Let’s talk about the open secret of dating: No one knows what they’re doing. Everyone feels awkward. Even experienced adults are making up their approach to relationships as they go. There is no one-size-fits-all map to dating. Everyone has to draw their own map based on their own history, values, and desires.
The only tried-and-true remedy to combat awkwardness in dating is communication. You’ve gotta talk it out.
The name of the feelings game is honesty. It’s hard to talk honestly about the things that affect us. People put off talking about big things (like coming out) and small things (like telling your boyfriend you don’t like his favorite shirt). They’re not sure what to say or how to say it. Some people spend a lifetime trying to find the right words to discuss their sexuality. Some people spend years in relationships they don’t enjoy because speaking up about the problems seems terrifyingly impossible. Some people miss the chance (over and over and over) to build healthy relationships because they’re too worried about rejection to take the leap of sharing their feelings.
Talking about feelings is the bravest and kindest way to be. You can’t change how someone else feels. But you can express what’s going on in your head. An excellent model for communications in relationships is an I-message. An I-message looks like this:
With “I” messages, the speaker shares their feelings without coming across as judging the other person. It shows that you want to exchange the facts, find a solution together, and seek a helpful or positive change in the situation. Being able to talk about things that are upsetting is a crucial skill in any relationship, whether it’s with a partner, a friend, a parent, a coworker, or even a stranger. Angry, upsetting feelings that we ignore fester over time into resentment and even violence. That’s a relationship killer. And a dangerous way to live in the world.
When asking someone to change a certain behavior, it helps to be really specific about what you want that person to do. Instead of telling them not to do something, suggest an alternative that would work better or make you feel better. For example,
On the flip side, if someone brings up a problem with your behavior, the most effective reaction is to listen. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, and even if it hurts to hear them, tell the person that you’re glad they made the effort and took the risk to raise the issue. Responding well to criticism is super difficult. Try to hear what they’re saying and think about what impact your behavior had on them. Slow down, take a deep breath before responding, and then try to talk about solutions.
For example,
Most of us, especially girls and women, are taught to be people pleasers and to put other people’s needs first and our needs second. “Be nice!” is usually a message that we should do what other people want without complaint. But when you’re trained to always say yes, it’s hard to learn how to say no. It’s hard to express what you want and to create healthy boundaries.
It’s not only okay to say no, it’s essential to say no! In intimate relationships, you have no obligation to agree to do anything with someone because you’re worried about hurting their feelings if you say no. That includes going to a dance, making out, and having sex. It’s your job to take care of your own body and feelings first. This means listening to your inner voice and listening to what your instincts and values tell you. If your instincts tell you that you don’t want to do something or that it’s unsafe to do so, you don’t have to. It’s not okay to make someone else happy by making yourself unhappy or unsafe.
Some of the boundaries you set are physical: deciding who is allowed to touch you and how, where you want to be touched and where you don’t, what to put in your body (such as alcohol), how your body looks (such as whether to shave your legs or paint your nails), and what happens to your body (such as whether to start hormone therapy).
Other boundaries are emotional: deciding with whom you feel comfortable being vulnerable, with whom to share your identity and sexual history, with whom to say “I love you” or not, and when you can support someone emotionally and when you’re maxed out.
Other boundaries are social: deciding with whom you’ll spend time and how much, what you’re interested in (such as whether to go to church, join the honor society, or study art), and what types of clothes to wear.
In dating, always respect your boundaries. If you want to do something, give enthusiastic consent. If you don’t, say a firm no. The same is true in respecting other people’s boundaries. Listen for enthusiastic consent. If someone seems uncertain, uncomfortable, or pressured in any way into going along with your desires, they’re not enthusiastically consenting. If someone says “Umm . . .” or stays silent when you suggest something, that’s not enthusiastic consent—that’s a no. Take time, go slowly, and make space for anyone you’re dating or interested in to express their feelings. If they say no to something you want to do, respect where they’re coming from and don’t push them to change their mind. People’s boundaries change with time. But let them—not you—be the one to decide what changes and when.
Having boundaries doesn’t make you stubborn, mean, or selfish. Saying no is an articulate and valid way of expressing what you want. Establishing boundaries doesn’t always mean actually saying the word no. Here are some options for saying no:
“My friend is having a birthday party. Want to come?”
“Thanks for the invite! I don’t feel like going out. I’m feeling low energy, and I don’t feel like meeting a whole bunch of new people.”
“Will you go to prom with me?”
“That’s really nice of you to ask. That makes me feel good. But I don’t want to go with you. It feels too date-y, and I’m not into that.”
“Do you want a beer?”
“Oh, no thanks, I’m going to stick to water tonight.”
“Why are you spending your time with your friends instead of me? I’m your girlfriend, and you should always want to hang out just with me!”
“I really love spending time with you. It’s important for me to have my own time too. My friends are a big part of who I am, and I want to spend time with them too.”
“Do you see us ever becoming more than friends?”
“I think you’re great. But I’m not attracted to you, so I don’t want to date you.”
“Honey, you would look so much prettier in a dress.”
“Mom, I feel that I look good this way. Wearing pants makes me feel more comfortable and confident. This is what I’m going to wear.”
“You don’t want to have sex with me because you don’t love me.”
“That’s not true. I love you, but I feel differently about sex than you do. I’m not ready to have sex. I want to move more slowly.”
Talking about positive feelings can be tough too. Sometimes it feels as if it would be easier to walk off a cliff than confess to a crush. Dating requires being brave, honest, and direct. That’s not only because you’ll get the feeling off your chest but also because discussing intimate things is necessary for respecting consent.
It’s normal to have crushes on more than one person at a time. It’s also normal to have a crush on only one person—or on no one at all. Attraction varies. Some people are attracted to lots of other people. Some are attracted to very few.
So, if you like someone, what do you do?
The best way to start is to ask them questions about themselves and their interests. Listen to what they say. If you’re interested in some of the same things they are, get involved in the same groups at school so you can get to know each other better while also working on something you both care about. Make it clear how much they mean to you by supporting them. If they invite you to their play, soccer game, or charity fund-raiser, show up and cheer them on. Tell them they did a great job.
If there’s a moment that feels appropriate, take the plunge and tell them (in words!) how you feel. This can be terrifying and awkward. But remember: Everyone is terrified and awkward.
Here are some ways to tell someone you like them, along with kind responses you can share if someone tells you they like you but you don’t feel the same way about them:
“I know you like Star Wars. Do you want to go see the new movie with me?”
You might say,
“Hey, I know this is awkward, but I wanted to tell you that I really like you.”
You might say,
“It’s been a really good night. Can I kiss you?”
You might say,
Vulnerability is a strength. The more you can open up to trusted people around you, the deeper and more real your relationships will be. But you also get to decide what not to tell people.
Would you tell the cashier at the grocery store that you just had sex? How about your best friend? How about your mom? We all draw our own communication boundaries. When deciding what to share and with whom, think about these things:
If you feel your safety might be in jeopardy, you don’t have to have a conversation at all. For example, if you’re worried a partner will become violent when you try to break up with them, that’s a conversation you should not have face-to-face. Go to a place that feels safe, surround yourself with people you trust, and text or email what you need to say to your partner. Don’t go it alone. Tell friends and family who can support you that you’re breaking things off with your partner and you’re worried they’ll be violent. It’s easier to stay safe if you have a support network around you.
Another example is if a parent might kick you out of the house or cut off funding for college if you come out to them. Then you’re under no obligation to come out. You can wait however long it takes—weeks, months, or years—for you to be in a safe, stable, independent situation. Then start that conversation if it feels right and safe to you.
Many people feel a lot of pressure to be honest about absolutely everything. They worry that if they aren’t honest, they are lying about their lives. But waiting to feel safe, respected, and supported by someone before you share something difficult is not the same as lying. You are building trust with another person, and that can take a long time.
Think hard before you speak up about an attraction you might feel for a coworker or roommate. You have to spend a lot of time with this person. If they tell you they don’t share your feelings, your workplace or apartment can suddenly become a tough place to be. And if you supervise the person you’re attracted to, definitely keep your feelings to yourself. The power dynamic is not equal, and approaching that person with your attraction is a form of sexual harassment.
Avoid speaking to someone who has asked you to stay away. This happens a lot after a breakup. One person will ask to not be in contact for a while. This request needs to be respected, even if it’s tempting to pour your heart and soul into a text message at two in the morning. Ignore that urge. Instead of sending messages to someone who doesn’t want to hear from you, write down your feelings in a journal, in a word document, or in draft emails, and then delete them.
When starting a tricky conversation, make sure you have the time and emotional energy to have the discussion. There’s never a perfect time to bring up tough topics, but be aware of the stress the topic will cause. A classic bad move is bringing up a huge issue right before a big event. For example, on the thirty-minute drive with your boyfriend to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving, you tell him you want to break up. Making a big decision during an emotionally turbulent time is another recipe for disaster. For example, deciding at three in the morning that you absolutely must text a longtime crush and confess your feelings. Better way to go? Slow down. Make sure that you have had enough food, water, and sleep to operate at full capacity and that you have enough time to talk through your feelings with the person.
An important aspect of communication is how much of your brain is focused on the person you’re talking to and how much is thinking about checking Instagram.
When was the last time you went a whole day without looking at your phone? A 2018 study from the University of Buffalo in New York found that students would much rather be deprived of food for three hours than their smartphones. But being apart from your phone for a few hours is good for your brain—and for your relationships and self-confidence.
According to Apple, the average iPhone user checks their phone eighty times a day. That constant distraction takes away from face-to-face relationships. In her book Reclaiming Conversation, sociologist Sherry Turkle of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology says that 89 percent of Americans took out a phone during their last social interaction, and 82 percent said that it deteriorated the conversation they were in.
Phones also distract us even when we’re not looking at them. Our brains notice a phone when it vibrates or pings, even if we don’t pick it up to look at it. One study by Florida State University researchers found that after hearing a phone vibrate or ring with an incoming text, people start thinking about what it might be and planning a theoretical response. In another study, University of California San Diego students were asked to take a test while their phones were either in front of them on their desks, stowed in their bags, or stashed in a different room. The results were clear: Students whose phones were in view had more trouble concentrating and solving problems. As the phone’s proximity increased, brainpower decreased.
This ties into dating and relationships because it shows how hard it is to be fully present with another person when a phone is in the mix. To enjoy time with someone, whether it’s a partner or your parents, stash the phone somewhere so you won’t be hungry to check it.
Scrolling through social media can be destructive to your self-image. Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat are marketed as positive places for friends to share their lives. The reality is that all those photos of other people looking pretty and having fun can be a toxic mirror. Research shows that teens who spend more time looking at social media are more frequently dissatisfied with their bodies. The constant life comparisons that apps invite can be demoralizing when you’re unhappy and everyone else seems to be #blessed. Do yourself a huge favor and take breaks from your phone during the day or week. Leave it at your house when you go out or at least keep it in your bag or a back pocket instead of in your hand.
Sending sexy messages or photos can be fun—one in seven teens say they’ve sent a sext. Sending sexy text or photos isn’t necessarily a problem if it’s done with consent. The problem comes when consent is violated. The “unwanted dick pic” is a real phenomenon. Among men under the age of thirty-four, 24 percent say they have sent a dick pic to someone without being asked. It’s not okay to flash your penis at a stranger, whether you’re on the street or on your phone. When people demand photos of you or share photos of themselves without your asking for them, that’s manipulative and exploitative behavior. It’s just as bad as demanding to see a part of your body in real life. It’s disrespectful and crosses a personal boundary.
The other huge problem around sexting and consent is when people forward private photos from someone to other people. That happens all the time. One in four Americans has shared sexy photos they’ve received with friends. So remember that when you send someone a photo, it’s impossible to know where it will wind up. Even if the recipient doesn’t share it, their phone could be stolen or hacked. Some revenge porn websites profit from vengeful exes who upload photos of their former partners.
If you decide to sext, play it safe. Sharing pornographic photos of yourself could constitute child porn if you’re under eighteen. People have been prosecuted with a felony for sexting when they or their partner is under eighteen. To be safe, never send erotic photos of yourself. Stick to sexy words instead. If you do really, really want to send a photo of your body, don’t include your face. And only send someone that sext if they’ve made it clear they actually want it. Finally, delete any sexy photos you take and make sure your partner deletes any they receive and then empty the trash.
I’m sixteen and I had sex once before at summer camp. Now I have a boyfriend, and he says that since I’m not a virgin anyway, I should be fine having sex with him. But it feels different with him. I don’t know. Am I being too stubborn?
You’re not being stubborn. You’re listening to your gut. Having sex with one person doesn’t guarantee you want to have sex with someone else—even if you like that new person a lot! Sex with each person is a new decision to approach on a case-by-case basis. Whatever someone’s reasons for wanting to move slowly on sex, those reasons are valid. A supportive partner will listen to you, respect your feelings, and not guilt you into changing your mind. Because he’s putting pressure on you, your boyfriend is not being supportive of your boundaries or respecting how you feel. He needs to level up his respect, or you can leave him behind.
I’m a sophomore guy, and I’m pretty sure I’m gay. I came out to my parents last year and they were totally supportive, but my mom asked me not to tell my grandma. My grandma is a conservative Christian, and she’ll probably be upset. My mom thinks she might not help me pay for college if I tell her. But I feel as if I’m lying. Should I tell my grandma and how?
Whether you tell your grandma is up to you, not your mom. But it’s worth listening to your mom and weighing the pros and cons. How important is it to you that your grandma knows about this part of you? How will a negative response affect you? You are not lying by not discussing your identity. Your first responsibility is always to make sure you’re doing what’s necessary to protect yourself. Will you be able to attend college without your grandma’s support? If not, how would it impact you emotionally to wait until you’re done with college to come out? A good strategy is testing the waters by bringing up LGBTQ issues. Tell your grandma about a TV show with a gay character. Point out a news article about a gay pride parade. How she responds can be a clue to how she’d respond to your own news. She might surprise you. Then again you might not be in a position to take that risk.