Animal Jokes
Insects
Why do bees hum?
Because they don’t know the words!
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk!
What did one flea say to the other flea?
Shall we walk or take the dog!
What is the difference between a flea and a wolf ?
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
Why did the fly never land on the computer?
He was afraid of the world wide web!
Who comes to a picnic but is never invited?
Ants!
Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied her!
How do fleas travel from place to place?
By itch-hiking!
What do you call a brainy insect?
A spelling bee!
What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?
A centipede on its back!
Birds
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk!
Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
To a crow bar!
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels!
What does a duck have with its cheese?
Quackers!
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A bird who hogs the conversation!
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside!
Who tells the best chicken jokes?
Comedi-hens!
When is the best time to buy budgies?
When they’re going cheap!
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie talkie!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in an oven and wait until its Bill Withers!
Trunktastic
What goes up slowly and comes down quickly?
An elephant in an elevator!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Holes all over Australia!
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel!
What do you get if you cross a fish with an elephant?
Swimming trunks!
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
What do you give an elephant that’s going to be sick?
Plenty of space!
Why do elephants never forget?
Because nobody ever tells them anything!
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence!
What is an elephant’s favourite sport?
Squash!
How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back!
At the Seaside
Why was the crab arrested?
Because he kept pinching things!
Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?
Billy the Squid!
Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales!
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
To the prawn broker!
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!
How do oysters call their friends?
On their shell phones!
Why are dolphins smarter than humans?
Because they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!
What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!
Cats and Dogs
What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool
She had mittens!
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull!
What happens when a cat eats a lemon?
It becomes a sour puss!
Why does everyone love cats?
Because they’re purr-fect!
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you’re a mouse!
What does a kitten become after it’s three days old?
Four days old!
What could happen if it rained cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle!
What kind of dog tells the time?
A watch dog!
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
Ruff!
When does a dog go “moo”?
When it is learning a new language!
Unusual Animals
How do porcupines kiss each other?
Very carefully!
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!
What’s small and cuddly and bright purple?
A koala holding his breath!
What do call a bear with no ears?
B!
What’s the difference between an injured lion and a wet day?
One pours with rain, the other roars with pain!
Which animal is out of bounds?
A tired kangaroo!
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey!
How many skunks does it take to stink up a house?
A phew!
What is a crocodile’s favourite game?
Snap!
Dinosaurs
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn’t been invented back then!
What was the scariest dinosaur?
The Terror-dactyl!
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen?
Tricera-cops!
How many dinosaurs can you fit in an empty box?
Just one... after that, the box isn’t empty anymore!
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house?
Any - a house can’t jump!
What is in the middle of dinosaurs?
The letter “s”!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Do-ya-think-he-saw-us!
What’s as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing?
A dinosaur’s shadow!
On the Farm
Where do cows go with their friends?
The moooovies!
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t work!
What do you give a sick pig?
Oink-ment!
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play!
What kind of animal goes OOM?
A cow walking backwards!
What happened to the lost cattle?
Nobody’s herd!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost beef!
What is a sheep’s favourite game?
Baa-dminton!
What’s the most musical part of a chicken?
The drumstick!
Wet and Slimy
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
He gets toad away!
What did one frog say to the other?
Time’s fun when you’re having flies!
What is the difference between school dinners and a pile of slugs?
School dinners come on a plate!
What do slugs do at the beach?
Nothing!
What is the strongest animal?
A snail. He carries his house on his back!
What is a snake’s favorite subject?
Hiss-tory!
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent!
How do snails get their shells so shiny?
They use snail varnish!
What kind of snake is good at numbers?
An adder!
What did the grape say when the Komodo Dragon stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Horseplay
What type of horses only go out in the dark?
Nightmares!
What kind of loaf does a horse eat?
Thoroughbred!
How do you say hungry horse in 4 letters?
MTGG!
What do you call a horse wearing venetian blinds?
A zebra!
How did the rabbit propose to his girlfriend?
With a twenty-four carrot ring!
Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude?
She always said Neigh!
What do you give a sick horse?
Cough stirrup!
What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
One goes quick and the other goes quack!
Why did the farmer ride his horse to town?
It was too heavy to carry!
What do you ask a sad horse?
“Why the long face?”