News from the South

I WAS UNEASY.

What had things come to when someone like me was telling people what to do? A strange world, indeed. Yet I wasn’t convinced that the strangeness was limited to the fact that an idiot was thinking for everyone else. On the other hand, I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was that made this world so strange. For nights I lay in bed pondering this question, oblivious to the woman sleeping beside me. This particular one had been sent from the fortress of recent defectors from Chieftain Lha Shopa. I’d been so wrapped up in a question that wasn’t really mine to worry about that I hadn’t even asked her name during the several nights she’d been sleeping in my bed. It’s not that I didn’t want to ask; it simply hadn’t occurred to me, not once. Luckily, she was a good-natured girl and didn’t complain. She’d come to pay a debt for those who had been pulled back from the brink of death. But I had no desire for her, because I was consumed by questions about the world we live in.

Finally, one morning, the desire awoke in me. As I’ve said before, I almost always felt lost first thing in the morning and had to ask myself where and who I was. But not that morning. Forgetting the questions, I woke the soundly sleeping girl, who smelled like a young mare, and asked her, “Who are you?”

She woke up slowly, and as I looked into her sleepy eyes, I figured she didn’t know who she was either at that moment. But once she was awake, her face blushed the same color as the nipples on her firm breasts. I smiled when I told her that, which made her blush even more deeply. She reached out to hold me, pressing her strong body against mine.

“Do you know who I am?” I asked her.

“They say you’re a kind idiot, a smart idiot, if you’re really an idiot at all, that is.”

You see, everyone had formed an opinion of me. “Forget other people,” I said. “Tell me what you think of me.”

She laughed. “I think you’re an idiot who doesn’t like girls.”

My desire was immediately aroused. She struggled, moaned, and moved like a small cow as she covered my face with full breasts that smelled strongly of milk. But she resisted opening that moist, dark place I really wanted to enter. Her body spread out for me like cowhide, but she held her legs tightly together, refusing to let me in. When she finally relented, I exploded as soon as I entered.

She smiled. “It seems you haven’t had a woman for a long time.”

It had indeed been a long time.

It occurred to me then that my brother, who was still fighting in the south, would never go that long without a woman. If someone were to tell him that his brother had slept with a girl two or three nights before having sex with her, he’d have laughed, and said, “Now, that’s an idiot!”

But that was the only thing he could laugh about. At last, news of his defeat came from the south. He appeared to have won a battle nearly every day, while in fact the enemy troops avoided those battles they knew they could not win. So he pushed deep into Wangpo’s territory without having much to show for it. No matter where he went, he saw few cows or sheep, let alone people. And, of course, no gold or silver or other treasures. Even with his powerful, sophisticated weapons, the first young master of the Maichi family, the future chieftain, could find no one to kill. Most of the people he encountered had already starved to death, and the live ones were too weak to fight against their fate. His soldiers cut off their ears as fake trophies, and the first young master’s reputation as a ruthless man began to spread.

My brother had moved too far inside enemy territory. He never saw the enemy troops as he forged ahead, but they sniped at him at every opportunity. A man one day, a gun the next, and within a few months, he had helped arm the enemy with Maichi weapons. As a result, Chieftain Wangpo, using weapons handed over by my brother, had taken the lightly guarded fortress on the southern border. By the time my brother fought his way back, more than half of the grain was gone. He wanted to launch a new attack against Wangpo, but Father stopped him.

Chieftain Maichi said to his heir, “You gave them guns and grain, both of which they didn’t have and desperately needed. There will be time to attack again when you know what else he needs.”

My brother fell ill.

Father told him to rest.

My brother remained in the border fortress, recuperating and waiting for Chieftain Wangpo to wage another attack. He was gearing up to deal his enemy a mortal blow this time.

But the new Chieftain Wangpo, who had just succeeded to the position, took the long way around, arriving at my new market to engage in trade.

You see, it was all because of me that peace came to our vast land. People knew about me even in faraway territories where no chieftain’s influence had ever reached. Within a short period of time, I’d given a new and much broader meaning to the word idiot. Now, because of me, the words idiot, fate, good fortune, and destiny had all become synonymous.

There were only minor skirmishes between Chieftains Lha Shopa and Rongong, and even those would be over soon. I hadn’t expected to pull the firewood out from under the female chieftain’s cauldron, but I did. I’d always treated her like a mother-in-law, but she seemed unwilling to have me as a son-in-law. Without my support, she was soon unable to sustain any attack at all. She wrote to ask for help from her future son-in-law. I said nothing after the steward read the letter to me, so he replied on my behalf. ”Something isn’t quite right with our young master’s head, and he isn’t sure why he is to be your son-in-law.”

Another letter arrived, this time tinged with bitterness, stating that the future son-in-law of Rongong would also be its future chieftain.

The steward smiled, but not I. I had too much time on my hands those days and had begun thinking about Tharna again. So the steward sent another letter in which he reported that the young master could not recall what Tharna looked like.

At such extraordinary times, an idiot was actually in a position to decide the fates of many smart people. No longer able to insist upon proper protocols, Chieftain Rongong sent her daughter over without even waiting for a formal wedding ceremony.

Tharna arrived in the morning. When the servant came to report her arrival, I was in bed with the girl whose blushing face was the same color as her nipples. I don’t mean to say that we were doing anything. No, we’d done enough of that recently at night. But, as usual, I woke up late, and then only because Sonam Tserang was standing by my bed, coughing discreetly. I opened one eye and saw his mouth move, but mention of Tharna’s arrival didn’t register. “All right,” I said sleepily, “all right.”

That would not have been a good time for Tharna to barge in. Luckily, the steward was up, and had already shown her into another room when Sonam Tserang went to relay my silly response. I shook the girl next to me, who stirred, then sighed and went back to sleep. Anxiety set in. Fortunately, she woke up soon after that, as if she’d rolled over not to sleep, but to wake up slowly. “Where am I?” she asked with a giggle.

I told her and then asked, “Who am I?”

She told me.

Just then, Sonam Tserang came in looking somber, and said, “Your fiancée is growing impatient.”

“Who?”

“Tharna!”

I leapfrogged off the bed and nearly ran out naked. Sonam Tserang stifled a laugh, but not the girl in bed, who was giggling as she knelt on the bed to dress me, even though she herself was still naked. Her laughter turned to sobs, as sizable teardrops rained down on her breasts.

She stopped crying when I told her that Tharna, mywife-to-be, was Chieftain Rongong’s daughter.

Then I added that the tears hanging on her breasts were like dewdrops dangling from apples. She laughed through her tears.

The moment I saw Tharna, her beauty struck me with the force of a red-hot bullet. My skin and my veins, my eyes and my heart, were all lacerated by its power. It never took much to turn me back into a real idiot—the sight of a beautiful girl usually did the trick.

When a person turns stupid, the skin on his face tautens. Look at someone’s smile, and you’ll know if he’s an idiot or not. When an idiot smiles, his facial muscles won’t obey orders from his brain, which is why the face of a smiling idiot wears the expression of someone who has died in a snowstorm. You can see all his teeth, but not a ripple of luster.

Tharna spoke first. “I’ll bet you didn’t expect me to be here so soon.”

I said I hadn’t, and as soon as I opened my mouth, my facial muscles relaxed, which in turn cleared up my head.

But I still didn’t know what to do. Up till then, I could sleep with any woman I wanted just by asking for her. Even if I had feelings for a woman—emotions as lofty as the mountains and as mighty as the streams, as it were—I wouldn’t feel comfortable revealing them until I’d slept with her a few times. But that wouldn’t work with Tharna, who would soon be my wife. So what was I to do? Fortunately, I had a steward who’d thought things through for me. He whispered, “Call the servants in, Young Master.”

Given my complete trust in him, I waved grandly, and before I knew it, a bunch of servants entered and placed a pile of jewelry before Tharna. Now that I’d become a businessman, jewelry was easy to come by. I waved some more, summoning a stream of servants, who placed before Tharna all sorts of precious objects from other chieftains’ lands and the Han people’s place. I kept my hand busy waving all that morning. Even though Tharna fought to remain calm, I figured that amazement would set in sooner or later. But she just giggled, and said, “I couldn’t possibly use all these things, no matter how long I lived. Right now I’m hungry.”

That sent the servants scurrying between the downstairs kitchen and the upstairs guest room. What a fine steward I had. He had all these splendid gifts ready the moment Tharna arrived. I also had the best cook in the world; she had prepared a sumptuous feast for my guest. Again Tharna giggled. “I can’t eat another bite. I’m full just looking at so much food.”

I waved again, this time for the servants to clear the table. Then the thought struck me that if I waved my hand again, the servants might take the jewelry away, as they had done with the food. I was still thinking when my hand rose into the air and waved, which sent everyone out, starting with the steward. Only the two maids in red who had escorted Tharna remained standing behind her.

Tharna turned to them. “You may go too.”

Now there were only the two of us in the large room. I didn’t know what to say; apparently, neither did she. The room was blindingly bright, partly from the sun, and partly from the jewelry piled in front of her.

She sighed. “Sit down.”

I sat down beside her.

She sighed again, ripping my heart to shreds. It would have killed me if she’d kept sighing like that. Luckily, she did it only twice before leaning over and falling into my arms. Then our lips met. Now it was my turn to sigh, like a traveler who has finally reached his destination after a long journey.

Although her lips were icy, the kiss loosened my tongue.

“Your lips are as cold as ice. They’ll give me frostbite.”

“You must save my mother,” she said. “You promised you would. Please send your machine gunners back to her.”

“If not for that, you wouldn’t be here, right?” I asked.

She thought a bit before nodding, with tears glistening in the corners of her eyes.

The sight of her gave rise to a dull pain in my heart. I walked out to the veranda to gaze at the distant green mountains. The sun had just risen, and the mountains were barely visible behind the silk screen of sunlight, mirroring the sadness in my heart. The sorrow of not getting what you desire is nothing compared to the pain of having what you want. The steward, who was standing beyond the door, sighed deeply when he saw the look on my face. I could tell from his eyes as he came toward me that he wanted to ask if Tharna had consented to me. “Stay where you are,” I said. “I want to enjoy the early-morning mountains alone.”

The incomparably beautiful Tharna had hurt me deeply.

I stood on the upstairs veranda gazing at the mountains.

My servants stood downstairs looking up at me.

The sun came up, driving away the screen created by the slanting light to expose the mountains. There wasn’t really anything to see now. It was quiet in the room, almost as if a pretty girl weren’t sitting in front of a pile of jewelry. I’d come out on my own, and now I had to return without being asked.

Sunlight streaming in the window shone on the jewelry, its dazzling light reflecting off of Tharna, which made her even more beautiful. Not wanting to ruin such a sight, I said, “Why don’t you have your maids put those things away.”

Her maids came in, and said, “This isn’t our place, and we don’t know where to put them.”

So I told my servants to find them two large trunks. Then, smacking my boot with my whip, I said to Tharna, “Let’s go see Chieftain Lha Shopa and rescue your mother, Chieftain Rongong.”

I kept smacking my boot, not daring to look at Tharna. When we reached the horses downstairs, Sonam Tserang said, “Young Master, you’ve chipped the polish on your boot.”

The steward rewarded him with a slap. “Young Master’s spirits are low, so what does it matter if he ruins a pair of boots? Bring him a new pair.”

The steward’s order was relayed from one mouth to another, until it reached the shoemaker, who rushed out of his workshop with a brand-new pair of boots, a fawning smile on his face. After our market opened for business, he had done quite a bit of work on the side. His boots may not have been the best-looking ones around, but they held up well. Since traders had to travel far to get here, that is exactly what they needed. The soles of his own boots, on the other hand, were so loose they flapped as he walked.

Kneeling by my horse, he removed one old boot and replaced it with a new one. Then he moved to the other side.

“Look at your feet,” I said to him. “How can a shoemaker not own a pair of good boots? Are you trying to make me lose face in front of the people who come and go around here?”

He just laughed and wiped his coarse, dark hands on his leather apron. It turned out that someone had wanted a pair of new boots in a hurry the night before, so he’d given the man his own boots, and was now wearing the ones left behind by the man.

I rapped his head with my whip and granted him the chipped pair he’d just taken off my feet.

We then rode across the river to Chieftain Lha Shopa’s tent.

He came out before I even had time to raise the tent flap. He was so fat and was layered in so many clothes that he looked as if he’d rolled out of the tent. The sight of Tharna took his breath away.

I guarantee you, that fat pig had never seen such beauty before, not even in his dreams.

Tharna, who was used to the effect she had on other people, sat on her horse and giggled. My God! After giving her such a pretty face, you had to add a lovely voice!

Chieftain Lha Shopa was flustered by her laughter. As his face reddened, he said to me, “A girl as beautiful as that would be a demon if she weren’t a fairy.”

“She’s the future chieftain of Rongong,” I said.

That took his breath away for the second time.

I poked her willowy waist with my whip handle. “Tharna,” I said, “greet Chieftain Lha Shopa.”

She was still laughing when I poked her, which caused her to choke. She belched, loudly, as if answering me: “Eh.”

Chieftain Lha Shopa whispered to me, “Tell me, is she a fairy or a demon?”

Once everyone had sat down on layers of rugs in the tent, I replied, “Neither. Tharna is my fiancée.”

Again he laughed. “You are indeed destined to be a chieftain.

The Maichi family doesn’t have a vacancy, so now the Rongong family has made one for you.”

I laughed too. “But Tharna says your people are about to take over her land. Where will I go if that happens? Will I become the Lha Shopa chieftain then?”

Now he understood. The Rongong land and subjects were like a big chunk of fatty meat, a large portion of which he’d bitten off. Now he’d have to open his mouth and spit it out. I smiled. “You’re fat enough already and shouldn’t eat any more. If you do, your gut will pop.”

He nodded as his eyes reddened. “All right, I’ll order my troops to withdraw.”

Would you look at that! Ever since opening and taking control of the market, my words suddenly carried a great deal of weight.

“Now that you have acquired my important promise,” Lha Shopa said, “let’s have a drink.”

“No, thanks,” I said. “A bowl of tea will be fine.”

While we were drinking tea, Lha Shopa said to Tharna, “Do you know who’s the biggest winner here? Not you, and not me. It’s him.”

I nearly spoke, but I had a mouthful of hot tea. And after I swallowed it, I no longer felt like saying anything.

After leaving the tent, Tharna surprised me by asking, “Is that fat pig really Chieftain Lha Shopa?”

With a hearty laugh, I smacked my horse on the rump, sending it, and me, tearing toward a small hill. Anytime I whipped my horse, it headed for high ground, which I found fascinating. I’d never seen any other horse that would gallop until it reached the highest hill in sight. Now the river, the open field, and the marketplace I’d set up spread out around me. Tharna’s horse, also a fine animal, followed mine to the top of the hill, where her laughter was carried on the gentle wind, sounding like the cooing of a spring turtledove about to lay her eggs in the bushes.

It was happy laughter.

That proved I could make the woman I loved happy.

She came up to me on horseback, laughing the whole way. The red tassel on the tip of her whip twirled in the air. I shouted at her, “Are you really the Rongong chieftain?”

She laughed loudly, and shouted back, “No, I’m not.”

As she shouted, I rose up on my horse and leaned into the path of hers. A terrifying scream tore from her mouth when I reached out and swept her off her horse. She wrapped her arms around me, her horse shot out from under her, and we hung in the air for a moment before starting to fall. I had just enough time to turn in midair and hit the ground first, followed by my beautiful Tharna. I saw her eyes and teeth glitter in midfall.

My God, how soft and spongy the summer grass was!

Our lips met as soon as we touched the ground. Now we were both in a kissing mood. With my eyes closed, I felt our lips kindle a bright, searing flame, igniting in us moans of pleasure.

After a long while, we separated and lay in the grass to gaze at white clouds in the sky.

Tharna muttered, “I didn’t love you before. But I fell in love at the sight of your back as we stormed uphill.” She kissed me again.

Lying on the hill in a refreshing breeze and gazing up at a sky roiling with clouds, I felt as if I’d fallen into an ocean whirlpool.

I told Tharna how much I loved her.

She covered my eyes with yellow petals that were silky soft, as if covered with antler down, and said, “Everyone who sees me falls in love with me.”

“But I’m just an idiot.”

“Could there really be an idiot such as you in the world? I’m afraid. You’re strange, and I’m afraid.”