Spooky Jokes
General Jokes - Part 1
What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub?
The landlord said “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”
What happens to a ghost when he gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite!
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer!
Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
Because there are so many plots there!
What’s the best way to talk to a monster?
From a long way away!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers!
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What room can’t a ghost go in?
The Living Room!
Ghosts
Which trees do ghosts like best?
Ceme-trees!
Who writes ghostly jokes?
Crypt writers!
What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end!
What do you call a ghost’s mother and father?
Transparents!
What do young ghosts write their homework in?
Exorcise books!
Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?
Because you can see right through them!
Where do ghosts go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!
What did the ghost teacher say to her class?
Watch the board and I’ll go through it again!
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres?
Surgical spirits!
This woman wanted to marry a ghost. I don’t know what possessed her!
Witches
Why do witches only ride their brooms after dark?
That’s the time to go to sweep!
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?
A witch with a drum kit!
What goes cackle, cackle, bonk?
A witch laughing her head off!
What happens if you see twin witches?
You won’t be able to tell which witch is which!
Why won’t a witch wear a flat cap?
Because there is no point in it!
What kind of tests do they give in witch school?
Hex-aminations!
What happened to the witch who lost her temper when riding her broom?
She flew off the handle!
What do you call a witch with one leg?
Eileen!
Have you heard about the good weather witch?
She’s forecasting sunny spells!
Why is a witch like a candle?
They are both wicked!
General Jokes - Part 2
Do monsters like to eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they prefer to eat fingers separately!
Why did Dracula go to the library?
He wanted a good book to sink his teeth into!
How do you work a mummy’s doorbell?
Just Toot and come in!
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray!
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it’s neck and neck!
Why did the skeleton go scuba diving?
Because he wanted to get some muscles!
What does a panda ghost eat?
Bam-BOO!
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
It raises their spirits!
Why is there always a fence around a cemetery?
Because people are just dying to get in!
Vampires
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank!
Why are vampires so easy to fool?
Because they’re suckers!
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
What do vampires enjoy most about baseball?
The bats!
What is a vampires favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!
What is a vampire’s favorite circus act?
Well, he always goes for the juggler!
Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
Because he’s a pain in the neck!
Why are all male vampires related to each other?
They are all blood brothers!
How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyelashes!
What do you do if you want to learn more about Dracula?
You join his fang club!
Skeletons
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!
What do you call a skeleton who won’t get up in the mornings?
Lazy bones!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin!
Why couldn’t the skeleton sing in front of his friends?
He just didn’t have the guts!
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart !
Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones!
What is a Skeleton’s favorite song?
Bad to the Bone
Why don’t skeletons play music in church?
They have no organs!
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!
What do skeletons say before they eat?
Bone Appetite!
General Jokes - Part 3
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams!
Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building!
What’s a monster’s favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
What happened to the guy who didn’t pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed!
Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
Because he likes to draw blood!
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!
What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors all get stage fright!
Why did the monster eat a fluorescent bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack!
What did the skeleton order with his drink?
A mop!
What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
Spelling!
Mummies
How do mummies begin their letters?
“Tomb it may concern”!
Why don’t mummies take vacations?
They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind!
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What is a Mummy’s favorite type of music?
Wrap!
Why was the mummy so tense?
Because he was all wound up!
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape!
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They’re good at keeping things under wraps!
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies!
What did the mummy say to the detective?
Let’s wrap this case up!
Why don’t mummies have hobbies?
Because they’re too wrapped up in their work!
Animals
When is it really unlucky to see a black cat?
When you’re a mouse!
What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist !
What kind of pets do ghosts have?
Scaredy Cats!
What do you call two spiders that just got married?
Newlywebs!
Why don’t bats live alone?
They like to hang out with their friends!
What do you call dead cows that come back to life?
Zombeef!
What is Dracula’s favorite kind of dog?
A blood hound!
What did the werewolf eat after he’d had his teeth cleaned?
The dentist!
What’s big and green and goes “Oink, Oink?”
Frankenswine!
What did the duck say after he heard a scary joke?
Nothing, he just quacked up!
The Best Jokes
Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
His heart wasn’t in it!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A nectarine!
Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
Why didn’t the zombie go to school?
He felt rotten!
Who won the zombie war?
Nobody, it was dead even!
What song do vampires hate?
“You are my sunshine”!
I have 28 legs, 7 arms and 3 heads, what am I?
A liar!
Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It’s hard to pin anything on them!
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!
Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!