My mom made insane demands of my dad. I don’t recall all of them since I’m the youngest child, but I remember enough. Mom would insist on Parisian food. Brought to her. Dad would fly to Paris and back, but by the time he made it back, she’d have eaten a sandwich and gone to bed. Somehow it was his fault for taking so long on a plane.
Once Mom wanted Dad to plan a perfect family vacation. She was sick of always having to set up everything herself. He talked to Disneyland and booked an entire day for our family. No one else would be present. I have no idea what that cost. Millions, I’m sure, and then Mom had a meeting come up. Dad tried to explain what he’d planned, but it only enraged Mom. She didn’t want him to buy out Disney! That was frivolous and stupid, especially since the other people are part of what makes it all so magical.
If Dad went up, Mom screamed for down. If Dad said dark, Mom only wanted light. No matter what Dad gave, it was never enough. I never considered myself to be much like my mother, but now I’m not so sure. Because I asked Rob to move to Colorado, and now that he’s willing to do exactly what I said I wanted, I want him to take it all back.
Because Rob’s a giver, and that makes me a taker.
Geo said it herself. He gives and gives and gives. She doesn’t think he resents the person who takes over and over, but how can she be sure? And even if he doesn’t resent me now, he will. First it’s move to Colorado, give up your family, your friends, and your job. Then what? Give up your normal hikes. Your normal counters and floors and mobility. Then it’s give up your vacation plans, since I’ve got to work. Then it’s up when he says down. Dark when he says light. Parisian food, until it takes too long and I’m sleeping alone and we’re yelling at each other.
I’d almost rather die than turn into my mother.
I finally realize that I love Rob, and then I discover that he and I may be fatally flawed. I can’t even stand, but if he won’t stand up to me, we’re doomed. He needs to be able to demand something for himself. He needs to ask me to move to Atlanta.
Because if he doesn’t, we’re doomed.
“When would you want me to move?” he asks. “Is October soon enough?”
“Actually, I might have been a little hasty.”
He tilts his head like he’s misheard me. “I’m sorry?”
“Now that we’re talking about it, I don’t think you moving to Colorado is a great plan.”
He nods his head slowly. “It’s fast, that’s for sure.”
“Right. Too fast, don’t you think?” Say no, say no. It’s not too soon. It’s the wrong direction. It’s all Rob’s sacrifice and none of mine.
“But eventually, you see this going that way?” he asks.
Does he mean with him moving to Colorado? Or with one of us moving? “I’m not sure.”
Rob kneels in front of me again. “Do you see yourself with me in five years? Ten?”
I do. I absolutely do. “I’m not sure. I mean, we don’t even live in the same state. And we don’t have much in common.”
Rob’s face shutters like a beach home preparing for a hurricane. “That’s true, we don’t.”
He stands up and doesn’t say another word while we head for the entrance of the park. The cab is waiting for us when we reach the main road. Rob helps me transfer and loads Gladys up without saying a word. He doesn’t slide over next to me on the seat, and he doesn’t take my hand.
What did I say?
We don’t live in the same state. Simple statement of fact, and the topic of our entire conversation. Then I said we don’t have much in common. I close my eyes. Because he’s not even a college grad. He’s not rich. He’s a Marine who sells cars.
Oh, Rob.
I reach for his arm, but when my fingers brush his forearm, he flinches and I shrink back to my side.
I open my mouth to say something, but I’m not sure what to say. Even if I coax him back into talking to me and touching me and kissing me, which I want desperately, unless Rob changes who he is, unless Rob can suddenly demand what he needs, I’m not sure this will ever work. After all, my parents must have loved one another at some point, right? They didn’t start their marriage twisted and damaged like they are now.
When we reach the hotel, I still haven’t figured out what I can say to repair the breach. Or whether I should even try.
“I had a great time,” I finally blurt out.
“Me too.” Rob turns toward me, his eyes soft. “Thank you for coming.”
My heart yearns for him to pick me up and carry me up to my room and throw me down on my stupidly hard mattress. I want him to toss his rules out the window, and tell me he needs me in his life, in Colorado or Georgia or on Mars. I want him to convince me that it doesn’t matter what I think, or what I fear, or how different we are, or how messed up my parents have become.
But he’s Rob.
Rob doesn’t conquer or dominate or force. It’s not who he is, and it’s not who he’ll ever be. Rob carries, and lifts and supports. He can’t be what I’m wishing for. It would destroy everything I love about him all at once. I turn away from him and that wounds him even more.
What’s wrong with me?
Rob walks alongside me all the way to my room. Once I’ve opened the door, he half bows to me, like I’m royalty and he’s my honor guard or something, and walks back down the hall. It feels like someone’s shredding my heart, one ventricle at a time. Why can’t Rob demand what he needs? Why can’t he insist I meet him halfway? I’ll do it, I want to scream. Just tell me what you want, so I know we won’t turn into carbon copies of the unhappiest marriage I’ve ever seen.
But he doesn’t, of course. Rob would never demand anything like that of me.
So I wheel into my big, gorgeous suite and sob into my pillow until the very last moment. Then I drag myself up and put my makeup on, and change into my sky blue sundress. I wheel myself to the door, and then down the hall. I take up my place at Geo and Trig’s wedding like a robot, smiling when I should, and murmuring the right things to everyone.
It’s not until I see Geo walking down the aisle that something cracks my shell. My brother is getting married to the girl of his dreams, to someone I adore. I’m so happy for them. And so I set aside my despair. I set aside my fears and my selfishness and I watch as Geo, the most show stopping, the most generous, the most peerless bride I’ve ever seen walks serenely down the aisle.
Her colors are perfect. Sky blue and black and silver. Her eyes shine brighter than the sapphires on the collar around her neck, a custom designed piece from Trig. Her hair falls in an ebony cascade down her back, a stark contrast to the snowy white of her veil and gown. She’s not dressed like a cupcake: no frills, or beads, or embroidery, and not a speck of lace. No, her pure white, sleeveless silk gown fits her simply, a shining sheath that hugs her immaculate figure and drops to a long, draped train that flows out behind her like a smoothly shimmering waterfall. She clasps a simple bouquet of blue delphinium and delicate white snowdrops in her hands.
But her eyes never leave Trig’s face, and he’s beaming like he’s President of the World. It’s everything I ever wanted for my older brother.
They each prepared their own vows. Trig goes first.
“From the very moment I clapped eyes on you, I haven’t wanted anyone else. But as incomparable as you are on the outside, your parents named you perfectly. You’re truly like a geode. Your exterior is practically dirty and scuffed and dull compared to the sparkle, the magic and the brilliant beauty hiding inside of your head and heart. I have no idea why you put up with me and all my fumbly, bumbly mistakes, but for some reason you do, and I wake up every single day marveling that you’ve agreed to live with my flaws forever.”
Trig takes Geo’s hand in his.
“Thank you for helping me see when I’m being an idiot, and forgiving me when it takes me a while to grasp that insight. I promise to cherish your outside and your inside every single day, every single hour, and every single breath for the rest of my life.”
Trig leans down and brushes his lips against hers. The priest shakes his head, but Trig shrugs, unrepentant.
Geo rests one hand softly on Trig’s chest and looks into his eyes.
“Bernard Thornton the Third.”
The audience laughs softly.
“You lived the first half of your life with that name, and you rocked it, I’m sure, because that’s what you do. You were born into privilege, but you didn’t throw any opportunities away. You worked hard even when you didn’t have to. You excelled at math and then you did what you always do. You took a name for yourself, you made a place for yourself, and then you improved on what you’d done before. Always striving, always improving. And you noticed the amazing people around you along the way. When I met you, you were already impressive. You were a force to be reckoned with, but the man I fell in love with was a man who became more than that. You’re more now than a guy who works hard and sees insightfully.”
She presses her hand against his chest and gazes into his eyes for a moment. It’s magical to see a tiny sliver of the bond they share.
I’m not the only one who sighs.
Geo continues. “You’ve always been someone who cared deeply for your family. Your parents, and especially your beloved sister. But when you decided you loved me, you were willing to do literally anything it took to make your life something I would fit within, including impoverishing yourself, so to speak.”
The audience laughs again.
“And if someone had told me that one day, my grand gesture from a guy would be that he’d throw buckets of money away for me, I’d have been sure they lost their mind. But what you showed me that day is that, no matter what, highs or lows, dark or light, you’re with me. You’re by my side forever. Rich or poor, handsome or ugly. I know it in my bones, and for someone without a lot of family.” Geo glances at Rob and the video camera behind him where her mom’s watching. “For someone like me, that means the world. Thank you for walking beside me on this beautiful earth and making it a little more lovely. You’ve given me all you had, and I can’t wait to share everything we will create together.”
I glance at Rob, but he’s staring at Geo, almost stoically. I turn away before I break down and cry. It hurts to think about him leaving tomorrow and not texting me every day. Not calling me every day. And not flying out to see me, or touching my face, or kissing my lips.
What’s wrong with me? After Trig and Geo head to the dance floor for their first dance, I’m ready to wheel over to where Rob’s standing and tell him I went temporarily insane. Maybe we can table the whole moving thing for a while. Call and text like we were, and travel back and forth when we find time.
Except before I reach him, he takes Paisley’s hand and leads her out on the dance floor. I watch them spin and twirl and I realize that what I said was true.
Rob and I don’t have much in common, but he’s not the one with the negative balance sheet. That’s me. Because he may not have an Ivy League degree, but he’s got legs that work. He’s got a strong back, and a stellar face that turns heads everywhere we go. And even more than that, unlike mine, Rob’s heart is open and ready. Rob’s steady and solid and supportive, and he deserves someone who can give him all the things I never will.
Because between my broken back and my twisted parents, I’m shouldering a tremendous bundle of insecurities. Rob will be stuck carrying them on his back forever. I’ll always be a dead weight like I was today, figuratively speaking and quite literally. I’ll always freak out for no reason, or spin out because he’s not manly enough, when really I’m the one who’s got issues. So I turn back to the wedding party and start to mingle with my family and old friends. I joke, I laugh and I try to look like I’m celebrating.
And when it comes time for gifts, I give Trig and Geo mine without reservation.
“I know most people aren’t too excited for paperwork,” I say as Trig opens a fat envelope. “And you’re no exception, which is why you usually try to shuttle it all onto my desk.”
“You’re a whiz with paperwork and legalese,” Trig says.
He’s not wrong. “But this paperwork, well, I figure you’ll forgive me. Because a few months back, I helped you execute your grand gesture to win Geo over to your side, dumping buckets and buckets of money into my own pocket in the process. But just in case your future children aren’t quite so magnanimous, I thought you might want a second stab at securing that money for them.”
Geo looks over the paperwork Trig’s spreading on his lap.
“What is this?” she asks.
“It’s a reversion document,” I say. “It gives Trig’s half of the Thornton Trust back to your future children, should you ever have any. My mom’s still the Trustee, but eventually, that responsibility will revert to you and Trig, until your children reach thirty years of age anyway.”
I don’t bother mentioning that if I never give birth to my own heir, his kids will get my trust funds, too. I glance at Rob, and he’s staring back at me longingly. My resolve wavers. How bad could it be to keep the best thing in my life… in my life?
But it’s not fair to him. He’s not going to change, and I’m not going to want someone who won’t ask for what they need, who won’t demand that I give them what they want. Because I’ll always demand what I want. It’s hard-wired into my brain thanks to my mom.
So I wheel back to my room alone that night. When I reach my room and check my phone, I have one text message.
I MISS YOU.
My fingers want to text Rob back so badly. I shut my phone off so they don’t give in. Because I know what my fingers don’t yet grasp. This will get easier with time. The pain will ease, and it’s for the best. I’m walking away, er, wheeling away, because it’s what Rob needs. And I want Rob to have what he needs.
I only wish I could be the one to give it to him.