Lightbulb Jokes
General Jokes - Part 1
How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
That depends on what you want it changed into!
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hey! You wanna go ride bikes?
How many Vulcans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Any more would be illogical!
How many Nitpicks does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just let someone else change it then point out all the mistakes the bulb-changer made!
How many Windows Vista installations does it take to change a lightbulb?
DRIVER_IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL
How many Greenpeace members does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
How many misers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, it’s cheaper to sit in the dark!
How many Navy SEALS does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change it and three to shout GO! GO! GO!
How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It’s a waste of time because the new bulb probably won’t work either.
How many optimists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’re convinced that the power will come back on soon.
Jobs - Part 1
How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?
What sort of answer did you have in mind?
How many censors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to **** the **** whilst the other two **** because ***!
How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to actually change it whilst the other four tell you how big the one they nearly changed was!
How many road repairers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to screw the new one in whilst the other nine lean around on their shovels.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight. One to install the new bulb, and seven to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years!
How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change it and two to hold the ladder.
How many cover blurb writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A vast and teeming horde, stretching from sea to shining sea...
How many auto mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he’ll have to replace the whole socket and that’s expensive...
How many carpenters does it take to change a lightbulb?
No chance mate, that’s the electrician’s job!
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really want to change.
General Jokes - Part 2
How many autocorrected text messages does it take to change a lightbulb?
Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to write down its serial number.
How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They prefer everything black anyway.
How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they have someone to come in and do that.
How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hundreds - Confucius say many hands make light work!
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?
You don’t Know! You weren’t there, man!
How many mutants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two thirds!
How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn’t matter, we’re all gonna die anyway.
How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but she’ll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
How many up-tight Victorian gentlemen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ahem. We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.
Politics, Religion and Philosophy
How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
How many social scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They do not change light bulbs - they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It’s no use trying to change it, it’s got to be SMASHED!
How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Zen masters carry their own light.
How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, but they’re really all the same being.
How many Taoists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. You cannot change a lightbulb. It is what it is.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
They won’t actually try to change the bulb. They’ll simply stop using the room that has the burned out bulb, and start using only rooms with functioning bulbs. Over the course of millions of years...
How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two; one to screw it in, and one to observe how the bulb itself represents a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
General Jokes - Part 3
How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. It’s all relative!
How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change?
How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They put the bulb in and lets the world revolve around them!
How many Spanish men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
How many Real Men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. ‘Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark.
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, and two more to argue what the light bulb represents.
How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three!
Jobs - Part 2
How many secret agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for bugging devices.
How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?
Again, how many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and the other to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting “Objection!”
How many software technicians does it take to change in a lightbulb?
None. That’s a hardware problem.
How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, the other to write a song about how good the old one was.
How many fashion designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change it and the other nine to tell him how Fabulous it is.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, two, and a-one two three four...
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But he has to do it while you’re having dinner.
General Jokes - Part 4
How many amoebae does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. No, two. No, four. No, eight...
How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.
How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.
How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks for a new one.
How many seabirds does it take to change a lightbulb?
About four or five terns ought to do the trick.
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Are you kidding? They won’t even change a five dollar bill!
How many Bob Dylan fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.
How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
We’ll never know, they took an oath not to reveal it.
How many public opinion researchers does it take to change a lightbulb?
With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, it turns itself in.
Jobs - Part 3
How many bitter actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A hundred. One to change the bulb and ninety-nine to say “I could have done that.”
How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the next appointment is in two months’ time.
How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’ll have to refer you to a specialist.
How many civil servants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thirty. One to change the bulb, and twenty-nine to do the paperwork.
How many Massage Therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but they have to have candles and soft music to do it.
How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there saying “To the left, and to the left, and to the right, and to the right, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in...”
How many waiters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, even a burned out bulb can’t catch a waiter’s eye.
How many talk show hosts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many archaeologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why change it? The broken bulb is a national treasure demonstrating our rich history and culture.
General Jokes - Part 5
How many procrastinators does it take to change a lightbulb?
One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in explicit gory detail, using obscure camera angles.
How many missionaries does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, and thirty natives to see the light.
How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a lightbulb?
A hundred. One to change it and the other ninety-nine to say, “I told you so!”
How many senior citizens does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but she pays a telemarketer $1000 for the new bulb.
How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a like change?
Eno.
How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change a what?
How many knock-knock jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who’s there?
How many Les Miserables characters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, because she’s On Her Own.
The Best Ones
How many thought police does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. There was never a lightbulb there in the first place, OK?
How many cold War Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?
I can’t tell you, that’s still classified information!
How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the whole collective would be aware of it.
How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end!
How many voyeurs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it!
How many disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say “Get dowwwwwn!”
How many people with OCD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just the one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.
How many customer support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
We have received your query concerning your technical lighting issue and have assigned you request number 45884AXT-67. Please use this reference for any future contact regarding the light bulb issue.
One!
How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Flags. One to gargle the giraffe and bacon to bacon my gaffer tape at Tuesday concierge.