Over the following days, Dan came to the conclusion that secrecy was no longer viable. It was a huge step—whose consequences he didn’t fully gauge—to bring out into the open the relationship he’d been having for some time with Marlene, but they risked hitting a wall if he did nothing.
He couldn’t imagine losing her. He couldn’t see himself going back to his old life, between solitude, multiform nightmares, bitterness, OCD up the wazoo, and the battery of molecules that kept his head above water. He was doing better since she’d been around, or at least not so bad. And every veteran he knew, without exception, would have killed for the tiniest hint of improvement in their condition, the slightest drop of light that could draw them out of the shadows in their brains.
This leap into the unknown was totally different from parachuting at three thousand feet with an oxygen mask: it was really scary. At dawn, after running for an hour, he sat down in the cool air and the silence and rested his head in his hands to think. And he continued thinking on the rowing machine, or hanging upside down from the bar attached to the doorframe.
During a quick visit to his mother, as a dry run, he mentioned—hesitantly, with many circumlocutions—a woman he’d met and whose company he’d like to keep for a while, but his poor mother was practically gaga now and didn’t understand a word he said.
Marlene had long ago realized that she shouldn’t rush him. She simply worked it so that he’d fall into her hands like a ripe fruit. She moved forward in small increments, but move forward she did, and every centimeter of terrain conquered was permanent. Sometimes she acted a bit imprudently, stole a furtive kiss between doorways or rubbed against him for an instant when the others weren’t looking. If she hadn’t been pregnant, if time weren’t of the essence, she would have enjoyed staying on that course, which was electrifying and wonderfully whimsical—especially since when the time came, they could sleep together no holds barred.
Despite everything, since Nath had gotten it into her head to marry her off, things had grown more complicated. Officially, she was on the market and couldn’t make a face whenever her sister introduced her to someone and Dan got mad every time—even though he knew the game—and preferred to split, turn off his phone, and go home.
One evening when the Toyota dealer organized a cocktail party to launch his new crossover hybrid and Nath and Marlene had gotten dressed to the nines, he bailed, making at least one of them happy.
They were parked more or less in the same spot and the same little old man was walking between the rows, hawking popcorn and fingering his white lock of hair. You can start taking out your hanky, said Dan, rubbing his hands together after pushing back his seat and reclining.
So, aren’t you going to buy me popcorn.
Sure. Of course I will. What made you say that.
She told me so.
He felt his pockets for change.
Skip it, said Mona. I was joking. So this is where you bring them.
Bring who.
Oof, I don’t know, the girls you pick up.
No, I generally go to a hotel. Why are you breaking my balls with this. Look around you at all those morons.
You think I could screw someone with twelve pairs of eyes gaping at me.
I didn’t say anything.
I know. I’m jumping ahead. What else did she tell you.
And anyway, what could she say. Ask her about the movie.
She undid three buttons of her shirt. It’s hot in here, don’t you think, she said.
He gazed at her for a second, with a slight apprehension that translated into a vague grimace as he turned his eyes back to the screen.
Laurence Olivier and Greer Garson rock, he declared.
Do me a favor and pay attention, will you.
Your green-eyed redhead is in black and white.
Use your imagination.
That might not have been the smartest thing to say.
She wiggled on her seat to pull off her striped leggings.
Sorry, but I’m dying in this heat, she protested.
It was nice out, the evening was mild, but it wasn’t as hot as all that.
How far you going to take this.
I have no idea.
What’s up. Is it because it’s spring.
What do I have to do, beg. Are you doing this on purpose or are you really so clueless. I’m all grown up. I even kiss with tongue.
He turned toward her smiling and asked if she was done. And as she leaned toward him, he gently pushed her away and asked again.
She lapsed into an enraged silence. The thought occurred that the next time he wanted to see a movie, he’d go by himself. She opened the car door and took off at a run. He didn’t try to catch her, there would be no point.
She was right not to want to rot here. There was no future for her in a backwater like this, he thought, and it made her nuts like most of the girls her age, and even the others, and even more or less everybody, if you didn’t mind generalizations. Nath and Richard had been relieved that she wanted to be a secretary but they were dreaming, they didn’t know her, she wanted to become a secretary about as much as she wanted to lop off a leg. She was chomping at the bit while waiting for better days and was ready to try anything—like throwing herself at a guy who was broken beyond repair, who was old enough to be her father and would make her even crazier.
Wallowing in his black mood, he quietly got drunk in his yard, under the moonlight, and ended up slumping onto the grass and spending the night amid the slugs and June bugs.
He didn’t hear from Mona for several days, but nothing especially worrisome there. He’d sometimes gotten the silent treatment for a week or more over a simple argument when they were on the same team and he’d flown off the handle at her lousy playing. She could be highly sensitive and it wasn’t improving with age. The episode in the car came back to him at regular intervals—with the same intensity as those flashbacks full of blood and dead bodies, except that this one was just sad and dull—and he shook his head, feeling regretful, for things would never again be the same between them.
The minor fights, the minor squabbles and sulks were no more. Clown time was over. They were hurting each other for real now.
He arrived early in the morning when it was his turn to oil the lanes. The bowling alley was closed. He switched on the lights. Compared with the usual hubbub, the reigning silence made the place seem unreal. He hesitated a moment, then rolled a few balls that echoed as if at the rear of a cave. The pins were raised, there was only emptiness at the end of the lane. But he took his time, aimed carefully, applied himself, adjusted his stance, and the ball left his hand, rumbled to the other end, and disappeared without meeting a single target. He remained seated a moment, listening to the silence. Then he put on his overalls, cleaned his hands with sanitizer, and got to work.
Meanwhile, Nath and Marlene arrived at the salon, leaving the door open to air the place out and let in the morning sun that sparkled between the lazy buildings of the shopping center.
Richard had half-awoken on hearing them leave, but he’d been playing cards until dawn and fell back asleep with a grunt while Mona smoked weed at the window of her room and vaguely searched for an excuse to skip her class on Cooperation and Productive Relationships.
The radio announced nice weather until Easter and a few degrees warmer. Dan took advantage of a break to go get two memberships to the pool. He thought of it as a beginning—and not a downward spiral, as the nervous, reptilian, maleficent part of his brain whispered, urging caution. It was still a stiff combat, a cruel dilemma that he expected to get ahead of, to win by forcing his way through it. Running out into the open was sometimes the only means to stay alive.
Nath turned to Marlene and said remind me that guy’s name, oh yeah, George, that’s right, George, so what didn’t you like about him, he’s tall, he’s not bad-looking, doesn’t seem too boring, he’s got money, he’ll probably get a nice pension. So what is it, the color of his eyes. No, I don’t know. Maybe the way he talked to me. It’s hard to say.
I see. Seems to me you’ve gotten awfully choosy.
She trimmed a terrier’s whiskers with a snip of the scissors.
Yeah, I was kind of a piece of work, answered Marlene.
But that’s all behind me now.
For me, it’s the opposite. I’ve come into my own, sexually I mean. With that guy, Vincent, you know, it just hit me. I still can’t get over it. I don’t have as much experience as you, but even so. You see what I’m driving at.
Oh, listen, that George didn’t do it for me, sorry, but I wasn’t attracted. He had that awful high-pitched voice.
And did you see how he danced. Like a hooked worm.
Richard had won a tidy sum the previous night. He was lost in thought. The offer was tempting. He didn’t know jack about Laundromats, but it seemed pretty simple.
People put coins into machines and in the evening you came by to gather up the cash. It didn’t sound too tiring and would leave him plenty of spare time. And most of all, most of all, his income would be regular, in both senses of the word, and times being what they were, in this horrible uncertainty, you couldn’t afford to be careless.
When Mona emerged from her room, her father was already gone. Good thing, too, because if she could avoid talking, so much the better. She’d heard him come in at dawn and had followed his path by ear from room to room, a kitchen chair knocked over onto the tile floor, boards creaking in the hallway, the doorknob that he turned carefully, the hiss of water in the bathroom sink, the gurgling of the drain, his return to the bedroom where the bedsprings made an irritating squeak. She herself had spent a horrible night. She boiled some water for tea because smoking made her thirsty, but basically she didn’t feel like anything.
Dan told Richard he’d go check out the launderette with him in late afternoon, but no earlier because there was a contest and Brigitte had requisitioned everyone, she wanted all hands on deck, no exceptions. He was stuck.
But on the face of it, the idea didn’t seem too bad. He took down the address and hung up. Brigitte asked what he was doing over there. He wasn’t being paid to make personal calls on the clock.
Marlene was eating lunch by herself. She’d gone outside to leave them in peace. She thought Nath was taking a huge risk, but distractions were few and far between and there was nothing worse than losing your desire and succumbing to melancholy. Still, she didn’t encourage it. She continued just to see no evil, hear no evil, and that’s as far as her role went, especially since her sister didn’t ask for more. Anything she could have said Nath already knew. But if you couldn’t resist yourself, get a grip on yourself, then who else could. Marlene knew something about this.
She looked at her watch, bit her lip, and cooled her heels on the opposite sidewalk.
Mona had waited a long time for her breasts to start growing. When the miracle had finally occurred—with exasperating slowness—she’d thought Dan would look at her differently, but nothing doing, and since the other evening she’d realized that it would never happen, and she couldn’t get over it. She didn’t even cry. She was just unable to do anything. She got dressed to go out, but remained sitting in a kitchen chair until daylight started to wane. She hated herself. No kidding, she really couldn’t stand herself.
Whatever the case, it was a pleasure to see Richard so excited, so bubbling over with enthusiasm. The machines weren’t exactly new and the place needed repainting, not to mention some serious repairs, but he already saw himself as the manager of this palace and in his hand he held a wad of cash to prove that he was ready to invest straightaway—it was a mania of his to flash his money around, and the memory of the night when they’d cleaned him out hadn’t changed a thing.
I have a good feeling about this, he said. I know the tattoo artist across the street. He says the place is always packed.
Don’t just sign, said Dan. Think it through. But basically, I can see you doing this. It should work for you.
It’s like you were dealing with slot machines.
Exactly. It’ll be my little casino.
He rested a hand on one of the fat stainless steel washing machines and stroked its rump while looking around, eyes shining.
I’m your guy for the paint job, Dan volunteered.
Great. We should go hiking for a day or two. I’ve got a few son of a bitch pounds I need to drop.
The minute she got home, Nath jumped under the shower without running into anyone in the house. She heaved a sigh of relief. She knew she wouldn’t always be so lucky, but the danger had its good side, brought an undeniable bonus. Her knees were still shaking.
She started when she saw Mona had come into the bathroom, grimacing and sniffing the air like a bloodhound.
Something stinks in here, she said, lowering her gaze toward the underwear her mother had tossed in the sink.
Looks like somebody had herself a good time.
Nath stood petrified in the shower stall.
You’re disgusting, Mona added, turning on her heels.
Nath put on a bathrobe and slowly combed her hair before the mirror. She had just suffered another vicious slap from her daughter.
If Dan had given her an open-ended ticket to travel around the world, with stopovers to die for and super-deluxe hotels, Marlene apparently wouldn’t have been happier than when he pulled the two pool memberships from his pocket and handed her one. She took him in her arms and wouldn’t let go.
And later, as she was resting her head against his shoulder after having deposited several moist kisses on his belly, she took his hand and squeezed it hard. And the next morning, she took his arm as they walked down the street to go get coffee and he didn’t balk.
Dan had seen his shrink after leaving Richard and the man had said it looks like you’ve found the right woman for you, but he hadn’t reacted. The less you told a shrink, even one who was now an old acquaintance, the better. Especially when the latter pressed on a spot where a new pain gently started to hurt, for if Marlene was indeed the right woman for him, his missing half, how could he help thinking that he could also destroy her with all the shit he dragged behind him. How could they manage with that. What kind of life could he offer her, what kind of life would he make her live, what sort of happiness could she expect. He looked at her, all smiles, still under the effect of the night they’d spent together, giving him her arm, blowing on her coffee while holding his hand across the table, and he now found her altogether lovely, and promised himself to do his best—without really knowing what that meant.
After spending the day walking through the woods, in the great outdoors, they unrolled their sleeping bags next to a small stream and set about making a fire. They were kneeling. Before, back when they were sent into the combat zone, this trek would have been a piece of cake, carrying gear that weighed a ton, but that was no longer the case; now they surrendered after twelve miles and Richard had blisters.
Darkness was falling, the night looked calm, not too chilly. Richard fried up some cutlets while Dan sliced bread and opened cans of pâté. A rabbit sat watching them for a while and they talked to it, asked after the wife and kids, how things were going in Rabbitland, if he had any pals in the area.
They were in a good mood, content to be together. It brought back some good memories—it hadn’t all been bleak—and both of them had at least one good reason to feel happy that evening. They emptied one six-pack of beer and immediately replaced it with another that they fished out of the cold stream.
They were stretched out on their sleeping bags, in socks, feet near the fire, and Richard said that Nath’s mood had improved in the last few days and he was sure it was because of his plans for the Laundromat. He was sorry he hadn’t thought of it sooner and started laughing at the idea that he’d have to buy a suit and polished shoes.
Dan nodded with a smile. It was like a wilted flower coming back to life in its pot. He’d gotten that expression from Marlene, who’d told him about the resurgence of affection between her and Nath lately. He was happy to be there with Richard. And amazingly, their reunion was the same as with the two sisters, it sprang from the same cause.
And anyway, Nath is right, Richard continued. It’ll help me refocus.
I’ll let you know when I see a house for sale near me.
With those middle-class snobs. Not on your life. When I think about that fucker of a judge, giving me three months. It’s not like I killed anyone.
When night fell, they put on insect repellent and moved closer to the fire. They could hear the babbling of the stream, sometimes a croak, the shrill cry of a night bird, the snap of a branch.
But I admit, he resumed, I admit a hint of respectability doesn’t hurt. It’s pathetic, but that’s how it is. I got sick very fast of being a delivery driver, you know that, I wasn’t cut out for it. And besides, Nath is happy, she’s been very supportive about this. I think it calms her down.
She’s right. If they keep lowering our pensions and cutting our retirement benefits, we’ll all be out sweeping the streets. With your Laundromat, at least you’ll be able to eat, people will always have dirty clothes. Mona could help you do the books for a bit of pocket change.
Best not to ask her for anything right now. It’s like talking to a tomb. I have to keep myself from giving her a smack.
Don’t pay any attention. She just needs space.
Yeah. Is that why she stays shut up in her room all day.
I know, but go easy on her.
I am going easy on her. Teens aren’t exactly my specialty. I’m not around enough. I don’t know how to talk to them. I can see how much work it’d have been, if I’d really gotten into it. A full-time job, and no guarantee of success.
It’s okay, she’s doing fine. She’s pretty and smart. I wouldn’t worry about her.
I wonder if Marlene is having a bad influence on her. I wouldn’t be surprised.
Dan, who had been staring at the sky, turned toward him.
What makes you say that.
Oh, I dunno, they see each other a lot. They spend whole afternoons together, talking. I have no idea what she’s telling her. I have no idea, but she’s still a slut.
Dan leaned up on his elbows. That’s a good one, he said.
What are you, blind, Richard went on. Marlene is a total nympho. I fucked her practically as soon as I got out.
No fuss no muss. Just saying, since we’re talking about a bad influence.
Dan lay back down with a grimace, rubbing his stomach.
What’s wrong, asked Richard.
I don’t know. Maybe something I ate.
He closed his eyes and didn’t wake until the next morning. He was covered in dew. Dawn was barely breaking.
Over them floated a strong odor of wet ash. Richard was asleep, snuggled in his bag. Dan got undressed and stepped into the stream. He rubbed himself energetically. There was mist, the light was pale and the water really cold, but he needed that at least.
He told Richard he wanted to go back, that he was either going to throw up or have the shits, he wasn’t sure which, no doubt the pâté, and they retraced their steps under a clear sky, twelve miles in the other direction; he wanted to run, but supposedly he wasn’t feeling well.
Richard talked behind him all by himself, or else he was talking to Dan who answered only sporadically and advanced amid the bushes and branches.
Night was falling when they reached the car. Richard asked how he was feeling and Dan made a sign that he felt better. Richard smiled and said that, in that case, he wouldn’t mind having a cigarette, especially at dusk, which he especially enjoyed. Dan nodded and leaned against a fender. A few stars were already glinting in the plum-colored sky.
Did you know you were yelling last night, Richard said.
I know. I forgot my pills at the house. I thought I wouldn’t need them. Anyway, I’m bushed, I’ll drop you off and go straight home. Hope I didn’t get the flu. I’m sorry.
Forget it. We got a good hike out of it. And don’t forget, we met Johnny Rabbit.