Dating has always been evolving. In her book Labor of Love, historian Moira Weigel points out that what many people think of as a classic scenario—having a steady boyfriend or girlfriend—was shocking in the 1940s and 1950s. Parents, advice columnists, and even priests advised against going steady. Instead, they argued, it was better for young people to date around.
Throughout American history, every new generation has changed dating behaviors. Age, class, race, and gender shape what we see as normal. That men should pay for dinner, movies, and everything else on a date, for example, didn’t come out of the blue. It became a norm because, for much of the twentieth century, women either weren’t allowed to work outside the home or if they did, they were paid so little they could not afford to pick up the check. In 1900 women were paid half of what men were paid for the same jobs (and a wage gap continues).
These days, young Americans are continuing to change what relationships and dating look like. People are waiting longer to get married. The percentage of women who have decided not to have biological children has doubled since 1970, from one in ten to one in five. And younger people are more likely to define their sexuality as something other than straight. In a 2015 British survey, 43 percent of people aged eighteen to twenty-four identified themselves as not exclusively heterosexual. Only 7 percent of people over sixty identified that way. These trends show how people are making new choices about what healthy relationships look like to them.
All of this is to say that there is no right way to date. You get to shape your relationships in the ways that work for you and make you feel happy and healthy. That can mean following established rules or making up new rules—including deciding how to split the check.
Beyoncé sings a song about the way love can make a person feel crazy. That’s a reality a lot of people will recognize. Being intensely attracted to someone actually changes our brain chemistry. It feels exhilarating and all-consuming. That’s in part because when someone is experiencing deep attraction, their brain releases higher-than-normal levels of the chemical dopamine and the hormone norepinephrine. These chemicals make people giddy, energetic, and euphoric. Neurological studies have found that attraction also seems to decrease serotonin, a chemical that’s linked to regulating appetite and mood. Sexual arousal appears to turn off the critical-thinking regions in our brain that are tied to self-awareness and rational behavior.
When we’re lusting after someone new, we’re not our smartest selves. When making decisions about new relationships, know that your brain is essentially flooded with love drugs. It’s not a good idea to make major, life-changing decisions (like moving across the country, getting married, getting pregnant, or getting a tattoo) within the first six months of falling in love with someone. Over time, brain chemistry evens out and that extra-loving dopamine and norepinephrine return to normal levels. That means your over-the-top feelings will shift with time too.
Keep an eye out for patterns of obsession. Someone who is obsessed with a crush or new partner will reorient their entire life around the person. They will drop things they’re interested in to do stuff their crush likes instead. They might try to mold their personality to match what they think the object of their affection would be attracted to. They won’t respect their own boundaries, values, or self-care. They risk losing themselves in pursuit of someone as a goal.
Obsession can also drive a dangerous behavior: stalking. The “no-just-means-try-harder” approach to relationships violates consent. Stalking involves trying to keep in constant contact, so it can take the form of following someone in person or digitally—like constantly texting and demanding to know where you are and who you’re with. One in six women and one in nineteen men will be victimized by stalking in their lifetimes. If you feel that someone is stalking you, let someone you trust know, like a teacher or a parent. You’ll need a support network to help keep that person away from you. Keeping yourself safe may require blocking the stalker on social media, asking sites to suspend their account, having their class schedule changed, or taking legal action.
Everyone gets jealous sometimes. Jealousy is a natural, universal human emotion, and it can be an important clue to our inner feelings. Keep an eye on the behaviors that make you or your partner jealous. Push yourselves to ask questions about the deeper root of those feelings. Usually at the core of jealousy is a feeling of insecurity. What are you or your partner insecure about? What are you afraid of? How can you reassure one another?
However, out-of-control jealousy can lead to controlling and abusive behavior. This type of jealousy includes accusing a partner of cheating or wanting to cheat, demanding frequent reassurance, and pouting or getting upset as a way to get attention. It also includes getting upset about spending any time apart, pursuing different interests, and monitoring a partner’s communications.
If you find yourself acting in these ways, stop and check yourself. You can feel jealous without having to act on it. Use I-messages to bring up the issue with your partner and talk about what’s causing the jealousy.
Jealous behavior often takes place over texts. Keeping in touch with your sweetie should feel thoughtful and positive. But constant contact can be a sign of possessive and jealous behavior. If they’re using texts to keep tabs on where you are and who you’re with, that’s a red flag. Another problem sign is if your partner demands the right to go through your phone and read your texts—or opens your phone without your permission to see what you’ve been writing to other people or posting on social media. That’s a violation of your right to privacy in a relationship. Good relationships are built on trust, and that means giving each other space and privacy.
If you are feeling monitored, overwhelmed, or threatened by someone’s behavior or texts, that’s a potentially toxic relationship. It’s always okay to turn off your phone and ignore their texts. Try not to respond to harassing, abusive, or inappropriate texts. Instead, respond later that the messages were out of line. If you feel safe enough, you can bring up the problem in person and ask them to change their behavior. You can block phone numbers, and you can block people from being able to see your posts on social media. If they’re threatening violence or making you feel unsafe, you and your family may decide to tell the police and seek a restraining order.
But, ultimately, those solutions require your action when really the problem is how the other person is behaving. It’s ultimately their responsibility not to be abusive.
Everyone has the right to be happy and respected in a relationship. At a basic level, being in a relationship should feel good. But that doesn’t mean being in love is always a happy feeling. People often think that all abusive relationships are violent. Sometimes, abuse is emotional, involving a pattern of behavior that one person uses against another to intimidate and to get what they want. That can mean making demands on their partner’s time, shaming them, guilting them, or forcing them to do something they don’t want to do, including sex.
So what does a healthy relationship look like? What does an unhealthy one look like? Here are lists of healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behaviors to think about. The lists adapt materials from the sexual health group Advocates for Youth and The Teen Relationship Workbook.
In a healthy relationship, people
In an unhealthy relationship, people
Signs of an abusive relationship are
Do any of those behaviors sound familiar? If so, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.
People often blame the victim in abusive relationships, asking why they stayed or why they “let themselves” be treated in a bad way. That’s unfair and actually makes the situation worse. People stay in unhealthy relationships for all sorts of reasons. They may be afraid of what their partner will do if they try to leave. If they don’t have good role models for what a healthy relationship looks like, they may think that abuse is normal. They may be embarrassed about the abuse and feel as if they’ll be judged if they tell people about it. They may love the person who is hurting them and hope that the abuser will change. They may rely on the abusive person for housing or financial support and feel as if they have nowhere to go if they leave.
Abuse happens in all types of relationships, including LGBTQ relationships. While women are more likely to be the victims of abuse, men and nonbinary people also can be victimized. Being in an abusive relationship does not mean there is anything wrong with you or that you failed in any way.
The hardest part of being in a relationship is knowing when it needs to end. Breaking up isn’t a failure. It’s actually really brave. Breaking up requires looking critically at your relationships and thinking through what’s working and what’s not. That’s powerful. A breakup is not always an end. It’s an evolution. Many people stay in each other’s lives in a special and significant way even after they break up.
It can take a long time to decide whether to break up. Listen to yourself and trust your feelings. It helps to talk through your feelings with friends or family or a counselor. It also often helps to write out your thoughts.
Talk to your partner about the thoughts you’re having. Bring up the problems you’re noticing and how they’re making you feel. You may be able to talk through them together and come to a positive solution. In long-term relationships, people talk through all kinds of problems over the years. The strength of a relationship isn’t just in the good times. It’s in the hard times too.
In the end, it comes down to one deceptively simple question: Do you want to stay in the relationship or not? If not, it’s time to leave. No matter how tenderly you approach this, it will probably hurt. You’ll probably both miss each other and feel sad, angry, and generally very upset. That’s normal. But don’t stay to avoid hurting the other person. It’s not fair to them or to you.
Here are some tips for developing a breakup action plan:
If the breakup isn’t mutual and you’re the one who feels dumped, here’s a guide to dealing with the loss of a relationship you loved:
The most important thing after a breakup is to take care of yourself! Build new routines that will be a scaffold for your changed life. Immerse yourself in an activity you love, take pleasure in your family and friends, foster new friendships, and keep yourself healthy. Use the breakup to reflect on your own relationship patterns. Think about what you did really well and what you could have done better in the relationship. Ask yourself what lessons you want to bring to the next one. Use what you’ve learned to continue to write the script for the relationships you want for yourself in your life. You are in charge!
My girlfriend and I broke up a year ago, and I still feel really sad about it. All my friends say I need to just get over her, but I miss her a lot sometimes. Is it normal to still feel sad a year after a breakup?
Does every sad song on the radio sound as if it’s playing just for you? That’s normal. There’s no time limit on how long it takes to grieve a relationship. It sounds as if this was a significant relationship for you, so you’ll probably be thinking about it for the rest of your life. But to move on, don’t let it define your life. Seek out activities you’re into and surround yourself with friends who get you. This relationship was one part of who you are. Foster the rest of you.
Last year, I was in a bad relationship with a boyfriend and I got pregnant. I decided to get an abortion, which was a really tough decision. Now, I’m in a new relationship with a great guy. Do I need to tell him about my abortion? And when?
You’re under no obligation to tell anyone about your personal decisions if you don’t want to. If you feel safe, comfortable, and supported in this relationship, there probably will be a time when you feel good about opening up about this history. But that decision needs to come from you. Not telling him doesn’t mean you’re lying. It means you’re still processing what this experience means to you and how to talk about it.