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Finally Matthew got back in health. What a pity! I prayed long for him to leave this world... That could put an end to my insane obsession, instead he’s still alive.
It’s been five days since our last debate and, since then I haven’t talk to him anymore, if not for pure professional matters. He began to spend his hours in silence, again, absorbed on reading or thinking lying on the bed, as if his noisy comrades weren’t there. Yet there are times in which he looks at me enigmatically, but, in spite of the inner confusion, I try not to give mind to his unspoken recalls. I need to start over and to find in someone else the sense of my life. In the meantime, waiting for better opportunities, I rung up at Peter and we saw a couple of times. Ok, I know that he’s married and has a little baby, but in this moment he’s the only one on the market to wash away Matthew from my memory in a hurry. If Peter doesn’t care about his wife, why should I care? The only pity is that, as a lover, he’s not so great. Nothing to do with Matthew’s passion, but, for now, I have to be satisfied.
As I’m looking to some papers on my desk, Mary opens the door and comes in with the tactfulness of an elephant.
«Raise that ass and go straight to Matthew. »
«Why?»
«He claims you. He wants you to accompany him to take a shower. »
I pretend not to hear and continue to divide the papers in two stacks. She comes nearby and pushes me up by the shirt’s collar.
«Hey! Did you understand? I told you that Matthew is waiting for you. He wants to take a shower and wants you to accompany him. »
I angrily shake my head: «Since when, in a prison, you give mind to the whims of a criminal? Anyway, today is not shower’s day.»
«Listen, if it was upon me, I wouldn’t ask you. I know that you like him and it would be better for you to stay away from him. But the fact is that, in the afternoon, a major politician is coming to visit the jail and our superiors want all the inmates in acceptable terms. Last week he had fever, so he skipped the weekly shower. Now we have to fix it in a few hours. »
«I don’t want to. And this is all I have to say» I say hardly.
Because of my attitude, Mary gets angry and starts screaming.
«Stop at once to pretend to be a poor victim! Maybe you didn’t understand. I found you this work and I can get you fired and be thrown in the middle of a road, if you mess things up. »
To these menacing words, I have no other choice than to get up and go to Matthew. I don’t know what is passing in his mind, but if he thinks that I could be indulgent with him, he’s really wrong. He played fairly enough with my feelings.
I let him out of the cell without paying any attention to him and bring him to the showers. I sit on a stool, then I order him to wash carefully.
«I have some problem with my back. You could wash it» he comments with a grin.
«If you think that I’m going to touch you again after all that has happened, you are wrong. Move on, because I don’t want to spend all the day in here. »
I think I have the right to speak this way, considering the fact that Matthew entered in my life and within me without worrying about consequences. For him I’m just a toy to entertain with, whenever he needs it. Because of him, I lost my dignity and I don’t know if and when I’ll be able to find it again.
I’m trying to forget my troubles, concentrating on the environment that surrounds me. In this room, negligence and time left impressive traces. The row of open showers with crusted limestone showerheads and the ceramic shower trays, make this one of the worst places in the prison. Every time I get here, it seems to me that I’ve been catapulted in some scene of Schindler's list and, in my fantasy, I expect from moment to moment, that instead of water, could come out some deadly gas. Well, in this case, I would be happy. So I could stop to torment myself because of Matthew.
Sitting on the stool with my back leaning agaist the cold wall, I’m keeping my eyes fixed on him, without paying much attention on what he’s doing. At least this is the intention. Instead something in my brain suddenly jams. For how much I commit myself, I can’t help but observe the seductive way he bents to pull off the uniform from the legs and how he gets rid of the underwear with a few decisive gestures. So I think that with the same decision he entered in me and, taken by a sudden fierce itch, I cross my legs and sneeze slowly to somehow quench the heat from which I felt overwhelmed.
I stare at him that is soaping every corner of his body and then rinses away the white foam with almost maniac precision. Then I stare to the water drops that come down along his athletic physique. At this point all my proudness breaks down.
So, as soon as he comes closer still wet, with only a towel to cover his hips, I feel lost and the newly built fortress melts like snow in the sun. I don’t oppose any resistance when he grabs my arm and pools me from the stool. In a moment I’m quivering attached to his body and our mouths glued as stamps.
«Leave me alone. I don’t want to be prosecuted because of your fault» I say without conviction, as soon as our lips break away to catch breathes.
«You think too much» he answers with husky voice beginning to undo my shirt’s buttons. He puts his hands under my bra and starts to massage in expert way.
«Do get undressed.»
No, I can’t fall into the same mistake. I’ve already tried the taste of his forbidden kisses, his hands on me. I know where they took me, so far. In a black vortex with no way out. I have to be stronger and go away as soon as possible. I try to get back looking for an escaping way, but he blocks me holding my wrists, reminding me that there’s no other option. He pounces on my lips swollen with desire, greedy sucking them. With every assault I lose more and more the knowledge of what is wrong and what is right. So, without waiting any longer, I get rid of his grip and I take off pants and knickers, against any reason, even though a weak flicker in my mind wants to remind me that I’m risking a lot. Matthew with a gesture of his hand divides my legs. He bents down and look at the center of my intimacy with morbid desire. He lightly touches it with trembling fingers and I find myself swallowing, unable to speak a word. I want him inside me right away. This is the truth.
He seems properly understanding my silence.
‹‹Lye down» he intimates me. Then he takes off the towel and enters in me, without any delicacy. A bestial impetus that, instead of frightening me, truly excites me. Oh! How I would like to express aloud my desire, but I can’t risk to be heard.
So, also this time, I gasp silently, untill I’m overwhelmed by orgasm. And to let him know that my body reached the maximum spasm, I tighten my legs more forcefully around his waist.
He falls on me and while I’m trying to catch my breath, he whispers: «The moment has come.»
«What do you mean? »
«Now we’ll dress, go into the cell as if nothing had happened and I’ll give you one of my books. »
«I don’t like to read. »
«You have to like it» he answers through his teeth. While I’m trying to understand, I notice his glacial gaze that penetrates me with the same intensity of our just concluded intercourse.
«Ok» I just whisper.
We get dressed in a hurry and I bring him into the cell.
While Gary and the others are playing dice on the floor, he gives me a copy of Romeo and Juliet. Could it be a gentle way to tell me that he’s taken as much as I am, by this tormented love?
Yet he gives it to me without any emotion. He keeps telling me that it’s better to read it at home, before going to bed.
And as I get away the curiosity becomes more and more stronger.
