Doctor, Doctor Jokes

Some Stupid Ones

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards.

I’ll deal with you later!

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a spoon.

Then sit still and don’t stir!

Doctor, Doctor! Whenever I talk, people ignore me.

Next Please!

Doctor, Doctor! I’ve got terrible wind. Is there anything you can give me?

Yes - have my kite!

Doctor, Doctor! I keep snoring so loudly I wake myself up.

Sleep in another room then!

Doctor, Doctor! My brother thinks he’s a lift.

Why didn’t he come in?

He doesn’t stop at this floor!

Doctor, Doctor! I keep seeing double.

Sit down on the couch please.

Which one?

Doctor, Doctor! I’m getting shorter and shorter.

You must be a little patient!

Doctor, Doctor! I’m addicted to brake fluid.

I’m sure you can stop anytime!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I need glasses.

You certainly do - this is a newsagents!

Some General Ones

Doctor, Doctor! I keep comparing things to something else.

Don’t worry, it’s only analogy.

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a bridge.

What’s come over you?

So far three cars, a motorbike and a lorry!

Doctor, Doctor! My friend thinks he’s a parachute.

Tell him to drop in and see me!

Doctor, Doctor! I’m allergic to the high jump.

You’ll soon get over it!

Doctor, Doctor! I’m out of breath.

You must have flu.

No, I definitely walked here!

Doctor, Doctor! I have a splitting headache.

I’ll need to axe you a few questions!

Doctor, Doctor! Sorry I’m late, I broke my ankle.

That’s a lame excuse!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a Shakespearian actor.

It’s just a stage you’re going through!

Doctor, Doctor! My wife thinks she’s a traffic warden.

Tell her I’ll meter later!

Doctor, Doctor! I’m allergic to perfume.

I’ll have you scent to a specialist!

Some Classic Ones

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like I’m a pair of curtains.

Pull yourself together man!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a garbage can.

Don’t talk rubbish!

Doctor, Doctor! I’ve only got 59 seconds to live.

Wait a minute, please!

Doctor, Doctor! It hurts wherever I touch myself.

That’s because you have a broken finger!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m two different people.

One at a time please!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a yo-yo.

Don’t string me along!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a vampire.

Necks, please!

Doctor, Doctor! I’ve got acute appendicitis.

You’ve got a cute face too!

Doctor, Doctor! All I can see is blue and yellow spots.

Have you seen a shrink?

No, just the spots!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a cricket bat.

How’s that?

Some Great Advice

Doctor, Doctor! I’ve just swallowed my pen.

Use a pencil!

Doctor, Doctor! Whenever I drink a cup of coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my eye.

Take the spoon out!

Doctor, Doctor! Can I get a second opinion?

Of course, come back tomorrow.

Doctor, Doctor! Please help me out.

Certainly. Which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like I’m boiling.

Simmer down, please!

Doctor, Doctor! This is the second time I’ve broken my leg in the same place.

Then I wouldn’t go back there again!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m turning invisible.

Yes, I can see you’re not all there!

Doctor, Doctor! I’m totally invisible.

I’m afraid I can’t see you now!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I have amnesia.

I’d just go home and forget about it!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m Tom Jones.

It’s not unusual!

Some Animal Ones

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a moth.

Why come and see me?

Well, there was a light on and I couldn’t help it...

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a spider.

That’s just a web of lies!

Doctor, Doctor! I feel shy because I think I’m a snail.

Well we’ll soon get you out of your shell!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a caterpillar.

I’m sure that one day you’ll change!

Doctor, Doctor! I smell of fish.

Oh you poor sole!

Doctor, Doctor! I keep seeing a spinning insect.

Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going around.

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a dog.

Sit!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m an electric eel.

That’s shocking!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a pony.

No, you’re just a little hoarse!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a goat.

How long have you been like this?

Since I was a kid!

Some With Medicine

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a bell.

Take these twice a day and if it doesn’t help, give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor! Do you have anything for a bad headache?

Hit yourself with this hammer - that should do the trick!

Doctor, Doctor! Can you cure my measles?

I’m sorry, I never make rash promises.

Doctor, Doctor! I keep stealing things.

Have you taken anything for it?

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a needle.

I can see your point!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a racehorse.

Take one of these every four laps!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m Mozart.

I’ll be with you in a minuet!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m Moses.

I have some tablets for you!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m an elevator.

You must be going down with something!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a dollar bill.

Take these pills and see if there’s any change in the morning!

Some More General Ones

Doctor, Doctor! I’m worried about my insomnia.

I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a small bucket.

Yes, you are a little pail!

Doctor, Doctor! I can’t stop playing Scrabble.

My word!

Doctor, Doctor! I can’t finish my crosswords. What is wrong with me?

I haven’t got a clue!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a camera.

I’ll be with you in a flash!

Doctor, Doctor! I keep giving away money.

I’ll need to take a few notes!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m window and it hurts.

Show me where the pane is!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m an accountant.

You’ve obviously ledger self go!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a race car.

You’re probably going round the bend!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a tennis racket.

You’re probably highly strung!

Some More With Animals

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a beaver.

Well it was nice gnawing you!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m an owl.

Don’t be such a twit!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a duck.

I’m not a quack, you know!

Doctor, Doctor! I keep getting bitten by a squirrel.

You must be nuts!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a cow.

Pull the udder one!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a bee.

You again? Buzz off!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a snake.

I hope you’re not rattled!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a sheep.

That sounds baaaaaaaad!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m an elephant!

Try these trunkquilizers!

Doctor, Doctor! I keeping thinking I’m in Watership Down.

Stop rabbiting on!

Some With Food

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like an apple.

I’m sure we can get to the core of this!

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like cheese biscuits.

You’re crackers!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a carrot.

Don’t get yourself in a stew!

Doctor, Doctor! I can’t stop eating Chicken Tikka.

Don’t try to curry favour like that!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a raspberry.

Well you’re in a jam!

Doctor, Doctor! I’ve just eaten twenty pancakes.

How waffle!

Doctor, Doctor! I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear.

I think I’ve got some cream for that!

Doctor, Doctor! I have sponge, cream and jelly in my ear.

You must be a trifle deaf!

Doctor, Doctor! I’ve just eaten a quilt!

I can see you’re down in the mouth!

Doctor, Doctor! I’m allergic to liquorice.

Well, it takes allsorts!

Some of the Best Ones

Doctor, Doctor! I can’t stop lying.

I find that very hard to believe!

Doctor, Doctor! I just swallowed a bone.

Are you choking?

No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor! I’m suffering from Déjà vu.

Didn’t I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor! I’ve swallowed a roll of film.

Let’s hope nothing develops!

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a couple of wig-wams.

I think you’re too tense!

Doctor, Doctor! I keep losing my memory.

When did this happen?

When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a drill.

That must be boring!

Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m a comedian.

You must be joking!

Doctor, Doctor! I keep dropping the ball.

I wouldn’t worry, it’s not catching!

Doctor, Doctor! My feet smell and my nose is running.

I think you were born upside down!