No matter how many times I’d taken to the skies, nothing would ever adequately prepare me for the first taste of winter wind. It was sharp and icy on my tongue, and it burned.
Isn’t that strange? How something cold burns just as much as fire? Incredibly painful, yet I spread my wings wide, letting the winter air tickle through every feather. I enjoyed this kind of pain. It reminded me that I am not an unfeeling wad of used space, that my body still has raw nerve endings that can hurt. Can feel love.
Shut up, Kol. Such wishful thinking.
I’d given my entire heart to Jules. He’d been the only person that ever made me feel as alive as I did when soaring through the skies. Every day had felt like that with him, even when he was laid up in bed with fever sweats. And I swore that no one would ever hold my heart the way he had.
So why? Why the hell did I feel so elated every time I saw Luka? The feeling in the pit of my stomach tightened at the memory of reaching for his hand. Of course, I’d stopped myself, but not before the butterflies fluttered.
It felt like some sort of betrayal to Jules, which made no sense. He’d died years ago, but I’d promised myself to him and no one else. Wasn’t that what true love was? Staying loyal no matter the cost?
I’d had to escape from the lust green in his eyes before I lost myself in them. He called my name, but I knew if I turned around that it would be the end for me. I couldn’t give in.
Not yet.
Yet? No. I couldn’t give in ever. No matter how much I loved the way his lips curved into a smile. No matter how cute his laugh was. Or the way he said my name.
I let the wind take hold of me, with no particular destination in mind. I twirled through the air, wrapping my wings around my body like a comforting blanket. I closed my eyes as I spun around aimlessly, embracing the feeling of freedom and allowing myself to simply drift along.
The pure wet taste of the clouds as I soared through the sky reminded me of snow on the tongue, flavorless and fresh.
Losing momentum, I unfurled my wings and flapped them, making sure to stretch my arms out in front of me as a guide. Wind caught between feathers, ruffling them, and I watched a loose one float down slowly.
Suddenly, I could hear his voice like a whisper in the wind that called out to me.
Kol. You can let me go now, Kol.
Tears stung down my face, and I nosedived for the silver feather. No. I wasn’t ready to let go.
It’s okay. His voice echoed in my mind, reassuring me. You’re heart is so big. There is room for someone else.
Shaking from my sobs, I reached out a hand to the falling feather, but it slipped through my fingers.
Was it bad that I could still hear his voice as clear as a summer’s day, but only remember a vague description of his face? Fine dark hair. Brown eyes. Strong shoulders that held me so many nights. But the details were gone.
With my hand still open toward the falling feather, a new image arose. Luka’s face. Ginger hair with his adorably furry ears flat against it. I could paint every single freckle from memory.
Guilt banged through me again. Gods, how I longed to reach out a hand to touch them, knowing my heart still belonged to Jules.
I watched helplessly as the feather touched the pool of water beneath me, and I realized that I was just like it. No matter what I did to catch it before it hit the ground, if that was what was meant to happen, there was nothing to stop it from falling.
I spent another hour in the sky before the muscles in my back started to ache from keeping myself propelled in the air. But I knew I couldn’t keep to the skies forever, avoiding this feeling in my heart. Maybe I couldn’t tell him how I felt, but I wanted to.
Desperately.
Finally, when the pain moved from a dull sort of ache to a sharper one at the base of my wings, I let myself descend upon the fortress. Pure white snow covered the ground, untouched since the last flurry, crunched beneath the weight of my boots.
Reaching for the door handle, I paused at the door, knowing that once I walked in there, I might not be in complete control of myself. Still, I gathered myself, sucking in one last chilly gulp of air before turning the knob. It whirred, clicked under the weight of my hand. I took a startled step back, pulling my arm back to my chest.
Luka stood in the doorway, and I felt the heat radiating from within. It seeped out into the air, and it seemed to almost brush against my skin like a soft caress, warming my cheeks ever so slightly.
His green eyes fixed on me, almost as if he were searching for some sort of answer inside of me.
“Hey,” he said, a worried expression concentrated between his brows. “Where’d you go?”
All the air in my lungs deserted me. I tried and failed to inhale another breath, but it was as if his presence had sucked out all the oxygen. When I didn’t answer, he took a step forward, disturbing the snow even more.
I stepped back, both hands frozen in front of me and unsure where to hold them naturally. With my hesitation, Luka stopped. His perky ears twitched with questions.
“I–” I like you. “I told you.” Shit, I sounded angry. I tried again in a gentler tone.
“I needed, uh, some fresh air. You know, to stretch my wings.”
His lips were dry. Wind chapped just like mine, as if he’d been in the skies with me. He whetted them with his tongue. My eyes danced from his mouth to his eyes. Unsure where to look, I focused on the painting hanging on the wall behind him.
“You’ve been gone for a long time,” he said. “I was starting to worry.”
Gods, Luka. Please don’t make that face. Even with his forehead crinkled in worry, he was so damn adorable.
Part of me wanted to get angry because then I’d know exactly what I was feeling. Maybe I could scare him away. But I wasn’t Elm, the king of pushing people away because he was afraid of hurting them. How many times had I lectured him for his treatment of the girl? It was like everyone in the world knew except them.
Mother save me.
“Lu–”
He stopped me, reaching out to touch my forehead. I swore my heart stopped beating.
“What are you–?”
“You’re freezing! You should come inside and warm up. C’mon, don’t need you catching a cold in the middle of a war.”
Then he offered me a kind smile, dropping his hand from my face and beckoning me inside with a wave of the hand. I was a lost dog, a starving mutt that had forgotten what kindness felt like.
So, I followed him to the sofa and sat down, unable to break my eyes away from him. Luka didn’t seem to be aware of my watchful gaze as he continued walking, stopping only to stir the logs in the fireplace with the iron poker. Moments later, he joined me on the sofa, offering me the throw blanket beside him.
I took it wordlessly, still eyeing him carefully. He cocked his head to the side.
“You okay?”
I swallowed against the knot that seemed to be choking me. “I’m–I’m fine.”
He smiled warmly, as if I’d squelched all his worries with my words. There was that pestering flutter in my chest again.
“Good. Hey, you hungry? I’m starving, but I wanted to wait for you to get back to reheat the soup.”
That was my undoing, I think. I checked out completely, watching his chapped lips move and form words.
Why?
I nodded absentmindedly, not sure what he was saying. But he stood and faced away from me.
And I grabbed hold of his hand. It was warm, hot even against my still frozen skin.
“Luka–” I managed. He turned to me, green eyes glistening like a pool of liquified emeralds.
I can’t do this. Can’t say it. It’s not fair to him when I can’t give him what doesn’t belong to me. My love, it’s Jules’, always has been and always will be.
Suddenly, looking into his eyes was too much for me. I dropped my gaze to my hands and was surprised when his fingers brushed my wrist.
“I’m worried about them, too,” he said, “but they will be okay.”
A low moan passed my lips before I could stop it. “It’s not fair.”
Aware. So aware of his hand on mine that I couldn’t seem to breathe.
“Are you still mad they wouldn’t let you go?”
I shook my head no. “Do you like her?”
Luka stirred beside me, slowly removing his hand from mine until it rested in his lap. Refusing to look up, I kept my gaze on the floor, avoiding his intense eyes.
“Rhen? Of course, she’s my best friend.”
“But you’re feelings for her, they’re platonic?”
He froze, and I thought I must have given myself away because he went utterly quiet.
“I’m sorry — forget I asked.”
“He loves her. I overheard you two talking that day. And I think she loves him, too. But they are so busy guarding the walls that they’ve both spent their entire lives building to let each other in.”
I took a chance and raised my eyes to meet his. They were distant, like he’d been carried away in his own contemplation.
“They don’t realize how fucking lucky they are to have their feelings returned. Instead, they just keep swallowing it down. Not that I’m any better. But if I could do things over, I’d have told him exactly how I felt, even though I knew he’d never like me back.”
Elm. He was talking about Elm.
I knew, vaguely, of Luka’s fondness for him. Was aware that he was at least a part of why Elm had left Dullahan. Jealousy twisted my gut, and I couldn’t bring myself to ask what had happened between the two of them.
Luka shrugged, lost in his own sorrow. “But it’s better now, so no point in dwelling on the past. Anyway, soup?”
He stood up again, making his way into the kitchen. I didn’t extend my arm to try to stop him, but as he stepped into the adjoining room, I whispered it.
Those three words that absolutely terrified me.
“I like you.”
His footsteps paused, sending a shock of fear through me, and my heart raced. Had he heard me? I held my breath and waited silently, struggling to keep movement to a minimum.
No. Even with his feyrie hearing, I’d said it so low that even I had barely heard the confession.
Still, I’d admitted it, even if only to myself. There was no turning back now.