest discussion on these elements to help set you up to be more successful in the future. Do I have your permission to talk about these opportunities to enhance your effectiveness?”

When you are delivering the feedback, remember to focus on the behaviors and not the person. Do not generalize. Use concrete examples. Make sure you can provide multiple tangible examples of the behaviors you are discussing. Sometimes feedback is difficult to hear. That is why it is important to provide multiple examples so it cannot simply be dismissed as a freak thing or situational response. This will help the person receiving the feedback to digest and believe it. Be mindful not to go overboard and provide too many examples, because this can have the negative consequence of the person feeling like they can do no right.

Be direct, honest, and do not mince words. You should be businesslike with some empathy sprinkled in. A word of caution: A common mistake is to attempt to soften the blow by diminishing the core of your feedback. It is OK to be kind, but do not compromise the heart of the feedback that the other person needs to hear. You may think you are sparing this person’s feelings, but you are compromising their ability to be successful in the future by not delivering the message to them straight.

One of the old-school methods that still has some value, under the “delivering challenging content for beginners” heading, is the sandwich method. This methodology is where you share genuine appreciation for the individual, then cover a development opportunity, and close with what the future would look like if the development opportunity gets adopted. Just like a sandwich, the meat of the content is sandwiched in the middle. It is important that the sandwich is hearty and you don’t skip out on the “meat” of that sandwich.

Let’s see how the sandwich method works. Start out by communicating honest appreciation to the person receiving the feedback:

“Tim, we appreciate your great work ethic and everything you have contributed to building our new-hire training process. A perfect example of this is the late nights you put in last week to make sure we were prepared for the upcoming class.”

The important thing here, just like providing feedback, is to make sure to share a tangible example so the feedback lands and has meaning (instead of feeling hollow).

The next step in the sandwich method is to deliver the feedback focusing on the behavior.

“Your ability to connect interpersonally and persuade others on projects could be enhanced if, during interactions with others, additional time was spent to understand them, their vantage point, and their objectives. In multiple settings [share the actual situations witnessed], I have witnessed interactions where your drive to complete a task quickly and at your own pace leaves others feeling somewhat steamrolled and not invested in the end result. While this direct method can make you effective in the short run, it is a contributing factor for why you had less support from other team members and had to work those late nights last week.”

The important thing to notice in this example is that we focused on behaviors and results, and not the person (your ability and not you).

Close with how the future could look better if the new and improved behavior is implemented.

“Tim, those relationships and your effectiveness will increase exponentially if the time is taken to ask questions to understand your colleagues’ concerns and hesitations with change, before proposing the actionable next steps. Take the time to ask them questions like:

These types of questions will help you connect with others and help them feel connected with the project. If you can consistently implement this simple tweak to your approach, others will be more likely to embrace your ideas. And this will increase your ability to persuade and drive positive change within the organization.”

The closing comment shows what the potential future looks like, as a way to encourage the individual to embrace the opportunity for improvement. The most important part of the close, however, is to clearly outline what steps need to be taken. To be effective with this closing, you need to provide a well-defined, actionable path to obtain that brighter future, so the other person is positioned to act on this feedback.

To reinforce the behavior and recognize respectable progress, make sure to catch the person doing things the right away. Thank them and tell them they are doing a great job improving. This will strengthen the relationship and set the stage for more productive feedback sessions in the future.

You will encounter numerous people in the workforce who will avoid providing feedback and having honest conversations, out of fear of harming relationships. The problem is, without these conversations you are hampering your ability to connect with your customers/coworkers on a deeper level. If managed correctly, honest conversations will help you to cultivate deeper and more productive relationships and enhance the desirability of your brand and career prospects.

A major part of business and your career success revolves around people and relationships. Just as in real life, the workplace is full of conflict. Conflict in the workplace comes in all shapes and sizes, ranging from the minor disputes stemming from someone speaking ill of someone else behind their back, to major issues arising between departments due to competing objectives. Large or small, these conflicts can fracture the bonds of relationships between you and your internal (coworkers and managers) and external (vendors and customers of the company) customers.

It is important as an aspiring leader to build your skills in managing through the conflict to repair cracks in relationships. Top performers and leaders strengthen their customer relationships in the midst of conflict by swiftly resolving issues to keep the work effort moving forward unimpeded by the collateral damage caused by the conflict. Individuals with this skill set continue to get things done despite tough situations, and they bring people together in the bumpiest of times. That is one of the main reasons they have advanced in their careers.

As you climb up in the ranks within your organization, you will be put in the position to resolve conflicts more frequently. Most people in the workplace fall into two camps: those who create the conflict, and those who make every attempt to steer clear of conflict. Conflict is a great place to flex your professional and interpersonal muscles. If you are going to have to get in the middle of a conflict regularly, you might as well become proficient at managing it so you are not bogged down and kept from conquering your other responsibilities and objectives. Here are some points for working through these types of situations.

When you jump into conflict resolution, remember that almost everyone sees themselves as the good guy/good gal in the conflict. Each party has collected the facts and data points that confirm their positive standing. When a situation requires elements of mediation, it helps to consider this, and to understand that you will need to help everyone (yourself included) view the situation from a different vantage point.

First and foremost, leave emotion at the door. It is easy to get wrapped up in the emotional components and go down a path of escalating the conflict instead of resolving the dispute. Strive to be the calming force in the situation. It will often require you to be the bigger person first. These situations tend to be emotional. Do everything you can to present a calm and even-keeled approach.

If you catch yourself getting wrapped up in your emotions and contributing to the conflict, stop, and remind yourself of why you are doing this: to get to a resolution. Competitive people (myself included) tend to see conflict as a competition. If you fall into that category, you will need to fight the urge to “win” the argument. It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking winning is about being right. That is wrong. Winning is getting to a place where everyone feels comfortable moving forward, and not vanquishing your “opponent.”

Before you engage in conflict resolution, have a conversation with yourself. Ask the following questions:

Preparing and understanding the answers to these questions will help you focus on the situation from all perspectives and take a logical approach, instead of an emotional approach, to resolving the conflict.

Typically, in conflict, as emotion creeps in, the involved parties are less than respectful of each other. Start things off on the right foot by reestablishing the courtesy and respect that all parties deserve. Thanking everyone for meeting with you and stating up front that you want to understand their perspective will go a long way in setting the correct tone.

Respect the involved parties’ emotions by focusing your phrasing and discussion around behaviors, actions, or your feelings, and not the people involved. Remember, when it feels like a personal attack, it is easy for someone to get defensive and derail the progress toward resolution.

Set the stage by saying that the meeting is a safe place and the discussion will not go outside of the room. Honor that commitment, or trust will be completely broken. Make sure the venue is private, and that the room is set up to foster communication by limiting the number of structural barriers (like tables or chairs) between parties.

Let every involved party be heard. All participants need to feel like they can share their side and express their feelings. Having their say is an important part of the resolution process. This exercise is therapeutic and lets others digest issues from a different perspective, which helps everyone take ownership of their respective roles and contributions in this conflict.

Often it will take time to get the conversation rolling in a productive manner. Early in the dialogue, acknowledge what has been going on. For example: “Ever since our last project I have felt a tension between us that has hampered our ability to work together.”

Get the problem out on the table so it can be addressed head-on. In that acknowledgment, avoid any assignment of blame.

As you continue with the conversation, state the facts as you know them. Do not express an opinion or make a conjecture about those facts. Encourage others involved in the conversation to share the facts as they know them. Talking through the facts helps to understand the variables and perspectives at play. In most cases, this helps each person better understand and empathize with the other side of the issue.

If you are in a moderator role, you’ll need to corral the discussion if it goes “off track.” It is very easy for emotion to creep in from all parties. When that happens, people start to express their opinions or interpretations of the facts with more spirit and color, which sends the discussion down the wrong track. Gently remind the group what the objective is and refocus conversation toward the sharing of the facts and not assigning blame.

If you are one of the parties involved in the conflict, take full ownership of mistakes that you made that contributed to the conflict. Mistakes are inevitable. The most important thing is how you respond to those mistakes. Owning your portion demonstrates humility and a commitment to moving the resolution process forward. When you need to, acknowledge the mistake you made and how it impacted others. Do not shortchange how it impacted them. This kind of understanding and acknowledgment is critical in the healing process.

When explaining the mistakes, outline how the factors at play contributed to your misstep to help the other person(s) understand that it was not a case of you wanting to “wrong” them. Be careful not to make excuses and give the appearance of shirking the role you played in the conflict. Just outline the facts and circumstances that helped drive you toward your mistake.

Once each party has had a chance to be heard and share their side of the story, it is appropriate to move the process forward. Be cautious and do not rush the fact-finding part of the process. Once all the facts have been stated and everyone has had an opportunity to share, then proceed by stating your interpretation of the situation based on the facts as you see them. Acknowledge that this is your interpretation. When highlighting mistakes or breakdowns, acknowledge that mistakes are natural and helpful to growth if addressed properly. Take ownership of your contributions to the issues.

Then provide the other parties with the opportunity to share their interpretation. You can open the discussion by asking if anyone has a different interpretation or if they agree with your view and/or have anything to add.

Collaborate with the involved parties to make a joint commitment on next steps and how to handle the situation differently next time. This may require you to propose potential solutions to get the dialogue moving forward. It helps to explain the pros and cons of each of your proposed solutions. Take a matter-of-fact approach here, because it will help to steer the objections or discussion to a more logical place rather than an emotional one. Again, it is important to make sure all parties contribute to this joint resolution. If even a single party does not feel ownership in the resolution, then you have not fully rectified the issue. Bring the discussion back to those holdout individuals by asking them for their thoughts on how to improve the situation and resolution.

These are emotional circumstances, and the way to resolution may not follow a logical and linear path. As the individual leading the process, you will need to do everything you can to include others so as to avoid any suspicions that you are pushing your own agenda.

Finding a remedy for the issue is only one part of the equation. Everyone will feel better about the proposed solution if each party commits to what they are going to do moving forward, to avoid making the same mistake again.

The most important piece in rebuilding the relationship and establishing trust is to follow through on commitments when defining a resolution. Often this is the most neglected part of the process. Sure, everyone gets to a better place and makes commitments to change, but then they fail to follow through. Do this and the trust is irrevocably broken; you will have almost no chance at salvaging a working relationship. That is why it is hypercritical to follow through on your commitments and help others to do so when possible. This is step one in your reestablishing trust and getting the relationships to a better place. This trust will be the foundation of your relationship moving forward. When done correctly, you will have even stronger relationships than you did before the problems.

Take extra steps to over-communicate in the early stages of the followthrough. Show there is a reason for others to trust again. This also helps to ensure you are getting credit for your follow-through, in case those commitments are not easily seen.

Demonstrate that you are committed to the agreed-upon course of action. This means scheduling a follow-up meeting after a couple of weeks to see how things are going with the other party. Ask them how things are going from their end and if there is anything additional that would help to keep the process moving forward and improve the working relationship. Also in the meeting, share what you have been doing to help thus far.

Don’t worry about being proficient at conflict resolution out of the gate. Each situation is unique and will require different methods to corral the discussion and the emotions toward a positive result. Thus, it is easy to see that this is a skill that requires a great deal of practice. With a solid framework to manage conflict and a desire to get better at it, you will be well positioned to develop a strong skill for resolving conflict. As you improve your ability to resolve conflict, you will notice a material growth in interpersonal relationships with your coworkers and overall effectiveness at getting things done in the office.

The ability to influence others is one of the most useful skills an employee can have. Every day in the workplace your skills of persuasion will be put to the test. Even if you are not a direct manager of a team member, you are required to persuade and compel your team members and coworkers to act. To be clear, this is not manipulation; this is persuading and encouraging participation when you are meeting unnecessary resistance. Influencing others is about how to make it appealing for them to act in a manner that is best for all parties. Like a lot of different tools or skills, this is one that can be abused. You will have to be careful to avoid stepping into manipulation territory. In the short term, that type of manipulation may benefit you, but in the long term you will pay a great price in terms of your credibility and ethics.

Let’s walk through a primer on how to be more effective at influencing others. For a deeper dive, read some of the excellent books available on persuasion and implementing change. One of my favorites, which has been significant in my career, is Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini.

Starting out, when you engage someone else, make sure to paint a clear picture of what the future would look like with this desired change or behavior. The future picture that you are painting becomes more powerful when you use examples of other successful organizations and individuals who have taken on this change or activity. This gives credibility and validation to your ideas. We are still creatures of a herd mentality (we believe there is safety in numbers). This can help people get over their fear, because they know this is a path that has been taken before. Also, a number of studies have found that people are more willing to oblige if they understand the purpose behind the request. Help them understand the full picture, and it will help you to compel the other person to act in a productive manner.

Always be thinking in terms of what is in it for me—or WIIIFM—for the other person. By nature, we have some selfish tendencies. Selfishness is hard-coded into us as an instinct that has helped us survive as a species. So, when presenting your ideas or making a request, think about how they can improve the work life of the other person. Will it make their job easier? Will it save them time in the future? Tying the request to WIIIFM will help you gain traction on securing buy-in.

It helps to take a simple and direct approach to presenting these ideas to others. People will often dance around the point when making a request, and then it becomes a long and uncomfortable conversation for both people involved. Additionally, the long and drawn-out presentation can overcomplicate things (or at least give an overly complex impression). Be clear and concise to ensure that the other person fully grasps your vision and request.

Find ways to validate your request. This could come in the form of examples of other companies or departments who have had success with this approach, or even the use of data and statistics if possible. Data and statistics serve as an independent validation of your thoughts. The more reputable the source, the stronger the validation.

Demonstrate that you have done your homework and validate the merit of your ideas. This will help your credibility; people will see that this has been well-thought-out and is not a knee-jerk response or a half-baked idea.

If you have been successful securing buy-in logically and emotionally, you then need to demystify the next steps. Often people will resist change or action because they are unable to fully comprehend what the next steps are. The mystery around what is next can make the task seem unnecessarily daunting.

How many times have you delayed a perceived difficult task or errand because you thought it was going to be a long, arduous process? Often, I wager. And I imagine many times when you finally confronted that task it was not nearly as difficult as you built it up to be in your mind. The unknown created an irrational fear. That thought process makes the task or the path to accomplish the task seem far more challenging than it really is. These fears can be removed for a good portion of your audience if you outline next steps and draw a road map of the path that will be taken.

Your requests will receive a much higher rate of acceptance if you establish strong relationships with coworkers early on. As I mentioned earlier in the book, establishing strong relationships throughout the organization will yield great dividends. Now it is time to reap the benefits. People are more likely to accommodate a request from someone they like and know.

Take the time to get to know people inside and outside your department. Learn about each person, and understand their likes and dislikes.

Do nice things. People generally like others who do nice things. Additionally, these efforts equate to deposits in your social checking account with this person. Most people will feel a sense of indebtedness, or obligation, to do something nice for someone who has done something nice for them.

Be a good coworker and put in the effort to help others whenever the opportunity presents itself. Modeling the ideal behavior is a powerful tool of influence.

Advertisers are notorious for using this principle. Have you ever heard the term “while supplies last” or “for a limited time only”? Of course you have. This is a subtle way of creating scarcity and compelling us to act quickly. They are suggesting that if you don’t act now, you will miss out. Playing on the fear of missing out is a powerful way of getting people to act. The thought of missing out drives us crazy. That is why you will see intentionally long lines to get into clubs, while supplies last, only two seats left at this price . . . you get the idea.

Are there ways for you to emphasize a limited time or availability in your request to encourage a sense of urgency? A perfect example is to use a compelling event like a board meeting or a conference as the deadline for the team to complete a request or project.

Your ability to influence others is something you will use every day at work, regardless of your level in the organization. A common misconception is that once you get to the point of leading teams or departments you can dictate what needs to happen. You may have the authority; however, if you constantly use the dictator approach you will quickly alienate your team. Strong leaders influence and encourage their teams to perform. A refined ability to influence others is the hallmark of those who are successful in the workplace.

Awareness is a second language that all aspiring leaders need to be fluent in. Your surroundings can serve as a barometer of the lay of the land, provide early warning signs of missteps or contention, identify conflict, and contribute to the general feeling of how things are going. Throughout the day, large quantities of information are being expressed by others with their nonverbals and actions, and in most cases they go unnoticed. Those who are more astute and aware of this other language extract more information than relying on the words spoken as the sole information source allows. Few in the workplace do this well, so this provides you with a huge advantage over the majority of your peers.

Before you can be effectively aware, you must become more familiar with yourself. Gain a firm understanding of who you are and how you look at the world. This shapes the lens through which you view things, and is the foundational element to successfully understanding what is going on around you at a deeper level. Some tips follow.

Your life experience is the lens through which you are looking at everything. Your life experiences (positive and negative) will shape how you interpret your environment. These experiences create biases that you will use to tell a story. The mind packages information into bite-size chunks and categorizes information. It simplifies and shortcuts into biases, or what you believe to be norms based on a set of experiences. These biases can help you confirm things quickly, but they can also mislead you and drive you to an inaccurate conclusion. That is why it is vital to firmly understand who you are and how you view the world. Let’s see how to gain a better understanding of your “default” settings, to empower you to better assess the stories you are telling yourself.

•What are your strengths and weaknesses?

We often discount our strengths and will assume most people have these strengths. As for weaknesses, it is easy for us to be impressed by others who excel at one of our weaknesses because we have internalized that activity as being extremely difficult. Both examples show how our internal narrative can be distorted by our strengths and weaknesses.

•What are your core values?

These are the things that you firmly believe in and were likely instilled in you by your parents and early environment.

•What are your pet peeves?

What about big pet peeves, or things that upset you easily? Take note of them, because when these, along with your core values, are violated, it is easier for you to potentially overreact.

•What are characteristics and behaviors of a good friend?

Your answer here will be very telling. This will help you understand how you believe people should treat each other. Your values here will serve as the barometer of judging the severity of missteps or the merit of positive activities when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

•What do you do in your free time?

Are there sports or hobbies that you are passionate about? What are your political leanings and religious beliefs? These are powerful contexts that will shape how you interpret your environment and judge actions. Spend a fair amount of time understanding these beliefs and determining why you hold them.

•Your life experiences shape how you view the world and each interaction.

If you bring a certain partiality to the table it will impair how you assess the situation. It will be driven by your sample size, which can be flawed due to the lack of statistical significance. As you assess your past, think about any traumatic experiences you encountered while growing up. Are there things in your past that left a scar (literally or figuratively)? Things like relationships gone wrong, or public failures? These traumatic experiences have a way of sticking with us and forever changing our outlook and responses.

These are just a few areas for you to think about as you begin your journey of self-discovery. By no means is this intended to be a comprehensive list. The above exercise is something that you should take time to digest and not try to do all at once. Spreading the exercise out over time will help you gain a deeper understanding of why you are the person you are. The intent is to get you thinking about the types of things that can influence how you perceive your environment, and to help you to start asking questions about why you feel a certain way or hold a certain belief, because it is likely due to a past experience.

As you gain a better understanding of what shapes your views, start to look at how they manifest in your decisions and assessments. The next level of understanding and internal awareness is how you arrive at certain conclusions.

Examine the thought process that led to your conclusion on a given event. Push yourself to deeply understand what is behind your conclusion or judgment. It can be helpful to take the approach of a three-year-old. At that age, children tend to repeatedly ask, “Why?” If you do the same and genuinely answer several whys, you are likely to reach the core of the matter.

Next, determine if there were facts that you weighted heavily and other facts that you discounted. Why is that? What past experiences are you using to develop your theory? To determine the validity of your sample size, are those experiences you are drawing from things that have occurred once or many times in different situations and environments?

When people are introduced into the equation, you will need to scrutinize how your preconceived notions of them are impacting your analysis. How do you feel about this individual? Are there any negative experiences or feelings that could be clouding your judgment? This is one of the most difficult areas of the assessment. Our mind wants us to shortcut and assign a good or bad status to people.

For the most part, though, people are not wholly good or bad. Generally, we are walking contradictions that will make mistakes, have lapses in judgment, do great things, etc. This does not mean you should dismiss a hunch because someone has a track record that is predominantly good or bad. Instead, look at the facts to ensure that you are making your decision based on all of the information available—and not just a reputation. Relying solely on reputation can be dangerous and will lead to wrongful accusations and poor decisions.

Take note of your tendencies and try to identify consistent themes that shape your conclusions. This level of awareness will help you make more informed decisions and limit your biases from misleading you.

Having a strong understanding of yourself will aid you in your decision-making process. However, there are ever-changing elements that have a major impact and can disrupt your evaluation process. They are the situational elements at play.

Any time you are evaluating or trying to understand why a certain decision was made (by yourself or someone else), take time to assess and understand the situation. Acknowledge how these situational factors will impact your view and others, because it can dramatically shift what you think is right or wrong.

Internally understand what your emotional state is, and make best efforts to do the same for the other person(s) involved. A person who is stressed or has been working long hours to complete a large project will likely be more susceptible to irritability, have a shorter fuse, and be more likely to jump to negative conclusions. If you are upset with someone for making a rash decision, consider what is going on around them that could have shaped it. Maybe they felt as though they were under a mountain of stress and made a quick, less-than-rational decision. That level of understanding and empathy will aid you in making better decisions and engaging others when corrective action is necessary.

As you look outside of yourself and others, take inventory of what factors are at play around the situation. Is it a high-stress situation with tight deadlines looming? Or is it a low-stress, walk-in-the-park environment? These external factors are not intended to be an excuse for poor behavior; they are data points for you to make sense of. They should help you to come to more informed conclusions and decisions by enhancing your judgment.

Understanding what is going on around you in real time is a useful skill set. Collecting data points as you operate allows you to adjust on the fly and make modifications that can enhance your overall effectiveness.

This is difficult to do, but practice over time will help you strengthen your ability to read and react in a constructive manner. The following sections should help you to understand the nonverbals and potential undercurrents at play when you are working a room.

As you enter a room, take an initial inventory of what is going on and the emotional state of the room collectively and individually. Just like reading body language, evaluate the current state and how that compares to baseline norms.

This means paying attention to how everyone is positioned in the room as you enter or as they enter. Is it a welcoming room, or is it tight? How do you know? Look for signs of people talking to each other and smiling, indicating a cordial environment, versus heads down in the notes or on their phones, not looking at each other nor engaging in small talk. How does this compare to normal behavior? If it is different, something may be afoot.

When you enter the room, do you notice a shift, positive or negative? Do the conversations come to a screeching halt (bad sign), or are you greeted with warm, genuine smiles? A genuine smile causes the skin around the outsides of the eyes to wrinkle up. What does your gut say? Does it feel like you are welcome in this room or that the good time stopped now that you entered? When others greet you, do they square up and point their whole body directly at you (shoulders, hips, and feet), or do they give you a head-turn greeting instead? Squaring up is a sign of comfort and like, while the latter can be a sign that they are not overjoyed to see you. Take note of who makes eye contact or repositions their body to welcome you into the room. These are likely friendlies.

On the other hand, take note of people who do the opposite—the ones who do not acknowledge your entrance into the room and physically turn away or inward to avoid welcoming you to the room. You will need to work on getting them on your side.

Paying attention to these positive and negative undercurrents will help you perform at your best.

In a room that is less welcoming, when the attendees have their guards up, it may take extra effort in small talk to warm things up before jumping into business. In sales presentations especially, people’s inner skeptic comes out. Spend a few minutes on the appropriate pre-work discussion topics that individuals in the room can connect with, topics that you know are of interest to multiple attendees in the room, or ice breaker exercises.

Stating the obvious here, politics and religion are not appropriate topics to touch on. Those are polarizing subjects, and you will lose a healthy percentage of the room if you introduce those topics into the discussion.

As the small talk progresses, pay attention to the body language in the room. Do you see shoulders dropping and people opening up their body language (uncrossing of arms and legs) and smiling? Then it is time to get rolling, as you have officially “broken the ice.” While a few minutes of small talk is appropriate, if it expands beyond that, it has diminishing returns, and you could be viewed as not taking the meeting seriously or not respecting the others’ time.

Regardless of whether you are presenting or not, always be engaged with the speaker and the audience. While you are presenting, take note of any immediate shifts in mood or body language of an attendee. If you are an attendee of the meeting, your primary focus should be directed at the speaker; but also, every few minutes glance around the room to gauge how others are engaging and if there is a dramatic shift in mood of any of the individuals. Look for the following:

If you see a positive or negative change, identify what you said that could have triggered that response. If it was a negative response, honestly assess what you could have said that was offensive, misinterpreted, or touched a sore subject. Try to take corrective measures like clarifying your point or providing additional context.

Just like reading body language, try to take in the contextual clues at your disposal to round out the picture. Is someone checking their phone and growing more upset every time they check it? Their change in body language may not be about you. There is a chance that something going on outside of the room is causing the issue. However, you will still have a potential ticking time bomb at the table. You need to stay aware and do your best to ensure you don’t become the focus of their frustration, ultimately derailing your presentation.

When you engage a disengaged participant, you may see positive responses and body-language shifts in a good way, or you could exacerbate the situation. If you start to engage individuals who appear disengaged and their body language gets worse or starts to show signs of anxiousness, you should likely stop trying to engage those individuals. Some common signs of anxiousness are fidgeting with fingers, clothing, or pens, and constantly looking at their phone, watch, or a clock. Often you will see some calming behaviors accompanying this, like wiping their hands on their thighs or taking deep breaths, as signs of individuals trying to pacify their discomfort.

We have barely scratched the surface on the information that you can obtain while paying attention to how others respond. Start with these basics and practice regularly to hone your skills and to collect the additional data points that many are oblivious to.

Most people understand the basics of managing relationships—be courteous, exhibit good manners, and show gratitude. These are great foundational elements. However, if you desire more in your career, you will need to leverage advanced tactics to create deeper and richer workplace relationships with your customers.

Advanced tactics will help you overcome challenges that the average employee cannot. They lead to enhanced productivity and strength in your working relationships throughout the organization.

As you likely have learned in your career thus far, in business it is difficult to quantify the performance of individuals. Master these skills, and not only will you accomplish more, but you will also establish deep and meaningful relationships with your customers. You’ll be viewed in a positive light when you are being evaluated, and you’ll have put yourself and your brand in the best position to advance.

▸Honest conversations come from a well-intended place and provide feedback and opportunities for improvement that will help the other person.

▸The content of honest conversations focuses on the performance and behaviors with a pragmatic emphasis, not on the other person and their ego.

▸When done correctly with positive intent and the right focus, the feedback helps the person receiving it to improve and ultimately deepens the relationship between the two parties involved.

▸The elements behind conflict resolution: removing emotion, preparation, respect, safety, open discussion, ownership, test your hypothesis, take action, and follow through.

▸Your ability to influence others is something you will use every day at work, regardless of level. A common misconception is that once you lead teams or departments you can merely dictate what needs to happen.

▸Your surroundings can serve as a barometer of the lay of the land, provide early warning signs of missteps or contention, identify conflict, and give a general feeling of how things are going.

▸Throughout the day, large quantities of information are being expressed by others through nonverbal cues and actions, and in most cases they go unnoticed.