| |
I have to admit it. This week it’s not easy to observe the shifts in and out the jail. As a devoted wife, I would rather stay at Matthew’s bedside, wiping his sweat away and lovingly covering him when he was caught by chills, instead of staying home only surrounded by Mary’s talking and by my loneliness.
Yes, I know I’m rather lost. The fact is that in the beginning I thought it just was a strong attraction. His clear and soulful eyes, the smell of his skin, his knowing mouth are all the right ingredients to make me feel in ecstasy since the first meeting. But the truth is another one. I don’t know how or when, but this guy has entered in me not only by my natural holes... I mean that he’s entering in my heart and in my brain too. And this isn’t good.
Today Matthew has still got high temperature. Doctor Gordon has confirmed that it is streptococcus and changed Matthew’s therapy with a more targeted antibiotic.
I avoid entering his cell not to arouse suspicious, but as a stray dog in front of a restaurant, I’m continuously walking the corridor back and forth, hoping to be able to closely check his health.
Once Mary walks by me and enters the cell. An irrational jealousy invades my mind. I know that she isn’t interested on Matthew. Since the night she sent me at Lisa’s, she began to see Stanley regularly. Moreover, if you consider that her opinion about Matthew is not a good one, I have nothing to fear about. Yet I cannot keep myself. Lying against the wall in front of the cell, I’m pretending to look at the watch. When she speaks, I carefully listen to her words.
«Come on, you slugs. It’s shower time» she exclaims to the detainee.
Gary mumbles, indicating Matthew: «And what about that bag of potatoes on the bed? What should we do with him?»
«Leave him there and come with me. Surely I’m not going to carry him to the shower. He’ll wash himself when he’ll be better.»
Mary gets out with Matthew’s comrades. As soon as they are afar, with my heart beating fast, I open the cell and run to him. I find him sweat and with cold hands. I seat near him and caress his hair.
«How are you? » I ask, but he’s too weak to answer. I take a handkerchief and wipe his sweat face. There’s a thick beard, brown and with golden reflections, like his hair.
Then he begins to move his head, he moans and opens his eyes looking at me as if he wanted to pierce me with his gaze. I stay still observing him, feeling a strong and rooted emotion for him. Never since, I realize how much I’m lost. How can I save myself from this sweet pain? No, by now I’ can’t call it just “attraction”. Now that he’s here, hectic and needy, it’s clear the kind of feeling I have for him. If it wasn’t for the prison, if he wasn’t a detainee, if I wasn’t just his ward I could, at least, admit to myself that the feeling I have for him it’s is very similar to love, but all the complication I just listed make my head spin. But I have to keep this for me.
Matthew is still looking at me and his eyes are blurred with fever. With a moan he says «Are you mine?»
Hell! How could he read my mind? These three words pronounced almost imperceptibly are shaking me like a stormy sea. He and I, forever together. This is what I most want. If just could it be possible... I decide to answer him because I want him to know my feelings.
«Of course, with all my heart» I say, but Matthew is no more listening.
«Now I have to go, but I’ll be back, whenever you need me. »
To these words Matthew seems to wake from the numbness. He rubs his sleepy eyes and looks at me as if it was the first time he sees me.
«Is it you, Khyla? »
«Yes, who did you suppose it was?» I ask. He doesn’t answer. And then I understand everything. This bastard wasn’t thinking about me, but about his sister. There cannot be any other explanation.
«You’re a fucking perverted» I say through my teeth.
«What’s the matter with you, now?»
«Nothing. What do you think? I know that you’re just maneuvering me to meet your cravings. You made me believe in something, instead you’re only thinking to that sl..»
«Don’t you talk bad about Tracy. She's an angel.»
As soon as I hear this name, I get pissed off. How dares he name that one in front of me? I’m risking everything for him. Every stolen kiss, every moment spent in Matthew’s arms could cost me freedom and he dares to remind me that I’m worth less than everything? That though I try to live up to her, in his heart, Tracy will always be better than me? While I’m feeling pervaded by jealousy in relation to the relationship that binds them, to detriment of what I feel, I recognize my stupidity. I’m angry with Tracy as if she was the cause of all the evils, but I actually understand that she’s an unconscious victim of her brother. And him, that took advantages of her like the worst of pedophiles, allow himself to call her “angel”. Furious and disgusted, I run to give a punch to the wall. «Khyla, stop it» Matthew, that hardly got up is surrounding my shoulders, trying to convince me.
«I really like you and if the situation was different, you surely would be my first choice. The fact is that I don’t belong to you. I only belong to Tracy.»
What a disappointment! His words keep buzzing in my brain, getting me more and more angry, a feeling difficult to manage, and so I completely blurt out.
«Then leave me alone. I don’t want men in half. From now on, I suggest you to look behind your shoulders. Because I’m no longer going to help you, what I’m going to do is to make your life a hell. »
And with a definite gesture, I’m free from his grip, lock the cell and run to the office, where I let myself go in a desperate cry.
