THOMAS

March 10, 1899

Anxiety has overtaken me tonight. Before tonight’s performance, everything was fine—better than fine. It was as near to perfect as things could possibly be. Sure, it was another premiere of another string of shows, all of which I inevitably dread. Going up onstage to pretend to be what I am not—or rather pretend to pretend at being what I claim… Christ, it is all so confusing!

But the insurmountable glee from the start of this year has made all the ugliness with Neville and putting my magic to work for his gains…well, it has made it all seem so small. Why worry about such a man? Why fear what the people in the audience think of me? After all, I have found someone who makes me feel cared for.

Or at least, I thought I had. Now I am not so sure.

After tonight’s performance, it had been my intent to take both Sav and his sister out for a nice meal. She is in town for the week visiting her brother, and I have yet to meet her. I did manage to spot her seated beside Sav during the performance. She was physically striking, but I did not need to see her to know this. One look at Sav is all one needs to know that anyone who shares his genes possesses such beauty.

What I was really hoping for was to get to know her a bit. I would not have let on to the true nature of our relationship. That is, unless she already happened to know about Sav’s…preferences…in which case, I still may not have said anything, for fears and insecurities of my own. Tonight I was simply going to be Sav’s friend, just as he was mine when he met my parents. With any luck, I was hoping she might provide me with some hilarious stories and anecdotes from when she and Sav were young. Tidbits that might come in handy in the future.

But when I exited the stage door, Sav and Isabella were not waiting for me in the alleyway as he promised they would be. I skimmed around the building to the front, thinking maybe that they had come to hail a carriage and have it ready for us. But still there was no sign of them. I went back into the theatre to check if they had simply waited for me inside, but the lobby was cleared of people, as was the auditorium. It was so peculiar.

Now I am home, on my own, contemplating what I could have possibly done in the time since I was last with Sav.

Surely I am just overreacting… If he were cross with me, he would not have attended the performance at all. Why go to the trouble?

But then, why would he leave without a word?