Chapter 10
My lord, his laugh!
Jane glanced at Matthew as they walked side by side toward Adam and Laura’s. A smile had once been all she wanted to draw from him again, but now his laughter had brought a new and truly beautiful challenge. Its open and honest sound had rippled over her body and accelerated every feeling for him she’d fought against so hard. She should be agonized, yet nothing but pure joy sped her heart.
His laughter shook his entire body, his eyes bright and watery with tears of mirth. And it was her words that gave him such amusement!
More than that, he’d asked her to accompany him to the theater. The look in his eyes when he extended the invitation could not be misinterpreted. The sign she’d waited so long for . . . the acknowledgment that more than business and the village’s affairs lay between them . . . had been given in the tenderness of his gaze.
She straightened her shoulders.
She could not forget her future intentions. She refused to go backward.
He had the village at the forefront of his mind now, which was where it needed to be. A wife, when she came, would be fully aware of what being married to Matthew Cleaves meant. Once upon a time, she would have given anything to be that woman, not anymore.
Yet, determination to be more and do more battled with her love for a man who had shown too little affection for her, far too late. Their lives over the years had changed them. Elizabeth’s betrayal had stripped Matthew of his previous ease and stability, turning him wary and cold. For Jane, caring for her mentally ill mother had tainted her willingness to care for adults who took every ounce of her strength for little return. That didn’t make her or Matthew monsters; it just made them different people than they once were. They both now sought different things.
Their agendas had grown apart. Their wants fervently changed and altered, which made her certain they no longer belonged together.
That didn’t mean she couldn’t accept his help, or he hers, if it meant they could find a way to be individually happy.
Matthew cleared his throat. “It will be nice to see the Laceys again. The last time I saw them was at Marksville when Monica and Thomas invited me to little Thomas’s christening.”
Jane dragged her focus back to the present and forced a smile. “Well, that was a quite a long time ago. Monica and Thomas are now expecting another baby in the summer. Laura and Adam have two girls, Margaret and Sarah.”
He arched an eyebrow. “It seems you and I are falling behind as far as procreation is concerned.”
Heat pinched at her cheeks as her stomach flipped over. “We are.”
The mention of “you and I” came very close to “us” although she was certain Matthew was not implying something as absurd as them having children together. To have children of her own one day. She exhaled. The dream was still there. It was just a case of learning to imagine them with a father other than Matthew.
She pushed away her fruitless thoughts and forced happiness into her voice. “Adam and Laura are giving their children what every child should have. Love and laughter. That is why I will do all I can to make myself a part of that boardinghouse.” She glanced at him. “I want to make those children laugh more than anything.”
He winked. “You will.”
Instantaneous attraction flowed through her blood at his almost flirtatious confidence, even as self-doubt unfurled in her stomach. “How can you be so sure?”
“How can you not? I have never known you to give up on anything. Not your sister, not your mother, not even the entirety of Biddestone.” His gaze bored into hers. “I honestly believe if that boardinghouse is important to you, you will be running it yourself one day.”
Pride swelled her heart and she smiled. “Thank you for believing in me, Matthew. It means the world to me. Truly.”
His gaze lingered on hers. “You’re more than welcome.”
Jane stared ahead as a rush of heat lit her body from head to toe. A wholly different aura emanated from Matthew today. He seemed buoyed with enthusiasm and kindness as he had before Elizabeth left, yet now, those virtues were stronger, more masculine than ever before.
Aware of his proximity, Jane’s intellect battled with her heart as the urge to reach out for him swept through her. For him not to be married and her not to be so resolute about a new life for just one glorious moment . . .
She would ease his jacket and shirt from his body so she could touch his warm skin. Her nipples tightened beneath the constraints of her stays and her center pulled . . .
“Are Adam and Laura expecting you?”
She started at the sound of his voice and coughed in an effort to cool the heat at her cheeks. “Yes. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Laura has sent Adam out looking for me. I promised I would come straight to see them after my visit to the boardinghouse, but nothing could have delayed my visiting the Board of Guardians.” She shook her head, her body slowly regaining its equilibrium. “Nothing.”
“I intended to return to Biddestone tomorrow, but I will stay longer to see what I can do to help you.”
She turned, guilt twisting her stomach. “But I don’t want you to hold up the running of things in the village. No one there will thank me for that.”
“They’ll survive another few days without me, I’m sure. Right now, you are my most urgent business. If that is all right with you, of course.”
Jane hesitated before surrendering to the inevitable and tentatively slipped her hand into his elbow. “Thank you.”
He nodded and turned away.
Jane held Matthew’s arm as they continued across town until they reached Adam and Laura’s house. Once there, she slid her hand from Matthew’s arm and reached for the knocker. Before she had a chance to lift it, the door swung open and Laura stood before them, little Margaret balanced on her hip, holding a doll upside down by its porcelain leg.
“Thank goodness you’re here.” Laura smiled. “I had a horrible feeling you’d forgotten us and I’d have to wait until tomorrow to find out how you fared at the boardinghouse.” Her gaze shot over Jane’s head to Matthew. “Squire Cleaves! What a lovely surprise. Come in, come in.”
Laura stepped back and Jane entered the house, with Matthew following on behind. Once they’d removed their coats and hats, they followed Laura into a pleasant drawing room, decorated in delicate peaches and creams and what felt like acres of green foliage dotted in every available cranny as well as filling the huge fireplace.
It seemed Laura’s hankering to raise her children in the country had come alive in her living space. Jane glanced around the room. “Where’s Adam? I thought he would be here.”
“I am.”
She turned as Adam entered the room and strode straight toward her and Matthew.
He kissed Jane’s cheek before offering his hand to Matthew. “Squire, what a pleasure to see you again.”
Matthew nodded. “You too. I hope you don’t mind me coming along uninvited? I bumped into Jane on the Square and she told me all about her visits today.”
Laura sat on the settee. “Then please take a seat, all of you, so Jane can tell me. I am about fit to bursting to know what happened.”
The maid was summoned and tea ordered and once they were all seated, Jane smoothed her skirts and retold everything that had happened that day. “And now Matthew has kindly offered to accompany me to the Board of Guardians tomorrow.”
Laura smiled. “Well, then, with a squire on your side, how can they possibly refuse your involvement? I am so pleased for you.”
“To work in a boardinghouse would not have occurred to me if it wasn’t for you. I just know I can do some good work there, despite Mrs. Cage undoubtedly being a problem for a while.”
Laura sniffed. “She’ll be no problem. You’ll soon set her straight.”
Jane silently prayed for a little of Laura’s confidence in her abilities. A possible confrontation with Mrs. Cage was far down on her list of wishes.
Matthew cleared his throat. “Adam, I wonder if you would mind Jane and me attending this play of yours tonight?”
“Mind? I’d be delighted. In fact, why don’t I leave orders at the ticket desk for you to enjoy your very own box?”
Jane’s eyes widened. “A box? But we couldn’t possibly ask—”
“You didn’t. I offered.” Adam smiled. “You will be my very special guests. I will even ensure a bottle of champagne. How would that be?”
Jane looked at Matthew and he smiled. “That would be marvelous.”
Jane slowly exhaled her held breath in order to slow her racing heart. Champagne and a box would also be incurably romantic and hideously suggestive of an affair to whoever might see them. She forced a smile as the others continued a conversation about the play.
She stole a glance at Matthew as he listened to Adam. She had loved Matthew for so long and so deeply, her fight to dissolve that love was hard. Too hard. His increasingly affectionate looks, his smile, even his bursts of laughter indicated his feelings for her might indeed run deeper than friendship. As wrong as it might be, the possibility excited her.
He turned and winked at her, a soft smile playing on his beautiful mouth.
Jane’s stomach knotted.
How was she to get over him to ensure the safety of her heart and the need to make her own life? What if he did have feelings for her and suggested adultery? He would hardly be the first landed gent to conduct an affair.
Sickness and trepidation formed a hard lump in her chest. Whatever she might once have wanted to happen between her and Matthew, he was married now. Who knew when that would change?
If he was ever to be hers, she wanted him entirely. Elizabeth might have left Biddestone, but who knew if she would someday return? What if she and Matthew decided to give their marriage of convenience another attempt at success?
Jane looked to her clenched hands.
The heartbreak she’d endured when he announced his engagement struck her heart anew. She could not expose herself to the risk of feeling such despair ever again. Coming to the city proved her deep wish to move on. Only if Matthew divorced would she allow anything close to courtship occur between them.
If, of course, that was even what Matthew wanted.
Matthew entered the foyer of Francis Private Hotel and approached the front desk, his spirits filled with the anticipation of accompanying Jane to the theater. His smile refused to fully dissipate. He had been foolish fighting his attraction to her.
He inhaled.
Or maybe he had needed to accept the disgrace of a failed marriage, and the mistakes he’d made in his and Elizabeth’s relationship, in order to recognize what strong feelings he’d had for Jane all along.
Memories of their times together as adolescents and adults raced through his mind. As did the awareness it was whenever he was with her that he was happiest.
His smile faltered.
He had been guilty of neglecting the villagers since Elizabeth left, but from now on he would throw his body and soul into putting that right. He couldn’t deny Jane leaving Biddestone had pushed something akin to panic through him, but was that necessarily something to be ashamed of? As soon as he left Marksville after her farewell dinner, he’d rushed home and booked a room at the Francis.
Did that not mean he felt compelled to explore what he’d always silently felt for her, no matter what might evolve?
He clenched his jaw as he glanced unseeingly around the bustling foyer. He’d spent his life in much the same way as the people around him seemed to be. Blindly. Heedlessly. He hadn’t looked at Jane with his eyes wide open as he did now. Instead, he’d lived his life thinking only of his father’s parting demands and what he must do to uphold them.
From now on, that mentality would change. The village would prosper and so would he.
Matthew reached the desk, placed his hat on the counter, and waited for one of the three gentlemen behind the desk to attend him. They rushed back and forth, spewing directions and taking orders from the guests, all the while tipping nods of acknowledgment toward him.
He had so much to look forward to and embrace.
He would not forget his responsibilities, but neither would he go through loveless after loveless relationship in order to seal his family’s legacy. Personal happiness had to come into the equation at some point, and he intended on laying the first stones toward his happiness sooner rather than later.
The eldest of suited clerks behind the desk came to an abrupt, stiff-backed stop in front of Matthew and peered over his half-rimmed glasses. “Good evening, sir. How may I help you?”
“Good evening. I’d like to reserve a hackney carriage for later this evening.”
“Indeed, sir. You would not like your own carriage drawn?”
“No. I am taking a friend to the theater and a hackney will suffice.”
“Very good. Just the two of you?”
“Yes.”
“Excellent. What time would this be for, sir?”
“Six thirty.”
“Consider it arranged.” The man scribbled on a sheet of paper and passed it to a young lad standing beside him, before facing Matthew once more. “Anything else I can do for you?”
“Yes. I wish to send some correspondence. Is there writing paper etcetera in the rooms? Or do I get it here?”
“Room number, sir?”
“One forty-two.”
“I will have some paper and ink sent to your room immediately.”
Matthew nodded. “Excellent. Thank you.”
Walking across the lobby, Matthew made his way to his room. He let himself inside and quickly discarded his jacket before snapping open the cuffs of his shirt and loosening his collar.
He walked to the window and stared across the park toward Gay Street. Everything inside him wanted to help Jane with her desired work at the boardinghouse, equally as much as he wanted to help the Biddestone villagers. He had forged some financially sound contracts for the blacksmith and several of the villager carpenters, as well some positive deals on grain. He was eager to pass on the good news to the men concerned and allay their worries a little.
As for the personal business he wanted to attend to, that would mean writing home to his butler. He would instruct Flanders to do all he could to track down Elizabeth. Matthew clenched his jaw as his regret over the failure of his marriage turned to anger toward Elizabeth’s infidelity. No. What was done was done. He had spent too long existing under a black cloud of doom and taking his frustrations out on the wrong people. Jane had been right to test him; she’d been right to challenge and shame him.
It was time he and Elizabeth spoke properly and discussed what was to happen between them going forward. He had commitments toward the village he would not break, but as far as he and Elizabeth were concerned, the sooner they set the wheels for a divorce in motion, the better.
Matthew turned from the window. His innate sense of loyalty to everyone and everything had been irrevocably tested through Elizabeth’s betrayal, but he refused to continue bowing and bending under the weight of the inability to improve feelings between them. He had tried again and again, any way he knew how, to make Elizabeth happy, but his efforts had been rebuffed at every turn. He could no longer stand in limbo, not when such raw and passionate feelings for Jane raged in his blood.
He paced the room, impatient to write his letters.
His pride, rather than his heart, had been hurt. He acknowledged that with shame now.
His father’s parting demands were that Matthew marry a woman of the “highest birth possible” to not only ensure the Cleaves family line but to elevate it too. Those words had haunted Matthew’s every romantic intention.
A knock sounded at the door.
He strode across the room and pulled it open.
“Your writing implements, sir.”
“Thank you.” Matthew took the box and bottle of ink before tipping the young lad and closing the door.
He carried everything to a small writing desk at the edge of the room and sat. He dipped the pen into the ink, took a deep breath, and wrote the first words of undoubtedly many before he truly discovered the next step in his destiny.
Dear Flanders,
I wish to contact the squiress with the utmost urgency. Please do what you can to establish where she is staying. I am certain you understand the delicacy of the situation, and I would prefer the least number of people possible to learn I am endeavoring to contact her.
Unfortunately, there is little doubt in my mind that she is holed up somewhere with Charles Jefferson. I do not want that man stepping foot near my home or land. If you manage to track Elizabeth, tell her to write to me with a preferred date and location where we can meet. It is long overdue that I put matters in order as far as my marriage, and more, are concerned.
I have every intention of returning home by the end of the week. If there are any changes to such, I will dispatch a messenger forthwith.
Squire Cleaves
Matthew folded the paper into the supplied envelope and sealed it before pulling a second piece of paper toward him.
By the time he had written letters to each of the four men in Biddestone who would be kept in ample work for the next nine months at least, the clock above the room’s mantel had struck six. Pushing to his feet, he stared at the envelopes on the desk as satisfaction rippled through him. At long last, he was regaining control. At long last, the clouds had begun to clear . . . and for this evening, at least, the brightest ray of sunshine would be alongside him at the great Theater Royal.
He strode into the bathroom, relishing the sense of purpose settling over him.
Having washed, shaved, and changed into a fresh set of clothes, Matthew picked up his letters and headed downstairs into the hotel lobby. Once again, he approached the bespectacled gent behind the desk.
He cleared his throat and the man looked up.
“Ah, Squire Cleaves. Your carriage is waiting out at the front, sir.”
“Thank you. I would like these letters mailed first thing in the morning.” He passed his written correspondence across the desk. “They are personal and to be kept so.”
“Absolutely. Leave them with me, sir.”
“Thank you.” Matthew turned and walked through the lobby to the glass doors at the front of the hotel.
Walking out into the fresh evening air, he forced the tension of what would happen next with Elizabeth from his thoughts. For tonight, everything would be about orchestrating an enjoyable evening for Jane. He couldn’t rid her look of desperate sadness, and her need to help the children at the boardinghouse, from his mind. He would do all he could to alleviate the anguish he saw time and again in her eyes.
Upon sight of the waiting hackney carriage, he hurried down the steps, only to draw to an abrupt halt when Adam Lacey appeared at his side.
“Adam? What are you doing here?”
“I need to speak to you away from Laura and Jane.”
Matthew frowned. “What is it? Is everything all right?”
“I hope so.”
Foreboding twisted a knot in Matthew’s stomach. “Meaning?”
“I want to know what your intentions are as far as Jane is concerned. The girl hasn’t our experience, Matthew. You must tread carefully.”
“Tread . . . what on earth are you implying? Jane is my friend; I would never do anything to hurt or embarrass her.”
“Your friend?” Adam lifted an eyebrow. “It wasn’t friendship I saw in your eyes when you were looking at her at the house earlier. Worse, it wasn’t what Laura witnessed either. If you have feelings for Jane, why have they suddenly appeared now? You have been around Jane more than half your life, yet you married another. Why look at her with such fondness when you are no longer free to marry? I fear . . .” Adam’s gaze hardened. “I fear you are ricocheting from your wife’s infidelity toward something that is a very bad idea.”
“If you really felt that way, why would you suggest a box and champagne for us this evening?” Matthew glared, even as guilt edged into his conscience. “I care for Jane. I always have. Whatever happens between us is our business, no one else’s.”
“And I couldn’t have agreed more until Laura reminded me of the struggles she and I faced during our courtship. What if something evolves between you and Jane that results in disgracing her? Would that be all right with you?”
Matthew’s blood boiled with anger and insult. “Her reputation will not be marred by me. I can promise you that.”
Their gazes locked before Adam stepped back and gave a semi-bow. “Then you have understood what I came here to say. I look forward to seeing you at the theater later.”
He turned and walked along the street. Matthew stared after him, anger mixing with fear that he might unwittingly do wrong by Jane. What Adam had suggested couldn’t be entirely denied. Matthew clenched his jaw. He had no right to think of Jane in a romantic way. No right at all. She was good, honest, and caring. His recent bad temperament and negativity risked tainting her goodness in ugliness, and he could not allow that to happen. He would endure to return to the man Jane knew so well. A man who was happy, who was willing to work on the villagers’ behalf, and who wholly believed in their future.
Lifting his chin, he met the bored expression of the driver sitting above him on the hackney’s seat. “The Circus, please.”
“Right you are, sir.”
Matthew grasped the handle of the carriage and heaved himself inside, slamming the door firmly closed. He sat and the carriage jolted away from the hotel. He leaned against the seat and curled his hands into fists on his thighs. Damn it to hell that he had chosen Elizabeth to marry when Jane had been there for his possible courting all along. She came from a respected family . . . albeit Monica’s disappearance years ago had meant a shadow inevitably hovered over Jane too.
A shadow Matthew had known his father was only too aware of during their dinner discussions.
Matthew inwardly cursed. Damn it to hell that he held so much ingrained loyalty to his lineage . . .
Would his life ever really be his own to do with as he pleased?
He stared through the window as the carriage neared Jane’s house. For the time being, he would concentrate on helping Jane at the Board of Guardians tomorrow, then return to Biddestone with Jane none the wiser to his feelings. Everything would be all right. So far he had done nothing untoward, and he intended things to remain that way. He would speak with Elizabeth and tell her their marriage was over.
After that, who knew what would happen between himself and Jane once they were free to explore what lingered like a smoldering fire between them?